SAUSAGE PARTY SINWICH

August 24, 2015
sausage n peppers served 2

Big Ol’ Sausage Cumming your way!

Make room! Make room!  A massive sausage is coming straight for your open mouth.  There’s not a whole lot you can do but smile like a donut.  But don’t fear it.  Taste it.  Enjoy it.  Love it.  There’s nothing wrong with phallic food so long as you are comfortable with yourself and enjoy good food.  Just to make you feel better, you can Price Albert the sausage to make it less threatening.  Throw in all the veggies and aphrodisiac avocado and you have an innocuous, yet delicious open-faced sandwich to enjoy with your date.  Need I mention that you can whip these up in 10 minutes flat while you wax poetic with your game?  Now drop your inhibitions and pick up that big ol’ massive meaty sausage. Read the rest of this entry »


CHARRED OCTOPUSSY SALAD

July 16, 2015
Don't be an octopussy.  Eat the goddamn salad!

Don’t be an octopussy. Eat the goddamn salad!

Don’t mess with Octopussy.  That girl has Bond and every other man wrapped around her fingers, eight to be exact.  But that was before she went through the Bond rotation.  Octopussy never recovered once he cast her aside for the next tramp that could crush his spine with her thighs.  That’s where I came in.  She needed a rebound and I was generous to provide my body for that purpose.  All I had to do was sneak into her floating palace past her army of trained female bodyguards with a bag full of groceries. You may assume that I am trained with the ability to scale walls and hold my breath underwater for over an hour.  But all I have is my charisma and disarming sense of humor.  So I subdued the Octopussy cult army with cooking anecdotes and they took me to their leader.  It was tempting to just engage in a massive orgy with her trained killers, but my mission was to Cook To Bang Octopussy.  Homegirl gave me 10 minutes to impress her or I would be fed to her bloodthirsty manatees.  That was just enough time to fix up this salad and present it to Octopussy.  One bite and she was hooked.  We banged until her ego was restored.  And like a good villainess, she kicked me out of bed right after and went back to work on her world domination plot. Read the rest of this entry »


UNDRESS ME, CAPRESES

May 5, 2015
“It takes 2 to make a thing go right.  It takes 2 to make it out of sight.” – Rob Base

“It takes 2 to make a thing go right. It takes 2 to make it out of sight.” – Rob Base

You gotta love appetizer and wine dates.  Combine these perfect companions and the two of you will be combined soon enough.  If one of you brings the wine and the other the appetizer, you’ll need to figure out who’s bringing the condoms.  These miniature caprese salads on a stick are easy to make, easy to take on the go, plus you can hand feed each other.  It doesn’t get more sensual and primitive than that. Who loves you? Read the rest of this entry »


WANNA HAVANA? SALAD

November 19, 2014

Do I wanna? You damn skippy!

Do I wanna Havana? It’s been a dream of mine since I was a small child. Seriously, I picture myself in the long long ago era of Havana’s heyday drinking mojitos on the street and puffing on fat cigars. Cuban girls, a preferred pastime of mine, my version of baseball, bring out the happy happy in me. So yes, absolutely I wanna Havana. Too bad I’m an American with that 50 year-old embargo cock-blocking my Havana cabana-existence. So I must resort to other means. Namely serving Cuban style avocado salad to the Cuban girls and hoping to not piss off Castro brothers in the process. Read the rest of this entry »


BBLT – BIG BEAUTIFUL LADY TAMER SINWICH

January 23, 2013
AKA Brie Bacon Lettuce Tomato Sandwich

AKA Brie Bacon Lettuce Tomato Sandwich

Don’t let the BBW reference scare you.  This sandwich is lean, mean and totally obscene.  Just the way you like it.  Here at CTB, we strive to make gourmet food accessible for the masses in DIY fashion.  But sometimes we do you one better, and I’m not just talking about when candles are lit after a bottle of wine.  Occasionally we take a simple classic dish and load it with sexy pretension.  Sure you could make a BLT – Boring Lame Tired sandwich.  But that will be as memorable as a premature ejaculator.  You need to treat a sandwich like you would a well-planned yet nonchalant seduction.  Bring on the Brie cheese!  Allow the delicate flavors of France to remake this American classic.  Now claim this sandwich to be your own design and accept the praise and sexual healing that will follow. Read the rest of this entry »


A HA! AHI SALAD

March 7, 2011
A ha!  The Ahi Salad has granted me powers heretofore unattainable!

A ha! The Ahi Salad has granted me powers heretofore unattainable!

Congratulations!  You have graduated to a higher plane of salad making.  Now you refuse to settle for iceberg lettuce smothered in ranch dressing.  There is nothing nutritious nor sexy about that blasphemous culinary combination.  No, you are a sophisticated salad eater that wants great taste with enough nutrients to allow you to survive a nuclear famine in style.  Hopefully the date you have chosen to share this with is on the same page because this salad requires 110% commitment.  I have faith that as a reader of COOK TO BANG you are in fact ready to blow them away and get blown in the process.  So get down to business and take this radical new approach to salad making.  When you become a superhero that can hear a mosquito fart in another state you won’t have to question how this came to be.  Just go with it.  I’m so <wipes away tear> proud of you! Read the rest of this entry »


ROCK-HER-WORLD ROQUEFORT SALAD

February 2, 2011
Roquefort and Roll out of bed after a night of unspeakable acts.

Roquefort and Roll out of bed after a night of unspeakable acts.

This salad will rock her world.  It will also rock his world.  And its world should your dog eat it before you can.  It’s like a techno dance party in your mouth.  Each complimentary flavor will have the chance to bust a move on your tongue’s dance floor.  The tart of the lemon will give a shout out to the creamy Roquefort who kicks it over to the endive ditty on out to the crispety crunchety apple who tips its hat to the tangy cranberry bossa nova.  No one is immune to the uncontrollable taste bud tango.  This is a great way to warm the evening up with a little bit of this and whole lot of that.  Warning: those allergic to edible orgasms should steer clear if you know what’s good for you. Read the rest of this entry »