POKING SOME POKE

December 2, 2015

Poking around in the dark never tasted so good.

Aloha, hula girls! Kamana wanna laya. That is Hawaiian for, “Come over and I’ll make you dinner.” At least that’s what the tour guide tart said to me on a tropical rainforest walk. Being the unusual tourist with caustic wit is at least good for something. My lack of fanny-pack, Pearl Harbor commemorative t-shirt, and golf hat gave me away. Eager to get away from the family, and, do I really need a reason to jump into the car of an attractive stranger? This lickable local showed me the real Hawaii, including a real Hawaiian bar where my weak sauce knowledge of surfing lingo was mocked. Lucky for my fragile ego, she took me home after for the promised homemade meal. This babe had a badass blade and sliced up sashimi grade ahi tuna her friend caught that morning. I honestly can’t tell you what was better, the poke or the poking. Read the rest of this entry »


SUCK-U-LENT SUSHI SINWICH

October 16, 2015
If you don't like succulent food, you can suck it.

If you don’t like succulent food, you can suck it.

Can you slice a watermelon with a katana blade?  Do you use nunchucks to pound out pizza dough?  Can you catch a fly with chopsticks?  Then you are a kitchen ninja.  Clearly your rigorous training has paid off because your culinary concoctions are deadly delicious.  You make the knuckleheads competing on Top Chef look like low-level samurai sous chefs.  Now it’s time to drop a sake bomb in your home kitchen in the ultimate mission: sexual culinary conquest.  There’s an unattainable geisha whose lotus flower has not been plucked in many rice harvests.  It’s time to mix your Japanese fighting style with some Western flavor to make funky fusion food.  Assemble your fiercest weapon: APHRODISIACS and make your sensei proud.  Should you fail, you must perform hari-kari.  Now go get ‘em, you nasty ninjas! Read the rest of this entry »


CHASING YELLOWTAIL

September 5, 2012

Chase down that wet dream of yours!

I’ll be totally unoriginal and admit that I am a white man that loves the Asian ladies. The way they smell, their svelte bodies, their graceful ageing, their wiry pu…I’ll stop there. But unlike the majority of clichéd white boys chasing something exotic they’ve never tried, I actually started off my banging career with an Asian girl. My first girlfriend, and subsequently the girl who took my V card, was Thai. She told me her mother was Thai royalty, which I want to believe, but don’t quit buy since she drove a Hyundai. But it’s funnier saying I lost my virginity to a Thai princess. Regardless of royal lineage and dowry, this girl taught me well. Every lover who followed has benefited from her tutelage. The sad part is I started off with such a bang that many of the white girls that followed were boring by comparison. I am an equal opportunity banger, and get down with all colors of the rainbow. But part of me is still chasing those first tender, somewhat innocent moments with some choice yellowtail. This choice sashimi plate loved up by the ponzu sauce and fired up from the jalapeño slices should seal just about any Cook To Bang deal. Read the rest of this entry »