February 8, 2016
The Chinese have given us so much: taoism, kung fu and food fusion.

The Chinese have given us so much: taoism, kung fu and food fusion.

This SALAD is so goddamn precocious.  It thinks it can get away with anything because it is so nutritious and low fat.  I turned my back for a second and it had already invited all its buddies over to my place for a salad tossing party.  Don’t mistake me for some prude.  I do a website called Cook To Bang after all.  But these salads got buck wild under my roof.  They drank all my booze, wore all my favorite clothes and one them took a joyride in my car.  If you see a CHARRED OCTOPUSSY SALAD driving a Volvo be sure to tell it to return my wheels.  But in spite of all the annoyance, I have such a soft spot for Chinese Chicken Salad that I’ll let it go.  Not sure I could say the same for the COBB & BALLS SALAD.

Total time: approximately 20 minutes
Projected cost: $9
Drinking Buddy: RAGING HARD ON LEMONADE or Arnold Palmer…w/ vodka

chinese chicken salad prepIngredients (serves 2):
1. 2 tbsp soy sauce
2. 1 tsp sesame seeds
3. 1 tbsp HONEY
4. 1 can water chestnuts
5. 1 can/jar mandarin oranges
6. 1 tsp minced GINGER
7. 1 carrot shredded
8. 1/3 red cabbage cut in strips
9. 1/3 green cabbage cut on strips
10. 1 chicken breast

Step 1
Pan-steam the chicken in a thin layer of water, flipping once (approx 15 min).  Cut the meat into cubes.
chinese chicken salad pan steam
Step 2
Create the dressing by whisking together the soy sauce, honey, sesame seeds and ginger.
chinese chicken salad dressing
Step 3
Toss the green cabbage, red cabbage, carrot, drained water chestnuts drained mandarin oranges and chicken with the dressing.
chinese chicken salad toss
Serve up on plates for a perfect lunchtime quickie.
chinese chicken salad served 2

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August 12, 2015
One good bang deserves another.

One good bang deserves another.

Sometimes the second round of banging can top the first. Sure it isn’t as fresh as the first kill (figuratively speaking, Rambo) during a conquest. But your sexy time date’s flavor sets in a little and becomes familiar and welcoming. Soon you will be reaching for them on a regular basis, happy for more of the same. While I’m enjoying my salad days where I’m sampling everything at the buffet before I get serious about one dish, I see the appeal. It’s like that perfect slice of fish that you can’t pass up in favor of the juicy chicken cordon bleu. The same rules apply with this salad. I grilled an outstanding slab of salmon for party of 20 (sorry I didn’t document) and ended up with a fridge full of leftovers. Adding the salmon to the salad was almost an afterthought, like banging the person sleeping next to you while you’re half asleep. Good thing for that. This salad satisfied the hungry girl from the party who stayed the night…and half the next day.

simple salmon salad prepTotal time: approximately 20 minutes
Projected cost: $7
Drinking Buddy: Chardonnay or an Arnold Palmer (w/ vodka if you’re hardcore)

Ingredients (serves 2):
1. 2 tbsp of feta cheese
2. 1 cucumber sliced thinly
3. 1 tbsp vinegar (chef’s choice)
4. 1 tbsp lemon juice
5. 1 tbsp olive oil
6. 2 massive handfuls romaine lettuce chopped coarsely
7. ½ onion chopped finely
8. 1 carrot peeled, sliced thinly
9. 2 handfuls leftover SALMON
10. 1 handful kalamata olives

Step 1
Create the dressing by mixing up the onion, olive oil, vinegar and lemon juice.
simple salmon salad dressing copy
Step 2
Toss the lettuce, cucumber, carrots, de-pitted olives and dressing.
simple salmon salad toss
Step 3
Spoon plates of salad and crown with the salmon and feta cheese
simple salmon salad toppings
Serve up the salad solo, or with a SINWICH or SOUP or both!
simple salmon salad served 2

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October 10, 2011

During those cold winter months two things can keep you warm: a hot body and soup.  One can take care of the other.  Pick up the phone, comment how cold it is, and encourage your play pals over to warm their sexy bones with a bowl of soup and your charming ass.  Keep in mind that soup takes a little while, but also lasts a while so making a bunch never hurts.  Just multiply the recipe and you’ll have lunch for a week.  The ginger in this recipe is also great for fighting off sickness like the common cold or celibacy.

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January 12, 2010

Stuff with care

This main dish is meant for your main squeeze. Don’t prepare this outstanding entrée for one of your breezies on the side. The effort and effect are not worth it unless you want them to get hooked on you. It goes back to the essence of the Cook To Bang philosophy. Eat amazing food; have amazing sex. This hearty dish is perfect for a winter evening in. Why would you go out when you have the two essentials for a perfect night of carnal lust and consumption? At least that’s what I discovered when I laid this culinary mack down on a girl I’m seeing. She hasn’t stopped calling, texting, sexting, and facebooking since. Homegirl is officially addicted…to me. Ever since, I’ve been getting stuffed and busting nuts all over the place. Use this dish cautiously, unless you are eager to build your own harem.

Total time: approximately 45 minutes
Projected cost: $9
Drinking Buddy: Red red wine

Ingredients (Serves 2):
1. 3 tbsp olive oil
3. 1 butternut squash
4. 2 dashes black pepper
5. 3 dashes sea salt
6. 2 GREENSBURY MARKET organic chicken breasts
7. 1 pear
8. 2 large carrots
9. 2 green onions chopped coarsely
10. 1 lime wedge

Step 1
Preheat your oven to 350∞F/175∞C. Slice the squash lengthwise and scoop out the guts, leaving a nice cavity. Rub olive oil into each half, and then salt and pepper them and roast until the squash meat is soft (approx 30 min).

Step 2
While the squash roasts, cube the chicken and marinate in limejuice, cayenne pepper, and sea salt (approx 10 min).

Step 3
Peel the carrots and chop into bite-sized pieces. Slice the pears thinly. SautÈ the carrots and pears until they soften (approx 5 min). Add the chicken and sautÈ thoroughly.

Step 4
Finally scoop the sautÈed chicken and veggies into the cavities of the squash (once soft) and throw back in the oven and roast until it’s all heated through (approx 5 min). Crown each with green onions and serve.

This ENTRÉE kills it on it’s own, but a simple SALAD could shoot your date’s lust into the stratosphere.

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August 28, 2009
The man in the black pajamas makes a mean sandwich. Don't flavor with napalm!

The man in the black pajamas makes a mean sandwich. Don't flavor with napalm!

“You want boom boom?” asked two Vietnamese hookers on a moped. I was in Hanoi, trekking around in search of mayhem and kick ass pho (Vietnamese noodle soup). I don’t pay for sex. No offense to those who hire whore now and again. My charm and cooking skills are enough to get girls naked. But these two young trollops were hot and the mathematical possibilities enticing it. So I asked them, “Will you love me long time?” They nodded and beckoned me to get on the back of their motorbike. So I countered, “Are you so horny?” Damn straight they were. The cherry on top was when I asked them to call me “Soldier boy.” One said, “We give you boom boom, soldier boy.” The other added, “Me so horny. We love you long time.” I had a Full Metal Jacket growth in my pants, but contracting GI Joe Kung Fu grip wasn’t recommended in my Lonely Planet guide. So I declined their offer for boom boom. Instead I got this chicken sandwich from a street vendor that was amazing, although not quite as interesting as the international incident I passed up. To all the girls I have banged since…You’re Welcome!

Total time: approximately 20 minutes
Projected cost: $7
Drinking Buddy: Beer or a PANTY DROPPING SHANDY

vietnamese chicken prepIngredients (serves 2):
1. 2 sandwich rolls
2. 1 tsp lemon juice
3. 1 tsp soy sauce
4. 1 tsp oyster sauce
5. 1 tsp fish sauce
6. ½ onion chopped coarsely
7. 1 carrot sliced thinly
8. 1 tomato sliced thinly
9. 2 chicken breasts
10. 1 handful shredded coconut
11. 1 handful cilantro chopped finely
12. 1 CHILI diced finely
13. 1 tbsp vegetable oil (not pictured, St. Peter has already taken note)

Step 1
Mince the chicken and then marinate with cilantro, chili, onion, coconut, soy sauce, fish sauce, oyster sauce and lemon juice (approx 15 min).
vietnamese chicken marinate
Step 2
Cook the chicken thoroughly with vegetable oil (approx 5 min). Slice open the bread rolls and stuff the chicken into them. Add the tomato and carrot slices and shut the sandwich, soldier boy.

vietnamese chicken cook assemble

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March 11, 2009
Sometime you just get lucky

Sometime you just get lucky

Desperation leads to innovation.  That is what I learned making this ridiculous rice dish.  I was traveling in a foreign land where I met a local girl who spoke little English and I little Spanish.  But we were both hungry so I invited her over for lunch at my Uncle’s place with a very limited kitchen.  I was way out of my element not only from culture shock, but also from a cooking environment lacking even something simple like black pepper.  But I had professed in no uncertain terms, “soy un jefe de cocina muy excellente!”  So I went to work the only way I know how, recklessly.  There was an old bag of rice, some veggies I bought off a truck, 1 weird seasoning jar and the Lizano salsa, my new favorite condiment.  This stuff has as many uses as Astroglide, but far tastier to most.  My chica bonita was well impressed with the random dish I concocted out of thin air.  Her hunger for food was satisfied, but only my sexy gringo ass could satisfy her sweet tooth.  The takeaway for this sordid tale I offer you is that you can eke out a feast from an ice cube and cinnamon stick if you are clever.  It’s like making a condom out of saran wrap, but not as idiotic.

Total time: approximately 20 minutes
Projected cost: $5
Drinking Buddy: Moonshine that you made out of rubbing alcohol and grape soda*

*This is sarcasm. Cook To Bang does not endorse making yourself blind from homemade moonshine.  Save that for the hillbillies.

frisky-fried-rice-prepIngredients (serves 2):
1. 1 tablespoon of seasoning of your choice (Spike Vege-sal used in this pic)
2. 4 tablespoons of Lizano salsa (available at most local Latino markets) OR other favorite hot sauce
3. 1 tablespoon of olive oil
4. 1 coffee mug of dried white rice
5. 1 large carrot
6. ½ a lemon worth of juice
7. 1 onion
8. 1 egg
9. 1 handful of raw almonds

Step 1
Fill a coffee mug up with dried rice and pour it in a medium sized pot, then two mugfuls of water.  Bring the water to a boil on high heat, then turn the heat down to medium and cook covered until rice fully expands (approx 10 minutes, read instructions).  Use a fork to fluff the rice like a porn star.
Step 2
Cut up the onions and carrots into bite-sized pieces.  Heat up a decent sized pan with olive oil, then sauté the veggies until they soften (approx 3 minutes).  Add the seasoning and almonds and cook until the almonds soften (approx 2 minutes).
Step 3
Add the rice to the pan and mix them all up.  Crack the egg onto top of the rice and quickly beat it so it cooks into the rice.  Squeeze the lemon juice on top and crown it all with the blessed Lizano sauce.  Behold, an edible feast made from pure gumption.


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February 18, 2009
Lay that cod on the bed and cook it's brains out

Lay that cod on the bed and cook it's brains out

You’ve been rocking that cod all night.  Your filet so cooked it’s crispy from all the heat.  You’ve ridden it hard and put it away wet.  It’s time to put it to bed…of veggies.  Welcome to the CTB jungle, baby!  You’re gonna die…from an orgasm overdose.  This dish overflows with aphrodisiac-loaded potential for seducing even the most prude of Prudences.  Sure the price of ingredients ain’t cheap, but you can’t build a rocket to the moon out of sardine cans from the 99cent store.  I tried and crash-landed outside of Tijuana where I got a great FISH TACO.  This recipe is quality over quantity for that quality someone you really really want.  I warn you that it will be rather HARD to determine which orgasm you prefer. The sexual or culinary?  Just consider it a multiple orgasm and be done with it.

*Special shout out to master chef Jane for this audaciously awesome recipe.

Total time: approximately 30 minutes
Projected cost: $20, but worth every goddamn penny!
Drinking Buddy: White wine; just drink the rest of the bottle (see below)

cod-bed-leeks-prepIngredients (serves 2):
1. 1 Portobello mushroom
2. 1 tablespoon of olive oil
3. ½ cup of white wine
4. 1 leek
5. 1 tablespoon of salt
6. Pepper to taste
7. 2 strips of bacon (or turkey or veggie bacon)
8. 2 8-ounce filets of black cod
9. 1 large carrot peeled
10. 1 handful or dried porcini mushrooms
11. 2 garlic cloves minced

Step 1
First you must prep the leeks and Portobello mushrooms that are filthier than your mind.  Cut the stem and most of the dark green off the leek, then spilt in half and wash them thoroughly, being sure to wash out the grit between the folds, then chopping thin slices.  Peel, filet and dice the carrots.  Finally, wash off the Portobello mushroom thoroughly, pull out the stalk gently, scrap out the black gills and chop them into 1-inch thick strips.
Step 2
Heat a large pan on medium-high.  Throw in the bacon and cook out all the fat before tossing in the leeks, garlic and carrots and cook them down (approx 5 minutes).  Slice the mushroom strips into bite-sized pieces, throw in the salt and cook down further (approx 3 minutes). Dump in the white wine, and turn down heat and allow to simmer while you do Step 3.
Step 3
Take the dried porcini mushrooms and pulverize them in a coffee grinder (if you don’t have grinder, use mortal & pestle, or chop with knife).  Throw the shroom dust in a deep container and rub each side of the black cod in it.  Heat the olive oil up in another pan on high heat and throw on the coated cod filets cooking each side until crispy before flipping (3 minutes each side).  Serve each filet over a bed of veggies.


Who’s getting laid tonight?  You are!

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