KETCHUP SEX PASTA

December 7, 2009

It's important to catch up with old friends with benefits.

It’s always a trip banging someone you haven’t seen in a long while.  The experience seems so foreign, yet so familiar. You remember their curves, their scent, and that thing they do with their tongue.  There was definitely a reason that you once engaged in erotic research together.  A three-course meal that will require half the day to prepare isn’t in the cards with that much catching up to do.  In order to relive those misty watercolor memories of carnal connections, you should make something slamming that can be whipped up in a hurry.  This is the concoction I threw together when such an occasion occurred.  A long forgotten ex in town for business for a night was the lucky recipient of this accidental bang-de-force.  I sent home-girl to her sales meeting with a bounce in her step from a pleasant evening catching up with ketchup.

Total time: approximately 20 minutes
Projected cost: $5
Drinking Buddy: Red vino always

Ingredients (serves 2):
1. 2 dashes salt
2. 1 dash BASIL flakes
3. 2 tbsp CALIVIRGIN olive oil
4. 3 tbsp ketchup
5. 2 handfuls kale
6. 8-OZ spaghetti
7. 2 garlic cloves sliced thinly
8. 1 handful goat cheese
9. 1 small eggplant chopped coarsely
10. ½ apple sliced thinly

Step 1
Create the sauce by sautéing the garlic with olive oil.  Add the eggplant and a shot glass of water and cook until the water is absorbed (approx 3 min).  Throw in the apples, smother them in olive oil, then toss in the kale, spice with salt and basil and cook down the ingredients (approx 4 min).  Squeeze in the ketchup, mix around and slow simmer while you move onto Step 2.

Step 2
Salt the boiling water and cook the pasta al dente. Drain the pasta and add it to the pasta sauce and toss thoroughly.  Plate up the pasta and crumble goat cheese over.

Serve this up quick and get back to the thick.

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TOTALLY NUDE-LES FOR PAPAYA!

June 15, 2009
Noodles = Nudity

Noodles = Nudity

That’s it. Take it all off.  Every last article must be removed.  You know the deal.  No naked, no nosh!  There you go.  Don’t you feel so much better without all those pesky clothes?  I know I feel liberated.  See?  I’m nude too.  Watch me do this cartwheel.  Whee!  Now it’s your turn.  I want to see your naughty bits fly in all directions.  Again!  Again!  All this exercise made me hungry.  Let’s break.  The only proper way to dine on noodles is in the nude. Sure they are spicy, but I know how randy you get when your mouth is on fire.  Let the papaya cool you down before things heat back up after the meal.

Total time: approximately 10 minutes
Projected cost: $6
Drinking Buddy: Beer or a CHASING GINGER TAIL

Ingredients (serves 2):papaya nude-les prep
1. 8-ounces of dried rice noodle flakes
2. 1 tbsp of Sriracha Hot CHILI Sauce
3. 1 tbsp of soy sauce
4. ½ tbsp of vegetable oil
5. 1 onion cut in strips
6. 1 handful of crushed pecans
7. ½ a lime
8. ½ of a papaya
9. 2 handfuls of cilantro
10. 1 egg
11. 2 garlic cloves chopped finely

Step 1
Bring a pot of water to a boil.  Scoop the seeds out of the papaya, and then cut the fruit meat out.  Discard the shell and chop up the papaya coarsely.
papaya nude-les scoop chop
Step 2
Sauté the garlic, onion and ½ the cilantro with vegetable oil on medium-high heat (approx 3 min).  Throw in the papaya and cook it with the soy sauce and Sriracha sauce (approx 2 min).
papaya nude-les saute
Step 3
Boil the rice noodle flakes (approx 4 min), drain, toss them into the magic pot of flavor, and then mix it all together.
papaya nude-les boil
Step 4
Crack an egg into the pan, and then mix the contents together.  Crown the noodles with the crushed pecans and cilantro, and finally squeeze the limejuice over your creation.
papaya nude-les stir-fry
Serve up the nude-les solo or with some BANGO YOUR MANGO CHICKEN CURRY.
papaya nude-les served 2

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SO READY TO MEAT MY BALLS

May 13, 2009
The meatballs keep a rolling rolling rolling!

The meatballs keep a rolling rolling rolling!

Behold these sexy balls o’ mine!  Why are you acting so shocked?  My balls are so flavorful, so meaty, so ready to rumble.  Clearly you aren’t ready to meet these round and rocking spheres of epic delight.  I understand.  I get it. You just try to appear that you are up for anything, but in truth you turn tail when presented with something bold that gets right to the meat of a situation.  Not to worry for there are plenty of prospects who will be more than happy to embrace my raw essence.  The barbarian inside shall be released in us ready and willing who shall indulge in an orgy of carnage and carnal delights.  You’ll just have to sit outside my cave and listen to the pleasurable Neanderthal grunts of eating and banging.  You’ll just have to read the erotic play-by-play cave paintings.  I’d love to offer you our leftovers, but you know how grudges go.  Can’t let it go until you admit you were wrong and willing to play by my rules.

Total time: approximately 35 minutes
Projected cost: $7
Drinking Buddy: Red wine

Spaghetti meatball prepIngredients (serves 2)
1. 1 pound of ground beef (or turkey)
2. ½ teaspoon of salt
3. 1 teaspoon of pepper
4. 1 teaspoon of paprika
5. ½ teaspoon of crushed red pepper
6. 1 can of tomato sauce
7. ½ pound of dried spaghetti
8. 2 garlic cloves minced
9. 1 large celery stalk cut into tiny nibbles
10. 1 onion chopped finely
11. 2 tablespoons of olive oil (not pictured)

Step 1
Boil spaghetti al dente while you make the meat balls: mix in ½ the onions, ½ the celery celery, garlic, ground beef, salt, and pepper together in a bowl and create balls.

Spaghetti meatball mix

Step 2
Warm up 1 tablespoon of olive oil in a deep pan on medium heat.  Throw in the meatballs and cook the bottom side until they brown (approx 3 min).  Flip the meatballs and douse the remaining olive over the balls and brown the other side (approx 2 min).  Sauté the remaining onions and celery and cook them down (approx 2 min).  Bring the tomato sauce to a boil on and then lower the heat and simmer until the meatballs cook through (approx 15 min).Spaghetti meatball balls sauce

Step 3
Place a healthy serving of al dente spaghetti on each place, then set a few meat balls on plate and then smother it all with sauce.  Serve with GARLIC (MY BALLS) BREAD and top it off with Parmesan if you are feeling cheesy.Spaghetti meatball al dente scoop

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FUN YOUNG ONION RINGS

April 27, 2009
Become the Lord of the Onion Rings

Become the Lord of the Onion Rings

It’s hard to say no to someone who is fun and young (and legal, obviously).  The same goes for a delicious side order liked baked onion rings.  These finger foods are lower in fat so it doesn’t feel like a brick floating in your rotting guts.  That’s one less reason to not get laid.  These will keep you satisfied, but limber enough to make your move.  Your date won’t complain about these rings being too oily and ruining their favorite outfit when you put your ungreasy paws all over them.  So grope away like Frodo, the Lord of the Onion Rings.

Total time: approximately 30 minutes
Projected cost: $4
Drinking Buddy: Beer or soda

onion-rings-prepIngredients:
1. 1 cup of cornflakes
2. 1 teaspoon of Cajun seasoning
3. 1 tablespoon of sugar
4. ½ teaspoon of salt
5. 1 egg
6. 1 onion cut into ½ rounds, then rings separated

Step 1
Preheat the oven to 375 degrees F.  First crush the cornflakes without pulverizing them. Combine together with Cajun seasoning, salt and sugar.  In a separate bowl, beat an egg thoroughly.  Dip the separated onion rings in the egg and then the cornflake breading.
onion-rings-batter
Step 2
Lay each dipped onion ring on a greased baking sheet.  Throw into the oven and cook until the breading is crispy and clings to the onions (approx 20-25 min).  Use a spatula to pry each onion ring off.  Serve them up on a plate with your favorite condom-ment or with a SINWICH.
onion-rings-bakeonion-rings-served-2

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HO’S MAY BLOW-TATOES

March 10, 2009
“Kiss Me, I’m Irish!” said the drunk leprechaun gnawing on a potato.

“Kiss Me, I’m Irish!” said the drunk leprechaun gnawing on a potato.

You have to love the simplicity of the Irish.  The simple potato prepared in so many different ways kept a civilization alive, healthy and able to withstand the Roman Empire.  Not bad at all.  The potato has gotten the Irish through the worst famines, droughts, pestilence and snake invasions.  Much props to Saint Patrick for telling those slithery suckers to piss off.  So next time you indulge in a potato feast, think about the history of the carbohydrates you are eating.  When you’re done with that, pounce on your date and blame your crazy Irish roots, even if you don’t have them.

Total time: approximately 30 minutes
Projected cost: $3
Drinking Buddy: Depends on what you serve this with. If you are eating them solo, celebrate the Irish with a Guinness or whiskey

jane-potatoes-prepIngredients (serves 2):
1. 2 tablespoons of olive oil
2. 6 red potatoes
3. 1 tablespoon of coarse sea salt
4. 1 small handful of fresh rosemary
5. Pepper to taste (not pictured)

Step 1
Preheat the oven to 350 degrees F.  Wash off each potato, then cut them into mouthful pieces.
jane-potatoes-wash-cut
Step 2
Lay tinfoil over a baking pan.  Lay down the olive oil.  Toss in the potatoes and crown it all with salt, rosemary and pepper (if you so desire).  Toss the potatoes with your hands, ensuring the potatoes are well coated.  Throw the pan into the oven and cook until the potatoes brown (approx 25 minutes).
jane-potatoes-toss-roast
Allow these potatoes to compliment your favorite ENTRÉE and date.

jane-potatoes-served

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I AIN’T NO ANGEL HAIR PASTA

March 3, 2009
Angel, devil, these are just words.  We're all sinners.  Embrace it!

Angel, devil, these are just words. We're all sinners. Embrace it!

I may seem like an angel by providing the world with my culinary creations.  Despite my commitment to helping my fellow my man and loving my neighbor(‘s wife), I am not a holy roller with a halo floating above my head. Shocking, I know.  But take heart. In spite of my lack of high morals and self-righteousness, I do have good intentions.  Sure I am perverse and refuse to wait until marriage to indulge in carnal delight. Yet my reader’s happiness and health is of the utmost importance to me.  In fact, the United States Surgeon General has appointed me to a task force to get people to eat better and exercise more.  Hence, I encourage that all of you of appropriate age (children and elderly need not apply) to COOK TO BANG regularly.  Sure some televangelist might condemn me to burn in eternal damnation, but ask yourself this: How cool will the eternal afterlife be with guys with glued on hairweaves telling you what a miserable sinner you are?  I’ll take the hot tub in hell packed full of nymphomaniacs.

i-aint-no-angel-hair-prepTotal time: approximately 15 minutes
Projected cost: $6 (excluding wine)
Drinking Buddy: Red or white wine

Ingredients (serves 2):
1. 1 cup of white wine
2. 2 tablespoons of olive oil
3. 1 tablespoon of salt
4. 2 handfuls of cherry tomatoes
5. 3 garlic cloves chopped finely
6. 1 onion chopped coarsely
7. ½ lemon worth of juice
8. Parmesan to your liking
9. 8 ounces of dried angel hair pasta

Step 1
Warm up the olive oil in a decent sized pan on medium-high heat.  Sauté the garlic until they whiten (approx 30 seconds), sauté the onions until they become translucent (approx 2 minutes), and then flavor it all with salt. Next cook the cherry tomatoes until they soften (approx 3 minutes), before adding the lemon juice and white wine and allow it to simmer while you move on to Step 2.
i-aint-no-angel-hair-sauce
Step 2
Bring a large pot of water to a boil and break in the angel hair pasta.  Follow the instructions and cook until the pasta becomes al dente.  Drain, wash out the excess starch and pour the pasta into the sauce and cook together until heated through.  Serve onto alone of with some kickass ENTRÉE.  Grate as much Parmesan as you feel worthy.
i-aint-no-angel-hair-pasta

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SPANKING SPANISH RICE

January 9, 2009
This Spanish Rice is certifiably spankingly spectacular!
This Spanish Rice is certifiably spankingly spectacular!

Barcelona in the later summer is a guaranteed whirlwind for the weary traveler with a backpack. Flamenco guitars serenade beauties in the balconies above and capture the heart of even the biggest hater. I remember one thing with absolute clarity: the quality of the food and women are top notch. Black designer mini dresses flapping behind Vespas. Plates piled high with raw shellfish and overflowing bowls of the best rice I had ever tasted. One night after a sangria or three and a plate full of OYSTERS, I found myself being led to a discotequa by a Nigerian Dr. Dre wannabe I befriended at a coffee shop. My evening soundtrack became hip hop beats to Catalan** lyrics. I don’t speak a word. My 3rd grade level Spanish was all I had to flirt with a Barcelona pure-bred hottie. She awarded me an A for effort and danced with me out in a plaza off Las Ramblas. We were good to go back to my place until she found out I was at a hostel sharing a room with three strangers. She vanished into the nearest cab leaving me bummed out with blue balls. So I cheered myself up with a perfect consolation prize: a plate of Spanish rice. I suppose that it was almost as good as spanking a Spaniard.

**In Barcelona, they speak Catalan, a derivation of Spanish that is a bitch to learn.

Total time: approximately 30 minutes
Projected cost: $5
Drinking Buddy: Depends what you serve with it. Tequila, beer or sangria if you are feeling especially Spanish

spanish-rice-toast-prepIngredients:
1. 1 cup of white rice
2. 2 cups of chicken broth
3. 1 dash of salt
4. ¼ cup of olive oil
5. 1 handful of chopped cilantro
6. 2 garlic cloves chopped finely
7. 1 tomato chopped coarsely
8. 1 onion chopped coarsely
9. 1 red bell pepper chopped coarsely
10. 1 small carrot chopped or grated coarsely

Step 1
Toast the rice first by heating up the oil in a pan on medium heat and cook until they brown, stirring occasionally (approx 5 minutes). Throw in the garlic and cook another minute. Throw in the rest of the veggies: cilantro, tomato, onion, bell pepper and carrot and cook them down with the toasty rice (approx 5 minutes).
spanish-rice-toast-veggies
Step 2
Pour in the chicken stock and salt it up a bit. Crank the heat up until the stalk begins to boil, then turn the heat down super low and simmer until the rice absorbs the stock (approx 20 minutes). You officially have some spectacular spanking Spanish rice to serve with something equally outstanding like ORANGASMIC CATFISH, FISHY PINK TACOS or MOLE. Go get those chicas and hombres!
spanish-rice-boil

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