April 13, 2016
The tower of power!
Behold the fabled tower! It is said to control our ids. When it tells us to sacrifice a Chia Pet in its honor, we do it with a grateful smile. With clay and foliage scattered on the floor, dance over it with your arms stretched out to the glowing orange mash. Listen to it coo to you, “It’s okay. Go for it! Embrace the unknown. Give into your desires.” Perhaps you’re bewildered by the fact that a side dish is talking to you. Don’t over-think it. Believe what the creamy, dreamy yams tell you. They have your best interest at heart. And I’m not just saying this because I’m the high priest of the sweet potato sex cult. Kool-Aid, anyone?
Total time: approximately 50 minutes
Projected cost: $4
Drinking Buddy: CHASING GINGER TAIL
Ingredients (for 2):
1. 1 lb sweet potatoes
2. 2 dashes salt
3. 2 dashes black pepper
4. 1 dash paprika
5. 1/8 butter
6. 2 green onions chopped coarsely
7. 1 handful Parmesan
Step 1
Preheat the oven to 350°F/175°C. Throw in the sweet potatoes and roast until they become soft to the squeeze (approx 45min). Split them down the middle and scoop out the contents.
Step 2
Combine the sweet potatoes with the butter, salt, black pepper, paprika, green onions and Parmesan. Mash it all up with a fork and serve up on a plate to compliment a meaty ENTRÉE.
1 Comment | 
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Posted by cooktobang
March 16, 2016
Lick lick lick its so sick sick sick (as in good)!
Apply your whole tongue. Don’t be shy now. You want to start from the base and work that saliva up and down and all around the nub. You’re doing something right when there’s twitching and squirming. How else are you supposed to suck every bit of flavor our of a pot sticker soup? I’m all ears if you have a better idea. For now, we’ll just have to settle for overzealous tongue action that renders your company slaphappy and craving a cigarette even when they don’t smoke. This Thai inspired soup guide your taste organ to its happy ending.
Total time: approximately 10 minutes
Projected cost: $4
Drinking Buddy: Thai beer
Ingredients (serves 2):
1. 1 can Tom Yum Soup*
2. ½ can coconut milk*
3.1 handful green onions chopped
4. 1 handful cilantro chopped
5. 2 handfuls of frozen gyoza/pot-stickers*
6. 1 wedge lime (not pictured)
*available at Asian markets
Step 1
Boil the pot-stickers in the Tom Yum soup until they soften (approx 5 min). Use a spatula to break them up in bite-sized pieces.
Step 2
Pour in the coconut milk along with the green onions, cilantro and limejuice and simmer, stirring occasionally (approx 3 min).
Serve soup up in bowls with solo or a kick ass ENTRÉE.
Leave a Comment » | asian, fusion, healthy, HOT LIQUID LOVE, poultry, spicy, thai | Tagged: asian, bang, banging, broth, cigarette, cilantro, coconut milk, delicious, DIY, easy, food, frozen pot sticker, game changer, get laid, gourmet, green onion, guarantee, gyoza, happy ending, homemade, intercourse, kitchen, libido, lick her pot sticker soup, lime, naked, nub, pot sticker soup recipe, recipe, seduce, SEDUCTION, sex, soup, spicy, tasty, thai, thai soup recipe, Thailand, tom yum soup, tongue, yummy | Permalink
Posted by cooktobang
February 15, 2016
Some food has the power to transform a good day into a great day. We’ve all experienced a meal so freaking amazing that we talk about it years, sometimes decades later. Don’t get me started on this penne eggplant bowl I enjoyed on Italy’s Amalfi Coast. Let’s just say I had to smoke cigarette after…and I don’t even smoke! But there are certain dishes that are not only memorable, but cause clothes to melt away like the Wicked Witch of the West. Whore. The Portobello Bordello is one of those dishes. It is not only loaded with APHRODISIACS, but an edible orgasm of flavor, texture and attitude. Be warned: those with heart problems may not be able to handle this mushroom dish’s pure unadulterated awesomeness. The rest of you should not fear stuffing the mushroom. Odds are there will be some serious stuffing to follow.
Total time: approximately 45 minutes
Projected cost: $16
Drinking Buddy: White wine or champagne
Ingredients:
1. 1 tablespoon of mayonnaise
2. ½ tablespoon of honey
3. 1 tablespoon of olive oil
4. ½ teaspoon of salt
5. ½ teaspoon of paprika
6. 1/3 cup of bread crumbs
7. 1 green onion chopped coarsely
8. ½ red bell pepper chopped coarsely
9. 6 ounces of lump crab meat
10. ½ a jalapeño chopped finely
11. 1 small handful of shredded Parmesan
12. ½ a lemon worth of juice
13. 2 large Portobello mushroom caps
14. 4 avocado slices (not pictured)
Step 1
Create the stuffing by mixing up the green onions, red bell pepper, lemon juice, jalapeño, crab meat, parmesan, bread crumbs, mayonnaise, honey, salt and paprika in a large mixing bowl.
Step 2
Wash the Portobello mushrooms then scrape away the black gills with a spoon and cut out the stem. This will allow more room for stuffing. Pour olive oil over the mushroom tops, then flip them over and place them in a small baking pan. Pour in half the stuffing into each cap and spread out evenly.
Step 3
Preheat the oven to 375 degrees F. Throw in the baking pan full of stuffed mushrooms into the oven and bake until the stuffing browns (approx 35-40 minutes). Serve it up on top of a large leaf of lettuce. Garnish each cap with 2 avocado slices and serve it up knowing full well IT’S ON!
5 Comments | aphrodisiac, APHRODISIACS ANONYMOUS, IT’S ON!-TREES, RECIPES, seafood | Tagged: aphrodisiac, avocado, baked crab, bang, bread crumbs, crab, Crab stuffed Portobello mushroom recipe, delicious, dinner, easy, entree, game changer, get laid, gourmet, green onion, guarantee, honey, intercourse, jalapeño, kitchen, lemon, main course, mayonnaise, naked, olive oil, paprika, parmesan cheese, Portobello mushroom, recipe, red bell pepper, romance, romantic, salt, seafood, SEDUCTION, sex, stuffed Portobello mushrooms, tasty, yummy | Permalink
Posted by cooktobang
February 5, 2016
Slap on that codpiece and eat some goddamn cod!
I generally don’t recommend being bashful and covering up your naughty bits. But for some reason it has been deemed socially unacceptable to prance around naked in public. So when social decorum outweighs your exhibitionist tendencies, you need to figure out a classy way to cover up. Bring on the codpiece! Your most shocking parts will be hidden from view, yet you will leave everyone guessing what you could possibly be packing. And that’s just where you want to be. Apply this same hidden package of awesome theory to the meal you serve to your date. Nothing packs quite a flavor wallop like this black cod dish I made as an afterthought. The task at hand was preparing MISO HORNY COD that has been dropping panties since 2003. But I had leftover cod that required my swift attention lest these beautiful cuts of fish go the way of slap bracelets. So my date the following night was given a rarefied chance to try something new and totally untested. This dish is what follows and thank god for that! Lord knows she was thanking god in her own lascivious way. Read the rest of this entry »
2 Comments | aphrodisiac, APHRODISIACS ANONYMOUS, asian, fusion, healthy, IT’S ON!-TREES, Japanese, RECIPES, seafood, thai | Tagged: 2003, aphrodisiac, avocado, bang, banging, black cod, cilantro, Coconut cod-piece recipe, coconut mango cod recipe, coconut milk, codpiece, cover up, delicious, DIY, easy, exhibitionist, fish, food, game changer, get laid, god, gourmet, green onion, guarantee, hidden package, homemade, intercourse, kitchen, lascivious, libido, lime, macadamia nut, mango, naked, nude, olive oil, orange bell pepper, recipe, seafood, seduce, SEDUCTION, sex, soy sauce, tasty, yummy | Permalink
Posted by cooktobang
January 26, 2016
- Thai me up, Thai me down, Thai one on!
That’s right! You know how to do what you do so do it. Ooh ooh, baby, do it one more time. I can’t get enough of your tasty taste. It’s so exotic, so flavorful, so foreign to my white bread existence. Suddenly all the TV Dinner memories are evaporating into adventures in Thailand. I’m on a beach getting my hair braided. I’m in the jungle communing with shaman living in a tree house. I’m in Bangkok breaking all 10 Commandments. It’s all because you spice up my life. Keep it up. Now that I’ve tasted the East, these noodles will keep the memories alive at the very least. Read the rest of this entry »
1 Comment | asian, carboluscious, CARBS WORKIN’ THE CORNER, poultry, RECIPES, spicy, thai | Tagged: 10 commandments, asian, bang, Bangkok, Bangkok dangerous, beach, braided, broccoli, carbohydrates, carbs, chicken, cilantro, delicious, DIY, easy, fish sauce, food, game changer, get laid, gourmet, green onion, guarantee, happy ending, homemade, intercourse, kitchen, kwong hung seng sauce, mushroom, naked, noodles, oh baby!, oyster sauce, Pad see ew recipe, pad see ooh baby, recipe, rice noodles, seduce, sex, shaman, siam, simple pad see ew, spicy, stir fry, sweet, tasty, thai, Thailand, tree house, tv dinner, vegetable oil, yummy | Permalink
Posted by cooktobang
January 21, 2016
Stuff Me? Stuff You!
I’m sure someone has told you at some point in your life to “Get Stuffed” or something like that in one language or another. In essence they are telling you to get banged, which in some ways is a rather considerate suggestion. We all could do with a little more stuffing. Everyone would be a whole lot nicer without sexual frustration inspiring dickishness to the masses. It very well could be the solution to terrorism, the recession and what really happened to the dinosaurs. Attention Nobel Foundation: Please send the peace prize directly to my underground lab. In celebration, let’s stuffed some eggplant with our favorite meat and recognize that even in turbulent times, we still need to enjoy life. Cook To Bang, making the world a better-fed and sexier place. Read the rest of this entry »
1 Comment | aphrodisiac, APHRODISIACS ANONYMOUS, asian, Chinese, fusion, IT’S ON!-TREES, RECIPES | Tagged: aphrodisiac, asian, bake stirfry, bang, beef, bell pepper, cashew nuts, chicken, Chinese stirfry eggplant recipe, delicious, dinosaurs, easy, eggplant, fusion, game changer, garlic, get laid, get stuffed, gourmet, green onion, guarantee, intercourse, kitchen, naked, nobel prize, oyster sauce, peace, pork, recession, recipe, sex, sexual frustration, soy sauce, Stuffed eggplant recipe, tasty, terrorism, tofu, wok, yummy | Permalink
Posted by cooktobang
January 11, 2016
Dream a little obscene dream
I dream a little dream every day. My dreams do not consist of me running in a field of daffodils holding hands with my pure-as-virgin-snow fiancé. There is no discussion of curtain rods and where to hang the menacing portrait of her father in our bedroom so he can watch us “make grandchildren”. That is another man’s dream that I find boringly obscene. My dreams are of the social derelict variety. They are filled with morally questionable fluids that get all over the bed, walls and playtime companions’ faces. The soundtrack consists of gasps, moans, and cracks from my flat hand connecting with firm backsides. You could hook my brain up to your DVR and I’d single-handedly put Skinemax out of business. My lawyers are already in discussion with Time Warner, but it comes down how many private islands I will receive stocked with island girls…coming soon to a living room near you. Perverted as I am, I’m also a glutton in my dreams. And this Chinese style scallop recipe came out of one such decadent dream. Enjoy these nocturnal emissions on your plate! Read the rest of this entry »
3 Comments | aphrodisiac, APHRODISIACS ANONYMOUS, asian, Chinese, IT’S ON!-TREES, RECIPES, seafood, spicy | Tagged: aphrodisiac, asian, bang, banging, celery, china, Chinese, cinemax, citrus, delicious, DIY, easy, fiancé, food, game changer, gasps, get laid, ginger, glutton, gourmet, grandchildren, green onion, guarantee, homemade, intercourse, island girls, kitchen, libido, lime, moans, naked, nocturnal emissions, obscene tangerine dream scallops recipe, oyster sauce, recipe, red bell pepper, scallops, seafood, seduce, SEDUCTION, sex, shellfish, Skinemax, social derelict, soy sauce, spicy, Sriracha Hot CHILI Sauce, tangerine, tangerine scallops recipe, tasty, tivo, vegetable oil, virgin, vitamin c, yummy | Permalink
Posted by cooktobang
December 2, 2015
Poking around in the dark never tasted so good.
Aloha, hula girls! Kamana wanna laya. That is Hawaiian for, “Come over and I’ll make you dinner.” At least that’s what the tour guide tart said to me on a tropical rainforest walk. Being the unusual tourist with caustic wit is at least good for something. My lack of fanny-pack, Pearl Harbor commemorative t-shirt, and golf hat gave me away. Eager to get away from the family, and, do I really need a reason to jump into the car of an attractive stranger? This lickable local showed me the real Hawaii, including a real Hawaiian bar where my weak sauce knowledge of surfing lingo was mocked. Lucky for my fragile ego, she took me home after for the promised homemade meal. This babe had a badass blade and sliced up sashimi grade ahi tuna her friend caught that morning. I honestly can’t tell you what was better, the poke or the poking. Read the rest of this entry »
Leave a Comment » | aphrodisiac, APHRODISIACS ANONYMOUS, asian, FINGER FOOD FOREPLAY, fusion, Hawaiian, Japanese, RECIPES | Tagged: ahi tuna, ahi tuna poke recipe, aphrodisiac, appetizer, bang, banging, commemorative t-shirt, crushed red pepper, delicious, DIY, easy, fanny-pack, fingerfood foreplay, food, fragile ego, fusion, game changer, get laid, gourmet, green onion, guarantee, Hawaii, Hawaiian, healthy, honey, intercourse, Japanese, kamana wanna laya, kitchen, libido, lickable, local, marinate, naked, oahu, pearl harbor, poking some poke, raw, recipe, refrigerate, sashimi grade, seafood, seduce, SEDUCTION, sesame oil, sesame seeds, sex, soy sauce, sushi homemade, sushi-grade, tasty, yummy | Permalink
Posted by cooktobang
October 14, 2015
This breakfast is like so spiritual and full of heady karma, man.
The dirty longhairs have taken over breakfast! At least one that I picked up at a summer concert did. Mind you, she was a hot young not-yet-jaded hippie, but a hippie all the same. The previous night she proved herself to be a carnivore repeatedly stuffing a certain meat into her mouth. But come morning when the alcohol and whatever mind-alerting bohemian substance she may have been on wore off, the self-righteous hippie returned. There I was casually frying up bacon when she started lecturing me all about how the poor little piggies suffered. But this hippie-crite hottie was more than happy to eat eggs, neglecting to bemoan the miserable conditions of egg-laying hens. So I assembled the veggies in my fridge and did my best to improvise. This aphrodisiac triple-threat turned out pretty damn good for a meal on the fly. Good enough for me to bang her again before I inadvertently pissed her off when she saw the sign in my bathroom that reads: HIPPIES USE SIDE DOOR (no exceptions!). That saved me the trouble of announcing I was going seal clubbing that afternoon so she would leave. Read the rest of this entry »
1 Comment | RECIPES | Tagged: aphrodisiac, asparagus, avocado, bacon, bang, banging, basil, black pepper, bohemian, breakfast, carnivore, delicious, DIY, easy, egg, egg mchippie, egg-laying hens, English muffin, food, game changer, get laid, gourmet, green onion, guarantee, hippies use side door, homemade, intercourse, jaded, kitchen, libido, long hair, morning, naked, piggies, poach, recipe, salt, seal clubbing, seduce, SEDUCTION, self-righteous, sex, summer concert, tasty, toast, tomato, vegetarian, veggie egg sandwich, yummy | Permalink
Posted by cooktobang
October 5, 2015
Dont be a prick-ly pear.
All earthly creatures do it in their own way. Giraffes do it standing up, their long necks intertwined. Male spider monkeys will grab their female partner mid-air, hump them, and release before they even hit the ground. Humans have all kinds of mating rituals from courting over food, to bringing in toys to “bring the spark back”, to discussing the relationship ad nausea post-coital. And within the human genus, we have countless subsets of this behavior. We are an odd species to be sure. Aliens who enslave us two decades from now will be hard-pressed to figure out how to get us to toil away on the Vectarion reactors. I’ll make it simple for them: give us food and let us bang. We’ll take it from there, Remulox. Read the rest of this entry »
Leave a Comment » | aphrodisiac, APHRODISIACS ANONYMOUS, condom-ment, fusion, healthy, mexican, RECIPES, spicy, vegan, vegetarian | Tagged: alien conquerors, aliens, bang, banging, blend, cactus, cilantro, condiment, condom-ments, delicious, discussing the relationship, DIY, easy, food, fusion, game changer, garlic, get laid, giraffe, gourmet, green onion, guarantee, homemade, human genus, intercourse, jalapeños, kitchen, libido, lime, mating rituals, mexican, mexico, naked, nopales, post-coital, prickly pear, recipe, remulox, salsa, sea salt, seduce, SEDUCTION, sex, sex toys, sexual practice, sexual practice cactus salsa, spicy, spider monkeys, tasty, vectarion reactor, vegan, vegetarian, yummy | Permalink
Posted by cooktobang
Total time: approximately 50 minutes
Cook To Bang - Recipes To Get You Laid 