WANNA HAVANA? SALAD

November 19, 2014

Do I wanna? You damn skippy!

Do I wanna Havana? It’s been a dream of mine since I was a small child. Seriously, I picture myself in the long long ago era of Havana’s heyday drinking mojitos on the street and puffing on fat cigars. Cuban girls, a preferred pastime of mine, my version of baseball, bring out the happy happy in me. So yes, absolutely I wanna Havana. Too bad I’m an American with that 50 year-old embargo cock-blocking my Havana cabana-existence. So I must resort to other means. Namely serving Cuban style avocado salad to the Cuban girls and hoping to not piss off Castro brothers in the process. Read the rest of this entry »


MIMOSUCK IT

March 7, 2014

Open your mouth and take it all in...

Happy 2010 to my beloved readers! Here’s to another year full of dirty dishes and used condoms. You deserve to pour yourself a cocktail to celebrate. Go ahead. Don’t be shy. Take it all in. Suck it all the way down and then ask for more. Taste it? That’s the flavor of a mimosa supped up with all kinds of sexy. Sure you could have poured orange juice from concentrate, but we both know you are your date deserve better. Nothing but the goods for you, superstar. Get right up in it and take ownership over this non-cock-blocking cocktail. You are starting the day off with a bang. Hopefully more than one bang considering you are the embodiment of hot sex on a platter. Gulp-to-gulp, kitchen-to-bed, enjoy some fine morning head. Read the rest of this entry »


SNEAK PAST THE GOALIE AIOLI

April 6, 2010

He/she shoots...he/she scores!!!

That goalie is one cock-blocking bastard! They are intent on keeping you both from experiencing Shangi la. You better be clever if you’re going to score. My trick is to act like I never intend to shoot for glory until their guard is down. Nonchalance and heaping bowl of sarcasm usually accomplish this. When that isn’t enough, I revert to my Cook To Bang practices and end up scoring a weekend hat trick. Aioli does not qualify as sexy on its own. For some reason mayonnaise never caught on like whipped cream in the art of culinarylingus. But alas, you can use it as a FINGER FOOD FOREPLAY dip, a spread for SINWICHES, or eat this CONDOM-MENT with a spoon. In the immortal words of a soccer/football announcer GOOOOOOAAAAAAAAALLLLLLLLL!

Total time: 3 minutes
Projected cost: $4
Drinking buddy: All depends on what you serve with it

Ingredients (serves 2)
1. 4 tbsp mayonnaise
2. 1 dash sea salt
3. 1 small handful fresh BASIL
4. 1/2 lemon
5. 1 small handful sun-dried tomatoes

Step 1
Fill up a food processor or blender with the mayonnaise, sun-dried tomatoes, basil, sea salt, and squeeze in the lemon juice. Puree it into a gorgeous orange hue and serve, garnishing it with a basil leaf and sun-dried tomato.

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SINFUL SALVATION SALAD

June 17, 2009
Eternal culinary salvation is at your fingertips.

Eternal culinary salvation is at your fingertips.

Praise the Lor…no wait…praise the whores!  May all the sinners of the world indulge without fear of reprisal from the cock-blocking conservatives.  Who are they to say what body parts you can or can’t slather in salad dressing?  Do my nipples smothered in Japanese miso dressing condemn me to eternal damnation?  Alas, my conscience says NO!  Fear not the reprisals from an angry God bent on you burning in hell fire with sharp pitchforks piercing your soft bum.  Instead we must continue our hedonist ways for the sake of our fellow sinners.    This salad is all about indulging without risking tainting your soul or your healthy diet regimen.  So dig in and feel no shame.  You are loved.  Amen.

salivate for this salad prepTotal time: approximately 10 minutes
Projected cost: $7
Drinking Buddy: White wine or a PANTY DROPPING SHANDY

Ingredients (serves 2):
1. 1 chicken breast baked
2. 1 hard-boiled egg
3. Japanese miso dressing
4. 1 handful of dried cranberries
5. Lettuce
6. 1 tomato cut in wedges
7. ½ an AVOCADO sliced thinly

Step 1
Chop the lettuce into bite-sized pieces.  Slice the hardboiled egg thinly.  Cut the chicken into long strips.salivate for this salad chop chop

Step 2
Lay out each plate in this order: lettuce, tomato, avocado, chicken, egg, cranberries and lastly Japanese miso dressing at your discretion.salivate for this salad mix

Serve up without shame or fear of religious reprisal.

salivate for this salad served

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