I dream a little dream every day. My dreams do not consist of me running in a field of daffodils holding hands with my pure-as-virgin-snow fiancé. There is no discussion of curtain rods and where to hang the menacing portrait of her father in our bedroom so he can watch us “make grandchildren”. That is another man’s dream that I find boringly obscene. My dreams are of the social derelict variety. They are filled with morally questionable fluids that get all over the bed, walls and playtime companions’ faces. The soundtrack consists of gasps, moans, and cracks from my flat hand connecting with firm backsides. You could hook my brain up to your DVR and I’d single-handedly put Skinemax out of business. My lawyers are already in discussion with Time Warner, but it comes down how many private islands I will receive stocked with island girls…coming soon to a living room near you. Perverted as I am, I’m also a glutton in my dreams. And this Chinese style scallop recipe came out of one such decadent dream. Enjoy these nocturnal emissions on your plate! Read the rest of this entry »
Innovation generally is born out of desperation, or so I learned creating this appetizer. I returned home briefly after an extended absence and didn’t even bother to take my luggage out of the car. Off to a birthday party I went, eager to connect with old friends, and make a few new ones. My reputation at the party for being a great cook preceded me. One of the guests was especially keen to find out just how much I know about food. We spent most of the night discussing food, our bodies inching closer and closer as we spoke with passion and lust for fine cuisine. I’m not sure exactly how it went down, but we bailed on the party before the cake was served (the food was uninspiring anyway) to whip something up at my house. Only problem was my fridge was empty except for some frozen potstickers, condiments galore and the three strawberries my roommate had leftover. With my cooking game’s reputation on the line, I threw down the gauntlet and made this random piece of awesomeness. My new friend was impressed and gave me props for efforts once that night and twice in the morning. Read the rest of this entry »
This recipe comes courtesy of Pete in Brooklyn, NY. Great title, great combination of things I love. Pete writes:
When that Portobello just won’t do as its told, shrimp slap it. Yank at it, scrape it up, stuff it good and proper. There will be no more of that disrespecting your taste buds. You will get yours with this recipe. If you fail with this dish, you fail at living the good life. Read the rest of this entry »
That’s it. Take it all off. Every last article must be removed. You know the deal. No naked, no nosh! There you go. Don’t you feel so much better without all those pesky clothes? I know I feel liberated. See? I’m nude too. Watch me do this cartwheel. Whee! Now it’s your turn. I want to see your naughty bits fly in all directions. Again! Again! All this exercise made me hungry. Let’s break. The only proper way to dine on noodles is in the nude. Sure they are spicy, but I know how randy you get when your mouth is on fire. Let the papaya cool you down before things heat back up after the meal.
Total time: approximately 10 minutes
Projected cost: $6
Drinking Buddy: Beer or a CHASING GINGER TAIL
Ingredients (serves 2):
1. 8-ounces of dried rice noodle flakes
2. 1 tbsp of Sriracha Hot CHILI Sauce
3. 1 tbsp of soy sauce
4. ½ tbsp of vegetable oil
5. 1 onion cut in strips
6. 1 handful of crushed pecans
7. ½ a lime
8. ½ of a papaya
9. 2 handfuls of cilantro
10. 1 egg
11. 2 garlic cloves chopped finely
Bring a pot of water to a boil. Scoop the seeds out of the papaya, and then cut the fruit meat out. Discard the shell and chop up the papaya coarsely.
Sauté the garlic, onion and ½ the cilantro with vegetable oil on medium-high heat (approx 3 min). Throw in the papaya and cook it with the soy sauce and Sriracha sauce (approx 2 min).
Boil the rice noodle flakes (approx 4 min), drain, toss them into the magic pot of flavor, and then mix it all together.
Crack an egg into the pan, and then mix the contents together. Crown the noodles with the crushed pecans and cilantro, and finally squeeze the limejuice over your creation.
Serve up the nude-les solo or with some BANGO YOUR MANGO CHICKEN CURRY.