February 26, 2016
Epic fail?  Hardly!

Epic fail? Hardly!

There are few sure things in this world.  You can count on the sun rising, taxman finding you and herpes to come back with a vengeance.  But most promises of satisfaction guaranteed have so many disclaimers that it’s impossible to get your money back.  Even banging isn’t always guaranteed to wow when you sleep with a prude without the interest or skills to get your rocks off. My advice is to move on quickly from these cold fish in search of the flippier floppier variety.  One rare exception to the litany of disappointments is this healthy, tasty, morning-wood inducing dish.  You got your greens, protein and carbs working together to make you the sex machine of the hour.  If you do fail to inspire sexy time with this, you might just be a libido-less zombie.  You might want to get that checked out.

boiled kale breakfast prepTotal time: approximately 7 minutes
Projected cost: $7

Ingredients (serves 2):
1. 2 dashes of black pepper
2. 2 dashes of salt
3. 2 eggs
4. 2 slices of bread
5. ¼ AVOCADO sliced thinly
6. 4 handfuls of fresh kale

Step 1
Remove the stems from the kale and chop coarsely.  Throw in boiling water, cook until the kale turns bright green and softens (approx 5 min).
boiled kale breakfast chop boil
Step 2
Toast the bread and poach the eggs while the kale boils.
boiled kale breakfast toast poach
Step 3
Place boiled kale evenly between the two slices of bread.  Throw the poached egg on top and crown them with slices of avocado.  Add a dash of salt and pepper and voila!
boiled kale breakfast assemble
Serve up this healthy breakfast to your date in bed, before you get back to the business of banging.

boiled kale breakfast served 2

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January 4, 2016

steamed sesame kale servedI challenge even the healthiest crackpot ninny out there to call this dish fattening.  What you are looking at it is a plate turbo-charged with nutritional awesomeness. Do not let that sway you from indulging in this delightful treat.  Eating this uber-healthy dish is similar to sex: it feels good, yet is actually great for you.  The same can’t be said about crack cocaine or reality television.  Those vices are fun until you find yourself living in an alley mimicking the Hiltons, Hogans or Kardashians.  My advice is to stick to kale steaming and orgasm screaming. Read the rest of this entry »


February 26, 2014

Inhale my kale

This simple as sin noodle dish’s got everything. Want healthy green kale? You got it, bub, Feel like the tart of lime, a hint of Vietnamese with the fish sauce, maybe the tang of sun-dried tomato? Indoubely-deed. How about an aphrodisiac triple threat? Bim bam boom. That mean old Dr. Atkins will shake his immortal head in shame over the carbs, but in their defense, they are pretty light and airy. And that will come in handy when all the colors swirling around this healthy noodle dish spin you and your date off your feet and into bed. Feel free to watch the kaleidoscope in the air when you’re both lying panting, post-coital, feeling it. Read the rest of this entry »


December 7, 2009

It's important to catch up with old friends with benefits.

It’s always a trip banging someone you haven’t seen in a long while.  The experience seems so foreign, yet so familiar. You remember their curves, their scent, and that thing they do with their tongue.  There was definitely a reason that you once engaged in erotic research together.  A three-course meal that will require half the day to prepare isn’t in the cards with that much catching up to do.  In order to relive those misty watercolor memories of carnal connections, you should make something slamming that can be whipped up in a hurry.  This is the concoction I threw together when such an occasion occurred.  A long forgotten ex in town for business for a night was the lucky recipient of this accidental bang-de-force.  I sent home-girl to her sales meeting with a bounce in her step from a pleasant evening catching up with ketchup.

Total time: approximately 20 minutes
Projected cost: $5
Drinking Buddy: Red vino always

Ingredients (serves 2):
1. 2 dashes salt
2. 1 dash BASIL flakes
3. 2 tbsp CALIVIRGIN olive oil
4. 3 tbsp ketchup
5. 2 handfuls kale
6. 8-OZ spaghetti
7. 2 garlic cloves sliced thinly
8. 1 handful goat cheese
9. 1 small eggplant chopped coarsely
10. ½ apple sliced thinly

Step 1
Create the sauce by sautéing the garlic with olive oil.  Add the eggplant and a shot glass of water and cook until the water is absorbed (approx 3 min).  Throw in the apples, smother them in olive oil, then toss in the kale, spice with salt and basil and cook down the ingredients (approx 4 min).  Squeeze in the ketchup, mix around and slow simmer while you move onto Step 2.

Step 2
Salt the boiling water and cook the pasta al dente. Drain the pasta and add it to the pasta sauce and toss thoroughly.  Plate up the pasta and crumble goat cheese over.

Serve this up quick and get back to the thick.

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December 3, 2009

Each noodle is a thread of attraction sliding down their throat into their hearts.

Pasta was my love long before I appreciated the finer foods.  From the get-go, I slarped down cans of Chef Boyardee pasta letters, crazy for carbs.  You can imagine my frustration over the Atkins zombies ruining food for the rest of us. They don’t understand the rudimentary equation for health: balance of diet and exercise. Therefore their unhealthy dismissal of carbohydrates, the item most essential to early civilization development, makes the pasta pimp in me prep my hand for a bitch-slap.  Pasta gets me off.  It’s that simple. I need hearty fuel to keep me charging ahead when it’s cold and miserable outside.  How else am I going to keep myself charging through the day and make it through to another exhausting evening of cooking to bang?  There are too many hearts to break to get weak and mopey due to lack of premium gas pasta power. Your date will be equally stoked for the hearty comfort…unless they are an Atkins freak. Those folks are more likely to smothers their bun-free burger in cow’s blood and howl at the full moon.  FYI- Werewolves are hot in the sack, but my doctor says the claw marks dug into my back will probably scar.  Let this be a warning to Cook To Bang’s Team Jacob readers.

Total time: approximately 20 minutes
Projected cost: $7
Drinking Buddy: Red wine, sucka! Lots of it.

Ingredients (serves 2):
1. 2 tbsp CALIVIRGIN olive oil
2. 1 28-OZ can of crushed tomatoes
3. 1 kale bunch
4. 1 radish bunch with stalks/leaves
5. 1 tsp parsley flakes
6. 2 dashes salt
7. 2 sausages chopped into bite-sized pieces
8. Parmesan to taste
9. 2 garlic cloves sliced thinly
10. ½ lb whole wheat spaghetti

Step 1
While the spaghetti boils, complete steps 2 & 3. Once al dente, drain and mix in the complete sauce and crown with Parmesan, as you like.

Step 2
Wash the radishes, chopping the stocks and leaves into smaller pieces. Cut off the ends of the radish and slice into bite-sized rounds. Wash the kale too and cut into smaller pieces.

Step 3
Sauté the garlic and radishes in a stockpot until they soften (approx 5 min).  Add the radish leaves and kale and cook until they wilt like spinach (approx 3 min).  Push the sautéed veggies to one side and sauté the sausages until they brown (approx 3 min).  Pour in the tomato can, using a blunt object to pulverize them even further.  Spice the sauce with salt and parsley flakes, slow simmer until the pasta is ready, and then go back to Step 1.

This heartiest of hearty pastas goes great with GARLIC (MY BALLS) BREAD. More carbs, yay!

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November 4, 2009

csa box closed open

Your box of tasty wet dreams awaits!

Community Supported Agriculture boxes make all my cooking and banging possible.  More importantly, it makes it affordable.  This is in no ways sponsored.  Payola is not going on, although to tell you the truth, selling out so I can fill a hot tub full of vodka-infused Jell-O sounds pretty good right about now.  I just want to get the word out to all you food lovers looking to avoid auctioning off your organs to afford shopping at Whole Foods.  That place is a food strip club with a “don’t touch the girls” vibe.  I’ve dropped more ducats in that store than I have on strippers, booze and other illicit contraband combined.  As a food whore, it was totally worth it.  But I’ve found an alternative:

I pay online ahead of time for a magical box that gets delivered to my local market.  When I pick it up and take it home, I act like a giddy 80’s schoolgirl who finally got her autographed New Kids on the Block poster.  What’s in the box varies week to week and never disappoints.  It’s all local organic, seasonal, top-shelf produce that challenges me to create new recipes I throw on the site.  Creating up with 5 new recipes every week can be= challenging.  Luckily the CSA box makes decisions for me.  I dropped $15 on this box and here’s what I found in it:

csa box contents1. 1 pumpkin
2. 1 spaghetti squash
3. 2 eggplants
4. 1 cilantro bunch
5. 1 BASIL bunch
6. 1 kale bunch
7. 1 chard bunch
8. 3 petit pan squash
9. 2 summer squash
10. 2 yellow squash
11. 4 globe squash
12. 2 zucchini
13. 1 BEET bunch
14. 1 sugar snap pea pile

Your kidney and half your liver would be allocated to a wealthy Swiss industrialist if you bought the same goods at Whole Foods.  But now you have a heap of amazing produce to turn into magnificent meals to seduce any number of sexy prospects.  You’re already saving cash not taking your dates to restaurants. Imagine how much more you could save and then spend on booze and lube!

Below are some COOK TO BANG recipes directly inspired by what I found in this Foodie’s Pandora Box:
















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