February 12, 2016
This dish love you long time!
The Cook To Bang classic recipe is back in time for Valentines Day. Few recipes are this effective at harnessing the power of gastrosexuality. The Japanese approach everything with perfection in mind from manga to ninjas to oral. Miso cod is no exception. It’s a little sweet, a little savory, and 100% banging. The tender fish breaks off into scrumptious flakes and is complimented by the steamed bok choy. The flavors battle on your tongue in a perfectly choreographed samurai duel. Your date will love you long time.
Total time: approximately 3 hours (mostly marinating fish)
Projected cost: $15
Drinking Buddy: Sake, beer or a dry white wine
Ingredients (for two):
1. ¼ cup of sake*
2. 1/3 cup of mirin*
3. ½ cup of sugar
4. ¾ cup of white miso paste*
5. ½ a lemon worth of juice
6. 2 tablespoons of soy sauce
7. 2 black cod filets*
8. 4 baby bok choys*
*all of these items are available at any Japanese/Asian market
On medium heat, boil the sake and mirin for 20-30 seconds until the alcohol cooks out. Add the miso paste and cook until the chunks dissolve into the liquid. Finally, mix the sugar in and cook until it dissolves. Set the pan aside and allow the miso sauce to cool.
If necessary, de-bone the fish fillets. Pat the fillets dry with a paper towel. Slather up the fish with the miso sauce so they are fully coated with miso goodness. Leave the fish in a bowl and cover with saran wrap. Allow the fish to marinate in the miso sauce at least 2½ hours (the longer it marinates, the tastier it will be).
When the fish is ready, preheat your oven to broil. Wipe off the excess marinade and place the fillets in a baking ban. Broil the fish until it the surface starts to brown. Remove the pan, and then preheat your oven to 400 degrees F. Throw the fish back in and cook 10-15 minutes longer.
While the fish is baking, steam the baby bok choy until the leaves wilt and turn bright green. Mix the soy sauce and lemon in a separate bowl and it toss the steamed bok choy. Serve the fish and bok choy artfully on the plate. Your date should be remarkably wowed.
February 5, 2016
Slap on that codpiece and eat some goddamn cod!
I generally don’t recommend being bashful and covering up your naughty bits. But for some reason it has been deemed socially unacceptable to prance around naked in public. So when social decorum outweighs your exhibitionist tendencies, you need to figure out a classy way to cover up. Bring on the codpiece! Your most shocking parts will be hidden from view, yet you will leave everyone guessing what you could possibly be packing. And that’s just where you want to be. Apply this same hidden package of awesome theory to the meal you serve to your date. Nothing packs quite a flavor wallop like this black cod dish I made as an afterthought. The task at hand was preparing MISO HORNY COD that has been dropping panties since 2003. But I had leftover cod that required my swift attention lest these beautiful cuts of fish go the way of slap bracelets. So my date the following night was given a rarefied chance to try something new and totally untested. This dish is what follows and thank god for that! Lord knows she was thanking god in her own lascivious way. Read the rest of this entry »
January 25, 2016
Enjoy the tsunami of edamame!
I don’t mind admitting I am a mama’s boy. Sure some conservatives might call me morally bankrupt. But I scoff at them because I still have a good relationship with my mother. She’s the one who taught me how to cook after all. Sure I may have taken the foundations of her teachings and used it to get girls out of my league to sleep with me. But isn’t that what innovation is all about? Take something simple like the act of cooking and run wild in a field or devious dandelions. That’s what I have done with edamame. Sure they taste great on their own, like nature’s candy. But I wanted to sex it up a bit. What better way to do that than smother them in aphrodisiacal flavor and roast them to perfection? Take it from this edamame’s boy; you will be happy you took my cue. Read the rest of this entry »
January 20, 2016
X marks the G-spot
Arrr! Ahoy, maties! I spot a hard body off the starboard bow! Land ho (or was that hos?)! We shall not rest until we collect all the doubloons in their pantaloons. Plunder everything you can before we make off into the night. We shall woo them with our finest spices traded from the far East. The healthier, shinier, and tastier the treasure, the better! If you don’t like your captain’s skullduggery, walk the plank!
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December 18, 2015
There's room for one more, three's never a crowd.
I don’t know about the rest of you, but I have a hard time saying no to a three-way. Even if that just means three-sided tofu treats, I’m down. So many good things come in threes. Comedy gold is done in trifecta. My favorite nights of carnal connections involved a third party. Clearly three is company and never a crowd. And what better way to ignite such an evening of exploration and fornication than with some edible treats? These tofu triangles are classy, sassy and won’t leave you gassy. Plus you can appeal to the free loving hippie in all of us by serving tofu. A little curiosity never hurt no one no how! Read the rest of this entry »
December 2, 2015
Poking around in the dark never tasted so good.
Aloha, hula girls! Kamana wanna laya. That is Hawaiian for, “Come over and I’ll make you dinner.” At least that’s what the tour guide tart said to me on a tropical rainforest walk. Being the unusual tourist with caustic wit is at least good for something. My lack of fanny-pack, Pearl Harbor commemorative t-shirt, and golf hat gave me away. Eager to get away from the family, and, do I really need a reason to jump into the car of an attractive stranger? This lickable local showed me the real Hawaii, including a real Hawaiian bar where my weak sauce knowledge of surfing lingo was mocked. Lucky for my fragile ego, she took me home after for the promised homemade meal. This babe had a badass blade and sliced up sashimi grade ahi tuna her friend caught that morning. I honestly can’t tell you what was better, the poke or the poking. Read the rest of this entry »
October 16, 2015
If you don’t like succulent food, you can suck it.
Can you slice a watermelon with a katana blade? Do you use nunchucks to pound out pizza dough? Can you catch a fly with chopsticks? Then you are a kitchen ninja. Clearly your rigorous training has paid off because your culinary concoctions are deadly delicious. You make the knuckleheads competing on Top Chef look like low-level samurai sous chefs. Now it’s time to drop a sake bomb in your home kitchen in the ultimate mission: sexual culinary conquest. There’s an unattainable geisha whose lotus flower has not been plucked in many rice harvests. It’s time to mix your Japanese fighting style with some Western flavor to make funky fusion food. Assemble your fiercest weapon: APHRODISIACS and make your sensei proud. Should you fail, you must perform hari-kari. Now go get ‘em, you nasty ninjas! Read the rest of this entry »
September 17, 2014
Even prissy vegans can indulge in this walk on the wild side.
Breakfast is the most important meal of the day. At least that is what nutritionists keep telling me. Perhaps these know-it-alls with their charts and lab coats and rosy cheeks are right. Filling your gullet with kickass nutrients prepares you for any crazy $%&@ thrown your way. Eat a solid breakfast and you will be able to catch a blimp on fire hurtling down to the earth with your pinkie finger. Sounds about right. So here’s an uber-healthy recipe with protein to the extreme with plenty of fiber and lycopene without that Fatty McGee you get with scrambling eggs. You will be prepared to stop a flamingo stampede heading straight for a bus full of kindergartners, or at the very least, Cook and Bang your date from last night like a superhero. Now you just have to work on your secret identity, you Sex Crazy Mofo! Read the rest of this entry »
February 24, 2014
Miso ready to get randy with these radishes!
Not to sound like a braggart, but I am so rad and shit. At least that’s what my neighbors’ teenage son told me when I explained the Cook To Bang method. This poor misguided kid figured wearing moppy hair and hipster pants that cut off circulation to his free will would get him chicks. ‘Fraid not, Fredo! The only thing that will make girls notice you is indifference and brash confidence. Once you have that, allow them to come over to your house, and wow the shit out of them with some food you happened to throw together. This kid has grown up watching my dinner guests leave the next the morning in the same clothes figured I might know what I’m talking about. So my young protégé has been putting my methods to the test. Now I’m starting to notice a series of girls coming in and out of his place after school while his parents are working. I might have created a monster. Hopefully his parents won’t blame me if he knocks one of these princesses up. One thing’s for sure, these radishes went from meh to rad and shit. Read the rest of this entry »
September 23, 2013
Soba So Lucky So Good
There are bad carbs and good carbs. Some good carbs can be great carbs with the right amount of sex appeal. We’re about to take what is already damn good for you and make it damn good for your culinary seduction game. Leave it to the Japanese to make noodles this banging on the healthy scale. They already brought us ninjas, sumo wrestling, and anime porn. No one should be surprised that their culinary innovations are as versatile as a geisha who goes from flower dancing to lap dancing. The addition of winter veggies creates an extra bonus like banging a hottie who can actually carry on a conversation other than shopping or sports. I think I’m in love, or just very hungry and horny. Either way, munch freely! Read the rest of this entry »