December 14, 2015
Man goes where the mangos flow and the seafood knows
You can almost hear the steel drums and kinky Reggae when you slurp this sexy take on a Caribbean classic. It takes a little work to harness the flavors, but trust me when I say it’s well worth the time (hint hint). Shrimp mango bisque is both nutritious and loaded with aphrodisiacs that will put you on the path to gratification. The sweet taste of mango compliments the spices; the shrimp are just begging to soak in the sweet and spicy flavor bursts. My first encounter with this dish was at Club Med in Turks and Caicos as a child rather clueless as to why the adults danced so closely together after a downing a bowl. Perversity and ingenuity have since led me to honing the recipe to what you see before you. SMACK MY BISQUE UP has become a reliable go to dish that brings that Caribbean sunshine to my kitchen and bedroom even in the dead of winter. Go on, make Bob Marley proud!
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aphrodisiac, APHRODISIACS ANONYMOUS, Caribbean, fusion, HOT LIQUID LOVE, RECIPES, seafood, spicy | Tagged: aphrodisiac, bang, bisque, bob Marley, Caribbean, chili, cilantro, delicious, easy, flavor, from scratch, game changer, garlic, get laid, gourmet, guarantee, intercourse, island, kinky, kitchen, mango, naked, onion, paprika, peppers, plantain, post-coital, romance, seafood, SEDUCTION, sex, shrimp, Shrimp mango bisque, soup, spicy, turmeric, yummy | 
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Posted by cooktobang
August 21, 2015
The Lady and the Trampy Scampi
I used to stamp my little feet as a child when someone called me a shrimp. It drove me batty that I wasn’t a “big kid”. Time changes everything. Call me a shrimp as an adult and I’ll thank you, and then fantasize about buttery, garlicky goodness. I am the first to admit that I’ll get trampy for shrimp scampi. A note to the ladies: you too can put a man like myself under your spell with this dish. There’s something amazing about cooking shellfish in this velvet sauce that grants the chef the power of mind control. It’s been that way ever since I stole the recipe from a heavily guarded underground vault in Switzerland. Sure I am wanted by Interpol, but I did it all for you, dear reader. Who loves ya? Read the rest of this entry »
1 Comment | aphrodisiac, APHRODISIACS ANONYMOUS, french, italian, IT’S ON!-TREES, RECIPES, seafood | Tagged: aphrodisiac, bang, butter, buttery, delicious, DIY, easy, entree, fast, fish market, flavor, flavorful, game changer, garlic, garlicky, get laid, gourmet, green onions, guarantee, homemade, intercourse, kinky, kitchen, lemon, naked, parsley, recipe, salt, seafood, seduce, sex, shrimp, Shrimp scampi recipe, simple, slut, tasty, tramp, trampy, white wine, yummy | Permalink
Posted by cooktobang
July 14, 2015
I see you poking around my business. You could at least buy me dinner first. Or better yet, cook for me! Make me some Italian comfort food and I might just put out. No promises though. You still have to woo me. But just want to put it out there that poking my piccata is a possibility. Just play it cool and don’t act a fool. Behold this simplified and slightly healthier version of the chicken piccata that takes all of 20 minutes to whip up for who ever is down. This recipe was born after a particularly exhausting round of bedroom acrobatics that left my tantric trapeze partner and I famished. I recreated my favorite piccata dish from my childhood using repressed memories and innovation. Thank god for those frozen chicken breasts stuck to the bottom of my freezer. That protein boosted me back into top form for another round of aerial maneuvering around the bedroom. To this day, I have no idea why there are clowns and a lion tamer in my bedroom. I’m not THAT kinky! Read the rest of this entry »
2 Comments | IT’S ON!-TREES, RECIPES | Tagged: bang, breadcrumbs, capers, chicken, chicken breast, chicken piccata, Chicken piccata recipe, chicken stock, delicious, dijon mustard, DIY, easy, flavor, game changer, get laid, gourmet, guarantee, healthier version, homemade, intercourse, italian, Italy, kitchen, lemon, Mediterranean, naked, olive oil, paprika, parmesan cheese, parsley, pollo, poultry, quick, recipe, romantic, salt, seduce, sex, take to bed, tasty, yummy | Permalink
Posted by cooktobang
July 1, 2015
When your date says “Oh!” you say “Yeah!”
Oh boy! Oh man! Oh god! Oh-oh-oh-oh-oh (to NKTOB groove)! These are just some of the many reactions I have heard to making oatmeal CTB style. We’ve all eaten instant oatmeal, mostly during childhood, although some of us (my friends know who I speak of) still gobble that shit up. But what about the rest of whose taste buds haven’t matured beyond a 6-year-old, their fingers stained with Kool-Aid? Oatmeal can be something other than a bland exercise in self-restraint. But why not have the best of both worlds? Nutrition and flavor can still give each other lap dances with the right amount of TLC. And that’s what this recipe is all about. Here’s to the one sleeping in your bed who’s waking up to a big surprise. Expect them to be smiling like a donut. Read the rest of this entry »
1 Comment | aphrodisiac, APHRODISIACS ANONYMOUS, dairy, healthy, MORNING WOOD, RECIPES, vegetarian | Tagged: aphrodisiac, bananas, bang, banging, boil, brown sugar, butter, cinnamon, delicious, DIY, easy, flavor, food, game changer, get laid, gourmet, gourmet oatmeal, guarantee, healthy, homemade, honey, instant oatmeal, intercourse, kitchen, kool-aid, lap dances, libido, melt, milk, mix, naked, new kids on the block, nktob, nutrition, o-face, o-faced oatmeal recipe, oats, oh-faced, raisins, recipe, seduce, SEDUCTION, sex, smile like a donut, syrup, tasty, tlc, vegetarian, yummy | Permalink
Posted by cooktobang
June 19, 2015
You say Menudo, I say Backstreet Boys, Serve them up at 98 Degrees
What’s the first thing you think of when I say MENUDO? You probably are thinking about a crappy Latin boy band from the 80’s. This is truly unfortunate. You are letting outdated pop culture byproducts cloud your judgment. Let me educate you unfortunate souls on menudo mix. This simple Mexican blend of herbs and spices (oregano, crushed red pepper flakes, onion powder, cumin, and onion powder) can take some dishes from bueno to AY CARUMBA! Like Ricky Martin’s career, this is certainly the case with this dish. Shrimp have the glorious ability to absorb almost any flavor into its awesome texture. Keep them in their shells and you will have flavor to spare. You just have to bring the same amount of flare into the bedroom as Menudo brought on stage for the millions of 80’s teenage girls in their neon leggings and jelly shoes. I have faith in you. So next time you think about Menudo, eat without prejudice. Read the rest of this entry »
8 Comments | aphrodisiac, APHRODISIACS ANONYMOUS, GRILLIN’ LIKE A VILLAIN, healthy, mexican, RECIPES, seafood, spicy | Tagged: 80’s, Antoine, aphrodisiac, atkins, bang, boy band, cumin, delicious, DIY, easy, flavor, game changer, get laid, gourmet, Grilled shrimp recipe, grillin' like a villain, guarantee, homemade, intercourse, jelly shoes, kitchen, leggings, lemon, menudo mix, menudo shrimp recipe, mexican, mexico, naked, neon, olive oil, onion powder, oregano, recipe, red pepper, Ricky martin, salt, seafood, seduce, sex, shrimp, south beach diet, tasty, yummy | Permalink
Posted by cooktobang
February 16, 2015
This recipe will self-destruct in 10 seconds…after you bang like a champ!
These potatoes are not unlike Inspector Gadget’s self-destructing mission assignments. But instead of them blowing up and you get saliva across your face instead of soot. These bad boys pack a walloping 1-2-3 punch of tasty, decadent flavor. They are not for the pantywaists concerned about too much flavor overwhelming the subtlety of the evening. Not on my watch! Like Inspector Gadget, and really his dog Brain who did everything, I am working with a shadowy government organization seeking to rid the world of flavor. That is where these potatoes come in. It’s our secret weapon against those who would remove any remnants of toe-curling pleasure you could eke out of dining. If we let them win now, who’s to say what they could next. Soon enough they’ll be taking away our love of banging! Glenn Beck should be all up in their tits. Who’s the real American hero now, crybaby? Read the rest of this entry »
Leave a Comment » | carboluscious, CARBS WORKIN’ THE CORNER, irish, RECIPES, vegetarian | Tagged: bake, bang, banging, black pepper, Brain, butter, cheese, crybaby, dairy, delicious, DIY, dr. claw, easy, explosion, flavor, food, fox news, game changer, garlic, get laid, glenn beck, gourmet, guarantee, homemade, Inspector Gadget, intercourse, kaboom, kitchen, libido, milk, mini potatoes, mission, naked, oral, oral tater-splosions, parmesan, pleasure, real American hero, recipe, salt, seduce, SEDUCTION, self-destruct, sex, shadowy government organization, soot, tasty, toe-curling, yummy | Permalink
Posted by cooktobang
July 25, 2013
Roast them, eat them, do not fear them
Title translation: “Tomatillos for my friends with benefits”. Cook To Bang firmly stands behind our willingness to reach out and touch the sexy people of all nations and languages. I’m not only a representative of international culinary seduction, I’m also a client. Hence the multinational recipes, which truly give you BANG for your buck. Tomatillos are a piece of produce too often overlooked. No doubt, I have walked past them in my local bodega wondering, “What’s with those green tomato thingees wrapped in their own leaves? I shall deny their existence just as I deny that there is an alien living in my basement that watches reality TV all day. Sorry, Roger.” Luckily I managed to break down my fear of the unknown because I had a date coming over who had already tried a good portion of my edible arsenal. So on a hope and a prayer to one of Roger’s alien gods, I got down to business and made up something random, loading it with surefire aphrodisiacs. Wouldn’t you know it, my date was rather impressed with my latest efforts and showed it via some new moves she learned watching Animal Planet. We may have freaked Roger out with our inhuman grunts, but he’s a guest in my house. So tough titties, you alien freeloader! Read the rest of this entry »
3 Comments | aphrodisiac, APHRODISIACS ANONYMOUS, FINGER FOOD FOREPLAY, mexican, RECIPES, spicy, vegan, vegetarian | Tagged: alien, aphrodisiac, appetizer, bake, bang, bodega, cayenne pepper, delicious, easy, finger food, flavor, game changer, get laid, gourmet, guarantee, hands off, honey, intercourse, kitchen, mexican, mexico, naked, not salsa tomatillo, olive oil, oven, reality TV, recipe, roast, Roasted tomatillo recipe, roger, romance, salt, SEDUCTION, sex, simple, spicy, spicy tomatillo recipe, tasty, tomatillos, vegetarian, yummy | Permalink
Posted by cooktobang
August 30, 2010
That no good tart tastes too good
What a filthy, no good tart! Strutting itself around unpeeled and sweet to a fault. You’d think this tart would have more manners being of European stock. But clearly all it wants to do is lay about and put itself in any mouth it can find. No doubt, this apple has fallen very far from the tree. But I suppose you think I should just cut it some slack, right? Just let it go while it tarts around on any available plate, being passed around like a marijuana joint at some hippie love orgy? I say hell no! The only solution I have is to cool its jets. I’ll use the only thing I have in my arsenal. Ice cream! That’ll teach it to be so sweet, seductive and bad for me. Just to prove to you I am the bigger man, I’ll take one bite to show the rest of you how to be disciplined. See? One bite and I can say no…all right two bites. Three. Screw it! I’m taking the rest of the tart into my bedroom. But I’m not going to enjoy it! Seriously. I’m eating the rest for it’s own good. Let that be a lesson to the rest of you! Read the rest of this entry »
1 Comment | french, RECIPES, SWEET TEMPTATIONS, vegetarian | Tagged: a la mode, addictive, apple pie, bang, butter, caramelized apples, delicious, dessert, DIY, easy, European, flavor, France, french, game changer, get laid, gourmet, guarantee, homemade, ice cream, intercourse, kinky, kitchen, marijuana joint, naked, orgy, pastry puff, recipe, seduce, sex, slut, sugar, sugary, sweet, Tart tartin recipe, tasty, tawdry tart tartin, tree, yellow apples, yummy | Permalink
Posted by cooktobang
October 23, 2009
Double trouble looking for a piece of that bubble!
You know the deal. Society tells us to behave, to color within the lines, to speak when spoken to. That’s all well and good if you’re a eunuch. But what about those of us with a spine flowing with spunk? We’re not just going to lie down and endure our master’s cruel, but fair beatings for stepping out of line. No bloody way! We are our own masters and being as such, we color way outside the lines and even off the page. That’s why we Cook to Bang and not Cook to Cuddle. So whose to say a tofu stir-fry has to marinate in apologetic afterthought? Why not be bold with that palette so it grabs your date’s collar and shake them, screaming, “I’m an interesting person!” Glad you see it my way. Now stir up some trouble with that healthy meal of yours.
Total time: approximately 20 minutes
Projected cost: $7
Drinking Buddy: Kombucha or some dank, heady beer, bra
Ingredients (for two):
1. 1 tbsp CALIVIRGIN olive oil
2. 1 tbsp peanut butter
3. 1 tbsp soy sauce
4. 1 tsp Sriracha Hot CHILI Sauce
5. ½ onion chopped coarsely
6. 1 handful parsley chopped coarsely
7. 1 tofu block
8. ½ lime quartered
9. 2 garlic cloves sliced thinly
Step 1
Cut the tofu block into bite-sized pieces. Toss with soy sauce, Sriracha and limejuice and marinate (approx 15 min).
Step 2
Sauté the garlic and onions in olive oil until they become translucent (approx 3 min). Add the peanut butter and stir until in melts into the onion. Throw in the tofu with the marinade and sauté along with the parsley until the tofu softens (approx 5 min).
Squeeze limejuice over it and serve solo or with some RICE.
Leave a Comment » | aphrodisiac, APHRODISIACS ANONYMOUS, asian, Chinese, fusion, RECIPES, vegan, vegetarian | Tagged: bang, banging, bloody, calivirgin, chili sauce, cook to cuddle, cruel, delicious, DIY, easy, eunuch, fast, flavor, food, game changer, garlic, get laid, gourmet, guarantee, healthy, hippie, homemade, intercourse, kitchen, libido, lime, marinate, naked, olive oil, onion, parsley, peanut butter, recipe, seduce, SEDUCTION, sex, soy sauce, spicy, sriracha, stir fry, tasty, tofu, tofu stir-fry recipe, vegan, vegetarian, veggie, yummy | Permalink
Posted by cooktobang
Cook To Bang - Recipes To Get You Laid 