You want happy ending? You got happy ending. No ending will be quite so happy as the one that follows this meal. If you can’t get laid with mussels and wine, you will never get laid…with this date. Move on. Your pheromones must be reeking of something close to a hippo’s ass if this dish fails to land you in bed. Steamed APHRODISIACS incarnate swimming in a broth of spicy awesomeness will unleash the alpha instinct left dormant by society’s deprogramming. Embrace the power endowed in you and take what is yours. The secret to steamed mussels success is that they are simple to make. But your date doesn’t need to know that. All they should be aware of is that this dish looks, smells and tastes impressive. Think of this dish like some Eurasian rock star that defies classification unless you are classifying something as ethereal. Now get out there and pretend cooking these mussels is worthy of a Nobel Prize! I already received my prize…in the bottom of a box of cereal. Read the rest of this entry »
I used to stamp my little feet as a child when someone called me a shrimp. It drove me batty that I wasn’t a “big kid”. Time changes everything. Call me a shrimp as an adult and I’ll thank you, and then fantasize about buttery, garlicky goodness. I am the first to admit that I’ll get trampy for shrimp scampi. A note to the ladies: you too can put a man like myself under your spell with this dish. There’s something amazing about cooking shellfish in this velvet sauce that grants the chef the power of mind control. It’s been that way ever since I stole the recipe from a heavily guarded underground vault in Switzerland. Sure I am wanted by Interpol, but I did it all for you, dear reader. Who loves ya? Read the rest of this entry »
This recipe comes from Mandy in Ft. Lauderdale, FL. We had to include a boozy recipe with summer finally here. Mandy writes:
Sangria in summer is necessary for me as the free clinic is to a hooker. I can’t live without some cold fruity wine as the sun beats down. The best way to enjoy it is with as little clothing as possible. No clothing is best. There’s no better way to cool you down after stick summer sex. Plus you can pick out the fruit and eat them off your play pal. The best part of this recipe is that it’s a portable party for backyard BBQs, pool parties, or orgies. Read the rest of this entry »
Are you feeling weak-willed, pathetic and flaccid? You no longer have an excuse with this outstanding summer soup recipe. Studies have proven that the citrulline in WATERMELON triggers arginine, the chemical in Viagra that gets male pistons pumping. This soup will turbo charge your libido so you can take plenty of prisoners in the bedroom who won’t want to be released. Stockholm Syndrome will be in effect with the amount of good loving you will be dishing out in a soup bowl. Did I mention how refreshing chilled watermelon soup tastes, especially when you go for seconds after a particularly exhausting banging session? Now get yourself to the market and then blow your dates mind, body and soul. Boom-chicka-wah-wah! Read the rest of this entry »
You want me to stop this COOK TO BANG madness? Never! Why would I when it makes the world a better-fed and less sexually frustrated place? The mayor of Bangor, Maine just gave me the key to the city. I handed him a secret recipe to bring some sexual healing back into his marriage. Apparently banging has returned to Bangor. I don’t like to think of myself as a hero, more of a civil servant. CTB is a community service that is no way court ordered from a conviction for public indecency when I broke into Martha Stewart’s kitchen while she was in the slammer and broadcast my own cooking and banging demonstrations. All three of those girls were legal, consensual and it was their idea! Anyway…it’s good to be commended instead of condemned. And with that, I give you this epically delicious salmon recipe that will keep you banging on and on and…you get the picture.
Recipe courtesy of publishing scion STEVE TOBIA.
Total time: approximately 40 minutes
Projected cost: $21
Drinking Buddy: White wine
Ingredients (for two, w/ leftovers for lunch):
1. 1 tbsp of vegetable oil
2. ½ cup of white wine
3. 1 heavy dashes of CHILI powder
4. 2 dashes of black pepper
5. 1 dash of garlic powder
6. 1 dash of Cajun seasoning
7. 1 small jar of capers
8. 2 dashes of Old Bay seasoning
9. 1 container full of chopped mushrooms
10. 1 container of cherry tomatoes
11. 1 red onion chopped finely
12. 1 pound slab of SALMON
Preheat the oven to broil. Season up the salmon slab on an baking sheet with garlic powder, black pepper, Cajun seasoning and chili powder. Throw the fish in the oven.
Create the sauce by sautéing the onions and mushrooms on high heat with 1 tbsp of oil with some black pepper (approx 4 min). Add in the tomatoes and sauté them with the white wine until they get soft (approx 4 min). Use the back of a spoon to pop each cherry…tomato. Turn the heat down low and simmer the tomatoes with the capers until the fish is ready.
Keep the fish in the oven until the pan is searing hot and the seasoning has blackened on top (approx 20 min). Remove the pan from oven and smother it with the sauce, which will sizzle like crazy. Turn off the heat and throw the fish back into the oven, doors closed and let the sauce settle in (approx 15 min).
Serve up on a plate with some GROIN GRABBING GRILLED VEGGIES or GARLIC GOING ON MASHED POTATOES.
Can you cha cha? It’s only the simplest dance in the known universe. I saw syphilitic lab monkeys doing it by accident and that was after an experiment with excess wine consumption. If a drunken monkey can do it, you should be able to pull it off blindfolded. This dish is on same page as the cha cha. It’s almost impossible to screw the pooch on this one. You could try pouring turpentine into the mix (CTB discourages this wholeheartedly), but then it would have a cool, briny taste. Just follow the protocol below and spend your extra time kicking game. That will leave you with plenty of time to kick game while you dance the half-naked cha cha. Read the rest of this entry »
I may seem like an angel by providing the world with my culinary creations. Despite my commitment to helping my fellow my man and loving my neighbor(‘s wife), I am not a holy roller with a halo floating above my head. Shocking, I know. But take heart. In spite of my lack of high morals and self-righteousness, I do have good intentions. Sure I am perverse and refuse to wait until marriage to indulge in carnal delight. Yet my reader’s happiness and health is of the utmost importance to me. In fact, the United States Surgeon General has appointed me to a task force to get people to eat better and exercise more. Hence, I encourage that all of you of appropriate age (children and elderly need not apply) to COOK TO BANG regularly. Sure some televangelist might condemn me to burn in eternal damnation, but ask yourself this: How cool will the eternal afterlife be with guys with glued on hairweaves telling you what a miserable sinner you are? I’ll take the hot tub in hell packed full of nymphomaniacs.
Ingredients (serves 2):
1. 1 cup of white wine
2. 2 tablespoons of olive oil
3. 1 tablespoon of salt
4. 2 handfuls of cherry tomatoes
5. 3 garlic cloves chopped finely
6. 1 onion chopped coarsely
7. ½ lemon worth of juice
8. Parmesan to your liking
9. 8 ounces of dried angel hair pasta
Warm up the olive oil in a decent sized pan on medium-high heat. Sauté the garlic until they whiten (approx 30 seconds), sauté the onions until they become translucent (approx 2 minutes), and then flavor it all with salt. Next cook the cherry tomatoes until they soften (approx 3 minutes), before adding the lemon juice and white wine and allow it to simmer while you move on to Step 2.
Bring a large pot of water to a boil and break in the angel hair pasta. Follow the instructions and cook until the pasta becomes al dente. Drain, wash out the excess starch and pour the pasta into the sauce and cook together until heated through. Serve onto alone of with some kickass ENTRÉE. Grate as much Parmesan as you feel worthy.
You’ve been rocking that cod all night. Your filet so cooked it’s crispy from all the heat. You’ve ridden it hard and put it away wet. It’s time to put it to bed…of veggies. Welcome to the CTB jungle, baby! You’re gonna die…from an orgasm overdose. This dish overflows with aphrodisiac-loaded potential for seducing even the most prude of Prudences. Sure the price of ingredients ain’t cheap, but you can’t build a rocket to the moon out of sardine cans from the 99cent store. I tried and crash-landed outside of Tijuana where I got a great FISH TACO. This recipe is quality over quantity for that quality someone you really really want. I warn you that it will be rather HARD to determine which orgasm you prefer. The sexual or culinary? Just consider it a multiple orgasm and be done with it.
*Special shout out to master chef Jane for this audaciously awesome recipe.
Total time: approximately 30 minutes
Projected cost: $20, but worth every goddamn penny!
Drinking Buddy: White wine; just drink the rest of the bottle (see below)
Ingredients (serves 2):
1. 1 Portobello mushroom
2. 1 tablespoon of olive oil
3. ½ cup of white wine
4. 1 leek
5. 1 tablespoon of salt
6. Pepper to taste
7. 2 strips of bacon (or turkey or veggie bacon)
8. 2 8-ounce filets of black cod
9. 1 large carrot peeled
10. 1 handful or dried porcini mushrooms
11. 2 garlic cloves minced
First you must prep the leeks and Portobello mushrooms that are filthier than your mind. Cut the stem and most of the dark green off the leek, then spilt in half and wash them thoroughly, being sure to wash out the grit between the folds, then chopping thin slices. Peel, filet and dice the carrots. Finally, wash off the Portobello mushroom thoroughly, pull out the stalk gently, scrap out the black gills and chop them into 1-inch thick strips.
Heat a large pan on medium-high. Throw in the bacon and cook out all the fat before tossing in the leeks, garlic and carrots and cook them down (approx 5 minutes). Slice the mushroom strips into bite-sized pieces, throw in the salt and cook down further (approx 3 minutes). Dump in the white wine, and turn down heat and allow to simmer while you do Step 3.
Take the dried porcini mushrooms and pulverize them in a coffee grinder (if you don’t have grinder, use mortal & pestle, or chop with knife). Throw the shroom dust in a deep container and rub each side of the black cod in it. Heat the olive oil up in another pan on high heat and throw on the coated cod filets cooking each side until crispy before flipping (3 minutes each side). Serve each filet over a bed of veggies.
COOK TO BANG generally advocates you kinky cooks out there to impress the hell out of your chosen conquest. And with good reason. The CTB method of seduction came out of much research I bravely endured for you, my dear reader. But sometimes, depending on your target, simplicity in seduction can be the key. Don’t overdo a first date with a five-course meal complete with champagne and a four-string quartet. You’ll look like a jackass, a jackass who ain’t getting laid. You can play it off casually like you’re throwing together a meal last minute. Invite your date over for a drink before going out to some fancy restaurant written up in your local paper. Then have a friend call your phone and pretend it’s the restaurant informing you they cannot seat you. Feign annoyance, apologize, pour them another drink and offer to cook instead. Your date can find out by “accident” that you happen to be a kickass cook who made something sensational with next to nothing. This spaghetti dish screams nonchalance. Plus it’s vegetarian and vegan friendly, and healthy as hell. It’s win win. READY FOR BEDDY SPAGHETTI makes a great starter, light entrée or can compliment a nice piece of meat. Heh heh…
Total time: approximately 25 minutes
Projected cost: $6
Drinking Buddy: Red wine or prosecco
1. 2 tablespoons of olive oil
2. ½ cup of white wine
3. 1 teaspoon of salt
4. ½ pound of dried spaghetti
5. ½ a lemon worth of juice
6. 1 teaspoon of crushed red pepper flakes
7. 3 garlic cloves diced finely
8. 2 handfuls of cherry tomatoes cut in half
9. ½ a red onion chopped coarsely
Step 1 Boil the spaghetti al dente. Rinse out the excess starch. While the pasta boils, move onto Step 2. Step 2 Heat up the olive oil in a deep pan or wok on medium-low heat. Sauté the garlic until the begin to brown (approx 30 seconds). Throw in the red onions and sauté until they soften and become translucent (approx 2 minutes). Squeeze in the lemon juice and allow the citrus to be absorbed (approx 2 minutes). Next sauté the cherry tomatoes with the salt until they soften (approx 3 minutes). Finally add the white wine and simmer covered on super low heat (approx 15 minutes). Step 3 Dump the cooked spaghetti into the sauce and mix it all together thoroughly allowing the pasta to heat up. Serve up the spaghetti on a plate with Parmesan if you like. Bravo!