GRILLED SEXTARINES

June 12, 2015
Grilled Nectarines reign supreme in the BBQ scene.

Grilled Nectarines reign supreme in the BBQ scene.

This is as close as you can get to grilling up sex appeal. Most grilling consists of men cooking meat for the pleasure of other men. That’s not gay. Right? But this little side dish/DESSERT breaks all the machismo boundaries and labels associated with backyard barbecues. You have the fire for the cavemen, the fruity fun for the ladies, and the sweetness for the kid in all of us. Plus these nectarines are so simple to make that you could develop quantum physic formulas simultaneously. You are running out of excuses not to make these sweet satisfactions for someone your sweet on. Best get down to the produce aisle then. Read the rest of this entry »


SPANK MY HALIBUT

June 5, 2015
Alaskan halibut is sexier than Sarah Palin marinaded in contradiction

Alaskan halibut is sexier than Sarah Palin marinaded in contradiction

Welcome to the big time, my friends.  This dish is intended for someone rather special because halibut ain’t cheap and it takes a while to prepare.  But you can’t put a price on edible orgasms, at least not legally outside of Amsterdam.  Your date will be so impressed by this outstanding piece of seafood that you will need a crowbar to pry them off of you.  If they are not thoroughly blown away by your cooking prowess than they are most likely a cyborg from the future sent to kill you before you sire the rebel leader a la John Connor.  This is actually a great litmus test that could very well save humanity.  But I digress.  The point is this dish will set your date’s mouth and loins ablaze with passion.  The first time I prepared this dish, I received countless e-mails from my date’s friends who I did not know asking me for the recipe. Only a fool would simply hand over a recipe (case in point).  Instead I offered the cute ones private tutorials.  To the Alaskan halibut fisherman, I owe you a beer or ten! Read the rest of this entry »


GRILLIN’ LIKE A VILLAIN

May 25, 2015
“Man love fire.  Man love meat. Man love Cook to Bang.”

“Man love fire. Man love meat. Man love Cook to Bang.”

The summer is upon us.  The snow and ice has melted. So has the clothing of your tempting targets.  Quit your bellyaching about cold streaks and grill up some hot steaks.  No more hibernating!  Put away the parkas and pull out your favorite fur loincloth. Dust off the BBQ and start grilling.  Calling all caveman!

Tap into your primitive side. You don’t need to bother with three-course meals. The smell of fire charring meat should suffice.  Grrrrrr!  Make like you’re strangling a Velociraptor and make some dino-kebabs.  Effort should be minimal so long as you pull it off with panache. Cooking to Bang in the summertime has never been more basic.

So visit the butcher, your fish monger, your hippie veggie/weed dealer.  Grab the goods and get with the grillin’.  A little charcoal, some lighter fluid and you got fire.  Try some of this fuego-fueled fare on for size, you caveman you! Read the rest of this entry »


BANGING SAFARI CALAMARI TACOS

July 18, 2014
Come on a banging safari with me!

Come on a banging safari with me!

The Beach Boys sang about surfing safaris.  They’d travel the world surfing and singing their little hearts out.  Not a bad idea, except substitute banging for surfing, and singing for grilling.  Now we’re talking about a trip to remember.  We can squeeze in some waves and singing while in the final throes of banging.  But it’s all about beach time fun time all the time.  You don’t have time to waste in the water when you have hot tanning bodies waiting for you to invite them to chill out while you grill out.  Use the surfboard as a prop and hint that you just won a lifetime supply of sunscreen.  Offer to rub some of your grand prize onto their shoulders and lure them over to your beach shack.  Demonstrate your skills out of the water and grill them up some crazy easy, low-calorie tacos that won’t harm their swimsuit bod.  Now comes the easy part of the safari. Read the rest of this entry »


THEIR LOSS GRILLED SQUASH

June 26, 2013
Rejection is merely a learning opportunity so you can pull hotter ass later.

Rejection is merely a learning opportunity so you can pull hotter ass later.

The way I look at it, anyone foolish enough to turn me down for sex is only punishing themselves.  They will spend the rest of their lives wondering “what if?” while hearing field reports from their friends and family members how amazing I am in the kitchen and sack.  No hard feelings on my end.  Their loss is another girl’s gain. I (you) will bang plenty of strange over the course of my (your) cooking and banging career.  Instead of kicking a can down the street in humiliation, I laugh off rejection and learn from my mistakes.  Perhaps I was too pushy, not pushy enough, wasn’t wearing nice enough shoes, or perhaps my devastating good looks and devilish charm brought our their insecurities.  Whatever the case may be, I adjust my approach as needed for the next date who understands how idiotic turning me down would be. The same rules apply with these squash I picked up from the farmer market along with a girl shopping for fresh berries.  We combined our wares in more ways than one.  Neither of lost because we seized the goddamn day! Read the rest of this entry »


GROIN GRABBING GRILLED VEGGIES

November 17, 2008
Grab me, grill me, kill me...with grilled veggies

Grab me, grill me, kill me...with grilled veggies

Long before humans had microwave ovens and George Forman grills, we had fire: beautiful, enchanting, burning fire.  Vegetables grilled on an open flame make them fun again.  Why boil these bounties of the earth when you can bring the flavor out with fire and chutzpah?  And your date will no doubt be impressed by your mastery of the elements.  Short of a picky vegan, anybody can eat this fine dish and only a cold-hearted monster could say it sucks.  Your bland backyard barbecue has suddenly been legitimized, thus making you the savior, sort of like Jesus, but tastier.  Be sure to mention that to your conservative date who hasn’t removed their chastity belt yet.  Blaspheme and grilled veggies are sure to win them over.  If that doesn’t work, just use reverse psychology asking What Would Jesus Not Do?  Amen.

grilled-veggies-prepIngredients (for 2):
1. 1 tablespoon of olive oil
2. 2 tablespoons of balsamic vinegar
3. 1 red bell pepper sliced into long thin strips
4. 1 small eggplant cut into large bite size chunks
5. 1 large portabella mushrooms sliced into long thin strips
6. 1 onion sliced into long thin strips
7. 2 tablespoons of goat cheese

Step 1
Place all the chopped veggies into tin foil and pour olive oil over them.  Cover the oil-doused veggies with a top tinfoil layer and place in the grill on medium heat.  Cook in foil until the veggies soften, then put them directly on the fire until they char slightly.
grilled-veggies-oil-foil
Step 2
Remove the veggies from the grill.  Place them in a pan and drop the goat cheese on top.  Pour the balsamic vinegar over the veggies/goat cheese and mix up thoroughly.  Serve on a plate with your main course, a grilled halibut or turkey burger perhaps.  Just know in your heart that you are a culinary super star and the evening should progress nicely.
grilled-veggies-goat-cheese-balsamic

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