SOLDIER BOY SINWICH

August 28, 2009
The man in the black pajamas makes a mean sandwich. Don't flavor with napalm!

The man in the black pajamas makes a mean sandwich. Don't flavor with napalm!

“You want boom boom?” asked two Vietnamese hookers on a moped. I was in Hanoi, trekking around in search of mayhem and kick ass pho (Vietnamese noodle soup). I don’t pay for sex. No offense to those who hire whore now and again. My charm and cooking skills are enough to get girls naked. But these two young trollops were hot and the mathematical possibilities enticing it. So I asked them, “Will you love me long time?” They nodded and beckoned me to get on the back of their motorbike. So I countered, “Are you so horny?” Damn straight they were. The cherry on top was when I asked them to call me “Soldier boy.” One said, “We give you boom boom, soldier boy.” The other added, “Me so horny. We love you long time.” I had a Full Metal Jacket growth in my pants, but contracting GI Joe Kung Fu grip wasn’t recommended in my Lonely Planet guide. So I declined their offer for boom boom. Instead I got this chicken sandwich from a street vendor that was amazing, although not quite as interesting as the international incident I passed up. To all the girls I have banged since…You’re Welcome!

Total time: approximately 20 minutes
Projected cost: $7
Drinking Buddy: Beer or a PANTY DROPPING SHANDY

vietnamese chicken prepIngredients (serves 2):
1. 2 sandwich rolls
2. 1 tsp lemon juice
3. 1 tsp soy sauce
4. 1 tsp oyster sauce
5. 1 tsp fish sauce
6. ½ onion chopped coarsely
7. 1 carrot sliced thinly
8. 1 tomato sliced thinly
9. 2 chicken breasts
10. 1 handful shredded coconut
11. 1 handful cilantro chopped finely
12. 1 CHILI diced finely
13. 1 tbsp vegetable oil (not pictured, St. Peter has already taken note)

Step 1
Mince the chicken and then marinate with cilantro, chili, onion, coconut, soy sauce, fish sauce, oyster sauce and lemon juice (approx 15 min).
vietnamese chicken marinate
Step 2
Cook the chicken thoroughly with vegetable oil (approx 5 min). Slice open the bread rolls and stuff the chicken into them. Add the tomato and carrot slices and shut the sandwich, soldier boy.

vietnamese chicken cook assemble

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MY HONEY BAKES MY APPLES SPICY

March 26, 2009
Wake and Bake!

Wake and Bake!

My honey’s got it going on.  She knows just how to handle my fruit. Ooh, baby!  You know just how to peel ‘em naked, rub ‘em down with your sticky icky, and then heat ‘em up.  Dessert will never be the same. Every bite is crazy healthy and bursting with flavor G spots.  Hot damn!  We can indulge all our flavor fantasies guilt-free.  No one can judge us because we are technically playing by the rules.  The calorie police don’t have to know how much pleasure we’re soaking up.  It’s none of their taste-hating business what we bake behind closed doors.  So enjoy with reckless abandon just because you can.  It will be our little secret.

baked-apples-prep1Total time: approximately 40 minutes
Projected cost: $3
Drinking Buddy: HOT COCOA or a HOT TODDY

Ingredients (serves 2):
1. 3 tablespoons of HONEY
2. ½ a lemon of juice
3. 4 Fuji apples
4. 1 cinnamon stick
5. 1 pinch of cloves
6. Plain yogurt to pour on top of apples (not pictured)*
*Optional

Step 1
Preheat the oven to 350 degrees F.  Peel the apples and cut halves off each side, leaving the cores intact.  Cut the smaller slivers off each core.  Add all the apple meat to a small baking pan with the cut sides up.
baked-apples-peel-cut-place
Step 2
Warm up a pan on medium heat.  Squeeze in the lemon, and then add the cinnamon stick, cloves and honey.  Mix it together and allow the spices to soak into the liquid.  Once the mixture bubbles up, remove it from the heat and pour the honey evenly over the apples in the baking pan.
baked-apples-spiced-honey
Step 3
Throw the apples in the oven and cook until they soften (approx 20 minutes), and then flip them and bake the other side through (approx 10 minutes), pouring sauce scooped from the baking sheet over the topside.  Serve up on plate with a little yogurt if you are so inclined.
baked-apples-bake-serve

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LET MY LEMON CHICKEN PASTA GO!

March 24, 2009
Put down the chicken breast and no one gets hurt!

Put down the chicken breast and no one gets hurt!

Yeah, you heard me!  Take your hands off my chicken breasts and amscray!  You don’t see me walking around all cavalier and fondling other people’s breasts.  What?  Well that was consensual! Very very consensual!  Oh, and that other time.  You got me there.  But that was just to draw a laugh.  No, I’m not messing with you.  You can’t blame me for that!  It was a double dog dare!  And if I’m not mistaken, she did give me her number.  I cooked for her too.  We had a great evening and, yes, I did fondle.  But she insisted.  I was perfectly happy to just play Scrabble and discuss current events.  So once again, I’m not in the wrong.  You are!  Now are you going to put my breasts down so I can grill them or will I have to resort to fisticuffs?  I will defend my chicken breasts’ honor and then eat them if it’s the last thing I do!

Total time: approximately 35 minutes
Projected cost: $7
Drinking Buddy: Red red wine

lemon-chicken-pasta-prep1Ingredients (serves 2):
1. 2 tablespoons of olive oil
2. 1 teaspoon of salt
3. ½ teaspoon of crushed red pepper
4. ½ teaspoon of dried basil
5. 2 teaspoons of black pepper
6. ¼ pound of dried Rotelle pasta
7. 3 tomatoes chopped coarsely
8. 2 handfuls of sliced mushrooms
9. ½ a lemon of juice
10. ½ pound of chicken breast sliced into bite-sized pieces
11. 2 handfuls of bite-sized broccoli pieces
Step 1
Mix up the chicken with the lemon juice and black pepper and allow it to marinate (approx 10 minutes).  Warm up 1 tablespoon of olive oil in a pan on medium heat.  Then cook the chicken through in it’s own juices until it goes white (approx 6 minutes).  Set aside.
lemon-chicken-pasta-marinate-grillStep 2
Heat up the rest of the olive oil in a pan and stir-fry the broccoli and mushrooms with more lemon juice until they soften (approx 4 minutes).  Finally add the tomatoes along with a liberal dashing of salt, crushed red pepper and basil, and stew and stir it all down into a sauce (approx 5 minutes).
lemon-chicken-pasta-sauce1Step 3
Boil water, cook and drain the pasta al dente.  Pour in the pasta in with sauce and stir it up.  Crown it all with the lemon pepper chicken, and serve.
lemon-chicken-pasta-boil-drain AddThis Social Bookmark Button


FRISKY FRIED RICE

March 11, 2009
Sometime you just get lucky

Sometime you just get lucky

Desperation leads to innovation.  That is what I learned making this ridiculous rice dish.  I was traveling in a foreign land where I met a local girl who spoke little English and I little Spanish.  But we were both hungry so I invited her over for lunch at my Uncle’s place with a very limited kitchen.  I was way out of my element not only from culture shock, but also from a cooking environment lacking even something simple like black pepper.  But I had professed in no uncertain terms, “soy un jefe de cocina muy excellente!”  So I went to work the only way I know how, recklessly.  There was an old bag of rice, some veggies I bought off a truck, 1 weird seasoning jar and the Lizano salsa, my new favorite condiment.  This stuff has as many uses as Astroglide, but far tastier to most.  My chica bonita was well impressed with the random dish I concocted out of thin air.  Her hunger for food was satisfied, but only my sexy gringo ass could satisfy her sweet tooth.  The takeaway for this sordid tale I offer you is that you can eke out a feast from an ice cube and cinnamon stick if you are clever.  It’s like making a condom out of saran wrap, but not as idiotic.

Total time: approximately 20 minutes
Projected cost: $5
Drinking Buddy: Moonshine that you made out of rubbing alcohol and grape soda*

*This is sarcasm. Cook To Bang does not endorse making yourself blind from homemade moonshine.  Save that for the hillbillies.

frisky-fried-rice-prepIngredients (serves 2):
1. 1 tablespoon of seasoning of your choice (Spike Vege-sal used in this pic)
2. 4 tablespoons of Lizano salsa (available at most local Latino markets) OR other favorite hot sauce
3. 1 tablespoon of olive oil
4. 1 coffee mug of dried white rice
5. 1 large carrot
6. ½ a lemon worth of juice
7. 1 onion
8. 1 egg
9. 1 handful of raw almonds

Step 1
Fill a coffee mug up with dried rice and pour it in a medium sized pot, then two mugfuls of water.  Bring the water to a boil on high heat, then turn the heat down to medium and cook covered until rice fully expands (approx 10 minutes, read instructions).  Use a fork to fluff the rice like a porn star.
frisky-fried-rice-boil1
Step 2
Cut up the onions and carrots into bite-sized pieces.  Heat up a decent sized pan with olive oil, then sauté the veggies until they soften (approx 3 minutes).  Add the seasoning and almonds and cook until the almonds soften (approx 2 minutes).
frisky-fried-rice-veggies
Step 3
Add the rice to the pan and mix them all up.  Crack the egg onto top of the rice and quickly beat it so it cooks into the rice.  Squeeze the lemon juice on top and crown it all with the blessed Lizano sauce.  Behold, an edible feast made from pure gumption.

frisky-fried-rice-mix-egg-sauce

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ASS-SENTIAL SESAME ASS-PARAGUS

January 5, 2009
Sesame equals sex-to-me
Sesame equals sex-to-me

So you’re game for a healthy aphrodisiac that is fast, easy and aesthetically pleasing?  Look no further than this fine sesame asparagus recipe.  Not only do you have the natural Viagra benefits of the asparagus, but the sweet, sticky honey will ramp up your date’s libido.  You might score extra points for the dish being vegetarian and amazingly nutritional, as all aphrodisiacs are.  Duh!  This side dish will legitimize even the most pathetic attempts at an entrée because it is so damn pretty.  Did I mention it was tasty too?  The Chinese know what they were doing.  My first dance with sesame asparagus happened during a trip to Hong Kong.  I was eating at an upscale eatery in Kowloon overlooking the Hong Kong cityscape exploding in choreographed colors.  The real lightshow was going on in my mouth, which eventually set my feet dancing like the white devil maniac that I am.  Luckily I found a kind local girl to correct my foolish ways and show me around the city, including the magnificent view from her bedroom.

Total time: approximately 15 minutes
Projected cost: $5
Drinking Buddy: Depends on what entrée you serve with it, CTB recommends a smooth red wine

sesame-asparagus-prepIngredients:
1. 2 tablespoons of dried sesame seeds
2. 1 tablespoon of soy sauce
3. 1 tablespoon of olive oil
4. 1 tablespoon of honey
5. 1 pound of fresh asparagus
6. ½ a lemon worth of juice

Step 1
Mix the soy sauce, olive oil, honey and lemon into a sticky sauce that would glisten in the noonday sun.
sesame-asparagus-sauce
Step 2
Steam the asparagus until you can easily pierce them with a fork (approx 5 minutes).  Toss the steamed asparagus with the sauce.  Place the drenched asparagus in a baking pan with room between each stalk.  Sprinkle the sesame seeds evenly over the asparagus.
sesame-asparagus-steam-seed
Step 3
Set the oven to a high broil.  Throw the baking sheet with asparagus on the highest rack.  Allow the sesame seeds to toast and stick firmly to the asparagus stalks.  (Approx 6 minutes) Serve each stalk carefully by grabbing them with tongs to avoid messing up the sesame seeds.  Presentation is important.
sesame-asparagus-bake

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