October 5, 2015
Dont be a prick-ly pear.
All earthly creatures do it in their own way. Giraffes do it standing up, their long necks intertwined. Male spider monkeys will grab their female partner mid-air, hump them, and release before they even hit the ground. Humans have all kinds of mating rituals from courting over food, to bringing in toys to “bring the spark back”, to discussing the relationship ad nausea post-coital. And within the human genus, we have countless subsets of this behavior. We are an odd species to be sure. Aliens who enslave us two decades from now will be hard-pressed to figure out how to get us to toil away on the Vectarion reactors. I’ll make it simple for them: give us food and let us bang. We’ll take it from there, Remulox. Read the rest of this entry »
Leave a Comment » | 
aphrodisiac, APHRODISIACS ANONYMOUS, condom-ment, fusion, healthy, mexican, RECIPES, spicy, vegan, vegetarian | Tagged: alien conquerors, aliens, bang, banging, blend, cactus, cilantro, condiment, condom-ments, delicious, discussing the relationship, DIY, easy, food, fusion, game changer, garlic, get laid, giraffe, gourmet, green onion, guarantee, homemade, human genus, intercourse, jalapeños, kitchen, libido, lime, mating rituals, mexican, mexico, naked, nopales, post-coital, prickly pear, recipe, remulox, salsa, sea salt, seduce, SEDUCTION, sex, sex toys, sexual practice, sexual practice cactus salsa, spicy, spider monkeys, tasty, vectarion reactor, vegan, vegetarian, yummy | 
Permalink
Posted by cooktobang
June 24, 2015
Elvis has left the building…with your girl
The King is back. Elvis had the right idea with his clever combination of peanut butter, honey, and bananas. A little gold lame and you will be styling even posthumously. You can be the King of your kitchen when you start your morning out with a glass of burning love. Be the hound dog who gets all shook up in the sack, while avoiding singing in some jail with backup dancers in striped prison suits. This smoothee was made on a whim when I had fuck all for ingredients and was ravenous and parched from exhausting morning sex. Simple, fast, effective. The only thing lacking was a throng of screaming girls. Technically there was only one girl screaming my name. But Elvis wasn’t the King overnight so give me time. Read the rest of this entry »
Leave a Comment » | aphrodisiac, APHRODISIACS ANONYMOUS, dairy, libation lubrication, MORNING WOOD, RECIPES, southern | Tagged: 50’s, 75th birthday, almond milk, aphrodisiac, bang, banging, beverage, blend, breakfast, delicious, DIY, drink, easy, elvis presley, food, frozen bananas, game changer, get laid, gourmet, graceland, guarantee, heartbreak hotel, homemade, honey, hound dog, intercourse, jailhouse rock, kitchen, libido, milk, morning, morning sex, naked, peanut butter, recipe, rice milk, rock and roll, screaming girls, seduce, SEDUCTION, sex, smoothee, smoothie, soy milk, tasty, the king, yummy | Permalink
Posted by cooktobang
April 6, 2010
He/she shoots...he/she scores!!!
That goalie is one cock-blocking bastard! They are intent on keeping you both from experiencing Shangi la. You better be clever if you’re going to score. My trick is to act like I never intend to shoot for glory until their guard is down. Nonchalance and heaping bowl of sarcasm usually accomplish this. When that isn’t enough, I revert to my Cook To Bang practices and end up scoring a weekend hat trick. Aioli does not qualify as sexy on its own. For some reason mayonnaise never caught on like whipped cream in the art of culinarylingus. But alas, you can use it as a FINGER FOOD FOREPLAY dip, a spread for SINWICHES, or eat this CONDOM-MENT with a spoon. In the immortal words of a soccer/football announcer GOOOOOOAAAAAAAAALLLLLLLLL!
Total time: 3 minutes
Projected cost: $4
Drinking buddy: All depends on what you serve with it
Ingredients (serves 2)
1. 4 tbsp mayonnaise
2. 1 dash sea salt
3. 1 small handful fresh BASIL
4. 1/2 lemon
5. 1 small handful sun-dried tomatoes
Step 1
Fill up a food processor or blender with the mayonnaise, sun-dried tomatoes, basil, sea salt, and squeeze in the lemon juice. Puree it into a gorgeous orange hue and serve, garnishing it with a basil leaf and sun-dried tomato.
Leave a Comment » | aphrodisiac, APHRODISIACS ANONYMOUS, condom-ment, french, RECIPES | Tagged: aphrodisiac, bang, banging, basil, bastard, blend, cock-blocking, condiment, condom-ment, culinarylingus, delicious, DIY, easy, food, football, game changer, get laid, gourmet, hat trick, homemade, intercourse, kitchen, lemon, libido, mayonnaise, naked, nonchalance, recipe, sarcasm, sea salt, seduce, SEDUCTION, sex, shangi la, sneak past the goalie aoili, soccer, sun dried tomato, sun-dried tomato aioli recipe, tasty, yummy | Permalink
Posted by cooktobang
February 28, 2009
Do wop babaloo bop do wop BANG BOOM!
Just imagine yourself a young, horny kid in the 50’s. Too bad societal pressures would keep you from indulging your every whim like James Dean. No, you would be expected to settle for some awesome chrome car and a letterman jacket or pressed Donna Reed blouse. Sounds good in their theory, but do you really want to wait until marriage to bang to your hearts content? Chances are you would be locked in to a loveless marriage fueled by Dean Martin, scotch, and keys in the punchbowl parties. Luckily, 50+ years and a sexual revolution later, we can indulge our carnal desire milkshake without having to buy the whole rancid cow. Bear in mind that back then the concept of lactose intolerance was not even a glimmer in the milkman banging the bored housewife’s eye. But we can thank the 50’s for the malt shop culture. Back then they couldn’t bang so they consumed high calorie treats. Now we can do both. So sip your milkshake while you lift up that poodle skirt and doo wop to your heart’s content.
Total time: approximately 2 minutes
Projected cost: $5
Drinking Buddy: If you are hardcore you could pour in some vodka
Ingredients (serves 2):
1. 2 scoops of vanilla ice cream
2. 2 cups of milk
3. 2 tablespoons of honey
4. 1 banana
5. 1 handful of pistachios
Step 1
Break the banana in half and drop it in the blender along with the ice cream, honey, pistachios and milk and blend it to perfection. Serve it up cold before things get really hot!
1 Comment | libation lubrication, RECIPES, SWEET TEMPTATIONS, vegetarian | Tagged: 50’s, awesome, banana, Banana milkshake recipe, bang, blend, creamy, dean martin, delicious, dessert, DIY, donna reed, easy, fruit, game changer, get laid, gourmet, gourmet banana milkshake, guarantee, homemade, honey, intercourse, james dean, kitchen, lactose intolerant, letterman jacket, libation, lubrication, malt shop, milk, milk man, naked, nuts, pistachio, poodle skirt, puree, recipe, scotch, seduce, sex, sexual revolution, sweet, sweet temptation, tasty, vanilla, vegetarian, yummy | Permalink
Posted by cooktobang
Cook To Bang - Recipes To Get You Laid 