Arrr! Ahoy, maties! I spot a hard body off the starboard bow! Land ho (or was that hos?)! We shall not rest until we collect all the doubloons in their pantaloons. Plunder everything you can before we make off into the night. We shall woo them with our finest spices traded from the far East. The healthier, shinier, and tastier the treasure, the better! If you don’t like your captain’s skullduggery, walk the plank!
PANTY PLUNDER CUCUMBER SALADJanuary 20, 2016
CHICKEN MANGO QUESADIDDLE-YASeptember 30, 2015
Diddle me this. Diddle me that. Who’s afraid of getting fat? Not I, says the COOK TO BANG chefs who cook healthy, badass food, and then subsequently burn off those calories banging like chimpanzees on meth. So we can afford to indulge in a little turbocharged bar food every once in a while. You deserve to make something ridiculously easy that earns you props from the prissy crowd who “don’t usually indulge in such low brow foods.” So long as they put out after they are put in their place I am down to put up with them. Aren’t the whiners the most satisfying to bang senseless? It’s like wearing out their motor mouths by stuffing they with the tastiest of treats. Ain’t no stopping you from getting some peace…of ass. Read the rest of this entry »
WANNA HAVANA? SALADNovember 19, 2014
Do I wanna Havana? It’s been a dream of mine since I was a small child. Seriously, I picture myself in the long long ago era of Havana’s heyday drinking mojitos on the street and puffing on fat cigars. Cuban girls, a preferred pastime of mine, my version of baseball, bring out the happy happy in me. So yes, absolutely I wanna Havana. Too bad I’m an American with that 50 year-old embargo cock-blocking my Havana cabana-existence. So I must resort to other means. Namely serving Cuban style avocado salad to the Cuban girls and hoping to not piss off Castro brothers in the process. Read the rest of this entry »
GET A ROOM! HEIRLOOM TOMATO SALADJuly 28, 2014
No doubt, some ninny has scolded you for PDA’ing the night away. They are just jealous of your mojo and spontaneity. It’s not your fault they aren’t inspired to engage in carnal acts in public, possibly in a suburban shopping mall or on a merry-go-round. Chances are they haven’t banged properly since the Reagan administration. Tough titties. You on the other hand still have a pulse and should cry out, “To hell with you cock-blocking conservatives!” Grab that special someone’s ass and pull them towards you. Encourage them to open their mouth and feed them something refreshing and sensual…like this salad. The fresh tomatoes will dance on your tongues like another tongue, preparing them for the inevitable closing move that will ruffle the feathers of every starched shirt in a 10-mile radius. Know in your heart that you haven’t done your job until you get complaints from the morality morons. Read the rest of this entry »
SMELLS LIKE TUNA BURGERSJune 23, 2009
I recognize that smell anywhere. Every time she walks by me my nose piques up. Yep, there she goes again. Tuna fish patrol on the prowl. Most guys are repulsed by pungent poonany. But they don’t have the culinary kink you develop being surrounded by food. People’s filthy minds wander to sex when they eat food with certain aromas. My mind wanders to food when I’m banging someone emanating various aromas. The fact the girl in question smells a bit fishy only made me hungrier for meat from the sea. While my friends dissed the funky-scented hottie, I invited her over for tuna burgers. My whole house smelled like tuna anyway so I couldn’t smell the difference when we went from Cook To Bang.
Total time: approximately 10 minutes
Projected cost: $3
Drinking Buddy: MELLOW JELL-O MAKES’EM BELLOW
Ingredients (serves 2):
1. 1 can of TUNA
2. ½ tbsp olive oil
3. Mayonnaise to taste
4. 2 hamburger buns
5. 2 green onions chopped coarsely
6. 1 small handful of cilantro chopped coarsely
7. ½ AVOCADO sliced thinly
8. ½ lime
9. 1 egg
10. ½ a Serrano CHILI diced finely
Drain the tuna and mix it thoroughly with the green onions, cilantro, chilies and egg.
Form two burgers, pressing them together tightly. Pan-fry the burgers in olive oil on medium heat, flipping once so both sides brown (approx 3 min per side).
Assemble the burgers by toasting the buns, slathering them with mayonnaise and avocado. Slide the tuna patties in, slap them together and slice in half.
Serve them up solo, with salad or some TOTALLY SWEET POTATO FRIES.
HARDCORE SOFT-BOILED EGGSMarch 19, 2009
A naysayer would say all porn is smut. They wouldn’t distinguish between hardcore and soft-core porn. The nuances are missed. Soft and hardcore each have their time and place and both share a clear business plan. How many big corporations can so clearly define their prime directive? I am all for a little soft-core with its sweet, half-baked romances that lead to tedious T&A on satin sheets without revealing anything more than the viewer’s frustration. And hardcore certainly has inspired some adventures unmentionable anywhere but a confession booth (sorry, Father O’Hanrahan). But choosing between soft-core and hardcore eggs, I prefer soft. The ooey gooey soft-boiled yolk reminds me of simpler times when all I needed was Skinemax to get me through desperate times in high school. But being an adult does have some perks. I can choose between soft and sticky or the hard and icky. Breakfast…it’s all about choices.
Total time: approximately 10 minutes
Projected cost: $4
Drinking Buddy: A NOT-SO-TEENY WEENY BELLINI or a SMOOTHEE OPERATOR
Ingredients (serves 2):
1. Salt to taste
2. Pepper to taste
3. ½ an avocado sliced thinly
4. 2 eggs
5. 2 slices of bread
6. Butter for two pieces of toast
Bring a pot of water to a roaring boil. Add the two eggs and boil for 5 minutes, then place them in a bowl of cold water to cool, before placing an egg in a shot glass (or other small container).
Toast the two slices of bread, spread butter on them, and then quarter the toast. Crown each quarter with a slice of avocado and set them on a plate surrounding each egg as if it were a god.
Use the side of a spoon to whack around the edges of each egg, and then remove the shell top. Add a pinch of salt and your desired amount of pepper on each egg and serve immediately.
READY FOR BEDDY SPAGHETTIJanuary 25, 2009
COOK TO BANG generally advocates you kinky cooks out there to impress the hell out of your chosen conquest. And with good reason. The CTB method of seduction came out of much research I bravely endured for you, my dear reader. But sometimes, depending on your target, simplicity in seduction can be the key. Don’t overdo a first date with a five-course meal complete with champagne and a four-string quartet. You’ll look like a jackass, a jackass who ain’t getting laid. You can play it off casually like you’re throwing together a meal last minute. Invite your date over for a drink before going out to some fancy restaurant written up in your local paper. Then have a friend call your phone and pretend it’s the restaurant informing you they cannot seat you. Feign annoyance, apologize, pour them another drink and offer to cook instead. Your date can find out by “accident” that you happen to be a kickass cook who made something sensational with next to nothing. This spaghetti dish screams nonchalance. Plus it’s vegetarian and vegan friendly, and healthy as hell. It’s win win. READY FOR BEDDY SPAGHETTI makes a great starter, light entrée or can compliment a nice piece of meat. Heh heh…
Total time: approximately 25 minutes
Projected cost: $6
Drinking Buddy: Red wine or prosecco
1. 2 tablespoons of olive oil
2. ½ cup of white wine
3. 1 teaspoon of salt
4. ½ pound of dried spaghetti
5. ½ a lemon worth of juice
6. 1 teaspoon of crushed red pepper flakes
7. 3 garlic cloves diced finely
8. 2 handfuls of cherry tomatoes cut in half
9. ½ a red onion chopped coarsely
Step 1 Boil the spaghetti al dente. Rinse out the excess starch. While the pasta boils, move onto Step 2. Step 2 Heat up the olive oil in a deep pan or wok on medium-low heat. Sauté the garlic until the begin to brown (approx 30 seconds). Throw in the red onions and sauté until they soften and become translucent (approx 2 minutes). Squeeze in the lemon juice and allow the citrus to be absorbed (approx 2 minutes). Next sauté the cherry tomatoes with the salt until they soften (approx 3 minutes). Finally add the white wine and simmer covered on super low heat (approx 15 minutes). Step 3 Dump the cooked spaghetti into the sauce and mix it all together thoroughly allowing the pasta to heat up. Serve up the spaghetti on a plate with Parmesan if you like. Bravo!