All earthly creatures do it in their own way. Giraffes do it standing up, their long necks intertwined. Male spider monkeys will grab their female partner mid-air, hump them, and release before they even hit the ground. Humans have all kinds of mating rituals from courting over food, to bringing in toys to “bring the spark back”, to discussing the relationship ad nausea post-coital. And within the human genus, we have countless subsets of this behavior. We are an odd species to be sure. Aliens who enslave us two decades from now will be hard-pressed to figure out how to get us to toil away on the Vectarion reactors. I’ll make it simple for them: give us food and let us bang. We’ll take it from there, Remulox. Read the rest of this entry »
SEXUAL PRACTICE CACTUS SALSAOctober 5, 2015
ELVIS LIVES (TO BANG) SMOOTHEEJune 24, 2015
The King is back. Elvis had the right idea with his clever combination of peanut butter, honey, and bananas. A little gold lame and you will be styling even posthumously. You can be the King of your kitchen when you start your morning out with a glass of burning love. Be the hound dog who gets all shook up in the sack, while avoiding singing in some jail with backup dancers in striped prison suits. This smoothee was made on a whim when I had fuck all for ingredients and was ravenous and parched from exhausting morning sex. Simple, fast, effective. The only thing lacking was a throng of screaming girls. Technically there was only one girl screaming my name. But Elvis wasn’t the King overnight so give me time. Read the rest of this entry »
SNEAK PAST THE GOALIE AIOLIApril 6, 2010
That goalie is one cock-blocking bastard! They are intent on keeping you both from experiencing Shangi la. You better be clever if you’re going to score. My trick is to act like I never intend to shoot for glory until their guard is down. Nonchalance and heaping bowl of sarcasm usually accomplish this. When that isn’t enough, I revert to my Cook To Bang practices and end up scoring a weekend hat trick. Aioli does not qualify as sexy on its own. For some reason mayonnaise never caught on like whipped cream in the art of culinarylingus. But alas, you can use it as a FINGER FOOD FOREPLAY dip, a spread for SINWICHES, or eat this CONDOM-MENT with a spoon. In the immortal words of a soccer/football announcer GOOOOOOAAAAAAAAALLLLLLLLL!
Total time: 3 minutes
Projected cost: $4
Drinking buddy: All depends on what you serve with it
Ingredients (serves 2)
1. 4 tbsp mayonnaise
2. 1 dash sea salt
3. 1 small handful fresh BASIL
4. 1/2 lemon
5. 1 small handful sun-dried tomatoes
Fill up a food processor or blender with the mayonnaise, sun-dried tomatoes, basil, sea salt, and squeeze in the lemon juice. Puree it into a gorgeous orange hue and serve, garnishing it with a basil leaf and sun-dried tomato.
BANANA-RAM-YA MILKSHAKEFebruary 28, 2009
Just imagine yourself a young, horny kid in the 50’s. Too bad societal pressures would keep you from indulging your every whim like James Dean. No, you would be expected to settle for some awesome chrome car and a letterman jacket or pressed Donna Reed blouse. Sounds good in their theory, but do you really want to wait until marriage to bang to your hearts content? Chances are you would be locked in to a loveless marriage fueled by Dean Martin, scotch, and keys in the punchbowl parties. Luckily, 50+ years and a sexual revolution later, we can indulge our carnal desire milkshake without having to buy the whole rancid cow. Bear in mind that back then the concept of lactose intolerance was not even a glimmer in the milkman banging the bored housewife’s eye. But we can thank the 50’s for the malt shop culture. Back then they couldn’t bang so they consumed high calorie treats. Now we can do both. So sip your milkshake while you lift up that poodle skirt and doo wop to your heart’s content.
Total time: approximately 2 minutes
Projected cost: $5
Drinking Buddy: If you are hardcore you could pour in some vodka
Ingredients (serves 2):
1. 2 scoops of vanilla ice cream
2. 2 cups of milk
3. 2 tablespoons of honey
4. 1 banana
5. 1 handful of pistachios
Break the banana in half and drop it in the blender along with the ice cream, honey, pistachios and milk and blend it to perfection. Serve it up cold before things get really hot!