Roasting a chicken is a lot like a slow, deliberate seduction: if you rush it you end up with cold meat and ecoli. But done right it should get you laid plus provide you with some kick ass leftovers for sandwiches, salads or right off the bone, in the fridge, drunk. This dish is hearty, proves you made the effort, and did I mention delicious? It’s mostly prep work, then you can slide in the oven, bump the Barry White and boom-chicken-wa-wa! Read the rest of this entry »
Hello, comrades! I speak of course to the Russian women I have had the pleasure of. There is something about that accent that brings up all my childhood Cold War fears and translates them into lust. No doubt, their Soviet bloc childhoods taught them how to survive so they are as tough as they are hot. Not a wilting flower in the bunch. Banging someone tougher than you are can challenge your ego. But I welcome the challenge since the payoff makes my babushka spin. What better way to lure them in than the classic Russian dish, borscht? This Commie red soup hits the spot and nourishes the people. Even if your culinary conquest isn’t Russian, make them your comrade for the night. I’m back in the USSR! Read the rest of this entry »
Dude! Did you see that ollie Mctwist I pulled over the rails? Totally sweet! Did you see how I walked right up to that blonde and got her number? Totally sweet! Did I mention I was able to Cook To Bang? Totally sweet! Did I tell you what I cooked to seal the deal? Totally Sweet Potato Fries! These oven-baked fries are seasoned to perfection and make a totally sweet starter, side dish or post-coital snack. The only thing you have to figure out which someone is worthy of making this stupid-easy dish for. Hmm… Read the rest of this entry »
Using your fingers is often the only way to go. No time for squeamishness when it comes to cooking to bang. Just spread them fingers wide and dive right in. Remember that your date will thank you after for your keen attention to details. Their oral pleasure zone isn’t going to satisfy itself. Fingerling potatoes are coming back in a big way. Some famous chef somewhere some how said something like, “Fingerling potatoes are now and very much it.” Just think how cool you will appear serving up a sensational side with the hottest carb in town. The fact that they resemble human fingers that you will be using to entice and engorge later is the popped cherry on top. So fingerbang away!
Ingredients (serves 2):
1. 1 dash sea salt
2. 1 dash black pepper
3. 2 tbsp balsamic vinegar
4. 2 tbsp olive oil
5. 1 dash thyme
6. 1/2 lemon
7. 1 sprig ROSEMARY
8. 3 garlic cloves chopped finely
9. 1 lb fingerling potatoes
Spread the marinated fingerlings on a small baking pan, laying the flat ends down. Bake the potatoes until they brown and can be forked easily with a fork (approx 25min), flipping halfway through cooking. Toss the roasted potatoes in the balsamic vinegar and serve.
Serve these fine carbs up with any number of meaty ENTRÉES.
Any alcoholic or drug addict will tell you that the first step in battling an addiction is to admit you have a problem. So let’s start there. I am addicted to aphrodisiacs. No judgments, right? The problem has become severe enough that I cannot function like a normal human being. Everything I cook seems to have one of these mood-altering, loin-enticing ingredients. The other day I made boring old scrambled eggs and I still had to smother it all in hot sauce and avocados. The girl I made it for who insisted I didn’t “sex it up as usual” was disappointed that I couldn’t just make something simple. She left shortly after explaining things weren’t going to work out. Good riddance to her. Granted she was trying to help me see my flaws, but damn it, it’s going to be on my terms. There has to be a happy medium where my every meal isn’t loaded with flavorful and healthy ingredients that cause chemical reactions leading to bigger libidos and more explosive orgasms. This breakfast is yet another example of me not being able to make a meal simple and earnest like something you would consume on an Amish farm. It’s a work in progress people so please tolerate the aphrodisiac overload in the meantime.
Total time: approximately 10 minutes
Projected cost: $5
Drinking Buddy: NOT-SO-TEENY WEENY BELLINI
Ingredients (serves 2):
1. 1 tbsp olive oil
2. 1 can BLACK BEANS
3. 2 dashes sea salt
4. 3 eggs
5. 1 can TUNA
6. 1 dash CAYENNE PEPPER
7. 2 green onions chopped coarsely
8. 1 sprig ROSEMARY
Drain the black beans and tuna cans. Sauté the beans and fish in olive oil, adding rosemary, cayenne pepper, and sea salt.
Crack the eggs over the mixture and cover with a pot top so they will cook from steam rising (approx 3 min). Add extra salt if you desire and crown with the green onions.
Some naysayers will claim that salmon is a boring fish to eat. So predictable, so typical, so uninspired. You have my permission to give them an atomic wedgie for believing they think outside of the box. These people haven’t left the box since slap bracelets were in. Salmon is only as boring as the chef cooking with it. Think of it salmon as a blank canvas for a painter or a mold of clay for a sculptor. You could just paint a still life or sculpt a symmetrical vase. But you could also create something groundbreaking that will shake the art world to its self-righteous core. Now translate that “fuck the norm” attitude to your culinary creations. Throw some flare into that fish and your night’s post-curricular activities will be rated for Mature audiences only due to nudity, sexual content and adult language. Violence will be notably absent.
Ingredients (serves 2):
1. 1 tsp of sea salt
2. 8-ounces of dry penne pasta
3. 3 tbsp of olive oil
4. 1 lb SALMON filet
5. 1 handful of sliced mushrooms
6. 1 onion chopped coarsely
7. 1 handful of fresh ROSEMARY
8. 2 garlic cloves chopped finely
9. 1 lemon halved
If you are grilling with charcoal, get the coals going. Marinate the salmon in 2 tbsp of olive oil, pluck the rosemary from the sprig and squeeze ½ the lemon over it.
Boil the penne al dente, seasoning the water with olive oil and sea salt (approx 10 min). While you wait for the pasta to boil, move onto Step 3. When the pasta is ready, drain and mix it in with sautéed veggies in Step 3.
Sauté the garlic and onion with the remaining olive oil on medium heat. Mix in the mushrooms and sauté it all with sea salt ½ tsp of salt until they are soft (approx 6 min).
When the charcoal or gas grill is ready, throw the marinated fish on. Pour the excess marinade over the fish and put on the lid. Grill until the outside of the fish whitens and the inside is a pinkish white (approx 5 min).