ROAST THE CHOKE, BLOKES!

April 5, 2013
The roastest with the mostest!

The roastest with the mostest!

It’s a damn shame how many people fear the artichoke. On the surface, it’s an intimidating vegetable. The spiky leaves that could kill a man certainly don’t help. Neither does the complicated center that is pretty, but inedible. But alas, once you get past all that superfluous nonsense, you got yourself an aphrodisiac that tastes like you broke off an angel’s wing and dipped it in wasabi. The texture alone should sell you on this magnificent gift from the food gods. Plus we’re talking finger food here. That means you can hand feed your date, fostering an intimacy you can later exploit. While you wait for the artichoke to roast, you can whip something equally awesome up or just waltz your date around the kitchen like a ballerina. Now be brave, be bold and buy yourself some artichokes! Read the rest of this entry »


SPAGHETTI SQUASHER SHOCKER SALAD

March 13, 2013
spaghetti squash salad served

Give ’em a good talker before giving ’em a shocker!

You could almost call this the “shocker” of salads.  There you are serving your date up some salad and they’ll assume it’s some sort of noodle salad.  Ha!  You will laugh uproariously when you inform them this gluten and low-carb salad ain’t got none of that noise.  We’re talking healthy to the point of being almost impossible to fathom.  How could a salad taste so freakishly awesome with a texture akin to licking an angel’s naught bits?  Unfortunately for you, my lawyers have informed me that these are trade secrets.  But I fought back and insisted in at least giving out the recipe to my readers. So COOK TO BANG in good health knowing that somewhere out there you have a digital chef wingman looking out for your baser needs. Who loves ya? Read the rest of this entry »


FORBIDDEN TANGO ROAST MANGO SALAD

August 21, 2011

Wango tango bango mango

Some dances are forbidden for good reason. Most people don’t want Pandora’s box open. All the yeah yeahs get out and inspire naughty behavior. For the average church-going type, this mindset is justifiable. But the act of reading this website puts you in the OTHER category with the greatest minds of any time. We question the status quo. So why wouldn’t you dance a dance considered morally bankrupt if it makes you feel good? That is merely their misguided opinion based on an unbendable worldview. But not you, dear reader. Have at it! This salad shall inspire you to dance with your partner in ways that will make them gasp, while onlookers blush. To hell with the haters who just can’t hang with your self-expression! You’re too busy throwing down with every last bit of lusty passion anyhow. Now sashay already!

Total time: approximately 30 minutes
Projected cost: $5
Drinking Buddy: White wine or a BANGARITA

Ingredients (serves 2)
1. 2 massive handfuls field greens
2. 1 tbsp CALIVIRGIN olive oil
3. 2 tbsp CALIVIRGIN balsamic vinegar
4. 2 tbsp HONEY
5. 1 mango

Step 1
Preheat your oven to 350°F/175°C.  Slice the mango on either side of the pit. Cut checkerboard slices into the mango meat, pour in half the honey and balsamic vinegar, and rub it in. Throw the mango halves into a oven safe plate or pan and roast until the meat softens and absorbs the flavor (approx 25 min). Scoop out the mango slices, rubbing them into the sauce.

Step 2
Combine the olive oil, and remaining honey and balsamic vinegar, stirring it into a dressing.

Step 3
Toss the field greens, mango, and dressing. Serve up with a delectable SINWICH and you are golden.

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ROASTED TITS & ASS-PARAGUS

January 27, 2010

T&A is easy as pushing play on your CTB Music Mix

T&A is what every straight dude seeks when they CTB. Pull it off right and all will be revealed. The important thing is not to rush it or appear too eager. Naturally, in an era where we want what we want now and quit wasting my goddamn time, it’s hard to exercise restraint. But a smooth seduction is like roasting asparagus. Let it happen. The last thing you want is to crank the heat up so you can get the green aphrodisiac out of the oven faster in order to get on with the show. That will only lead to overcooked, underappreciated slop. Did I mention your kinky campaign will be totally FUBAR? Ease into it, sucka. If you add the right amount of flavor with the right amount of heat and the right amount of time, you will be more than all right. And to my female and gay male readership, the same rules apply minus the whole T&A thing.

Total time: approximately 40 minutes
Projected cost: $4
Drinking Buddy: All depends on ENTREE, but dry white wine is asparagus’ friend

Ingredients (Serves 4):
1. 1 dash salt
2. 1 dash black pepper
3. 2 tbsp CALIVIRGIN olive oil
4. 2 garlic cloves chopped finely
5. 1/2 lb ASPARAGUS

Step 1
Preheat your oven to 350∞F/175∞C. Wash the asparagus and chop off the tips, and discard. Spread out the asparagus flat in a baking pan. Sprinkle evenly with garlic, salt and pepper, and then drizzle with olive oil.

Step 2
Throw the asparagus in the oven and roast until they brown slightly (approx 30 min). Serve that delicious goodness up with something equally healthy and banging.

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GET STUFFED & BUST-A-NUT SQUASH

January 12, 2010

Stuff with care

This main dish is meant for your main squeeze. Don’t prepare this outstanding entrée for one of your breezies on the side. The effort and effect are not worth it unless you want them to get hooked on you. It goes back to the essence of the Cook To Bang philosophy. Eat amazing food; have amazing sex. This hearty dish is perfect for a winter evening in. Why would you go out when you have the two essentials for a perfect night of carnal lust and consumption? At least that’s what I discovered when I laid this culinary mack down on a girl I’m seeing. She hasn’t stopped calling, texting, sexting, and facebooking since. Homegirl is officially addicted…to me. Ever since, I’ve been getting stuffed and busting nuts all over the place. Use this dish cautiously, unless you are eager to build your own harem.

Total time: approximately 45 minutes
Projected cost: $9
Drinking Buddy: Red red wine

Ingredients (Serves 2):
1. 3 tbsp olive oil
2. 1 dash CAYENNE PEPPER
3. 1 butternut squash
4. 2 dashes black pepper
5. 3 dashes sea salt
6. 2 GREENSBURY MARKET organic chicken breasts
7. 1 pear
8. 2 large carrots
9. 2 green onions chopped coarsely
10. 1 lime wedge

Step 1
Preheat your oven to 350∞F/175∞C. Slice the squash lengthwise and scoop out the guts, leaving a nice cavity. Rub olive oil into each half, and then salt and pepper them and roast until the squash meat is soft (approx 30 min).

Step 2
While the squash roasts, cube the chicken and marinate in limejuice, cayenne pepper, and sea salt (approx 10 min).

Step 3
Peel the carrots and chop into bite-sized pieces. Slice the pears thinly. SautÈ the carrots and pears until they soften (approx 5 min). Add the chicken and sautÈ thoroughly.

Step 4
Finally scoop the sautÈed chicken and veggies into the cavities of the squash (once soft) and throw back in the oven and roast until it’s all heated through (approx 5 min). Crown each with green onions and serve.

This ENTRÉE kills it on it’s own, but a simple SALAD could shoot your date’s lust into the stratosphere.

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BANGING FLURRY EGGPLANT CURRY

November 2, 2009
eggplant curry served

Unleash the fury, with some banging curry!

For me, banging comes in waves.  Sometimes I’m banging everything sexy in a 10-mile radius.  Other times I am sitting alone in the dark wondering why not even my D-List booty calls aren’t returning my texts.  Peaks and valleys, strikes and gutters, dude.  My advice for dealing with this is to capitalize on those moments when you can bang the hottest piece of ass even wearing filthy sweatpants and crocs.  Savor these times as if they were your last and by god man, bang them good and proper so they don’t vanish and tarnish your reputation as a lousy lay.  Winter can be a lonely mistress.  The best solution is to warm yourself back up with the spice of life.  Nothing gets that done quite like spicy food and a hot snuggle buddy or three.  When the snow flurries keep you inside, be sure to have something warm and sexy to flurry on.

Total time: approximately 40 minutes
Projected cost: $20
Drinking Buddy: Beer or a mango lassi

eggplant curry prepIngredients (serves 2):
1. 1 tbsp CALIVIRGIN olive oil
2. ½ cup plain yogurt
3. 1 tsp ground cumin
4. 1 tbsp curry powder
5. 1 handful chopped cilantro
6. 1 onion chopped coarsely
7. 1 large eggplant
8. 1 tomato chopped coarsely
9. 1 small handful GINGER finely chopped
10. 2 garlic cloves finely chopped
11. CHILI PEPPERS at your discretion

Step 1
Preheat the oven to 450°F/230°C.  Throw the eggplant in the oven and roast until the eggplant softens (approx 30 min).  Remove from the oven, allow to cool, peel away the skin, and then cut the meat into bite-sized cubes.
eggplant curry roast
Step 2
Sauté the onions with the cumin, garlic and ginger until they soften (approx 3 min).  Throw in the tomatoes and cook until they stew (approx 2 min)
eggplant curry saute
Step 3
Throw in the eggplant, spice with the curry powder and chili pepper and cook in the flavor (approx 3 min).   Add the yogurt and cook until it all becomes creamy curry goodness (approx 2 min).  Throw in the cilantro and you are good to go.
eggplant curry eggplant yogurt
Serve this curry dish with your favorite RICE DISH or some delicious naan.

eggplant curry served 2

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NYC BAR S’MORE PARTY

September 15, 2009
2 sexy, satisfied customers

2 sexy, satisfied customers

So upon special request, I am posting these antics from Friday night at a bar in New York. The setting: my birthday in NY with lots of near and dear friends. We were seated next to a fireplace and someone suggested we roast s’mores. Naturally I was challenged to make it happen. So a little tipsy and rather determined, I stepped out into the rainy night at midnight in search of ingredients. The chocolate and cookies (no bodega in NY carries graham crackers) were easy to find. The marshmallows not so much. But resourceful was my middle name and I found a restaurant that serves hot chocolate with marshmallows. They handed me a tub of marshmallows free of charge partly because I am so goddamn charming, but also since it was my birthday and they probably didn’t want a drunk fool scaring the customers. Next I went up to my hotel room, broke a wooden coat hanger for the metal wiring and was back to my friends in 15 minutes. After clearing it with the establishment, we were roasted marshmallows in the fireplace. Women flocked like hipsters to mustache wax. I have discovered the greatest pickup line EVER: “S’mores?” You’re welcome!

Total time: approximately 2 minutes per S’more
Projected cost: $5
Drinking Buddy: Whatever is in your hand

Ingredients (for 10 happy customers, or 5 greedy ones):
1. 10 marshmallows
2. 1 CHOCOLATE bar
3. Round cookies (graham crackers unavailable)

Step 1
First you need a fireplace in a bar. Next you need track down your ingredients (or come prepared). Find a metal wire or wooden stick and place your marshmallow on the end of it. Roast it to your preferred level of gooeyness (I like mine a little charred). Slap the marshmallow on the cookie, add a sliver of chocolate and VOILA!

NYC S'more party assemble

If you can’t at least pull a phone number you are a sucka!

NYC S'more party served 2

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