Aloha, hula girls! Kamana wanna laya. That is Hawaiian for, “Come over and I’ll make you dinner.” At least that’s what the tour guide tart said to me on a tropical rainforest walk. Being the unusual tourist with caustic wit is at least good for something. My lack of fanny-pack, Pearl Harbor commemorative t-shirt, and golf hat gave me away. Eager to get away from the family, and, do I really need a reason to jump into the car of an attractive stranger? This lickable local showed me the real Hawaii, including a real Hawaiian bar where my weak sauce knowledge of surfing lingo was mocked. Lucky for my fragile ego, she took me home after for the promised homemade meal. This babe had a badass blade and sliced up sashimi grade ahi tuna her friend caught that morning. I honestly can’t tell you what was better, the poke or the poking. Read the rest of this entry »
Desperation leads to innovation. That is what I learned making this ridiculous rice dish. I was traveling in a foreign land where I met a local girl who spoke little English and I little Spanish. But we were both hungry so I invited her over for lunch at my Uncle’s place with a very limited kitchen. I was way out of my element not only from culture shock, but also from a cooking environment lacking even something simple like black pepper. But I had professed in no uncertain terms, “soy un jefe de cocina muy excellente!” So I went to work the only way I know how, recklessly. There was an old bag of rice, some veggies I bought off a truck, 1 weird seasoning jar and the Lizano salsa, my new favorite condiment. This stuff has as many uses as Astroglide, but far tastier to most. My chica bonita was well impressed with the random dish I concocted out of thin air. Her hunger for food was satisfied, but only my sexy gringo ass could satisfy her sweet tooth. The takeaway for this sordid tale I offer you is that you can eke out a feast from an ice cube and cinnamon stick if you are clever. It’s like making a condom out of saran wrap, but not as idiotic.
Total time: approximately 20 minutes
Projected cost: $5
Drinking Buddy: Moonshine that you made out of rubbing alcohol and grape soda*
*This is sarcasm. Cook To Bang does not endorse making yourself blind from homemade moonshine. Save that for the hillbillies.
Ingredients (serves 2):
1. 1 tablespoon of seasoning of your choice (Spike Vege-sal used in this pic)
2. 4 tablespoons of Lizano salsa (available at most local Latino markets) OR other favorite hot sauce
3. 1 tablespoon of olive oil
4. 1 coffee mug of dried white rice
5. 1 large carrot
6. ½ a lemon worth of juice
7. 1 onion
8. 1 egg
9. 1 handful of raw almonds
Fill a coffee mug up with dried rice and pour it in a medium sized pot, then two mugfuls of water. Bring the water to a boil on high heat, then turn the heat down to medium and cook covered until rice fully expands (approx 10 minutes, read instructions). Use a fork to fluff the rice like a porn star.
Cut up the onions and carrots into bite-sized pieces. Heat up a decent sized pan with olive oil, then sauté the veggies until they soften (approx 3 minutes). Add the seasoning and almonds and cook until the almonds soften (approx 2 minutes).
Add the rice to the pan and mix them all up. Crack the egg onto top of the rice and quickly beat it so it cooks into the rice. Squeeze the lemon juice on top and crown it all with the blessed Lizano sauce. Behold, an edible feast made from pure gumption.