NEVER A BORSCHT IN THE SACK

December 17, 2014
Sexy commies gone vegan! Don't tell Stalin...

Sexy commies gone vegan! Don’t tell Stalin…

Hello, comrades!  I speak of course to the Russian women I have had the pleasure of.  There is something about that accent that brings up all my childhood Cold War fears and translates them into lust.  No doubt, their Soviet bloc childhoods taught them how to survive so they are as tough as they are hot.  Not a wilting flower in the bunch.  Banging someone tougher than you are can challenge your ego.  But I welcome the challenge since the payoff makes my babushka spin.  What better way to lure them in than the classic Russian dish, borscht?  This Commie red soup hits the spot and nourishes the people.  Even if your culinary conquest isn’t Russian, make them your comrade for the night.  I’m back in the USSR! Read the rest of this entry »


VEGAN VIXEN SOUP

November 10, 2014

I'm fixin' for a vixen!

I should have known better. Vegan girls are always trouble. And it’s not just because they are a pain in the ass to feed. There’s something kooky in anyone who limits their culinary possibilities so severely. Maybe they need to take a few classes at an online cooking school to learn that food is not the enemy. But the upside is the rarity of obese vegans. Harmony was certainly no exception. She’s yoga master flex, hence me taking an interest. Picking up one’s yoga instructor is a delicate dance. The last thing you want to do is crash and burn, too humiliated to return to a class you enjoyed. I overheard Harmony gab on about her vegan diet and the explosive orgasms she enjoyed as a result, so I rocked the vegan angle. Post-yoga vegan soup on a cold Sunday evening? Harmony was on it, and on me after she sucked down my soup. Home girl demonstrated yoga possibilities I had never even wet-dreamed of.  Now we have a regular Sunday Cirque du Vegan: I cook; she defies and gratifies gravity. Read the rest of this entry »


BUTTER-MY-NUTS SQUASH SOUP

October 3, 2014

Butterball butternut bust-a-nut

Cook To Bang is nothing without its readership. If a recipe helps someone bang in the woods and no one is there to film it, does it make a moaning sound? I’ll leave that to the philosophers far wiser than me to answer. A massive shout out is due to my man DJ JD of Ottawa, Canada for this recipe. Homeboy came through with a unique and outstanding recipe when I needed it most. I make a point of not dating vegans since they severely limit my palette. But this particular vegan’s beauty is outclassed only by her cheeky personality. Naturally, a classy specimen of humanity deserves a little leeway. So after racking my sex-addled brain for a vegan recipe, I found JD’s email and took it for a test drive. Hot damn! This butternut squash soup made both our heads spin with glee. The vegan vixen was more than pleased. If Cooking To Bang was an Olympic event, JD just won the gold. CUE “Oh, Canada!” Read the rest of this entry »


CHICKEN NOODLE SOUP FOR THE TAINTED SOUL

January 27, 2014

Chicken noodle soup to the rescue!

We all get sick from time to time. You would think that since I made a pack with the devil for success in my blogging efforts, I would never get sick. I thought the same thing. But then I took home a hottie with a cough. Turns out the one nightstand turned into a 1 week lay down in my bed. Don’t worry, it wasn’t swine flu. But I was unable to even text booty calls to service my aching body. So when I was strong enough to leave the house, I bought myself all the ingredients to make me healthy once more. Winging a traditional wholesome recipe, I created a soup that nourished me mind, body, and tainted soul. I was up and at ‘em by days end, ready to get back to my tomfoolery. Being the good Samaritan, I even delivered some soup to that sickened hard-body who infected me. Pish posh to those who say I don’t give back to the community! Read the rest of this entry »


CARNAL CARROT SOUP

October 10, 2011

During those cold winter months two things can keep you warm: a hot body and soup.  One can take care of the other.  Pick up the phone, comment how cold it is, and encourage your play pals over to warm their sexy bones with a bowl of soup and your charming ass.  Keep in mind that soup takes a little while, but also lasts a while so making a bunch never hurts.  Just multiply the recipe and you’ll have lunch for a week.  The ginger in this recipe is also great for fighting off sickness like the common cold or celibacy.

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SHROOM SHALAKLAK BOOM SOUP

April 1, 2009
Don’t forget to mushroom tip your waitress!

Don’t forget to mushroom tip your waitress!

Can you feel the rhythm?  It starts with your hips going back and forth like a metronome.  Feel it flow out to every point in your body.  You and your date are under the spell of the mushroom.  There is nothing either of you can do but let go.  Dance, fool, dance!  Your bodies will pulsate and writhe together.  The warm embrace of the soup will inspire you two to become as one…for a half hour or so.  It is for your benefit that you carry on.  This mystical culinary potion has no fat to speak of.  The natural flavor will cause your brain’s synapse to snap, crackle, and pop in a pleasure-filled frenzy.  My advice: Take advantage of this recipe while it remains 100% legal.  No doubt there is some buzz killer on the mission to make this soup contraband because it’s too sexy for their conservative closed minds.

Total time: approximately 30 minutes
Projected cost: $10
Drinking Buddy: Red red wine

shroom-shalaklak-boom-prepIngredients (serves 2):
1. 1 can of chicken broth
2. ½ cup of sherry
3. 1 tablespoon of olive oil
4. 1 teaspoon of salt
5. 1 leek
6. ½ pound of fresh shitake mushrooms
7. ½ pound of white mushrooms
8. 2 small handfuls of raw walnuts
9. 3 garlic cloves minced

Step 1
Wash off the leek, trim the edges off, spit it down the middle and chop coarsely.  Wash the mushrooms thoroughly and chop them coarsely.
shroom-shalaklak-boom-cut
Step 2
Heat up the olive oil in a stockpot on medium-high heat.  Sauté the garlic and leeks until the shrink down and become translucent (approx 3 minutes).  Add in the mushrooms, salt and sherry and cook the mushrooms down until they soften (approx 5 minutes).
shroom-shalaklak-boom-veggies
Step 3
Dump in the chicken stock, bring it to a boil, and then simmer the goodies covered with a lid on low until the mushrooms absorb the liquid (approx 15 minutes).  Gently puree the mushrooms, leaving some chunks intact.  Serve it up with a small handful of walnuts over each bowl.
shroom-shalaklak-boom-broth-puree-serve

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FRENCH KISS MY ONION SOUP

December 31, 2008

Taste me soup, Vive la France!

Taste my soup and Vive la France!

Voulez-vous coucher avec moi?  Yes indeed, mon ami.  But before we get down to the task at hand, let’s get some sustenance.  Oui?  You have to love those Frenchy frogs with their many culinary innovations.  The precision they employ to make their fabulous meals is unparalleled and has been turning us on for centuries.  Merci to that!  Who doesn’t love a bowl of French onion soup on a cold winter day?  The salty tang of the onions, the soggy French bread and stretchy cheese that always ends up on your chin.  My knees are knocking while I eat seconds as I write this.  Tres joleis!  This soup certainly stepped up to the plate of providing radical results.  My date was clearly impressed by the TLC put into it, but it was love at first bite.  Neither of us could finish the bowl due to the distractions of wine and spontaneous waltzing around the kitchen.  The first post-coital bite made me want to put on a beret and write post-modern poetry in French.  Sacre bleu!

Total time: approximately 1½ hours
Projected cost: $10 (gruyere cheese makes it costly)
Drinking Buddy: Wine of course, silly Yankee scum!

french-onion-soup-prepIngredients:
1. 1 teaspoon of salt
2. 2 tablespoons of olive oil
3. ½ cup of cooking sherry
4. 6 cups of chicken broth
5. ½ teaspoon of black pepper
6. 1 tablespoon of dried thyme (or 6 sprigs fresh)
7. 2 tablespoons of butter
8. 6 yellow onion chopped in long strips
9. French baguette cut into ½ inch slices
10. 8 ounces of Gruyere cheese (can substitute for Swiss)

Step 1
Heat a stockpot up on medium heat and melt the butter and olive oil with the salt.  Throw in the onions and mix them around.  Cook the onions until they reduce in volume and brown. (approx 20 minutes)
french-onion-soup-onion
Step 2
Pour in 2 cups of water into the onions and cook until the water evaporates, leaving the onions in a big brown clump.  (approx 10 minutes)  Pour in the sherry and repeat.  (approx 5 minutes)
french-onion-soup-water-sherry1
Step 3
Add the thyme and chicken broth.  On high heat, bring it all to a roaring boil, then reduce heat and simmer.  (approx 30 minutes)
french-onion-soup-thyme-broth
Step 4
Preheat the oven to broil.  Ladle soup into the small, deep bowls.  Place French bread slices on top of each soup.  Sprinkle the Gruyere cheese over each slice of French bread so they are covered evenly.  Broil the soups (approx 5 minutes), allow to cool (another 5 minutes), and then eat up.  Ooh la la!

french-onion-soup-cheese

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