FRICTION CHICKEN SALAD

October 19, 2015

“I’m long, and I’m strong, and I’m down to get the friction on!” – Sir Mix-A-Lot

Chicken salad makes most people think of a backyard luncheon on a Sunday afternoon after church. The respectable ladies wear their hats, fan themselves with the hymnal handouts, and nibble on dull chicken salad made with chicken, mayo, and sliced celery. I don’t blame you for dismissing chicken salad as a big old snooze-fest. But what if you substituted Mrs. Anderson’s usual yawn-inducing specialty with the Cook To Bang version turbo-loaded with all things banging? You got yourself a Whitesnake video in the backyard. The ladies will rip holes in their Sunday best, crawl across the foldout tables, and shake their teased hair around as if there’s an oversized fan conveniently blowing. The men, the good reverend included, will headbang and mosh, Jell-O cubes flying everywhere. Careful where you serve this salad! Cook To Bang is no liable for the aftermath.

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BANGERINE SALAD

February 7, 2014

Bangerine your date's reluctance to smithereens!

Tangerines are a whorish fruit. While oranges, kiwis, and grapes are off to church to pray they won’t be eaten, tangerines rub their citrus all over everybody.  I’ve never met a fruit so eager for you to eat them out.  They are like that hot girl who realizes her true nature is to be a slut, regardless of what their family, friends and community think.  Fair enough I say.  Who am I to deny something so tasty the privilege of my mouth’s company?  Since tangerines are in season now and cheap (insert hooker reference here), I’m throwing them into the mix just about everywhere. In my salad? Obviously!  In my cereal? Why not!  In my eggs? My mornings have never been so skank-er-licious!  So inspire the whore in your date by serving up a salad with the sweet tangy flavor of bangerines! Read the rest of this entry »


FREAKY FRIED CORN-FLAKY CHICKEN

April 30, 2009
Who get's freaky?  Who do? You do!  Now freaky fry your way to shangri la!

Who get's freaky? Who do? You do! Now freaky fry your way to shangri la!

Ain’t nothing wrong with getting a little freaky in the kitchen.  I get freaky every time I walk across the linoleum.  Sometimes I’ll grind against my oven, do the old in-out with my cupboards, or just stick my hand all up in my freezer just because.  Sure I could act my age and treat the kitchen with reverence usually saved for a church.  But to me, my kitchen is my church and I am a goddamn pagan.  Getting freaky with two chicken breasts is my way of giving thanks for all the bounty and booty that comes my way.  So ladies, won’t you join me in this freaky heathen worship of the sweet and the savory?  This chicken is baked, so it is far less fatty.  That means we can get way more chatty, before I drive you batty with desire.  So don’t be bratty or catty about getting freaky.  It’s natural and oh so delicioso!

Total time: approximately 70 minutes
Projected cost: $9
Drinking Buddy: Beer or a margarita

fried-chicken-prep1Ingredients (serves 2):
1. 1 cup of Cornflakes
2. 1 tablespoon of milk
3. 1 egg
4. ½ teaspoon of salt
5. ½ teaspoon of pepper
6. 2 chicken breasts
7. 1 green onion chopped finely
8. 1 handful of shredded Parmesan
9. 2 tablespoons of butter

Step 1
Preheat the oven to 350 degrees F.  Dump the cornflakes into a bowl and punch them into submission.  Mix in the Parmesan, green onions, pepper, and salt.  In a separate bowl, mix together the egg and milk.fried-chicken-batter

Step 2
Pat dry the chicken breasts.  Dip them in the egg/milk mixture and then stick the meat in the cornflake breading mixture, making sure both sides are coated.  Place in a baking pan.  Melt the butter in a pan and pour it over the breaded chicken.  Throw it all into the oven and bake until the chicken is crispy on the outside and cooked through on the inside (approx 1 hour).

fried-chicken-dip-butter-bake

Serve with GARLIC GOING ON MASHED POTATOES.

fried-chicken-served-2

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