October 16, 2015
If you don't like succulent food, you can suck it.

If you don’t like succulent food, you can suck it.

Can you slice a watermelon with a katana blade?  Do you use nunchucks to pound out pizza dough?  Can you catch a fly with chopsticks?  Then you are a kitchen ninja.  Clearly your rigorous training has paid off because your culinary concoctions are deadly delicious.  You make the knuckleheads competing on Top Chef look like low-level samurai sous chefs.  Now it’s time to drop a sake bomb in your home kitchen in the ultimate mission: sexual culinary conquest.  There’s an unattainable geisha whose lotus flower has not been plucked in many rice harvests.  It’s time to mix your Japanese fighting style with some Western flavor to make funky fusion food.  Assemble your fiercest weapon: APHRODISIACS and make your sensei proud.  Should you fail, you must perform hari-kari.  Now go get ‘em, you nasty ninjas! Read the rest of this entry »


July 4, 2015
Turkey turns me on, then turns me out.  Yeow!

Turkey turns ’em on, then turns ’em out. Yeow!

Hamburgers are not normally considered sexy, but they are a damn tasty staple of the American diet.  Turkey meat however is leaner, meaner and greener.   The protein does you right plus there’s less fat and twice the flavor when cooked right.  My thanks go out to the Native Americans for turning the Pilgrims onto this precious bird (sorry about taking your land and all).  The fire charring the meat empowers the caveman in every male chef.  The lady chef or date can enjoy this tasty piece of the American dream and not worry about the dish going straight to her thighs. When you bit into the center and find the goat cheese goodness, a choir of angels with trumpets shall inspire a tryst of the kinkiest order.  I tried a similar dish at a bourgeois New York restaurant priced somewhere upwards of $25.  The bill hurt my wallet, but my palette was well satisfied and my brain full of inspiration.  This summertime dish always leads to good times and enough erotic memories to last me through winter. Read the rest of this entry »


August 13, 2014
Shroom Shroom Ka'Boom!

Shroom Shroom Ka’Boom!

Feel that rumbling?  That’s not your stomach growling for something homemade and delicious.  It’s the sound of a dance party emanating from a sandwich, reverberating across the room and making everything turn raver-licious.  Close your eyes and you will see strobe lights.  Suddenly we are all wearing baggy pants again and dancing with glow sticks, blissfully unaware how ridiculous we look to anyone sober. Like we care, right?  It’s 1999 all over again and I know the DJ.  Think of this shroom burger as the ultimate disco biscuit.  It is so damn good, you feel like you are high on god knows what.  You will certainly appear more attractive to whomever you serve it to.  Now the two of you can shadow dance with your hands like epileptic classical music conductors.  Rave on ‘til the break of dawn! Read the rest of this entry »


June 23, 2009
Smelly fish in my belly.

Smelly fish in my belly.

I recognize that smell anywhere.  Every time she walks by me my nose piques up.  Yep, there she goes again.  Tuna fish patrol on the prowl.  Most guys are repulsed by pungent poonany.  But they don’t have the culinary kink you develop being surrounded by food.  People’s filthy minds wander to sex when they eat food with certain aromas.  My mind wanders to food when I’m banging someone emanating various aromas.  The fact the girl in question smells a bit fishy only made me hungrier for meat from the sea.  While my friends dissed the funky-scented hottie, I invited her over for tuna burgers.  My whole house smelled like tuna anyway so I couldn’t smell the difference when we went from Cook To Bang.

huge tuna burger prepTotal time: approximately 10 minutes
Projected cost: $3

Ingredients (serves 2):
1. 1 can of TUNA
2. ½ tbsp olive oil
3. Mayonnaise to taste
4. 2 hamburger buns
5. 2 green onions chopped coarsely
6. 1 small handful of cilantro chopped coarsely
7. ½ AVOCADO sliced thinly
8. ½ lime
9. 1 egg
10. ½ a Serrano CHILI diced finely

Step 1
Drain the tuna and mix it thoroughly with the green onions, cilantro, chilies and egg.
huge tuna burger mixStep 2
Form two burgers, pressing them together tightly.  Pan-fry the burgers in olive oil on medium heat, flipping once so both sides brown (approx 3 min per side).
huge tuna burger pat grill
Step 3
Assemble the burgers by toasting the buns, slathering them with mayonnaise and avocado.  Slide the tuna patties in, slap them together and slice in half.
huge tuna burger toast assemble
Serve them up solo, with salad or some TOTALLY SWEET POTATO FRIES.
huge tuna burger served 2

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