ME-NUDE-OH! SHRIMP

June 19, 2015
You say Menudo, I say Backstreet Boys, Serve them up at 98 Degrees

You say Menudo, I say Backstreet Boys, Serve them up at 98 Degrees

What’s the first thing you think of when I say MENUDO?  You probably are thinking about a crappy Latin boy band from the 80’s.  This is truly unfortunate.  You are letting outdated pop culture byproducts cloud your judgment.  Let me educate you unfortunate souls on menudo mix.  This simple Mexican blend of herbs and spices (oregano, crushed red pepper flakes, onion powder, cumin, and onion powder) can take some dishes from bueno to AY CARUMBA! Like Ricky Martin’s career, this is certainly the case with this dish.  Shrimp have the glorious ability to absorb almost any flavor into its awesome texture.  Keep them in their shells and you will have flavor to spare.  You just have to bring the same amount of flare into the bedroom as Menudo brought on stage for the millions of 80’s teenage girls in their neon leggings and jelly shoes.  I have faith in you.  So next time you think about Menudo, eat without prejudice. Read the rest of this entry »


ATKINS FOR TROUBLE BURGER SALAD

March 10, 2015
If you're looking for trouble, you've come to the right site.

If you’re looking for trouble, you’ve come to the right site.

If you’re looking at this site, you are most certainly asking for trouble.  This is not a nice blog to share with your grandmother.  Perhaps your mom, if she’s open-minded or a hot MILF.  The Cook To Bang staff warns you that our content may cause increased heart rate and libido.  But can you blame us?  We are all hopped up on this Atkins-friendly low-carb protein-blast salad.  Every bite brings us closer to walking confidentially in thongs in South Beach. We employed the countless fad diets and a massive dose of steroids to make us beach ready.  You’re wondering if the risks to my health and mental state for bedlam rock-star food orgies were worth it.  You think this hot ass and glistening bedroom muscles are some accident? Read the rest of this entry »


WILD & WETTY SQUASH SPAGHETTI

September 10, 2014
Get ready for some non-spaghetti in beddy!

Get ready for some non-spaghetti in beddy!

This one goes out to all the sexy singles marching blindly to Atkins’ carb-free tune.  Myself included. All this cooking and banging has put a hold on my underwear-modeling career. But only temporarily!  I’m coming back hotter and more in your face awesome than ever.  Healthy food is always the sexiest.  We’ll skip the carbohydrated pasta in favor of nature’s non-processed solution.  Spaghetti squash is an adventure of ingenuity and texture.  It takes to a pasta sauce like a hooker to a free bag of crack.  This simple sauté recipe should set you right.  But pesto would convince just as many of your dates to drop trow.  Now get roasting, my health-minded friends.  I’m hitting the gym to work on my glutes. Read the rest of this entry »


FINGER LICKIN’ ASS KICKIN’ CHICKEN LETTUCE WRAPS

July 30, 2014

I wrapped these tasty morsels up in lettuce and God said it was good.

You read that right. These lettuce wraps are no joke. Dr. Atkins is saluting them from his cloud in heaven. How could this much flavor be packed into such a low carb treat? Is it a miracle? Did God communicate this recipe to me from atop the mountain like Moses on Mount Sinai? The answer to all these questions is “You damn skippy!” This creation has absolutely nothing to do with the fact there was no bread in my house. Poppycock to those heretics who suggest otherwise. And the crowd of one I served it was certainly happy and surprised by the result. She too doubted that it would work. But I converted her into a believer. Can I get an amen? Read the rest of this entry »


VESTAL VIRGIN VEGGIE MELT

May 16, 2014
Be invested in vestal virgins devirgination.

Be invested in vestal virgins devirgination.

Being a vestal virgin in the Roman Empire was a pretty sweet gig.  The priestesses had only to perform sacred duties in the temple and not give into sexual temptation.  It must have been difficult laying around all day in loose fitting togas in bathhouses.  You can be sure that there were a few brash Roman dudes who wanted a piece of that priestess ass.  Luring one of these holy hotties over to the baser world of grunts and fluids required finesse.  No doubt, some of these young fools would fight each other to the death in gladiator style.  Suckers.  The smart ones would employ the Cook To Bang method.  This simple sandwich with vivacious veggies courtesy of Gods Pomona & Facunditas could break their cursed celibacy spell.

vestal virgin veggie melt prepTotal time: approximately 10 minutes
Projected cost: $5
Drinking Buddy: RAGING HARD ON LEMONADE

Ingredients (serves 2):
1. 4 spreads of Dijon mustard
2. 2 handfuls of mozzarella
3. 2 English Muffins
4. ½ an AVOCADO
5. 4 BASIL leaves
6. ½ a pear cut sliced thinly
7. 1 green onion chopped coarsely
8. ½ a tomato sliced thinly

Step 1
Split the English Muffins and spread Dijon mustard on each half.  Place slices of pear, tomato, basil and avocado.  Drop a handful of mozzarella cheese and crown it with green onions.

vestal virgin veggie melt assemble

Step 2
Toast the sandwiches to dark brow or bake them at 350 degrees F until the cheese melts.

vestal virgin veggie melt toast

Serve the sinwiches up some HOT LIQUID LOVE.

vestal virgin veggie melt serve 2

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SPAGHETTI SQUASHER SHOCKER SALAD

March 13, 2013
spaghetti squash salad served

Give ’em a good talker before giving ’em a shocker!

You could almost call this the “shocker” of salads.  There you are serving your date up some salad and they’ll assume it’s some sort of noodle salad.  Ha!  You will laugh uproariously when you inform them this gluten and low-carb salad ain’t got none of that noise.  We’re talking healthy to the point of being almost impossible to fathom.  How could a salad taste so freakishly awesome with a texture akin to licking an angel’s naught bits?  Unfortunately for you, my lawyers have informed me that these are trade secrets.  But I fought back and insisted in at least giving out the recipe to my readers. So COOK TO BANG in good health knowing that somewhere out there you have a digital chef wingman looking out for your baser needs. Who loves ya? Read the rest of this entry »


SHAKE YOUR POM POMEGRANATE SALAD

December 28, 2010
Pom pom pomegranate, pom pom pomegranate, pomegranate, master of fruit!

Pom pom pomegranate, pom pom pomegranate, pomegranate, master of fruit!

The seedy, juicy, messy Biblical fruit has invaded my kitchen.  This so-called super fruit is fabled to combat cancer, heart disease and ugliness.  The juice stains deep red so it has to be the mark of something special, right?  Naturally, wanting to make sure my readers are not only sexually satisfied, but healthy enough to enjoy the vigorous exercise associated with banging, I am bringing the pomegranate into the COOK TO BANG fold.  The seeds are a challenge to set free, but the joy they bring with each bite make them well worth the trouble.  It’s not unlike removing a stubborn bra: you may jam your finger in an effort to set free a pair of glorious juggernauts.  A little extra effort will pay off dividends when your date is touched by your concern for their health.  Come dessert time it will be paid forward and hopefully again for breakfast.  Now go on and shake it until you make it! Read the rest of this entry »