BUST-A-NUT SQUASH SOUP

February 3, 2016
Bust a nut with some butternut

Bust a nut with some butternut

“I think I’m gonna bust a nut all over this squash! Can’t hold back any more.  Oh yeah, here it comes. Mmm mmm.  Damn this soup hits the spot every time.”  This is the typical reaction you get when you make this during wintertime.  The butternut is the sexiest, tastiest, most sultry member of the squash family.  It absorbs flavor like a champ and becomes velvety when cooked right. And when you roast it, good god does it drip with sex appeal.  There aren’t adjectives provocative enough to sum up cooking roasted butternut squash into a soup so I’ll leave that filthy fantasy to the individual chef.  This soup has gotten me through the leanest of times with some lovelies with countless requests for sequels.  One ex tried to get this recipe before we broke up, but I refused so she left in a huff never to be seen again.  Roxanne*, if you’re reading this, here’s the recipe finally available to any and all.  Enjoy, and give your cat my best. Read the rest of this entry »


SMACK MY BISQUE UP

December 14, 2015
Man goes where the mangos flow and the seafood knows

Man goes where the mangos flow and the seafood knows

You can almost hear the steel drums and kinky Reggae when you slurp this sexy take on a Caribbean classic.  It takes a little work to harness the flavors, but trust me when I say it’s well worth the time (hint hint).  Shrimp mango bisque is both nutritious and loaded with aphrodisiacs that will put you on the path to gratification.  The sweet taste of mango compliments the spices; the shrimp are just begging to soak in the sweet and spicy flavor bursts.  My first encounter with this dish was at Club Med in Turks and Caicos as a child rather clueless as to why the adults danced so closely together after a downing a bowl.  Perversity and ingenuity have since led me to honing the recipe to what you see before you. SMACK MY BISQUE UP has become a reliable go to dish that brings that Caribbean sunshine to my kitchen and bedroom even in the dead of winter.  Go on, make Bob Marley proud!

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SEXUAL PRACTICE CACTUS SALSA

October 5, 2015

Dont be a prick-ly pear.

All earthly creatures do it in their own way. Giraffes do it standing up, their long necks intertwined. Male spider monkeys will grab their female partner mid-air, hump them, and release before they even hit the ground. Humans have all kinds of mating rituals from courting over food, to bringing in toys to “bring the spark back”, to discussing the relationship ad nausea post-coital. And within the human genus, we have countless subsets of this behavior. We are an odd species to be sure. Aliens who enslave us two decades from now will be hard-pressed to figure out how to get us to toil away on the Vectarion reactors. I’ll make it simple for them: give us food and let us bang. We’ll take it from there, Remulox. Read the rest of this entry »


ROGER HER VODKA PENNE

September 28, 2015
Embrace the vodka on your plate and in your glass

Embrace the vodka on your plate and in your glass

This Italian mafia recipe will never sleep with the fishes.  This vodka penne is “a friend of mine” because it’s tasty and easy to prepare.  The only thing getting whacked is the pig used to make the prosciutto.  Lucky you.  Be sure to remind your date knows how lucky they are to enjoy this fine dish from the old country.  The vodka flatters the tomatoes and garlic with compliments, plus you can challenge your date to take shots while you cook. Think you can make an easier, tastier vodka penne from scratch?  Forget about it! Read the rest of this entry »


WHO DA MAC & CHEESE?

September 14, 2015
So Mac-a-licious, you'll lick the dishes

So Mac-a-licious, you'll lick the dishes

If you make this dish, then you da mack!  This dish takes the childhood classic and turns it on its head so it’s strutting its sexy stuff across your dinner table.  Be ready with a line about how you came up with this recipe remenisce about giving your playground sweetheart a wildflower (I don’t mind you claiming this recipe as your own as long as it gets you laid; if you fails then I will haunt your dreams).  Truth be told, I hated mac and cheese as a kid because the flavor and texture was bland as Kansas. Done right, mac and cheese will compliment any continental meal from fried chicken to pork chops and beyond.  The bountiful bevy of cheeses and the spicy jalapeño become a techno dance party in your mouth.  This boring classic has the much needed flare like that player at the bar getting girls attention with the pink feather boa, but not obnoxious.   Remember,  you make this side dish right and it will be by your side for many more mouth-water culinary conquests. Read the rest of this entry »


I SCREAM YOU SCREAM SINWICH

August 26, 2015
We scream for sex dreams!

We scream for sex dreams!

Ever had post-banging munchies so severe you considered eating an entire package of edible panties?  It’s a goddamn epidemic!  Evasive action is necessary to replenish those calories you burned in the throes of unbridled lust.  Since few people have enough raspberry flavored underwear, might I point you in the way of the kitchen?  It’s that room that some people put food in.  The quickest way to return to the task at hand is speed and efficiency.  You want the most flavor per time allotted.  Nothing cools you down after steamy summer sex like an ice cream sandwich crowned with strawberries.  So get back to the screaming, dreaming and orgasm-gleaming! Read the rest of this entry »


POONCAKES

May 29, 2015
Pancake poonany perfection

Pancake poonany perfection

So you’ve just wrapped up a sexual escapade that lasted all morning.  Your date is ravenous and is threatening mutiny if you don’t fill their gullets stat.  You can do nothing and risk never hearing from them again, which may be the right choice if it’s some skank or bozo.  But chances are you wouldn’t have allowed them to stay the night if they weren’t worth making a little effort to feed.  If all goes to plan, the afternoon can be a sequel to the morning’s kinky adventures between the sheets.  This recipe originated from a severe lack of ingredients.  I had only one egg, frozen blackberries and a very hungry girl in my bed.  So I improvised and made the morning carry on into the evening, flaking on set plans to have dinner with my mother.  Sorry, mom!  She forgave me and my date did not erase me from her phonebook.  One last thought, why settle for bisquik and water, when the from scratch method takes two extra seconds and yields randy results? Read the rest of this entry »