CHICKEN LETTUCE D-CUPS

March 21, 2016
Your D-cups fill out nicely!

Your D-cups fill out nicely!

This dish is stacked!  I mean the cups are full and voluptuous.  Ain’t no flat-chested FINGER FOOD here. No need for implants to help these fill out. The chicken breasts are supple and pouting, not to mention double-D-licious!  I have enjoyed this dish many times in the company of dates at fine Chinese restaurant and not so fine ones that rhyme with PF WANGS.  But only when I made it at home did I realize how simple, tasty, and awesome this dish can be.  Blow you date away with some familiar, but so much better since you made it with your own two hands.  Take a hold of those lettuce D-Cups, caress, fondle and then let your mouth get to work.

chicken lettuce d-cups prepTotal time: approximately 25 minutes
Projected cost: $8
Drinking Buddy: Beer or CHASING GINGER TAIL

Ingredients (for 2):
1. Plum or hoisin sauce (at your discretion)
2. 1 tbsp soy sauce
3. 1 tbsp vegetable oil
4. 1 tsp oyster sauce
5. 1 small lettuce head
6. 2 chicken breasts
7. 3 mushrooms sliced thinly
8. 2 green onions chopped coarsely
9. 2 garlic cloves sliced thinly
10. 1 handful chopped peanuts

Step 1
Mince the chicken finely with your sharpest knife.  Marinate it in the soy sauce and oyster sauce (approx 15 min).
chicken lettuce d-cups marinate
Step 2
Sauté the garlic, green onions and mushrooms with vegetable oil until they soften (approx 3 min).  Throw in the chicken and the nuts and cook through (approx 4 min).
chicken lettuce d-cups saute
Step 3
Fill up the lettuce cups with the goods.  Add a teaspoon or so of the plum or hoisin sauce to each cup and then add a healthy scoop of the minced chicken filling.
chicken lettuce d-cups fill
Serve them up on a platter to share with the spirit of camaraderie and banging on your mind.
chicken lettuce d-cups served

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LOX UP YOUR DAUGHTERS

October 12, 2015
Lox them up and throw away the key!

Lox them up and throw away the key!

Parents, you have been warned.  Now that this ridonkulously easy recipe is public knowledge, the world of culinary seduction just got a little easier. All those innocent girls yearning to spread their wings shall descend upon the bait laid out for them.  Once they’ve had a taste of this forbidden fruit, all bets are off.  I know that the Religious Right are gritting their teeth and preparing a contingency plan.  Sorry, suckers.  There’s nothing you can do now but pray really HARD.  The rest of us will be cooking and BANGING really HARD. Read the rest of this entry »


SMACK THAT SEA BASS

May 9, 2014

Just say no to crack.  But say yes to smacking that sea bass!

Just say no to crack. But say yes to smacking that sea bass!

Did you hear that crack? That’s the sound of my hand against flesh? You know you love it. Denying it is as believable as a crackhead swearing the car stereo in his hand was a birthday gift. So just enjoy the pleasure this gives you like you would a massage with a happy ending. There’s no shame in indulging in life’s simple pleasures. Your date will no doubt agree when you let them taste a little of your thunder. That is, after they catch their breath. So bring the noise and don’t hesitate to smack this dish loud and proud. Read the rest of this entry »


SALADACIOUSLY SALIVATING SALAD

November 17, 2010
Salivate or Salvation?

Salivate or Salvation?

Just looking at pictures of this salad makes me salivate.  Good god was this an orgasmic freaking salad.  Everything in here screams healthy, happy and horny.  You could run a goddamn marathon or at least have some killer marathon sex after eating a plate of this bad boy.  My date didn’t know what to say when I served her this masterpiece.  I’m pretty sure she said YUM!  But it was hard to tell since her mouth was full of salad, shortly followed by my tongue.  It’s pretty safe to say that anyone who throws together something this awesome will surely get laid, if not inducted into the COOK TO BANG hall of fame.  Swing for the fences, my friends! Read the rest of this entry »


BANANA-RAM-YA MILKSHAKE

February 28, 2009
Do wop babaloo bop do wop BANG BOOM!

Do wop babaloo bop do wop BANG BOOM!

Just imagine yourself a young, horny kid in the 50’s.  Too bad societal pressures would keep you from indulging your every whim like James Dean.  No, you would be expected to settle for some awesome chrome car and a letterman jacket or pressed Donna Reed blouse.  Sounds good in their theory, but do you really want to wait until marriage to bang to your hearts content?  Chances are you would be locked in to a loveless marriage fueled by Dean Martin, scotch, and keys in the punchbowl parties.  Luckily, 50+ years and a sexual revolution later, we can indulge our carnal desire milkshake without having to buy the whole rancid cow.  Bear in mind that back then the concept of lactose intolerance was not even a glimmer in the milkman banging the bored housewife’s eye.  But we can thank the 50’s for the malt shop culture.  Back then they couldn’t bang so they consumed high calorie treats.  Now we can do both.  So sip your milkshake while you lift up that poodle skirt and doo wop to your heart’s content.

banana-milkshake-prepTotal time: approximately 2 minutes
Projected cost: $5
Drinking Buddy: If you are hardcore you could pour in some vodka

Ingredients (serves 2):
1. 2 scoops of vanilla ice cream
2. 2 cups of milk
3. 2 tablespoons of honey
4. 1 banana
5. 1 handful of pistachios

Step 1
Break the banana in half and drop it in the blender along with the ice cream, honey, pistachios and milk and blend it to perfection.  Serve it up cold before things get really hot!

banana-milkshake-blender

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