March 30, 2016
You wanna bang? Artichokey Dokey!
Have you ever found yourself without inspiration on what sort of vittles to bring to a party? Ever been scrambling to figure out a classy snack to serve your date with a great bottle of red? Bruschetta to the rescue! It’s light, tasty and goddamn refreshing. Did I mention how simple it is to prepare? You could whip up a batch with your eyes wide shut leaving you plenty of time to tame those clothes your date is still wearing. Be sure to remind them that bruschetta is part of the Mediterranean diet. Be sure to emphasize that you are looking out for their health. The fact the artichoke is a turbo-charged APHRODISIAC is beside the point. Just go with it when they pounce on you and making a disappearing act of your pants. Abra-bang-dabra!
Total time: approximately 15 minutes
Projected cost: $9
Drinking Buddy: Red wine
Ingredients (serves 2)
1. 1 tablespoon of olive oil
2. 1 tablespoon of balsamic vinegar
3. 2 twists of crack pepper
4. 1 sprinkle of salt
5. 1 baguette
6. 2 handfuls of drained ARTICHOKE hearts chopped
7. 1 handful of diced red onion
8. 3 tomatoes diced finely
9. 1 small handful of chopped BASIL
10. 2 garlic cloves chopped finely
11. 1 large handful of grated parmesan (skip to make vegan)
Preheat the oven to 350 degrees F. Slice the nubs off the baguette, and then cut ½ inch slices at a diagonal to make more room for fixings. Place the slices on a baking sheet and toast through in the oven until they brown slightly (approx 10 min).
Mix together the tomato, artichoke, red onion, basil, garlic, pepper, salt, olive oil and vinegar in a bowl.
Scoop a tablespoon of bruschetta fixings onto each toasted bread slice. Sprinkle a little grated Parmesan on top of each and serve with a bottle of wine.
January 6, 2016
Gotta lotta burrata to fatha
Some things in life just belong together. Dog and bone; man and woman; anal sex and lube. The sum is way more awesome than the parts. Can you imagine the Olympics without the ski and snowboard events? The very notion makes me shudder. That’s how I feel about creamy, dreamy burrata mozzarella. This majestic dairy product was hand delivered by Jesus, Buddha, and Mohammed on a cloud made of chocolate and feathers. But as good as burrata is, without some sort of tasty wingman, it’s like eating caking frosting in the dark alone on a Saturday night (been there, it ain’t pretty). Tomatoes are the natural go to for most lovers of the CAPRESE SALAD and all things Italian. But clearly those well intentioned, but uninitiated have never enjoyed roasted red peppers with their burrata. I am willing to overlook this infraction, but now you have no excuse. Each bite is like a millions tiny angels tickling your balls or breasts. Heaven is calling your name, my friends! Read the rest of this entry »
September 28, 2015
Embrace the vodka on your plate and in your glass
This Italian mafia recipe will never sleep with the fishes. This vodka penne is “a friend of mine” because it’s tasty and easy to prepare. The only thing getting whacked is the pig used to make the prosciutto. Lucky you. Be sure to remind your date knows how lucky they are to enjoy this fine dish from the old country. The vodka flatters the tomatoes and garlic with compliments, plus you can challenge your date to take shots while you cook. Think you can make an easier, tastier vodka penne from scratch? Forget about it! Read the rest of this entry »
October 17, 2014
Unlike TLC, I am too proud to beg.
You should know better than to beg. There is clear a disconnect with your mastery of the CTB philosophy. When you serve that special someone amazing food than you won’t have to beg. It is your date who will beg you for more whether that is a second helping of bagel pizzas or another screaming orgasm. Groveling doesn’t suit you. That’s for the people who can’t close the deal in good faith. Be grateful there are chumps out there on their knees looking pathetic and sexually frustrated. They suffer so you don’t have to. Just do the voodoo that you do in the kitchen and the bedroom. This recipe is so fast and impressive that you can’t help but reap the rewards. Reap away, reaper. Read the rest of this entry »
April 7, 2014
Polenta them down, all the way to the ground.
Sometimes you have to take decisive action to get your freak on. That means going all in like in a high stakes game of poker and laying it all on the line. Well, perhaps that analogy is wrong. In fact, this recipe makes the art of culinary seduction seem easy. Polenta screams out classy and sophisticated. Just accept the compliment and go with it. Let the aphrodisiac double threat (black beans & avocado) and rich collection of textures speak for you. Don’t fret. The pants will come off like some freaky scientific mystery. I’ll give you a hint about the science: good food = great sex. And critics say this site is not educational! Read the rest of this entry »
November 13, 2012
The resourceful bird gets the worm and makes their lovers squirm with glee.
One good spaghetti squash recipe deserves another. The first round was ITALIAN PASTA STYLE; this is an Asian spicy noodle version that maximizes the low-carb way of life. Truth be told, these spaghetti squash strands were leftovers I had no clue how to make. But I was hung over one morning with some random piece of strange from the night before whose name I couldn’t remember for the life of me sleeping in my bed. I thought perhaps some sustenance would jar my brain into remembering who the hell this naked hottie was still snoring. Carbs help soak up alcohol, but to my chagrin, my roommate finished up my rice noodles. My head was pounding too hard to act anything but resourceful. Many thanks to the leftover spaghetti squash strands that were a champion noodle substitute. My mystery date dug them too. And my roommate redeemed herself for her early offense by introducing herself to the beautiful stranger, hence arming me with a name. It made things easier when I asked the less-mysterious girl to leave before my lunch date arrived. Read the rest of this entry »
November 6, 2012
Yes you will!
Cook To Bang is taking a day off from sexy talk to brandish you with self-indulgent politics aside. Forgive the latte liberal over here and vote. The US was founded on this inalienable right. The last four years were hard. It might seem that unfortunate circumstances are cock-blocking your future. Remember that out of tragedy comes opportunity. Innovation is the bastard child of inconvenience. So when bread goes stale, make CROUTONS. Burn the chicken and you got one awesome meal for the dog. If the condom breaks…never mind. Always trust your instincts, follow your heart and life will rewards you. And never ever skip out on the finer things in life, like COOKING AND BANGING. Read the rest of this entry »
January 27, 2012
Somewhere over the rainbow, something's turning me on. Must be my Wizard of Oz fantasy.
Nothing gives me a chubby like an aesthetically pleasing plate of food. Not only does it satisfy the hunger pangs, but the emotionally pangs as well. Mark my words, nothing inspires sexy time dessert quite like a beautifully presented meal. How it tastes is almost secondary to how it looks on the plate. Shallow? Perhaps. But don’t question the rules of culinary seduction unless you want that chard on to go to waste. Read the rest of this entry »