RAM THAT GRAHAM

September 18, 2015

Ram that graham and until your lover say, "Dammmmn!"

Much props goes out to PRISCILLA in Charlotte, NC for this confection concoction. I first made this dessert while I was doing a CTB Home Invasion at her pad. Homegirl had so much great food to work with it was embarrassment of riches. The ladies atteneding all did agree that it was pretty damn delicious. Whodathunk such a random commingling of goods would kick such ass? The graham rammed itself down everybody’s throats with not a complaint in the mix. It’s as if it came to life, wooed each and every one of us individually, and then banged us sweetly. I want to say I was taken advantage of, perhaps violated. But that would be a lie. All witnesses can attest that I was flirting with my dessert all night. Every few minutes I’d be checking it out in the oven, fondling it, cooing sweet nothings about how banging it looked. I woke up in an empty bed with nothing but graham and coconut crumbs and a note that read: Thanks for the memories! Read the rest of this entry »


POTSTICK YOUR SPICY STRAWBERRIES

June 13, 2014
You got to lick it before you potstick it!

You got to lick it before you potstick it!

Innovation generally is born out of desperation, or so I learned creating this appetizer. I returned home briefly after an extended absence and didn’t even bother to take my luggage out of the car. Off to a birthday party I went, eager to connect with old friends, and make a few new ones. My reputation at the party for being a great cook preceded me. One of the guests was especially keen to find out just how much I know about food. We spent most of the night discussing food, our bodies inching closer and closer as we spoke with passion and lust for fine cuisine. I’m not sure exactly how it went down, but we bailed on the party before the cake was served (the food was uninspiring anyway) to whip something up at my house. Only problem was my fridge was empty except for some frozen potstickers, condiments galore and the three strawberries my roommate had leftover. With my cooking game’s reputation on the line, I threw down the gauntlet and made this random piece of awesomeness. My new friend was impressed and gave me props for efforts once that night and twice in the morning. Read the rest of this entry »


FRISKY FRIED RICE

March 11, 2009
Sometime you just get lucky

Sometime you just get lucky

Desperation leads to innovation.  That is what I learned making this ridiculous rice dish.  I was traveling in a foreign land where I met a local girl who spoke little English and I little Spanish.  But we were both hungry so I invited her over for lunch at my Uncle’s place with a very limited kitchen.  I was way out of my element not only from culture shock, but also from a cooking environment lacking even something simple like black pepper.  But I had professed in no uncertain terms, “soy un jefe de cocina muy excellente!”  So I went to work the only way I know how, recklessly.  There was an old bag of rice, some veggies I bought off a truck, 1 weird seasoning jar and the Lizano salsa, my new favorite condiment.  This stuff has as many uses as Astroglide, but far tastier to most.  My chica bonita was well impressed with the random dish I concocted out of thin air.  Her hunger for food was satisfied, but only my sexy gringo ass could satisfy her sweet tooth.  The takeaway for this sordid tale I offer you is that you can eke out a feast from an ice cube and cinnamon stick if you are clever.  It’s like making a condom out of saran wrap, but not as idiotic.

Total time: approximately 20 minutes
Projected cost: $5
Drinking Buddy: Moonshine that you made out of rubbing alcohol and grape soda*

*This is sarcasm. Cook To Bang does not endorse making yourself blind from homemade moonshine.  Save that for the hillbillies.

frisky-fried-rice-prepIngredients (serves 2):
1. 1 tablespoon of seasoning of your choice (Spike Vege-sal used in this pic)
2. 4 tablespoons of Lizano salsa (available at most local Latino markets) OR other favorite hot sauce
3. 1 tablespoon of olive oil
4. 1 coffee mug of dried white rice
5. 1 large carrot
6. ½ a lemon worth of juice
7. 1 onion
8. 1 egg
9. 1 handful of raw almonds

Step 1
Fill a coffee mug up with dried rice and pour it in a medium sized pot, then two mugfuls of water.  Bring the water to a boil on high heat, then turn the heat down to medium and cook covered until rice fully expands (approx 10 minutes, read instructions).  Use a fork to fluff the rice like a porn star.
frisky-fried-rice-boil1
Step 2
Cut up the onions and carrots into bite-sized pieces.  Heat up a decent sized pan with olive oil, then sauté the veggies until they soften (approx 3 minutes).  Add the seasoning and almonds and cook until the almonds soften (approx 2 minutes).
frisky-fried-rice-veggies
Step 3
Add the rice to the pan and mix them all up.  Crack the egg onto top of the rice and quickly beat it so it cooks into the rice.  Squeeze the lemon juice on top and crown it all with the blessed Lizano sauce.  Behold, an edible feast made from pure gumption.

frisky-fried-rice-mix-egg-sauce

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