April 13, 2016
The tower of power!
Behold the fabled tower! It is said to control our ids. When it tells us to sacrifice a Chia Pet in its honor, we do it with a grateful smile. With clay and foliage scattered on the floor, dance over it with your arms stretched out to the glowing orange mash. Listen to it coo to you, “It’s okay. Go for it! Embrace the unknown. Give into your desires.” Perhaps you’re bewildered by the fact that a side dish is talking to you. Don’t over-think it. Believe what the creamy, dreamy yams tell you. They have your best interest at heart. And I’m not just saying this because I’m the high priest of the sweet potato sex cult. Kool-Aid, anyone?
Total time: approximately 50 minutes
Projected cost: $4
Drinking Buddy: CHASING GINGER TAIL
Ingredients (for 2):
1. 1 lb sweet potatoes
2. 2 dashes salt
3. 2 dashes black pepper
4. 1 dash paprika
5. 1/8 butter
6. 2 green onions chopped coarsely
7. 1 handful Parmesan
Preheat the oven to 350°F/175°C. Throw in the sweet potatoes and roast until they become soft to the squeeze (approx 45min). Split them down the middle and scoop out the contents.
Combine the sweet potatoes with the butter, salt, black pepper, paprika, green onions and Parmesan. Mash it all up with a fork and serve up on a plate to compliment a meaty ENTRÉE.
March 16, 2016
Lick lick lick its so sick sick sick (as in good)!
Apply your whole tongue. Don’t be shy now. You want to start from the base and work that saliva up and down and all around the nub. You’re doing something right when there’s twitching and squirming. How else are you supposed to suck every bit of flavor our of a pot sticker soup? I’m all ears if you have a better idea. For now, we’ll just have to settle for overzealous tongue action that renders your company slaphappy and craving a cigarette even when they don’t smoke. This Thai inspired soup guide your taste organ to its happy ending.
Total time: approximately 10 minutes
Projected cost: $4
Drinking Buddy: Thai beer
Ingredients (serves 2):
1. 1 can Tom Yum Soup*
2. ½ can coconut milk*
3.1 handful green onions chopped
4. 1 handful cilantro chopped
5. 2 handfuls of frozen gyoza/pot-stickers*
6. 1 wedge lime (not pictured)
*available at Asian markets
Boil the pot-stickers in the Tom Yum soup until they soften (approx 5 min). Use a spatula to break them up in bite-sized pieces.
Pour in the coconut milk along with the green onions, cilantro and limejuice and simmer, stirring occasionally (approx 3 min).
Serve soup up in bowls with solo or a kick ass ENTRÉE.
February 5, 2016
Slap on that codpiece and eat some goddamn cod!
I generally don’t recommend being bashful and covering up your naughty bits. But for some reason it has been deemed socially unacceptable to prance around naked in public. So when social decorum outweighs your exhibitionist tendencies, you need to figure out a classy way to cover up. Bring on the codpiece! Your most shocking parts will be hidden from view, yet you will leave everyone guessing what you could possibly be packing. And that’s just where you want to be. Apply this same hidden package of awesome theory to the meal you serve to your date. Nothing packs quite a flavor wallop like this black cod dish I made as an afterthought. The task at hand was preparing MISO HORNY COD that has been dropping panties since 2003. But I had leftover cod that required my swift attention lest these beautiful cuts of fish go the way of slap bracelets. So my date the following night was given a rarefied chance to try something new and totally untested. This dish is what follows and thank god for that! Lord knows she was thanking god in her own lascivious way. Read the rest of this entry »
January 26, 2016
- Thai me up, Thai me down, Thai one on!
That’s right! You know how to do what you do so do it. Ooh ooh, baby, do it one more time. I can’t get enough of your tasty taste. It’s so exotic, so flavorful, so foreign to my white bread existence. Suddenly all the TV Dinner memories are evaporating into adventures in Thailand. I’m on a beach getting my hair braided. I’m in the jungle communing with shaman living in a tree house. I’m in Bangkok breaking all 10 Commandments. It’s all because you spice up my life. Keep it up. Now that I’ve tasted the East, these noodles will keep the memories alive at the very least. Read the rest of this entry »
January 21, 2016
Stuff Me? Stuff You!
I’m sure someone has told you at some point in your life to “Get Stuffed” or something like that in one language or another. In essence they are telling you to get banged, which in some ways is a rather considerate suggestion. We all could do with a little more stuffing. Everyone would be a whole lot nicer without sexual frustration inspiring dickishness to the masses. It very well could be the solution to terrorism, the recession and what really happened to the dinosaurs. Attention Nobel Foundation: Please send the peace prize directly to my underground lab. In celebration, let’s stuffed some eggplant with our favorite meat and recognize that even in turbulent times, we still need to enjoy life. Cook To Bang, making the world a better-fed and sexier place. Read the rest of this entry »
December 2, 2015
Poking around in the dark never tasted so good.
Aloha, hula girls! Kamana wanna laya. That is Hawaiian for, “Come over and I’ll make you dinner.” At least that’s what the tour guide tart said to me on a tropical rainforest walk. Being the unusual tourist with caustic wit is at least good for something. My lack of fanny-pack, Pearl Harbor commemorative t-shirt, and golf hat gave me away. Eager to get away from the family, and, do I really need a reason to jump into the car of an attractive stranger? This lickable local showed me the real Hawaii, including a real Hawaiian bar where my weak sauce knowledge of surfing lingo was mocked. Lucky for my fragile ego, she took me home after for the promised homemade meal. This babe had a badass blade and sliced up sashimi grade ahi tuna her friend caught that morning. I honestly can’t tell you what was better, the poke or the poking. Read the rest of this entry »
October 5, 2015
Dont be a prick-ly pear.
All earthly creatures do it in their own way. Giraffes do it standing up, their long necks intertwined. Male spider monkeys will grab their female partner mid-air, hump them, and release before they even hit the ground. Humans have all kinds of mating rituals from courting over food, to bringing in toys to “bring the spark back”, to discussing the relationship ad nausea post-coital. And within the human genus, we have countless subsets of this behavior. We are an odd species to be sure. Aliens who enslave us two decades from now will be hard-pressed to figure out how to get us to toil away on the Vectarion reactors. I’ll make it simple for them: give us food and let us bang. We’ll take it from there, Remulox. Read the rest of this entry »