LICK HER POTSTICKER SOUP

March 16, 2016
Lick lick lick its so sick sick sick (as in good)!

Lick lick lick its so sick sick sick (as in good)!

Apply your whole tongue.  Don’t be shy now.  You want to start from the base and work that saliva up and down and all around the nub. You’re doing something right when there’s twitching and squirming.  How else are you supposed to suck every bit of flavor our of a pot sticker soup? I’m all ears if you have a better idea.  For now, we’ll just have to settle for overzealous tongue action that renders your company slaphappy and craving a cigarette even when they don’t smoke. This Thai inspired soup guide your taste organ to its happy ending.

random thai soup prepTotal time: approximately 10 minutes
Projected cost: $4
Drinking Buddy: Thai beer

Ingredients (serves 2):
1. 1 can Tom Yum Soup*
2. ½ can coconut milk*
3.1 handful green onions chopped
4. 1 handful cilantro chopped
5. 2 handfuls of frozen gyoza/pot-stickers*
6. 1 wedge lime (not pictured)

*available at Asian markets

Step 1
Boil the pot-stickers in the Tom Yum soup until they soften (approx 5 min).  Use a spatula to break them up in bite-sized pieces.random thai soup boil

Step 2
Pour in the coconut milk along with the green onions, cilantro and limejuice and simmer, stirring occasionally (approx 3 min).
random thai soup coconut herbs lime
Serve soup up in bowls with solo or a kick ass ENTRÉE.
random thai soup served 2

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PAD SEE OOH BABY!

January 26, 2016

Thai me up, Thai me down, Thai one on!

Thai me up, Thai me down, Thai one on!

That’s right!  You know how to do what you do so do it.  Ooh ooh, baby, do it one more time.  I can’t get enough of your tasty taste.  It’s so exotic, so flavorful, so foreign to my white bread existence.  Suddenly all the TV Dinner memories are evaporating into adventures in Thailand.  I’m on a beach getting my hair braided.  I’m in the jungle communing with shaman living in a tree house.  I’m in Bangkok breaking all 10 Commandments.  It’s all because you spice up my life.  Keep it up.  Now that I’ve tasted the East, these noodles will keep the memories alive at the very least. Read the rest of this entry »


THAI HAPPY ENDING MUSSELS

December 7, 2015
It's the happiest ending on Earth!

It's the happiest ending on Earth!

You want happy ending?  You got happy ending.  No ending will be quite so happy as the one that follows this meal.  If you can’t get laid with mussels and wine, you will never get laid…with this date.  Move on.  Your pheromones must be reeking of something close to a hippo’s ass if this dish fails to land you in bed.  Steamed APHRODISIACS incarnate swimming in a broth of spicy awesomeness will unleash the alpha instinct left dormant by society’s deprogramming.  Embrace the power endowed in you and take what is yours.  The secret to steamed mussels success is that they are simple to make.  But your date doesn’t need to know that.  All they should be aware of is that this dish looks, smells and tastes impressive.  Think of this dish like some Eurasian rock star that defies classification unless you are classifying something as ethereal.  Now get out there and pretend cooking these mussels is worthy of a Nobel Prize!  I already received my prize…in the bottom of a box of cereal. Read the rest of this entry »


PIMPIN’ PUMPKIN SOUP

November 18, 2015
Pimp my pumpkin like Cindarella's, but with way more umph!

Pimp my pumpkin like Cindarella’s, but with way more umph!

Halloween is upon us.  Truth be told, I’d take Halloween over Christmas, Thanksgiving and Kwanzaa combined.  Something about turning yourself into someone or something else just whets my appetite for destruction.  Unspeakable acts of mayhem and perversion have occurred on my Halloween watch.  The fact I don’t remember much of it seems beside the point.  The pretentious side of me finds the whole transformation thing very Kafka, while the idiotic derelict in me just thinks it’s a great excuse become reckless.  So I always apply this theory to my pumpkins each year.  My Halloween tradition is to purchase two pumpkins, one to carve into sarcastic social commentary, and the other less pretty pumpkin I demand for free becomes something delicious. So I pimped my pumpkin into a soup with Thai-style flavor. The lucky lady who joined me for the jack-off-lantern carving party did agree and demonstrated her appreciation the old fashioned way…orally.

pimpin pumkin soup prepTotal time: approximately 50 minutes

Projected cost: $9

Drinking Buddy: MO MOJO MOJITOS

Ingredients (for six):

1. 2 tbsp CALIVIRGIN olive oil

2. 4 cups chicken stock (use vegetable stock to make vegan)

3. 2 cups coconut milk

4. 2-3 lb pumpkin

5. Salt at your discretion

6. 1 teaspoon dried lemongrass

7. 1 onion chopped coarsely

8. 1 small handful of freshly sliced GINGER

9. Lime wedges to squeeze into soup

Step 1

Cut the ends off the pumpkin, skin it, slice in half, scoop out the seeds and gunk, and slice into chunks.

pimpin pumkin soup pumpkin

Step 2

Sauté the ginger and onions with 1 tbsp of olive oil, spicing it with lemongrass (approx 5 min).  Add the pumpkin, throw in the remaining olive oil and sauté until the pumpkins soften (approx 7 min).

pimpin pumkin soup saute

Step 3

Add the stock and bring to a boil.  Turn the heat down low and simmer (approx 35 min).  Puree the soup, add the coconut milk, and heat through.  Squeeze some lime into each bowl you ladle up.

pimpin pumkin soup stock coconut lime

Serve up this with some Thai NOODLES and you’re sure to have a happy ending.

pimpin pumkin soup served

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NEVER HURRY THEIR CURRY

September 9, 2015

Get their curry in a flurry 'til their eyes go blurry.

Rule #1 of gaming is to never be too eager. Desperation is herpes to your prospects. Why rush the inevitable by being a needy little bitch? The best seductions simmer to the point you can’t resist taking a nibble. Serve it up too soon and you will barely enjoy the undercooked, underwhelming sensations to follow. Don’t repeat my tragic blunders by rushing the vibe when it ain’t solid. The only thing you’ll have is a shiny new pair of blue balls. Granted there are certain opportunities to pounce on post haste. These are fun, but fleeting. When it comes creating something exceptional, a little restraint never hurt nobody no how. I’m not suggesting pussing out entirely like some chump. Just know when to hold ‘em; know when to fold ‘em; and know when to bang ‘em. Now savor every last morsel of their curry, champ! Read the rest of this entry »


HUGE PRIK KING

May 7, 2014

What did one ball say to the other? "Who's the prik king in the middle?"

I know what they’ve been saying. All that negativity and name-calling! I can dismiss it as petty jealousy, a result of being this awesome. But even though you can interpret it as a compliment, it still hurts. You know? Packing heat is a blessing, but goddamn! Even the most gifted culinary Casanovas have feelings that get bruised when mean things are said. So what if someone calls me the Prik King? Clearly they are jealous of my royal status and largess of dowry. All the red curry and green beans in the world won’t change the fact that I am living the dream, while they can only dream. It’s a start. But why can’t we compromise? Perhaps the haters could learn from me instead and in turn use their new skills to create a better life. OR they can keep smack talking and in turn make me look even cooler and more dangerous to the opposite sex. Either way, I win. But there’s room for more winners on the podium. Read the rest of this entry »


PAD THAI ME UP

November 6, 2009
pad thai me up served

Yes, mistress. Please, mistress. Thank you, mistress.

Kinky is my middle name.  Actually it’s Patrick, but I’m considering changing it.  I wouldn’t call myself an S&M guy, but I do enjoy pushing the envelope behind closed doors with consenting adults.  What’s the point of boring sex? Why half-ass your goal after you put all this effort into convincing someone to get naked? I don’t personally own handcuffs, but I’ve been cuffed to a bed with leopard print bonds.  My mistress/lover for the night was rough at times, and then sweet, then rough and so on.  It was pretty hot.  Melting candle wax on my nipples was just painful, but it was still an experience I remember fondly.  The best part is after we were done, we had takeout Pad Thai that she fed me since my hands were still attached to her headboard.  That was one of my favorite Thai food memories, which I have since relived in subtle, less painful ways.  So here’s my own take on this classic recipe with a little extra sexy thrown into the mix.  Just be sure to have a safety word when engaging in Thai-style COOK TO BANG.

Total time: approximately 8 minutes
Projected cost: $5
Drinking Buddy: Thai iced tea or beer

pad thai me up prepIngredients (serves 2, with post-coital leftovers):
1. 2 tbsp vegetable oil
2. 1-package rice noodles
3. 1 tbsp fish sauce
4. 1 tbsp soy sauce
5. 2 OZ Pad Thai sauce
6. Limejuice to taste
7. 2 eggs
8. 6 green onions chopped coarsely
9. FRIED TOFU
10. 1 red CHILI chopped finely
11. 2 handful chopped peanuts
12. ½ lb SHRIMP
13. ½ lb chicken cut in bite-sized pieces

Step 1
Marinate the raw chicken with the soy sauce, fish sauce and limejuice (approx 15 min).  Cook the chicken in a pan until they brown (approx 3 min).  Add the shrimp and cook it all together (approx 2).
pad thai me up meat
Step 2
Bring a pot of water to a boil, turn the heat low and cook the rice noodles al dente (approx 4 min) and drain.  Heat up the oil in deep pan or wok.  Add the noodles and mix in the pad Thai sauce thoroughly.  Cook in the chicken, shrimp, fried tofu and green onions.
pad thai me up noodle stir-fry
Step 3
Beat the two eggs and cook flat in a pan like a pancake.  Jimmy the eggs off the pan an crown the noodles with it.  When serving, throw a handful of peanuts and squeeze some lime over it.
pad thai me up eggs
These kinky noodles go great with a BANGO YOUR MANGO CHICKEN CURRY.

pad thai me up served 2

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