This Italian mafia recipe will never sleep with the fishes. This vodka penne is “a friend of mine” because it’s tasty and easy to prepare. The only thing getting whacked is the pig used to make the prosciutto. Lucky you. Be sure to remind your date knows how lucky they are to enjoy this fine dish from the old country. The vodka flatters the tomatoes and garlic with compliments, plus you can challenge your date to take shots while you cook. Think you can make an easier, tastier vodka penne from scratch? Forget about it! Read the rest of this entry »
Nothing gives me a chubby like an aesthetically pleasing plate of food. Not only does it satisfy the hunger pangs, but the emotionally pangs as well. Mark my words, nothing inspires sexy time dessert quite like a beautifully presented meal. How it tastes is almost secondary to how it looks on the plate. Shallow? Perhaps. But don’t question the rules of culinary seduction unless you want that chard on to go to waste. Read the rest of this entry »
All that time in the sun will do one of two things: in youth, it makes you look hotter and more desirable; but as the years wear on, all that sunlight can reduce your body to a leather handbag. I have witnessed many sun-worshipping hotties wither away in a matter of years. What a waste of a perfectly hard body. Anyway…this digression was brought to you by Coppertone suntan lotion. The point to all this warbling is that drying yourself out in the sun is not sexy, but doing the same to a tomato makes my engines revs. See I’m totally gay for tomatoes as is. But when you concentrate the lycopene-laced flavor and it becomes like Spanish Fly. Sex appeal oozes at your pores the moment you throw the sun-dried love into the mix. This simple pasta dish went from a subdued “Yay…” to a scream-from-the-highest-rooftop “How you like me now?!” Enjoy this pasta responsibly by wearing at least SPF 15 when you bang outdoors. Read the rest of this entry »
It’s always a trip banging someone you haven’t seen in a long while. The experience seems so foreign, yet so familiar. You remember their curves, their scent, and that thing they do with their tongue. There was definitely a reason that you once engaged in erotic research together. A three-course meal that will require half the day to prepare isn’t in the cards with that much catching up to do. In order to relive those misty watercolor memories of carnal connections, you should make something slamming that can be whipped up in a hurry. This is the concoction I threw together when such an occasion occurred. A long forgotten ex in town for business for a night was the lucky recipient of this accidental bang-de-force. I sent home-girl to her sales meeting with a bounce in her step from a pleasant evening catching up with ketchup.
Ingredients (serves 2):
1. 2 dashes salt
2. 1 dash BASIL flakes
3. 2 tbsp CALIVIRGIN olive oil
4. 3 tbsp ketchup
5. 2 handfuls kale
6. 8-OZ spaghetti
7. 2 garlic cloves sliced thinly
8. 1 handful goat cheese
9. 1 small eggplant chopped coarsely
10. ½ apple sliced thinly
Create the sauce by sautéing the garlic with olive oil. Add the eggplant and a shot glass of water and cook until the water is absorbed (approx 3 min). Throw in the apples, smother them in olive oil, then toss in the kale, spice with salt and basil and cook down the ingredients (approx 4 min). Squeeze in the ketchup, mix around and slow simmer while you move onto Step 2.
Salt the boiling water and cook the pasta al dente. Drain the pasta and add it to the pasta sauce and toss thoroughly. Plate up the pasta and crumble goat cheese over.
Serve this up quick and get back to the thick.
Some naysayers will claim that salmon is a boring fish to eat. So predictable, so typical, so uninspired. You have my permission to give them an atomic wedgie for believing they think outside of the box. These people haven’t left the box since slap bracelets were in. Salmon is only as boring as the chef cooking with it. Think of it salmon as a blank canvas for a painter or a mold of clay for a sculptor. You could just paint a still life or sculpt a symmetrical vase. But you could also create something groundbreaking that will shake the art world to its self-righteous core. Now translate that “fuck the norm” attitude to your culinary creations. Throw some flare into that fish and your night’s post-curricular activities will be rated for Mature audiences only due to nudity, sexual content and adult language. Violence will be notably absent.
Ingredients (serves 2):
1. 1 tsp of sea salt
2. 8-ounces of dry penne pasta
3. 3 tbsp of olive oil
4. 1 lb SALMON filet
5. 1 handful of sliced mushrooms
6. 1 onion chopped coarsely
7. 1 handful of fresh ROSEMARY
8. 2 garlic cloves chopped finely
9. 1 lemon halved
If you are grilling with charcoal, get the coals going. Marinate the salmon in 2 tbsp of olive oil, pluck the rosemary from the sprig and squeeze ½ the lemon over it.
Boil the penne al dente, seasoning the water with olive oil and sea salt (approx 10 min). While you wait for the pasta to boil, move onto Step 3. When the pasta is ready, drain and mix it in with sautéed veggies in Step 3.
Sauté the garlic and onion with the remaining olive oil on medium heat. Mix in the mushrooms and sauté it all with sea salt ½ tsp of salt until they are soft (approx 6 min).
When the charcoal or gas grill is ready, throw the marinated fish on. Pour the excess marinade over the fish and put on the lid. Grill until the outside of the fish whitens and the inside is a pinkish white (approx 5 min).
Behold these sexy balls o’ mine! Why are you acting so shocked? My balls are so flavorful, so meaty, so ready to rumble. Clearly you aren’t ready to meet these round and rocking spheres of epic delight. I understand. I get it. You just try to appear that you are up for anything, but in truth you turn tail when presented with something bold that gets right to the meat of a situation. Not to worry for there are plenty of prospects who will be more than happy to embrace my raw essence. The barbarian inside shall be released in us ready and willing who shall indulge in an orgy of carnage and carnal delights. You’ll just have to sit outside my cave and listen to the pleasurable Neanderthal grunts of eating and banging. You’ll just have to read the erotic play-by-play cave paintings. I’d love to offer you our leftovers, but you know how grudges go. Can’t let it go until you admit you were wrong and willing to play by my rules.
Total time: approximately 35 minutes
Projected cost: $7
Drinking Buddy: Red wine
Ingredients (serves 2)
1. 1 pound of ground beef (or turkey)
2. ½ teaspoon of salt
3. 1 teaspoon of pepper
4. 1 teaspoon of paprika
5. ½ teaspoon of crushed red pepper
6. 1 can of tomato sauce
7. ½ pound of dried spaghetti
8. 2 garlic cloves minced
9. 1 large celery stalk cut into tiny nibbles
10. 1 onion chopped finely
11. 2 tablespoons of olive oil (not pictured)
Boil spaghetti al dente while you make the meat balls: mix in ½ the onions, ½ the celery celery, garlic, ground beef, salt, and pepper together in a bowl and create balls.
Warm up 1 tablespoon of olive oil in a deep pan on medium heat. Throw in the meatballs and cook the bottom side until they brown (approx 3 min). Flip the meatballs and douse the remaining olive over the balls and brown the other side (approx 2 min). Sauté the remaining onions and celery and cook them down (approx 2 min). Bring the tomato sauce to a boil on and then lower the heat and simmer until the meatballs cook through (approx 15 min).
Place a healthy serving of al dente spaghetti on each place, then set a few meat balls on plate and then smother it all with sauce. Serve with GARLIC (MY BALLS) BREAD and top it off with Parmesan if you are feeling cheesy.
Yeah, you heard me! Take your hands off my chicken breasts and amscray! You don’t see me walking around all cavalier and fondling other people’s breasts. What? Well that was consensual! Very very consensual! Oh, and that other time. You got me there. But that was just to draw a laugh. No, I’m not messing with you. You can’t blame me for that! It was a double dog dare! And if I’m not mistaken, she did give me her number. I cooked for her too. We had a great evening and, yes, I did fondle. But she insisted. I was perfectly happy to just play Scrabble and discuss current events. So once again, I’m not in the wrong. You are! Now are you going to put my breasts down so I can grill them or will I have to resort to fisticuffs? I will defend my chicken breasts’ honor and then eat them if it’s the last thing I do!
Total time: approximately 35 minutes
Projected cost: $7
Drinking Buddy: Red red wine
Ingredients (serves 2):
1. 2 tablespoons of olive oil
2. 1 teaspoon of salt
3. ½ teaspoon of crushed red pepper
4. ½ teaspoon of dried basil
5. 2 teaspoons of black pepper
6. ¼ pound of dried Rotelle pasta
7. 3 tomatoes chopped coarsely
8. 2 handfuls of sliced mushrooms
9. ½ a lemon of juice
10. ½ pound of chicken breast sliced into bite-sized pieces
11. 2 handfuls of bite-sized broccoli pieces
Mix up the chicken with the lemon juice and black pepper and allow it to marinate (approx 10 minutes). Warm up 1 tablespoon of olive oil in a pan on medium heat. Then cook the chicken through in it’s own juices until it goes white (approx 6 minutes). Set aside.
Heat up the rest of the olive oil in a pan and stir-fry the broccoli and mushrooms with more lemon juice until they soften (approx 4 minutes). Finally add the tomatoes along with a liberal dashing of salt, crushed red pepper and basil, and stew and stir it all down into a sauce (approx 5 minutes).
Boil water, cook and drain the pasta al dente. Pour in the pasta in with sauce and stir it up. Crown it all with the lemon pepper chicken, and serve.
No pasta dish is truly complete without garlic bread. It’s like getting down without your lover going down on you. Sure the job gets done, but there’s always a part of you longing for a little oral objectification. Half-assing your meal is like half-assing foreplay, which could lead to dire consequences like a cold shower and possible rumors of small-endowment. Plus there’s no need to be unsatisfied by your meal when garlic bread is so simple and inexpensive to create. A few slices, spreads and baking later and you are in business. Use the bread to mop up that tasty sexy sauce you whipped up. Lick the plate clean in preparation for the thorough licking you will enjoy later.
Total time: approximately 40 minutes
Projected cost for ingredients: $3
Melt the butter in a saucepan and cook in the garlic until it goes white (approx. 1 minute). Pour the garlic butter into a container and put in the fridge to cool and harden slightly (approx 15-20 minutes).
Cut slices into the baguette leaving some of the bottom crust attached. Spread a small amount of garlic butter between each slice. Place a slice of tomato between the bread slits. Grate parmesan a top the baguette.
Preheat oven to 350 degrees F. Wrap the bread up in tinfoil and throw in the oven for 15-20 minutes. The top of the bread will be brown, the tomatoes soft and the cheese melty on top. Serve with pasta of your choice and accept you are probably getting laid tonight.
“Ave Maria!” you sing from the plaza of the Italian village. Your intended conquest comes out onto the balcony to gaze down at the lust in your eyes. You continue with your falsetto, beckoning your lovely to join you for a magnificent meal that will knock their socks and knickers off. They will smell the slow cooked perfection of this hearty, meaty dish from the “old country” and naturally follow you like a lemming on its way to an orgy. This is the power of great Italian food. The Italians pay such keen attention to the details whether it’s their fine tailored clothes or renowned culinary creations. Why should you treat the food any differently? You may or may not be Italian, but that doesn’t mean you should boil spaghetti and cover it with sauce from a jar. Cooking without passion is like banging without an orgasm. There is really no point. Don’t waste your date’s time or your charm on forgettable food. This dish is guaranteed to spice up your night. COOK TO BANG is not responsible should your lover scream aloud, “Mama Mia!”
Total time: approximately 1-3 hours depending on level of perfection desired
Projected cost for ingredients: $15 (still cheaper than a restaurant, many ingredients will last many more meals, and there will be leftovers)
1. ½ cup of red wine
2. 1 tablespoon of salt
3. 1 28oz. can of crushed tomatoes
4. 1 tablespoon of crushed red pepper flakes
5. 2 tablespoons of olive oil
6. ½ cup of heavy cream (optional)
7. 1 pound of ground beef or turkey
8. 2 pork or chicken sausage links chopped into bite-sized pieces
9. Parmesan cheese
10. 2 handfuls of thinly sliced mushrooms
11. 2 carrots peels and shredded
12. 5 celery stalks chopped
13. 1 red onion minced
14. 1 pound pack of spaghetti
15. 5 garlic cloves minced
Turn the stove on to medium heat. Heat the olive oil in a large stockpot and throw in the garlic and onions and cook until they are translucent. Throw in the mushrooms, carrots and celery and cook the veggies down, adding the crushed red pepper flakes for spice (adjust to your preference: ½ tablespoon = snore, 2 tablespoons = hot damn!).
Add the ground meat and sausage to the stockpot, mix it up with the veggies and cook until the meat turns grey. Pour in the red wine and cook until the liquid dissolves.
Boil water in a separate pot and cook the spaghetti al dente.
Pour the crushed tomatoes into the stockpot with the veggies and meat and mix together thoroughly. Bring it all to a boil, then turn the heat down to its lowest setting and cook for 1-2 hours, occasionally stirring or adding water when sauce becomes too thick. If desired, stir in the heavy cream a few minutes before you are ready to eat and allow the sauce to thicken. Now serve the sauce over spaghetti with garlic bread and a bottle or red wine. Sing falsetto as you present the food if possible.
Pasta schmasta. The Italians were on to something akin to the inventing the wheel when they gave the world pasta. Pasta dishes can walk a fine line between outstanding and a sorry excuse for food. It all depends on the scope of your filthy imagination. Ask yourself whether closing the deal is worth the extra $3 for better ingredients. Those who answered “no” should take note that it is far cheaper than hiring a hooker, and with less risk of catching herpes or a shiv in the back. So put the Chef Boyardee back on the shelf and cook like an adult; you might enjoy some post-dinner adult activities (like Parcheesi…in the buff). Take this carb cuisine from flab to fab. Canned clams are cheap and readily available, but your date doesn’t need to know that. Just say you went deep sea diving in shark-infested waters to retrieve the evening meal. You could even impress them with your badass shark bite scar, OR better yet, knock their socks (and underwear) off using this deceivingly simple recipe. This recipe debut was interrupted a few times by a dinner date that couldn’t keep her hands to herself. My lust blinded me to the fact I mistakenly poured the Apple Cider Vinegar instead of olive oil. The result was a tangy compliment to the briny brilliance of the sea. This recipe has since earned itself a permanent place in the COOK TO BANG hall of fame. You’re welcome.
Ingredients (for 2):
1. 8 oz. of dried linguini
2. 1 tablespoon of olive oil
3. 3 cloves of garlic diced
4. 2 shallots diced
5. 2 tomatoes chopped coarsely
6. ½ a tablespoon of Apple Cider Vinegar
7. 1 can of minced clams with clam juice
Fill a pot full of water and boil on high heat. Allow the water to boil and throw in the dried pasta and boil until al dente (follow box/bag instructions). Pour through a colander and set aside.
On medium heat, add the olive oil and sauté the garlic and shallots until they soften and brown. Toss in the tomatoes and the Apple Cider Vinegar and cook down.
Pour in the entire contents of the canned clams, especially the milky white clam sauce. Cook the sauce down until the concoction turns into a pinkish color.
Toss the al dente linguini with the clam sauce until they are well mixed and heated through. Serve onto plates with a crisp chardonnay, beer or sake. Tastes like triumph.