ROGER HER VODKA PENNE

September 28, 2015
Embrace the vodka on your plate and in your glass

Embrace the vodka on your plate and in your glass

This Italian mafia recipe will never sleep with the fishes.  This vodka penne is “a friend of mine” because it’s tasty and easy to prepare.  The only thing getting whacked is the pig used to make the prosciutto.  Lucky you.  Be sure to remind your date knows how lucky they are to enjoy this fine dish from the old country.  The vodka flatters the tomatoes and garlic with compliments, plus you can challenge your date to take shots while you cook. Think you can make an easier, tastier vodka penne from scratch?  Forget about it! Read the rest of this entry »


RAINBOW CHARD ON LINGUINE

January 27, 2012

Somewhere over the rainbow, something's turning me on. Must be my Wizard of Oz fantasy.

Nothing gives me a chubby like an aesthetically pleasing plate of food. Not only does it satisfy the hunger pangs, but the emotionally pangs as well. Mark my words, nothing inspires sexy time dessert quite like a beautifully presented meal. How it tastes is almost secondary to how it looks on the plate. Shallow? Perhaps. But don’t question the rules of culinary seduction unless you want that chard on to go to waste. Read the rest of this entry »


SUN-DRIED SEX APPEAL PASTA

September 26, 2011
Enjoy this pasta responsibly by wearing at least SPF 15 when you bang outdoors.

Enjoy this pasta responsibly by wearing at least SPF 15 when you bang outdoors.

All that time in the sun will do one of two things: in youth, it makes you look hotter and more desirable; but as the years wear on, all that sunlight can reduce your body to a leather handbag.  I have witnessed many sun-worshipping hotties wither away in a matter of years.  What a waste of a perfectly hard body.  Anyway…this digression was brought to you by Coppertone suntan lotion.  The point to all this warbling is that drying yourself out in the sun is not sexy, but doing the same to a tomato makes my engines revs.  See I’m totally gay for tomatoes as is.  But when you concentrate the lycopene-laced flavor and it becomes like Spanish Fly.  Sex appeal oozes at your pores the moment you throw the sun-dried love into the mix.  This simple pasta dish went from a subdued “Yay…” to a scream-from-the-highest-rooftop “How you like me now?!”  Enjoy this pasta responsibly by wearing at least SPF 15 when you bang outdoors. Read the rest of this entry »


KETCHUP SEX PASTA

December 7, 2009

It's important to catch up with old friends with benefits.

It’s always a trip banging someone you haven’t seen in a long while.  The experience seems so foreign, yet so familiar. You remember their curves, their scent, and that thing they do with their tongue.  There was definitely a reason that you once engaged in erotic research together.  A three-course meal that will require half the day to prepare isn’t in the cards with that much catching up to do.  In order to relive those misty watercolor memories of carnal connections, you should make something slamming that can be whipped up in a hurry.  This is the concoction I threw together when such an occasion occurred.  A long forgotten ex in town for business for a night was the lucky recipient of this accidental bang-de-force.  I sent home-girl to her sales meeting with a bounce in her step from a pleasant evening catching up with ketchup.

Total time: approximately 20 minutes
Projected cost: $5
Drinking Buddy: Red vino always

Ingredients (serves 2):
1. 2 dashes salt
2. 1 dash BASIL flakes
3. 2 tbsp CALIVIRGIN olive oil
4. 3 tbsp ketchup
5. 2 handfuls kale
6. 8-OZ spaghetti
7. 2 garlic cloves sliced thinly
8. 1 handful goat cheese
9. 1 small eggplant chopped coarsely
10. ½ apple sliced thinly

Step 1
Create the sauce by sautéing the garlic with olive oil.  Add the eggplant and a shot glass of water and cook until the water is absorbed (approx 3 min).  Throw in the apples, smother them in olive oil, then toss in the kale, spice with salt and basil and cook down the ingredients (approx 4 min).  Squeeze in the ketchup, mix around and slow simmer while you move onto Step 2.

Step 2
Salt the boiling water and cook the pasta al dente. Drain the pasta and add it to the pasta sauce and toss thoroughly.  Plate up the pasta and crumble goat cheese over.

Serve this up quick and get back to the thick.

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SALMON GRILLS AND PASTA THRILLS

June 8, 2009
This fish dish offers thrills, grills, and hopefully no spills.

This fish dish offers thrills, grills, and hopefully no spills.

Some naysayers will claim that salmon is a boring fish to eat.  So predictable, so typical, so uninspired. You have my permission to give them an atomic wedgie for believing they think outside of the box.  These people haven’t left the box since slap bracelets were in.  Salmon is only as boring as the chef cooking with it.  Think of it salmon as a blank canvas for a painter or a mold of clay for a sculptor.  You could just paint a still life or sculpt a symmetrical vase.  But you could also create something groundbreaking that will shake the art world to its self-righteous core.  Now translate that “fuck the norm” attitude to your culinary creations.  Throw some flare into that fish and your night’s post-curricular activities will be rated for Mature audiences only due to nudity, sexual content and adult language. Violence will be notably absent.

salmon pasta prepTotal time: approximately 20 minutes
Projected cost: $14
Drinking Buddy: White wine

Ingredients (serves 2):
1. 1 tsp of sea salt
2. 8-ounces of dry penne pasta
3. 3 tbsp of olive oil
4. 1 lb SALMON filet
5. 1 handful of sliced mushrooms
6. 1 onion chopped coarsely
7. 1 handful of fresh ROSEMARY
8. 2 garlic cloves chopped finely
9. 1 lemon halved

Step 1
If you are grilling with charcoal, get the coals going.  Marinate the salmon in 2 tbsp of olive oil, pluck the rosemary from the sprig and squeeze ½ the lemon over it.
salmon pasta marinate
Step 2
Boil the penne al dente, seasoning the water with olive oil and sea salt (approx 10 min).  While you wait for the pasta to boil, move onto Step 3.  When the pasta is ready, drain and mix it in with sautéed veggies in Step 3.
salmon pasta boil mix
Step 3
Sauté the garlic and onion with the remaining olive oil on medium heat.  Mix in the mushrooms and sauté it all with sea salt ½ tsp of salt until they are soft (approx 6 min).
salmon pasta saute
Step 4
When the charcoal or gas grill is ready, throw the marinated fish on.  Pour the excess marinade over the fish and put on the lid.  Grill until the outside of the fish whitens and the inside is a pinkish white (approx 5 min).  salmon pasta bbq serve it

Serve pieces of salmon over plates of pasta and squeeze the remaining lemon.
salmon pasta served 2

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SO READY TO MEAT MY BALLS

May 13, 2009
The meatballs keep a rolling rolling rolling!

The meatballs keep a rolling rolling rolling!

Behold these sexy balls o’ mine!  Why are you acting so shocked?  My balls are so flavorful, so meaty, so ready to rumble.  Clearly you aren’t ready to meet these round and rocking spheres of epic delight.  I understand.  I get it. You just try to appear that you are up for anything, but in truth you turn tail when presented with something bold that gets right to the meat of a situation.  Not to worry for there are plenty of prospects who will be more than happy to embrace my raw essence.  The barbarian inside shall be released in us ready and willing who shall indulge in an orgy of carnage and carnal delights.  You’ll just have to sit outside my cave and listen to the pleasurable Neanderthal grunts of eating and banging.  You’ll just have to read the erotic play-by-play cave paintings.  I’d love to offer you our leftovers, but you know how grudges go.  Can’t let it go until you admit you were wrong and willing to play by my rules.

Total time: approximately 35 minutes
Projected cost: $7
Drinking Buddy: Red wine

Spaghetti meatball prepIngredients (serves 2)
1. 1 pound of ground beef (or turkey)
2. ½ teaspoon of salt
3. 1 teaspoon of pepper
4. 1 teaspoon of paprika
5. ½ teaspoon of crushed red pepper
6. 1 can of tomato sauce
7. ½ pound of dried spaghetti
8. 2 garlic cloves minced
9. 1 large celery stalk cut into tiny nibbles
10. 1 onion chopped finely
11. 2 tablespoons of olive oil (not pictured)

Step 1
Boil spaghetti al dente while you make the meat balls: mix in ½ the onions, ½ the celery celery, garlic, ground beef, salt, and pepper together in a bowl and create balls.

Spaghetti meatball mix

Step 2
Warm up 1 tablespoon of olive oil in a deep pan on medium heat.  Throw in the meatballs and cook the bottom side until they brown (approx 3 min).  Flip the meatballs and douse the remaining olive over the balls and brown the other side (approx 2 min).  Sauté the remaining onions and celery and cook them down (approx 2 min).  Bring the tomato sauce to a boil on and then lower the heat and simmer until the meatballs cook through (approx 15 min).Spaghetti meatball balls sauce

Step 3
Place a healthy serving of al dente spaghetti on each place, then set a few meat balls on plate and then smother it all with sauce.  Serve with GARLIC (MY BALLS) BREAD and top it off with Parmesan if you are feeling cheesy.Spaghetti meatball al dente scoop

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LET MY LEMON CHICKEN PASTA GO!

March 24, 2009
Put down the chicken breast and no one gets hurt!

Put down the chicken breast and no one gets hurt!

Yeah, you heard me!  Take your hands off my chicken breasts and amscray!  You don’t see me walking around all cavalier and fondling other people’s breasts.  What?  Well that was consensual! Very very consensual!  Oh, and that other time.  You got me there.  But that was just to draw a laugh.  No, I’m not messing with you.  You can’t blame me for that!  It was a double dog dare!  And if I’m not mistaken, she did give me her number.  I cooked for her too.  We had a great evening and, yes, I did fondle.  But she insisted.  I was perfectly happy to just play Scrabble and discuss current events.  So once again, I’m not in the wrong.  You are!  Now are you going to put my breasts down so I can grill them or will I have to resort to fisticuffs?  I will defend my chicken breasts’ honor and then eat them if it’s the last thing I do!

Total time: approximately 35 minutes
Projected cost: $7
Drinking Buddy: Red red wine

lemon-chicken-pasta-prep1Ingredients (serves 2):
1. 2 tablespoons of olive oil
2. 1 teaspoon of salt
3. ½ teaspoon of crushed red pepper
4. ½ teaspoon of dried basil
5. 2 teaspoons of black pepper
6. ¼ pound of dried Rotelle pasta
7. 3 tomatoes chopped coarsely
8. 2 handfuls of sliced mushrooms
9. ½ a lemon of juice
10. ½ pound of chicken breast sliced into bite-sized pieces
11. 2 handfuls of bite-sized broccoli pieces
Step 1
Mix up the chicken with the lemon juice and black pepper and allow it to marinate (approx 10 minutes).  Warm up 1 tablespoon of olive oil in a pan on medium heat.  Then cook the chicken through in it’s own juices until it goes white (approx 6 minutes).  Set aside.
lemon-chicken-pasta-marinate-grillStep 2
Heat up the rest of the olive oil in a pan and stir-fry the broccoli and mushrooms with more lemon juice until they soften (approx 4 minutes).  Finally add the tomatoes along with a liberal dashing of salt, crushed red pepper and basil, and stew and stir it all down into a sauce (approx 5 minutes).
lemon-chicken-pasta-sauce1Step 3
Boil water, cook and drain the pasta al dente.  Pour in the pasta in with sauce and stir it up.  Crown it all with the lemon pepper chicken, and serve.
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