BANGRIA

November 6, 2015
Go ahead, drink up that mystical gypsy potion!

Go ahead, drink up that mystical gypsy potion!

The sound of castanets and Flamenco guitar riffs echo through the streets.  I see a momentary flash of a beautiful figure in a black dress sauntering towards, and then she’s gone.  Carmen?  Is that you again?    It seems that every time I eat Spanish tapas and drink sangria she appears.  That unattainable Spanish hard body has been haunting my subconscious ever since I first laid eyes on her in a bar in Valencia.  There I was, the gringo in the corner of the Spanish nightclub sipping my first sangria.  Carmen crossed the room towards me, took my glass and downed it, then led me onto the dance floor.  She wrapped on leg around my hip and I melted.  The filthy suggestions she breathed heavily into my ear in her native tongue sent my mind skitso.  Carmen sent me for one last round of sangria.  When I eagerly returned she had vanished.  To this day I don’t know if she was real or a hallucination brought on by a sangria overdose.  That is why I make sangria now.  Perhaps Carmen will return or, at the very least, I can turn the woman I serve it to into Carmen…for the night. Read the rest of this entry »


RAGING HARD ON LEMONADE

October 2, 2015
This lemonade is SOOO HARD right now!

This lemonade is SOOO HARD right now!

Ever have a lemonade stand with a janky misspelled cardboard sign offering: LEMMONAID 4 SAIL. Sure your mother did all the work and you only earned 35 cents, but you showed entrepreneurial spunk!  What a difference a little vodka could have made.  Read the rest of this entry »


I SCREAM YOU SCREAM SINWICH

August 26, 2015
We scream for sex dreams!

We scream for sex dreams!

Ever had post-banging munchies so severe you considered eating an entire package of edible panties?  It’s a goddamn epidemic!  Evasive action is necessary to replenish those calories you burned in the throes of unbridled lust.  Since few people have enough raspberry flavored underwear, might I point you in the way of the kitchen?  It’s that room that some people put food in.  The quickest way to return to the task at hand is speed and efficiency.  You want the most flavor per time allotted.  Nothing cools you down after steamy summer sex like an ice cream sandwich crowned with strawberries.  So get back to the screaming, dreaming and orgasm-gleaming! Read the rest of this entry »


BUNNY RANCH WATER

April 15, 2015
I'm sure you'll chase these bunnies down the rabbit hole

I’m sure you’ll chase these bunnies down the rabbit hole

Celebrate like a proper American.  Freedom, baby, yeah!  Indulge in all your liberties, including those only legal in certain Nevada counties.  While I personally don’t pay to bang (I cook, remember?), I certainly exchange goods (my awesome food) for sexual favors. Make your own backyard into your bunny ranch.  If you are good enough, perhaps you can bang the local cougars for quick cash while they send their hubbies out for more hamburger buns.  This simple drink is perfect for drinking all day in the sun with those you wish to bang.  It’s especially enjoyable floating in a pool surrounded by hard bodies.  So relax from all your labors and drink up.  How else will we pull ourselves out of recession?

bunny ranch water prepTotal time: approximately 2 minutes
Projected cost: $10
Eating Buddy: Any GRILLED GOODIES

Ingredients (per drink):
1. 2 shots silver tequila
2. Club soda
3. Ice
4. ½ lime
5. 1 small handful mint leaves
6. 2 STRAWBERRIES

Step 1

Fill each glass halfway up with ice.  Squeeze ½ a lime into each, dropping the rinds into cup.  Crush the strawberries in your hands and drop into the class.  Toss in a small handful of mint leaves.  Pour in the tequila.  Fill the rest of the glass with club soda and top each glass up with ice.

bunny ranch water mix

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WAFFLE PARTY USA

February 25, 2015
This waffle party is like the firework grand finale in your mouth.

This waffle party is like the firework grand finale in your mouth.

Celebrate American Independence from those tax-collecting limeys.  Those redcoats just took and took and never bothered to give their colonists a reach around.  King George shouldn’t have been surprised when they stopped sucking him off with a smile.  Perhaps if the British were more inclined to reciprocate with the oral gratification Washington, Jefferson, Franklin, and the rest of their posse wouldn’t object to being colonial fluffers.  But alas, history unfolded and now the yanks are free from British money shots splattering their bespectacled, wig-wearing faces.  If not the taxes and tariffs, chances are the Yankees would have rebelled against the piss poor British cuisine.  So celebrate Independence Day with a distinctly American dessert.  Oh say can you see? Read the rest of this entry »


BALLS-ON-IT BALSAMIC STRAWBERRIES

August 27, 2014
Slap some sugar, lemon, balsamic, then put them balls on it!

Slap some sugar, lemon, balsamic, then put them balls on it!

DESSERT is the time when a Cook usually turns into Bang.  Many final courses like cheesecake that take over a day to make, like a slow, patient seduction.  There is nothing wrong with taking your time to holler at the moon so long as you do in fact holler.  But we live in a culture that wants everything yesterday. In fairness to the instant gratification crowd, here’s an instant dessert that is healthy, tasty, and quick on the go.  Do not fear the balsamic vinegar for it is your friend.  The fusion of the powdered sugar, fructose from the berries and the vinegar is like some mystical alchemy that preps your tongue ready for more adventuresome travels.  Be sure to hand-feed these to your date, thus fostering the intimacy you will no doubt exploit for your own perverted gains.  I have made this outstanding standout for more dates than I can remember and not once have I been refused. Won’t you join our merry band of culinary pranksters? Read the rest of this entry »


POTSTICK YOUR SPICY STRAWBERRIES

June 13, 2014
You got to lick it before you potstick it!

You got to lick it before you potstick it!

Innovation generally is born out of desperation, or so I learned creating this appetizer. I returned home briefly after an extended absence and didn’t even bother to take my luggage out of the car. Off to a birthday party I went, eager to connect with old friends, and make a few new ones. My reputation at the party for being a great cook preceded me. One of the guests was especially keen to find out just how much I know about food. We spent most of the night discussing food, our bodies inching closer and closer as we spoke with passion and lust for fine cuisine. I’m not sure exactly how it went down, but we bailed on the party before the cake was served (the food was uninspiring anyway) to whip something up at my house. Only problem was my fridge was empty except for some frozen potstickers, condiments galore and the three strawberries my roommate had leftover. With my cooking game’s reputation on the line, I threw down the gauntlet and made this random piece of awesomeness. My new friend was impressed and gave me props for efforts once that night and twice in the morning. Read the rest of this entry »