PORTOBELLO BORDELLO

February 15, 2016

Turn any date into filthy hooker

Some food has the power to transform a good day into a great day. We’ve all experienced a meal so freaking amazing that we talk about it years, sometimes decades later. Don’t get me started on this penne eggplant bowl I enjoyed on Italy’s Amalfi Coast. Let’s just say I had to smoke cigarette after…and I don’t even smoke! But there are certain dishes that are not only memorable, but cause clothes to melt away like the Wicked Witch of the West. Whore. The Portobello Bordello is one of those dishes. It is not only loaded with APHRODISIACS, but an edible orgasm of flavor, texture and attitude. Be warned: those with heart problems may not be able to handle this mushroom dish’s pure unadulterated awesomeness. The rest of you should not fear stuffing the mushroom. Odds are there will be some serious stuffing to follow.

Total time: approximately 45 minutes
Projected cost: $16
Drinking Buddy: White wine or champagne

stuffed-portobello-prepIngredients:
1. 1 tablespoon of mayonnaise
2. ½ tablespoon of honey
3. 1 tablespoon of olive oil
4. ½ teaspoon of salt
5. ½ teaspoon of paprika
6. 1/3 cup of bread crumbs
7. 1 green onion chopped coarsely
8. ½ red bell pepper chopped coarsely
9. 6 ounces of lump crab meat
10. ½ a jalapeño chopped finely
11. 1 small handful of shredded Parmesan
12. ½ a lemon worth of juice
13. 2 large Portobello mushroom caps
14. 4 avocado slices (not pictured)

Step 1
Create the stuffing by mixing up the green onions, red bell pepper, lemon juice, jalapeño, crab meat, parmesan, bread crumbs, mayonnaise, honey, salt and paprika in a large mixing bowl.

stuffed-portobello-stuffing

Step 2
Wash the Portobello mushrooms then scrape away the black gills with a spoon and cut out the stem. This will allow more room for stuffing. Pour olive oil over the mushroom tops, then flip them over and place them in a small baking pan. Pour in half the stuffing into each cap and spread out evenly.

stuffed-portobello-prebake

Step 3
Preheat the oven to 375 degrees F. Throw in the baking pan full of stuffed mushrooms into the oven and bake until the stuffing browns (approx 35-40 minutes). Serve it up on top of a large leaf of lettuce. Garnish each cap with 2 avocado slices and serve it up knowing full well IT’S ON!

stuffed-portobello-bakestuffed-portobello-served-2

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LOVE ME (CHICKEN) TENDER

November 9, 2015
chicken-tenders-served

Love me tender, Love me baked, They'll never tell you no!

So it’s game day.  Are you ready for some football?  Damn straight!  Do you have your jersey?  Check!  Beer helmet? Mos def!  The case of brewskies?  You know it?  The appetizer your friend asked you to bring for their Super Bowl party?  Wait, what?  You do know that the game starts in an hour, right?  Oh, &$%#!  Before you go postal on us, just know COOK TO BANG has a solution for you.  This dish is simple enough for a syphilitic monkey to do and a guaranteed football crowd pleaser.  You will inspire greatness in everyone attending who will then sing your praises, followed by a chorus of Queen’s “We Are The Champions.” Now that you have your theme song backing you up, turn your attention to that single hottie across the room.  Walk right over, sit down next to them, and offer baked piece of heaven. Way to go, champ! Read the rest of this entry »


SAY WHAT? COCONUT SHRIMP

February 20, 2015

Hotel, motel, Holiday Inn. Say what? Cook To Bang at your pad would be WAY easier.

Some food makes you go “Yum!” Other food inspires “Yuk!” Every once in a while you’ll do a “Say what?” double take. This is the reaction you want when you Cook to Bang. Otherwise you’re wasting everybody’s time, especially your own. Make an impression or make love to yourself at the end of the date. The only way to inspire (nakedness) is to be inspired yourself. I approach each date with giddiness reserved for teenage girls who spot a vampire heartthrob brooding in his own special emo way. That way “Say what?” reaction to banging cuisine is quickly followed by, “The bedroom is this way.” Read the rest of this entry »