Rule #1 of gaming is to never be too eager. Desperation is herpes to your prospects. Why rush the inevitable by being a needy little bitch? The best seductions simmer to the point you can’t resist taking a nibble. Serve it up too soon and you will barely enjoy the undercooked, underwhelming sensations to follow. Don’t repeat my tragic blunders by rushing the vibe when it ain’t solid. The only thing you’ll have is a shiny new pair of blue balls. Granted there are certain opportunities to pounce on post haste. These are fun, but fleeting. When it comes creating something exceptional, a little restraint never hurt nobody no how. I’m not suggesting pussing out entirely like some chump. Just know when to hold ‘em; know when to fold ‘em; and know when to bang ‘em. Now savor every last morsel of their curry, champ! Read the rest of this entry »
NEVER HURRY THEIR CURRYSeptember 9, 2015
GINGERBANGER TEAFebruary 16, 2010
We all get sick sometimes. Odds are that if you’re reading this, you are sick in the head. Welcome to the club. But the sick I speak of is where your body has broken down from your hedonist existence and let in something yucky. Time to take care of yourself so you can return to being a culinary Casanova. Whether you are taking care of yourself, or that hot number you’ve been banging, this tea will nurse you back to health with nutrients galore. The fact that it’s aphrodisiac-laden and delicious will only aid your quest. Sometimes you just need to bang away the nasty. Here’s to your health, you sicko!
Total time: approximately 15 minutes
Projected cost: $3
Eating Buddy: Fresh fruit
Ingredients (Serves 2):
1. 1 tbsp HONEY
2. 1 handful fresh chopped GINGER
3. 1 lemon quartered
4. 1 handful fresh mint leaves
5. 2 splashes brandy (optional, not pictured)
Fill up a pot with 3 cups of water. Throw in the ginger, lemon, and half the mint leaves. Bring to a roaring boil, then lower the heat, and simmer until the flavor absorbs (approx 10 min).
Pour the tea through a strainer into your cups of choice. Add the honey, mint leaves, and brand if you so desire and mix up.
SPANKING SPANISH RICEJanuary 9, 2009
Barcelona in the later summer is a guaranteed whirlwind for the weary traveler with a backpack. Flamenco guitars serenade beauties in the balconies above and capture the heart of even the biggest hater. I remember one thing with absolute clarity: the quality of the food and women are top notch. Black designer mini dresses flapping behind Vespas. Plates piled high with raw shellfish and overflowing bowls of the best rice I had ever tasted. One night after a sangria or three and a plate full of OYSTERS, I found myself being led to a discotequa by a Nigerian Dr. Dre wannabe I befriended at a coffee shop. My evening soundtrack became hip hop beats to Catalan** lyrics. I don’t speak a word. My 3rd grade level Spanish was all I had to flirt with a Barcelona pure-bred hottie. She awarded me an A for effort and danced with me out in a plaza off Las Ramblas. We were good to go back to my place until she found out I was at a hostel sharing a room with three strangers. She vanished into the nearest cab leaving me bummed out with blue balls. So I cheered myself up with a perfect consolation prize: a plate of Spanish rice. I suppose that it was almost as good as spanking a Spaniard.
**In Barcelona, they speak Catalan, a derivation of Spanish that is a bitch to learn.
Total time: approximately 30 minutes
Projected cost: $5
Drinking Buddy: Depends what you serve with it. Tequila, beer or sangria if you are feeling especially Spanish
1. 1 cup of white rice
2. 2 cups of chicken broth
3. 1 dash of salt
4. ¼ cup of olive oil
5. 1 handful of chopped cilantro
6. 2 garlic cloves chopped finely
7. 1 tomato chopped coarsely
8. 1 onion chopped coarsely
9. 1 red bell pepper chopped coarsely
10. 1 small carrot chopped or grated coarsely
Toast the rice first by heating up the oil in a pan on medium heat and cook until they brown, stirring occasionally (approx 5 minutes). Throw in the garlic and cook another minute. Throw in the rest of the veggies: cilantro, tomato, onion, bell pepper and carrot and cook them down with the toasty rice (approx 5 minutes).
Pour in the chicken stock and salt it up a bit. Crank the heat up until the stalk begins to boil, then turn the heat down super low and simmer until the rice absorbs the stock (approx 20 minutes). You officially have some spectacular spanking Spanish rice to serve with something equally outstanding like ORANGASMIC CATFISH, FISHY PINK TACOS or MOLE. Go get those chicas and hombres!