PIMP MY SHRIMP TACOS

September 21, 2015

Shrimping and pimping and bed sheet crimping

It’s time to apply the philosophy of MTV’s Pimp My Ride to your dinner.  Say you have a taco recipe that is so-so.  Your tacos will feed hungry people, but chances are no one you’ve served them to have torn off their clothes to show their appreciation.  That is a damn shame Cook To Bang will rectify.  We’re taking a simple taco recipe, supping it up with aphrodisiac-laden flavor, and letting that shit ride across your plates then down your gullets faster than you can say, “I’ll get some protection.”  I learned a similar recipe while acting a fool in Baja California chasing senoritas while downing margaritas.  These tacos sure made my beach side dalliances more enjoyable. I smuggled the recipe across the border along with some fireworks and KABOOM! Pleasant pimpin’. Read the rest of this entry »


SQUASH KE-BANGS

September 11, 2015
She Bangs, He Bangs, Ke-Bangs!

She Bangs, He Bangs, Ke-Bangs!

Let’s be honest here.  You wouldn’t be reading this if you didn’t like banging.  Right?  If you thought this site was for carpentry where you learn how to bang hammer to nail…forgive me my trespassing.  I am nothing like Jesus the carpenter or Son of God, unless you count the ripped abs from all that stretching on the crucifix.  But I do offer you recipes reserved for the gods so in some ways you aren’t totally off.  Here we have classic middle-eastern nosh that Jesus may have sampled during one of his hangouts with his twelve adoring homies AKA apostles.  Kebabs are simple and perfect for those waning days of summer.  Grill, broil it, munch it.  Each bite brings you closer to God.  Amen to that! Read the rest of this entry »


GRILL BEN DOVER’S SOLE

September 4, 2015

Order in the court!  Allow me to retort...

Order in the court! Allow me to retort...

That Ben Dover better bend over for what he’s done.  Corporal punishment is the only fitting penance for the food slurs he committed.  He tarnished his soul with this Dover sole.  The bastard though that he could make a fish marinade out of blueberries, New Mexico chilies and coconut milk.  Ha!  How could a strange commingling of flavors like that taste anything but weird?  Clearly he must know the consequences of his reckless cooking.  Granted, I haven’t tasted his culinary cancer, but it has to be awful.  Right?  Fine, if you insist I don’t try him in the kangaroo court I call my garage, I will try a bite.  <takes bite, chews> You see!  It’s guilt…glorious!  <touching self> The delicate blueberry taste dances with the New Mexico chili wolves and cools down with a river of soothing coconut milk.  <does cartwheel> I hereby dismiss this case.   Ben Dover deserves a commendation for his culinary bravery.  Ladies of the court, please try a bite of this food pioneer’s masterpiece and meet me in the judge’s chambers! Read the rest of this entry »


CHILLIN’ GRILLIN’ ILLIN’ SALAD

August 31, 2015
You're just grillin', like Bob Dylan!

You're just grillin', like Bob Dylan!

This grilled chicken salad has all the fixings that will help you get that fix.  Been hard up for some attention of the leisurely kind?  Fret no more that you will die celibate and alone in a shack made of cow dung deep in the wilderness.  This salad should help you get back on your feet and banging once more.  Just step back and allow the grilled chicken to open up the flavor in this uber-healthy salad.  You can lure whichever conquest you have your heart set on with promised of a high protein, low calorie waltz on their tongue.  It’s an easy dish to play off like you threw it together without so much as a second thought.  You can leave the impression that this is how you always eat because you are that awesome and nonchalant.  Now you’ll have plenty of time to wow the shit out of your date with other impressive qualities like the ability to read palms, take out flies with a blowgun, and give someone an orgasm from across the room.  Go and get them…at your leisure. Read the rest of this entry »


GRILLED THRILLS BROCCOLI

July 17, 2015

The broc shall defrock!

This recipe comes courtesy of James in Portland, OR. Here’s to starting off the summer right with a unique summer grill recipe! James writes:

Something about those summer thrills gives me the chills. Sure you’re sweating your balls off and stuffing your face with something hot. But this recipe is so damn cool it makes you feel all refreshed because it’s still healthy and damn tasty! My mama always told me broccoli would make me live forever. Who know if that is true? One thing I can say with certainty, I’m gonna Cook To Bang forever! Read the rest of this entry »


TURN YOU OUT TURKEY BURGER

July 4, 2015
Turkey turns me on, then turns me out.  Yeow!

Turkey turns ’em on, then turns ’em out. Yeow!

Hamburgers are not normally considered sexy, but they are a damn tasty staple of the American diet.  Turkey meat however is leaner, meaner and greener.   The protein does you right plus there’s less fat and twice the flavor when cooked right.  My thanks go out to the Native Americans for turning the Pilgrims onto this precious bird (sorry about taking your land and all).  The fire charring the meat empowers the caveman in every male chef.  The lady chef or date can enjoy this tasty piece of the American dream and not worry about the dish going straight to her thighs. When you bit into the center and find the goat cheese goodness, a choir of angels with trumpets shall inspire a tryst of the kinkiest order.  I tried a similar dish at a bourgeois New York restaurant priced somewhere upwards of $25.  The bill hurt my wallet, but my palette was well satisfied and my brain full of inspiration.  This summertime dish always leads to good times and enough erotic memories to last me through winter. Read the rest of this entry »


RED WHITE AND BEETS

July 3, 2015

American produce, love it or grill it!

America, fuck yeah! Can you feel the patriotism emanating off the computer screen and making your heart beet to the Star Spangled Banner. Even if you aren’t a tea-partying real patriot, you gotta love your country right about now. And if you don’t, God shall smite thee with ten billion pounds of fireworks. In all seriousness folks, I’m not denigrating diversity. But I will be drinking heavily, grilling gleefully, and fornicating under a gun-powdered scented sky. Here’s to a healthy holiday full of American excess. Another beet from the grill? Read the rest of this entry »