lettuce | Cook To Bang - Recipes To Get You Laid

Cook To Bang – Recipes To Get You Laid

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CHICKEN OUT YOUR PINEAPPLES SALAD

October 12, 2009

Peep perfect pineapples preferably perpetually!

That’s right. I’m peeping your pineapples. Is that a problem? Am I offending you by leering? I can’t help it if them apples are all that and bag of lettuce…that happens to be in my hand. I come correct when it comes to lunchtime fare. This is the perfect lunch you finally make Saturday afternoon after spending the whole morning nursing a hangover and an extended orgasm. Then again, it makes a pretty bodaciously badass dinner salad to serve with a light ENTRÉE. With greens, meats and fruit this good together, I’m sure you can let my lecherous ways slide just this once. And while we’re on the subject of sliding, slide on over this way so we can slip slide the night away. As a delicious side note: pineapple makes certain male fluids taste better. Just looking for the ladies (and a the fab fellas) with oral fixations.

Total time: approximately 10 minutes

Projected cost: $7

Drinking Buddy: PANTY DROPPING SHANDY

Ingredients (for 2):

1. 1 tsp red wine vinegar

2. 3 tbsp BBQ sauce

3. ½ tbsp CALIVIRGIN olive oil

4. 2 handfuls lettuce coarsely chopped

5. 2 handfuls pineapple cubed

6. 1 handful mozzarella shredded

7. 2 chicken breasts

8. 3 green onions chopped coarsely

Step 1

Create the dressing by pureeing 1 small handful of pineapple, red wine vinegar, olive oil, and BBQ sauce.

Step 2

Marinate the chicken with half the green onions and the BBQ sauce. Grill the chicken through with all of the BBQ marinade, flipping once (approx 2 min per side). Chop the chicken into bite-sized pieces.

Step 3

Assemble the lettuce, pineapple, green onions, chopped chicken and toss your salad with the dressing.

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Posted by cooktobang

WRAP THAT HIPPIE BURGER UP TIGHT

July 16, 2009

This wrap is both Sexy and environmentally friendly!

Calling all hippie hotties! They are few and far between. Most of these moonbeaming beauties’ looks have faded away like Jerry. Yoga and clean living have saved a few, not to mention the new recruits who haven’t become jaded by the man keeping them down. To those I merely say, “You hungry for some like totally dank organic yumminess?” Bring that free lovin’ attitude of yours and a bottle of something “heady”. I’ll crank some Dead bootlegs that I’ve been hording for just such trip down the hairy rabbit hole. Keep on keeping on down the road now. Take a wrap for the road you’ll be “Truckin’.”

Total time: approximately 15 minutes
Projected cost: $5
Drinking Buddy: SLUTTY TEMPLE

Ingredients (serves 2):
1. 2 handfuls lettuce chopped coarsely
2. 4 steamed BEETS chopped in rounds
3. 2 tbsp salad dressing (chef’s choice)
4. 2 burrito-sized tortillas
5. 2 veggie burgers
6. 1 small handful slivered almonds
7. 3 1 tomato chopped coarsely
8. 1 small handful or feta cheese.

Step 1
First grill or pan-fry the veggie burgers and cut them up with the spatula.

Step 2
Assemble the wrap in a long thin line across the tortilla laying out the lettuce, beets, tomato, almonds, feta cheese and veggie burger. Add any dressing or sauce.

Step 3
Wrap them up folding the tortilla a third of the way over, fold over the left and right ends, and roll it over the top. Cut the wraps in half.

Serve up the wraps solo or with some SOUP.

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Posted by cooktobang

SINFUL SALVATION SALAD

June 17, 2009

Eternal culinary salvation is at your fingertips.

Praise the Lor…no wait…praise the whores! May all the sinners of the world indulge without fear of reprisal from the cock-blocking conservatives. Who are they to say what body parts you can or can’t slather in salad dressing? Do my nipples smothered in Japanese miso dressing condemn me to eternal damnation? Alas, my conscience says NO! Fear not the reprisals from an angry God bent on you burning in hell fire with sharp pitchforks piercing your soft bum. Instead we must continue our hedonist ways for the sake of our fellow sinners. This salad is all about indulging without risking tainting your soul or your healthy diet regimen. So dig in and feel no shame. You are loved. Amen.

Total time: approximately 10 minutes
Projected cost: $7
Drinking Buddy: White wine or a PANTY DROPPING SHANDY

Ingredients (serves 2):
1. 1 chicken breast baked
2. 1 hard-boiled egg
3. Japanese miso dressing
4. 1 handful of dried cranberries
5. Lettuce
6. 1 tomato cut in wedges
7. ½ an AVOCADO sliced thinly

Step 1
Chop the lettuce into bite-sized pieces. Slice the hardboiled egg thinly. Cut the chicken into long strips.

Step 2
Lay out each plate in this order: lettuce, tomato, avocado, chicken, egg, cranberries and lastly Japanese miso dressing at your discretion.

Serve up without shame or fear of religious reprisal.

Leave a Comment » | RECIPES | Tagged: amen, aphrodisiac, atkins, avocado, bang, banging, chicken, cock-blocking, conservatives, delicious, DIY, dried cranberries, easy, eternal damnation, food, game changer, get laid, gourmet, guarantee, hardboiled egg, healthy diet regimen, healthy salad, hell, homemade, intercourse, Japanese miso dressing, kitchen, lettuce, libido, naked, praise the lord, recipe, seduce, sex, sinful salvation salad recipe, tasty, tomato, whores, yummy | Permalink
Posted by cooktobang

BREAK THE BEDFRAME SINWICH

December 10, 2008

: Slam that bed frame like you’ll Grand Slam your post-coital breakfast

Good god was last night off the chain. And this morning hasn’t exactly been a solemn day of Sunday school or the Sabbath either. Atonement is not an option, but chowing down is. Naturally after a long and fruitful roll in the hay you have both developed quite the appetite. You require the sustenance of protein and carbohydrates to keep you popping and locking into the afternoon. All hail eggs and their natural brain and libido boost! Scramble some of these bad boys up with some choice aphrodisi-tastic ingredients and you have yourself a full recharge. You may having a hard time choosing between this sandwich and your date’s naked body, but know in your heart of hearts that a patient chef can have both. Now hurry up and finish this dish! Your bed frame has an appointment with the wall and you have neighbors to disturb.

Total time: approximately 5 minutes

Projected cost for ingredients: $6

Drinking Buddy: Orange juice or mimosas if you’re feeling saucy

Ingredients (per sandwich):
1. 1 teaspoon of salt (if desired)
2. 1 tablespoon of olive oil
3. ½ tablespoon of mayonnaise
4. 1 small baguette
5. ½ an avocado
6. 1 slice of cheddar cheese
7. 3 pieces of bacon (turkey or veggie bacon cool)
8. 2 eggs
9. 2 green onions chopped coarsely
10. ½ handful of mushrooms
11. 1 handful of lettuce
12. ½ a tomato sliced

Step 1
Fry the bacon and set aside. Throw in the olive oil and grill up the mushrooms.

Step 2
Mix the eggs and green onions in a bowl, adding salt if desired. Pour the mixture over the mushroom and scramble as if your lover’s husband or wife just walked into the house. Crown the eggs with cheddar cheese and allow it to melt like the hearts of the opposite sex.

Step 3
Spread the mayonnaise on the top side of the split baguette. Place the bacon, lettuce, tomato and avocado into the bread’s open mouth. Finally stuff the eggs in, cut the sandwich in half and serve it to your date in bed before round 3. Hot sauce can throw a tasty curveball your way.