CHICKEN LETTUCE D-CUPS

March 21, 2016
Your D-cups fill out nicely!

Your D-cups fill out nicely!

This dish is stacked!  I mean the cups are full and voluptuous.  Ain’t no flat-chested FINGER FOOD here. No need for implants to help these fill out. The chicken breasts are supple and pouting, not to mention double-D-licious!  I have enjoyed this dish many times in the company of dates at fine Chinese restaurant and not so fine ones that rhyme with PF WANGS.  But only when I made it at home did I realize how simple, tasty, and awesome this dish can be.  Blow you date away with some familiar, but so much better since you made it with your own two hands.  Take a hold of those lettuce D-Cups, caress, fondle and then let your mouth get to work.

chicken lettuce d-cups prepTotal time: approximately 25 minutes
Projected cost: $8
Drinking Buddy: Beer or CHASING GINGER TAIL

Ingredients (for 2):
1. Plum or hoisin sauce (at your discretion)
2. 1 tbsp soy sauce
3. 1 tbsp vegetable oil
4. 1 tsp oyster sauce
5. 1 small lettuce head
6. 2 chicken breasts
7. 3 mushrooms sliced thinly
8. 2 green onions chopped coarsely
9. 2 garlic cloves sliced thinly
10. 1 handful chopped peanuts

Step 1
Mince the chicken finely with your sharpest knife.  Marinate it in the soy sauce and oyster sauce (approx 15 min).
chicken lettuce d-cups marinate
Step 2
Sauté the garlic, green onions and mushrooms with vegetable oil until they soften (approx 3 min).  Throw in the chicken and the nuts and cook through (approx 4 min).
chicken lettuce d-cups saute
Step 3
Fill up the lettuce cups with the goods.  Add a teaspoon or so of the plum or hoisin sauce to each cup and then add a healthy scoop of the minced chicken filling.
chicken lettuce d-cups fill
Serve them up on a platter to share with the spirit of camaraderie and banging on your mind.
chicken lettuce d-cups served

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CASHEW MONEY CHICKEN

January 9, 2016

Grass, Ass, or Cash-ews

Cash money makes our world go around. It’s the international language of “fuck you, I’m rich!” Here at Cook To Bang we like commerce as much as the next perverted food blog. But the whole spirit of CTB comes from the desire to take money out of the dating equation. Food is the great equalizer. Everyone needs to eat. Almost everyone wants to bang. You don’t have to bang your lover on 1000 gold thread count sheets. A sleeping bag over a La-Z-Boy could be just as much fun and certainly more of an athletic feat. Everyone wins when you Cook To Bang. And this CTB take on a classic Chinese dish will win you much props and improper propositions.

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LOVE ME (CHICKEN) TENDER

November 9, 2015
chicken-tenders-served

Love me tender, Love me baked, They'll never tell you no!

So it’s game day.  Are you ready for some football?  Damn straight!  Do you have your jersey?  Check!  Beer helmet? Mos def!  The case of brewskies?  You know it?  The appetizer your friend asked you to bring for their Super Bowl party?  Wait, what?  You do know that the game starts in an hour, right?  Oh, &$%#!  Before you go postal on us, just know COOK TO BANG has a solution for you.  This dish is simple enough for a syphilitic monkey to do and a guaranteed football crowd pleaser.  You will inspire greatness in everyone attending who will then sing your praises, followed by a chorus of Queen’s “We Are The Champions.” Now that you have your theme song backing you up, turn your attention to that single hottie across the room.  Walk right over, sit down next to them, and offer baked piece of heaven. Way to go, champ! Read the rest of this entry »


CHICKEN OUT YOUR (BEER) CANS

June 26, 2015
Beer Can Chicken got a whole lot easier.

Beer Can Chicken got a whole lot easier.

Behold: simplified beer can chicken for 2.  Sure you could go the badass route of stuffing a whole chicken with a leaking beer can, but that is both labor intensive and way too much food.  This little ditty is perfect for a summer evening date outdoors.  The object is to stay outside for the course of the evening.  That means banging under the stars. Make like your primitive ancestors who never heard of the concept of shame or waiting until marriage.  For those hairy bastards it was all banging all the time.  Use the beer marinade as an excuse for your barbaric behavior.  “It was the booze flavored meat that made me strip down to a fur loincloth, club you and drag you by the hair into my cave!” Read the rest of this entry »


GET STUFFED & BUST-A-NUT SQUASH

January 12, 2010

Stuff with care

This main dish is meant for your main squeeze. Don’t prepare this outstanding entrée for one of your breezies on the side. The effort and effect are not worth it unless you want them to get hooked on you. It goes back to the essence of the Cook To Bang philosophy. Eat amazing food; have amazing sex. This hearty dish is perfect for a winter evening in. Why would you go out when you have the two essentials for a perfect night of carnal lust and consumption? At least that’s what I discovered when I laid this culinary mack down on a girl I’m seeing. She hasn’t stopped calling, texting, sexting, and facebooking since. Homegirl is officially addicted…to me. Ever since, I’ve been getting stuffed and busting nuts all over the place. Use this dish cautiously, unless you are eager to build your own harem.

Total time: approximately 45 minutes
Projected cost: $9
Drinking Buddy: Red red wine

Ingredients (Serves 2):
1. 3 tbsp olive oil
2. 1 dash CAYENNE PEPPER
3. 1 butternut squash
4. 2 dashes black pepper
5. 3 dashes sea salt
6. 2 GREENSBURY MARKET organic chicken breasts
7. 1 pear
8. 2 large carrots
9. 2 green onions chopped coarsely
10. 1 lime wedge

Step 1
Preheat your oven to 350∞F/175∞C. Slice the squash lengthwise and scoop out the guts, leaving a nice cavity. Rub olive oil into each half, and then salt and pepper them and roast until the squash meat is soft (approx 30 min).

Step 2
While the squash roasts, cube the chicken and marinate in limejuice, cayenne pepper, and sea salt (approx 10 min).

Step 3
Peel the carrots and chop into bite-sized pieces. Slice the pears thinly. SautÈ the carrots and pears until they soften (approx 5 min). Add the chicken and sautÈ thoroughly.

Step 4
Finally scoop the sautÈed chicken and veggies into the cavities of the squash (once soft) and throw back in the oven and roast until it’s all heated through (approx 5 min). Crown each with green onions and serve.

This ENTRÉE kills it on it’s own, but a simple SALAD could shoot your date’s lust into the stratosphere.

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HOT LIKE A CHEETAH FAJITA SINWICH

December 21, 2009

Run like a cheetah to tap that booty

There are some people out there too fine for their own good.  You know the type I’m talking about.  It’s as if they are cursed to roam the earth surrounded by an unsightly subspecies, the rest of us. That’s how I feel every time I’m around someone so stunning, I wonder if perhaps my sins were not too great to exclude me from a heaven membership. Fat chance of that.  The beta person would not dare try to engage the near-mythical sexual creature for fear of abject humiliation.  But I always take the “fake it ‘til you make it” approach, which sometimes pays back in decadent dividends.  When you do step up to the plate, be ready to knock it out of the park by having a plan. I’m cocky about my cooking skills. So with swagger and spitfire I invite the sexier-than-thou and let them know not coming to my place for some grub will be their loss.  No cheetah will deny the rarefied opportunity to sample your fajita sandwich.

Total time: approximately 25 minutes

Projected cost: $6

Drinking Buddy:BANGARITA

Ingredients (serves 2):

1. Mayonnaise to taste

2. 1 tbsp CALIVIRGIN olive oil

3. 4 dashes fajita seasoning

4. 2 sandwich rolls

5. 2 GREENSBURY MARKET organic chicken breasts

6. 1 onion sliced in long strips

7. 1 red bell pepper sliced in long strips

8. 1 lime wedge

9. 1 small handful cilantro chopped coarsely

10. 1/2 AVOCADO sliced thinly

11. 1 tomato sliced thinly.

Step 1

Slice the chicken breasts into long thin strips and marinate in limejuice and 1/2 the fajita

seasoning (approx 15 min).

Step 2

Sauté the onion, bell pepper and cilantro in olive oil until they soften (approx 4 min).  Create room in the pan and sauté the chicken next to but separate from the veggies (approx 3 min).

Step 3

Assemble the sandwich.  First split the rolls down the top, and then spread mayo as needed.  Stuff each roll with veggies, chicken, tomato and avocado.

Serve this gringo twist on a Mexican classic with a some GARLICKABLE FRIES.


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TICKLE MY WALNUTS CHICKEN

June 16, 2009
tickle my walnuts chicken served

Tickle tickle, don't be fickle fickle.

Ooh, baby!  You know how I like it!  A gentle tickle while I my groove gets on and on and on.  It’s the little things in life that give us the most pleasure.  I don’t need no plasma screen, limousine, nor sports team.  All I need is your soft touch on my most special of areas.  Not too gentle, not too rough.  That’s it. That’s exactly how we approach this simple chicken ENTRÉE.  A few extra steps result make the classic baked chicken into a magnum opus of flavorful pleasure.  Sure we could get our panties in a bunch making something uber-gourmet multi-step dish.  But sometimes simple and succulent is sexy.  So what are you waiting for?  These walnuts aren’t going to tickle themselves!

tickle my walnuts chicken prepTotal time: approximately 35 minutes
Projected cost: $7
Drinking Buddy: White wine

Ingredients (serves 2):
1. 1 small handful of fresh BASIL
2. 1 handful of crushed walnuts
3. 1 tsp of paprika
4. 2 chicken breasts
5. ½ a lemon
6. 1 egg

Step 1
Preheat oven to 350 degrees F.  Marinate the chicken breasts in lemon juice and paprika (approx 15 min).  Whisk an egg in one bowl and combine chopped up basil and walnuts in another bowl.
tickle my walnuts chicken prepared
Step 2
Dip each marinated chicken breast in the whisked egg and then dip both sides into the walnut mixture.  Place the chicken in a greased baking pan. Cover the chicken tops with the remaining walnuts.  Pour the remaining egg over it and bake until the chicken cooks through and the walnuts form a crust (approx 30 min).
tickle my walnuts chicken dip bake
Serve up on a bed of spinach or your favorite CARBOLUSCIOUS side dish.
tickle my walnuts chicken served 2

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