MÉNAGE À TOFU TRIANGLES

December 18, 2015
There's room for one more, three's never a crowd.

There's room for one more, three's never a crowd.

I don’t know about the rest of you, but I have a hard time saying no to a three-way.  Even if that just means three-sided tofu treats, I’m down.  So many good things come in threes.  Comedy gold is done in trifecta.  My favorite nights of carnal connections involved a third party.  Clearly three is company and never a crowd.  And what better way to ignite such an evening of exploration and fornication than with some edible treats?  These tofu triangles are classy, sassy and won’t leave you gassy. Plus you can appeal to the free loving hippie in all of us by serving tofu.  A little curiosity never hurt no one no how! Read the rest of this entry »


POKING SOME POKE

December 2, 2015

Poking around in the dark never tasted so good.

Aloha, hula girls! Kamana wanna laya. That is Hawaiian for, “Come over and I’ll make you dinner.” At least that’s what the tour guide tart said to me on a tropical rainforest walk. Being the unusual tourist with caustic wit is at least good for something. My lack of fanny-pack, Pearl Harbor commemorative t-shirt, and golf hat gave me away. Eager to get away from the family, and, do I really need a reason to jump into the car of an attractive stranger? This lickable local showed me the real Hawaii, including a real Hawaiian bar where my weak sauce knowledge of surfing lingo was mocked. Lucky for my fragile ego, she took me home after for the promised homemade meal. This babe had a badass blade and sliced up sashimi grade ahi tuna her friend caught that morning. I honestly can’t tell you what was better, the poke or the poking. Read the rest of this entry »


BANGSGIVING: RANDY CANDIED CARROTS

November 23, 2015

Getting randy with candied carrots is dandy.

Carrots are often overlooked as an unsexy, utilitarian vegetable. You might think the coolest thing to do with it is make a nose for Frosty the Snowman. Bully to that I say. Those suckers have never enjoyed the sweet, tender taste of a carrot candied to perfection. They have never used carrots as a side dish so sensational that the entrée looks like a chump.  Once they’ve felt their knees knock, toes curl, and eyes roll into the back of their head, they will never sully the good name of carrots again.  The beta-carotene alone helping you see your lover clearly in the dark should be reason enough.  It’s all about those sweet and savory flavors one-upping each other to give you the first of many oral orgasms.  Tongues spasming and dreamy eyes gazing are to be expected. This may not be the most appropriate Christmas dinner side dish considering these Randy Candied Carrots could inspire Grandma to discuss in detail her flings with jazzmen in 40’s nightclubs. But rest assured, you will be the much-lauded champ wherever you bring these.

Total time: approximately 40 minutes
Projected cost: $5
Drinking Buddy: Depends on the entrée, but tis the season for vino

Ingredients (serves 2):
1. 1 tbsp CALIVIRGIN olive oil
2. 1 bunch carrots
3. 1 dash salt
4. 1 dash black pepper
5. 1 dash cumin
6. 1/4 stick butter
7. 1 tbsp brown sugar
8. 1 cinnamon stick
9. 1 orange

Step 1
Preheat your oven to 350°F/175°C. Cut the ends off the carrots, wash them and set them in a baking pan. Drizzle with olive oil, salt and pepper. Roast until the carrots soften (approx 30 min).

Step 2
Halfway through the carrot roasting, melt the butter in a pan, adding the cinnamon stick. Peel or zest the orange so you have small slivers. Cut the orange in half. Throw the orange zest, brown sugar, cumin and orange juice in the pan and cook on low until reduce by half (approx 10 min).  Add the carrots and stir around in the candied glazy goodness (approx 10 min).

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IMPALE ‘EM WITH YOUR SWORDFISH

July 10, 2015
Careful, for this is one sharp swordsman of the sea.

Careful, for this is one sharp swordsman of the sea.

Alas, there is no escaping your fate.  We shall duel at dawn’s first light. You wrote your destiny when you insulted my honor.  By not partaking in the fine FINGER FOOD I prepared, nor acquiescing to my subtle seductions, I am forced to take things a might bit further.  So I have upped the ante of our rendezvous with an unstoppable thrust of nature.  This wicked weapon will pierce thy heart and expose thy loins.  There is nothing thou can do to hold me back from my urge for triumphant trolloping.  And to think my foes presume this dish to be anything but simple sensational seduction. En garde, I say! Read the rest of this entry »


WELL, HELLO! PORTOBELLO TACOS

January 28, 2015
I don't know why you say goodbye, I say, "Well, Hello! Portobello Tacos."

I don’t know why you say goodbye, I say, “Well, Hello! Portobello Tacos.”

Well, hello there!  Haven’t seen you around.  I would have noticed someone as fine as you.   What inspired you to come to my little part of the world?  No shit!  You came to see me?  You want me to cook to bang you?  Fair enough.  It’s just that I’m usually the one pursuing dates.  Nothing wrong with someone aggressive that knows what they want.  If it’s me you want, so be it. Wait, you’re vegan? Why?  Never mind. It won’t be a problem. So how about some Portobello mushroom tacos?  Glad you enjoyed them.  Shall we retire to the bedroom now?  Thanks for stopping by. Read the rest of this entry »


BANGO YOUR MANGO CHICKEN CURRY

December 15, 2014
This chicken curry will inspire you to bango like the tango.

This chicken curry will inspire you to bango like the tango.

This sexy dish was inspired by a mango chicken curry I had at an Indian restaurant in Sydney, Australia.  I’m not sure if it was the food or the beautiful waitress who served it to me, but something changed in me that day.  And I’m not just talking about the growth in my pants.  Mango and curry together unlock something primal.  Sweet, spicy and sensual.  You really can’t go wrong serving a date this…unless you accidentally spill the contents in their lap.  This happened to me.  But my date was more hungry than outraged so all was forgiven the moment she took her first bite.  I did have to dab up the mess on designer jeans.  But you form an intimate bond once you’ve cleaned curry off someone’s crotch.  Plus I removed my pants to make her feel more comfortable while her jeans were in the wash.  I’m empathetic like that. Read the rest of this entry »


SMACK THAT SEA BASS

May 9, 2014

Just say no to crack.  But say yes to smacking that sea bass!

Just say no to crack. But say yes to smacking that sea bass!

Did you hear that crack? That’s the sound of my hand against flesh? You know you love it. Denying it is as believable as a crackhead swearing the car stereo in his hand was a birthday gift. So just enjoy the pleasure this gives you like you would a massage with a happy ending. There’s no shame in indulging in life’s simple pleasures. Your date will no doubt agree when you let them taste a little of your thunder. That is, after they catch their breath. So bring the noise and don’t hesitate to smack this dish loud and proud. Read the rest of this entry »