THAI HAPPY ENDING MUSSELS

December 7, 2015
It's the happiest ending on Earth!

It's the happiest ending on Earth!

You want happy ending?  You got happy ending.  No ending will be quite so happy as the one that follows this meal.  If you can’t get laid with mussels and wine, you will never get laid…with this date.  Move on.  Your pheromones must be reeking of something close to a hippo’s ass if this dish fails to land you in bed.  Steamed APHRODISIACS incarnate swimming in a broth of spicy awesomeness will unleash the alpha instinct left dormant by society’s deprogramming.  Embrace the power endowed in you and take what is yours.  The secret to steamed mussels success is that they are simple to make.  But your date doesn’t need to know that.  All they should be aware of is that this dish looks, smells and tastes impressive.  Think of this dish like some Eurasian rock star that defies classification unless you are classifying something as ethereal.  Now get out there and pretend cooking these mussels is worthy of a Nobel Prize!  I already received my prize…in the bottom of a box of cereal. Read the rest of this entry »


TRAMPY SCAMPI

August 21, 2015
The Lady and the Trampy Scampi

The Lady and the Trampy Scampi

I used to stamp my little feet as a child when someone called me a shrimp.  It drove me batty that I wasn’t a “big kid”.  Time changes everything.  Call me a shrimp as an adult and I’ll thank you, and then fantasize about buttery, garlicky goodness.  I am the first to admit that I’ll get trampy for shrimp scampi.  A note to the ladies: you too can put a man like myself under your spell with this dish. There’s something amazing about cooking shellfish in this velvet sauce that grants the chef the power of mind control.  It’s been that way ever since I stole the recipe from a heavily guarded underground vault in Switzerland.  Sure I am wanted by Interpol, but I did it all for you, dear reader.  Who loves ya? Read the rest of this entry »


VIA BANGRIA

August 17, 2012

Via Bangria via mi cama

This recipe comes from Mandy in Ft. Lauderdale, FL. We had to include a boozy recipe with summer finally here. Mandy writes:

Sangria in summer is necessary for me as the free clinic is to a hooker. I can’t live without some cold fruity wine as the sun beats down. The best way to enjoy it is with as little clothing as possible. No clothing is best. There’s no better way to cool you down after stick summer sex. Plus you can pick out the fruit and eat them off your play pal. The best part of this recipe is that it’s a portable party for backyard BBQs, pool parties, or orgies. Read the rest of this entry »


VIAGRA-MELON SOUP

August 23, 2011
Forget the little blue pill.  Try the big green melon!

Forget the little blue pill. Try the big green melon!

Are you feeling weak-willed, pathetic and flaccid?  You no longer have an excuse with this outstanding summer soup recipe.  Studies have proven that the citrulline in WATERMELON triggers arginine, the chemical in Viagra that gets male pistons pumping.  This soup will turbo charge your libido so you can take plenty of prisoners in the bedroom who won’t want to be released.  Stockholm Syndrome will be in effect with the amount of good loving you will be dishing out in a soup bowl.  Did I mention how refreshing chilled watermelon soup tastes, especially when you go for seconds after a particularly exhausting banging session?  Now get yourself to the market and then blow your dates mind, body and soul.  Boom-chicka-wah-wah! Read the rest of this entry »


SALMON AND ON AND ON

June 1, 2009
Salmon? C'mon and on and on!

Salmon? C'mon and on and on!

You want me to stop this COOK TO BANG madness?  Never!  Why would I when it makes the world a better-fed and less sexually frustrated place?  The mayor of Bangor, Maine just gave me the key to the city.  I handed him a secret recipe to bring some sexual healing back into his marriage.  Apparently banging has returned to Bangor.  I don’t like to think of myself as a hero, more of a civil servant.  CTB is a community service that is no way court ordered from a conviction for public indecency when I broke into Martha Stewart’s kitchen while she was in the slammer and broadcast my own cooking and banging demonstrations.  All three of those girls were legal, consensual and it was their idea!  Anyway…it’s good to be commended instead of condemned.  And with that, I give you this epically delicious salmon recipe that will keep you banging on and on and…you get the picture.

Recipe courtesy of publishing scion STEVE TOBIA.

Total time: approximately 40 minutes
Projected cost: $21
Drinking Buddy: White wine

salmon and on and on prepIngredients (for two, w/ leftovers for lunch):
1. 1 tbsp of vegetable oil
2. ½ cup of white wine
3. 1 heavy dashes of CHILI powder
4. 2 dashes of black pepper
5. 1 dash of garlic powder
6. 1 dash of Cajun seasoning
7. 1 small jar of capers
8. 2 dashes of Old Bay seasoning
9. 1 container full of chopped mushrooms
10. 1 container of cherry tomatoes
11. 1 red onion chopped finely
12. 1 pound slab of SALMON

Step 1
Preheat the oven to broil.  Season up the salmon slab on an baking sheet with garlic powder, black pepper, Cajun seasoning and chili powder.  Throw the fish in the oven.
salmon and on and on season
Step 2
Create the sauce by sautéing the onions and mushrooms on high heat with 1 tbsp of oil with some black pepper (approx 4 min).  Add in the tomatoes and sauté them with the white wine until they get soft (approx 4 min). Use the back of a spoon to pop each cherry…tomato.  Turn the heat down low and simmer the tomatoes with the capers until the fish is ready.
salmon and on and on sauce
Step 3
Keep the fish in the oven until the pan is searing hot and the seasoning has blackened on top (approx 20 min).  Remove the pan from oven and smother it with the sauce, which will sizzle like crazy.  Turn off the heat and throw the fish back into the oven, doors closed and let the sauce settle in (approx 15 min).
salmon and on and on broil saucy
Serve up on a plate with some GROIN GRABBING GRILLED VEGGIES or GARLIC GOING ON MASHED POTATOES.
salmon and on and on served

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FONDLE MY SAUSAGE & PINCH MY PEPPERS

April 21, 2009
Fondle by candle light

Fondle by candle light

Some prudes blanch at the idea of being touched, let alone being fondled.  That is their beast of repressive burden to carry.  Personally, I enjoy being fondled with regularity.  What can I say?  I’m a giver.  I am always ready to offer up something phallic to the ladies on my CTB wish list.  While this dish doesn’t look quite so fresh and so clean as a SALAD, it does tastes like it came out of an Italian mother’s kitchen.  Every bite makes me want to sing an operatic falsetto because the taste is just too much of a good thing.  Take advantage of this dish’s power and make me proud, old sport.

Total time: approximately 30 minutes
Projected cost: $12
Drinking Buddy: Red wine

sausage-n-peppers-prepIngredients (serves 2):
1. ½ teaspoon of black pepper
2. ½ cup of white wine
3. ½ teaspoon of salt
4. 1 tablespoon of olive oil
5. 1 teaspoon of crushed red pepper flakes
6. 2 diced tomatoes
7. 1 green pepper cut into long strips
8. 1 onion cut into long strips
9. 5 sausage links (chicken or veggie sausage OK)
10. 2 garlic cloves chopped finely.

Step 1

Warm the olive oil up in a large pan or wok.  Toss in the garlic and allow to cook (approx 2 minutes).  In the mean time, slice the sausages in half and set them skin side down in the oil. Flip once so the other has of sausage cooks (approx 2 minutes per side).
sausage-n-peppers-garlic-meatStep 2
Next toss in the onions, peppers and tomato, then stir in some pepper, salt and crushed red pepper.  Pour the wine in and cook everything on low until the wine evaporates (approx 20 minutes).
sausage-n-peppers-veggies
Step 3
Toast some bread if you like.  Split the toast and scatter them neatly on the plate.  Serve up some Sausage and Pepper and sing Ave Maria!

sausage-n-peppers-toast-serve1

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PARTYCHOKE CHICKEN CHA CHA

March 13, 2009
Let me see you cha cha chicken!

Let me see you cha cha chicken!

Can you cha cha?  It’s only the simplest dance in the known universe.  I saw syphilitic lab monkeys doing it by accident and that was after an experiment with excess wine consumption.  If a drunken monkey can do it, you should be able to pull it off blindfolded.  This dish is on same page as the cha cha.  It’s almost impossible to screw the pooch on this one.  You could try pouring turpentine into the mix (CTB discourages this wholeheartedly), but then it would have a cool, briny taste.  Just follow the protocol below and spend your extra time kicking game. That will leave you with plenty of time to kick game while you dance the half-naked cha cha. Read the rest of this entry »