February 29, 2016
French your breakfast and your date will be Frenching you
Holy shit, it’s a leap year! That means paradox like the English and French getting along. Some say the English need to loosen up. They walk around with their quiet desperation eager to break out of their shells and become the wild men and women that would make their ancestors gasp. This tends to happen whenever limeys leave the UK and travel to exotic locales. Ibiza…nuff said. Perhaps a little French Laissez-faire is just the ticket. So alas, I have employed a little French to make the sexiest English muffin you ever did eat. It was pure accident and the girl I made it for wasn’t even English or French for that matter. But with no bread in sight and my sweet tooth demanding tribute be paid, I made do. I’m sure glad I didn’t have bread because I was down to French these English muffins all morning. My date from the previous night was confused, thinking it a tad early in our affair for me to make proclamations of love. I didn’t have the heart to tell her I was speaking to my breakfast. But then she took a bite and the love fest continued well into the afternoon.
Total time: approximately 12 minutes
Projected cost: $5
Drinking Buddy: NOT-SO-TEENY WEENY BELLINI
Ingredients (serves 2):
1. ¼ cup milk
2. ½ cup maple syrup
3. ½ teaspoon vanilla extract
4. 2 dashes cinnamon
5. 2 eggs
6. 2 English muffins
7. 1 banana
8. 1 tbsp butter
9. 1 handful raisins
Create the batter by whipping up the eggs, cinnamon, vanilla extract and milk.
Split the English muffins in half and submerge them in the batter. Heat up a pan or griddle on medium heat and grease it with the butter. Throw the soaked English muffins on the pan all together and pour the excess batter over. Cook each side until it browns and flip (approx 3 min per side).
While you are Frenching the toast, create the extra awesome syrup. Heat up the syrup in a small bowl, chop the banana into bite-sized pieces and toss them in with the raisins. Cook until the syrup boils and the bananas brown slightly (approx 2 min). Serve over your sexed up English muffins and hold on for dear life.
Serve this breakfast knowing full well that you could swim across the English channel, bridging that cultural gap.
May 18, 2015
This egg dish brings out the whore in anyone.
Who said breakfast can’t be quick, cheap and gourmet? These purveyors of untruths are likely terrorists or, at the very least, buzz kills. Ignore these fools for they know not what they say. Prepare to class up the morning after tainting it with unmentionable activities that would make the church ladies blush. Eggs Whorentine to the rescue! It’s got all the sexiness of Eggs Benedict, but with the spinach power of Popeye. Let your breakfast speak for itself when you have a sleeping beauty in your bed. Sure she/he is eager for you to report for duty, but damnit, you just gave them good loving and need a recharge. That’s where the protein in the eggs, carbohydrates of the English muffin and the famed Popeye power of spinach keep you going long and strong. Your first bite will send steam out of your ears and you’ll both be off for the next round and round. Toot toot! Read the rest of this entry »
February 25, 2015
Make sure they’re on their knees begging before serving them what they want.
They’ll beg and beg and beg. Let them. It’s only natural. They want what you got. Basic law of supply and demand. Make like OPEC fixing the price of your commodities. Make outrageous demands they have no choice but to meet. It’s not like they can go elsewhere. Right? You’re wondering about alternative sources of sexual energy? Ha! There is no substitute for the man tested, woman approved real thing. 4 billion years of Earthlings banging can’t be wrong. So embrace the goods granted to you by God, evolution or your preferred “Where did we come from?” dogma. Now make them beg long and HARD. Afterwards, serve them breakfast as a reward for the respect shown. Read the rest of this entry »
September 25, 2014
It will melt in your mouth, your date will melt in your hands.
You know you’re in for a wild ride as soon as this melty concoction hits the tip of your tongue. The first bite should make it clear that you ain’t eating your grandmother’s sandwich. No siree! We’re talking about the next step in culinary evolution. Combining fruit, meat and cheese on bread was the inevitable next step in tasty temptations. Sure you could just make a tuna melt that would put your date to sleep long before you can lay the mack down. But why not just stick your genitals in the freezer? You won’t be needing those anyway. Our world of convenience and innovation demands that you take a few extra steps to get what you REALLY want. This sandwich will only take you a few extra minutes, which will be paid for in dividends when you are reclined, sweaty and gasping for air. This kiwi melt should melt resistance and clothes right off. What are you waiting for? Make New Zealand proud! Read the rest of this entry »
September 21, 2009
Can you fig it? Yes you can! Can we fig it? Yes we will!
As long as you can fig it, we can dig it! At least that’s what Eve told me when I crashed a party at the Garden of Eden. It was a pretty epic throw down with animals of paradise serving up all manner of hors d’oeuvres from the bountiful fruit found in the garden. God was DJ’ing, digging in his crate of music not-yet-invented to keep the party hopping. The best part was that everyone was naked, unaware that their hot bodies were meant to cause them shame. Adam was too busy discussing his odd mass of body hair around his pubic region with my wingman the snake to notice that I had led Eve away to fix her up some food of biblical awesomeness. I gathered all the goods throughout the garden and slapped it together. Did you know English muffins grew on trees before Original Sin? Eve was all about it and more than down to commit sins not yet documented. Post-coital, totally out of breath, Eve was hungry once more. I was on my way out, but my man the snake that just whooped Adam’s ass in a nectar-drinking contest, tossed her an apple as we vanished into history once more.
Total time: approximately 7 minutes
Projected cost: $8
Drinking Buddy: SAN-GRAB-YA SANGRIA or holy water (just add vodka)
Ingredients (serves 2):
1. Mayonnaise (or your favorite condom-ment)
2. ½ AVOCADO sliced thinly
3. 1 green onion chopped coarsely
4. 1 English muffin
5. 1 tomatoes sliced thinly
6. 4 FIGS sliced thinly
7. 1 small handful fresh BASIL
Split the English muffin in half and toast it. Spread a little mayo or the condom-ment that gets you the wettest. Add green onion, tomato, avocado and crown it all with some kick ass figs.
Serve it up to your date and commence with some original sin!