July 29, 2009
Pop goes the cherry!
Everyone’s cherry gets popped at some point, save for a few devout priests and nuns. But I wager even these noble and holy rollers have indulged in some sort of debauch. Chances are, these indulgences are of the oral nature. Get your mind out of the gutter; I’m talking about food, fool! Belgium monks once made the greatest beers and chocolate in the world. You can still honor God with an edible orgasm so long as you don’t touch yourself inappropriately while you imbibe. The rest of us sinners have carte blanche to sin carnally while eating pigishly. I reckon it’s about that time to pop pop POP your cherry jubilantly. You will feel like you were touched for the very first time after your first bite. By the second and third and last bite, you will be a filthy culinary nympho eager for more. Next!
Total time: approximately 10 minutes
Projected cost: $5
Drinking Buddy: Champagne
Ingredients (serves 2):
1. 1 dash cinnamon
2. Vanilla ice cream
3. 1 tsp vanilla extract
4. 2 tbsp brown sugar
5. 8-OZ juice (chef’s choice)
6. 1 tsp cornstarch
7. 1/8 butter stick
8. 2 fat handfuls of cherries
Step 1
Bring the juice in a saucepan to a slow simmer on medium heat. Add the butter, brown sugar, vanilla extract, and cinnamon. Scoop out a little of the sauce, mix with the cornstarch, and add back to the sauce and reduce (approx 5 min).
Step 2
Remove the stem and pits from the cherries and throw them into the sauce, cooking until they soften and congeal to the sauce (approx 3 min). Scoop ice cream into bowls and crown with the jubilee, you jubilant bastard!
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RECIPES, SWEET TEMPTATIONS | Tagged: bang, banging, beer, Belgium, brown sugar, butter, Cajun, cherries, cherries jubilee recipe, chocolate, cinnamon, classic, closer, cornstarch, debauch, delicious, dessert, DIY, easy, edible orgasm, food, fruit, game changer, get laid, god, gourmet, guarantee, holy rollers, homemade, ice cream, intercourse, juice, kitchen, libido, monk, naked, New Orleans, nun, pop your cherry, priest, recipe, sauce, seduce, SEDUCTION, sex, sweet, tasty, vanilla extract, yummy | 
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Posted by cooktobang
April 20, 2009
Goodness, gracious grandma's kitchen's on fire!
Out of respect to my dear grandmother, I shall refrain my usual irreverent tomfoolery for once. I have faith that you, dear reader, will realize cookies of this caliber still deserve a place in the prestigious COOK TO BANG canon. The cookies have the potential for solving the world’s problems from the border wars to erectile dysfunction. One bite will bring you back to the innocence of childhood when banging was something you did on your high chair with applesauce all over your face. But don’t let that discourage you, for these cookies are a perfect bait to lure in unsuspecting CTB candidates. They will think your thoughtfulness cute and become disarmed by the outstanding edible bounty you have presented. Invite them over for dinner, drinks and more now that you have demonstrated your culinary prowess. No one will resist when they’re under the cookies’ spell.
Total time: approximately 45 minutes
Projected cost: $10
Drinking Buddy: milk or a BANANA-RAM-YA MILKSHAKE
Ingredients (makes approx 60 cookies):
1. 1¼ cups of flour
2. ¼ cup of granulated white sugar
3. 3½ cups of oats
4. ¾ cup of packed down brown sugar
5. 1½ cups of raisins
6. 1 teaspoon of baking soda
7. 1 packet of vanilla Jell-O pudding
8. 2 eggs
9. 2 sticks of softened butter
Step 1
Preheat the oven to 375 degrees F. Mix the butter, white sugar, brown sugar and pudding mix in a large bowl. Crack the eggs in this bowl and blend it all together.
Step 2
Mix the flour and baking soda in a separate bowl, and then pour into the larger bowl and mix it all together thoroughly. Add in the oats and raisins and mix until you have one sexy bowl of cookie dough.
Step 3
Use a teaspoon to scoop up cookies and throw them on the ungreased baking sheets, allowing 2 inches between. Bake them until they become golden brown (approx 10-12 minutes) and remove from oven to cook. Serve it up with milk and await adulation by the masses.
Leave a Comment » | CARBS WORKIN’ THE CORNER, RECIPES, SWEET TEMPTATIONS | Tagged: amazing cookies, baked goods, baking soda, brown sugar, eggs, flour, Grandma’s oatmeal raisin cookies recipe, grandmother, Jell-O, oatmeal raisin cookies, oats, old-fashion, raisins, rosemary, secret ingredient, simple, softened butter, sweet treats, vanilla pudding, white sugar | Permalink
Posted by cooktobang
March 21, 2009
Don't be a slob, bob on my knob!
You read that right. Why pussyfoot around the subject when we all know what this is about? Sweet action satisfaction! This cobbler is sure to earn you the type of brownie points you can cash in for attention of the oral kind. Of course I’m talking about having your date hand feed you cobbler. What? You thought I was being inappropriate and crass? Me? A guy who writes a recipe blog called Cook To Bang? Get your filthy mind out of the gutter! I am merely trying to provide my beloved readers with upright (or is it uptight?) family values recipes to bring to their Bible groups. And lord knows this dessert is sure to get your date to scream out, “Oh God!”
Total time: approximately 50 minutes
Projected cost: $4
Drinking Buddy: Dust off that bottle of wine and get to the banging already!
Ingredients (serves 2):
1. ½ cup of oats
2. 3 tablespoons of brown sugar
3. 2 handfuls of mango chunks
4. 1/3 of a stick of butter
5. 1 handful of shelled pistachios
6. 1 tablespoon of flour (not pictured, sue me)
Step 1
Preheat the oven to 350 degrees F. Create the crust by melting the butter in a small pot on medium heat. Dump in the brown sugar and stil until it becomes like molasses. Dump in the oats and pistachios and allow the butter and sugar to cook into them (approx 1 minutes). Mix in the flour, stir for a moment, and then turn off the heat.
Step 2
Stuff the mango chunks into 2 small oven-safe bowls or ramekins. Use a spoon to lay the crusts over the top of each bowl and press down so it is all contained. Place these into the oven with something underneath like a baking sheet to catch any spillage. Bake until the crust hardens and caramelizes (approx 40 minutes), then remove from oven, allow to cool, and serve up. Bonus points if you listen to Depeche Mode a la mode while you eat it
2 Comments | RECIPES, SWEET TEMPTATIONS | Tagged: a la mode, baked mango, bang, bible studies, brown sugar, butter, delicious, depeche mode, DIY, easy, flour, game changer, get laid, gourmet, guarantee, homemade, intercourse, kitchen, mango chunks, Mango cobbler recipe, mango crisp recipe, mango dessert, naked, oats, oh god, oral, oven, pistachios, recipe, seduce, sex, slob on my knob, sweet, tasty, yummy | Permalink
Posted by cooktobang
January 13, 2009
Don't hold back, Bust-a-Nut Squash!
Because one BUTTERNUT SQUASH recipe is never enough. This squash is way too tasty and silky for only one trip around the kitchen. Say you have a glorious ENTRÉE already planned. The wine is picked out. The table was set this morning in anticipation for the amazing evening that lies ahead. But alas, you can’t figure out what to serve with your meal that is classy and delicious. You, my friends (in John McCain voice), are in luck! This dish is hands off and can be prepared passively while you bust out your extraordinary closer recipe. Just be sure to give yourself plenty of time for the squash to roast, and thus fill up your kitchen with sexy smells that make the angels cry. Glory glory hallelujah on your plate. I made this dish last night for a beautiful, but squeamish vegetarian. She complained about the butter and Parmesan ingredients until she took her first bite. Then she took her second and third bites, and then finally she finished it off, inquiring if I had another. I did not have another Bust-a-Nut Squash, but we both got what we wanted. Amen to that!
**My cooking guru, Cookie Lewis and the News, taught me this dish. Her culinary skills make Emeril look like a pansy!
Total time: approximately 45 minutes
Projected cost: $5
Drinking Buddy: Depends on what you serve with it, but I recommend whiskey, like America’s founding fathers
Ingredients (serves two):
1. 1 tablespoon of olive oil
2. 1 tablespoon of brown sugar
3. 1 tablespoon of butter
4. 3 garlic cloves diced
5. 1 healthy handful of Parmesan
6. 1 butternut squash split and gutted
Step 1
Preheat oven to 400 degrees F. Spread olive oil on each side of the innards of the butternut squash. Scatter the garlic and brown sugar evenly throughout and cover each separately with tinfoil. Roast the squash halves until you can easily pierce the meat with a fork (approx 35 minutes).
Step 2
Scoop out the roast butternut squash meat from the shells being sure to leave them in tact. Mix the squash meat with the butter and Parmesan, using a fork to mash it all together. Scoop the mixture back into the squash shells and salt and pepper as you like. Serve one re-stuffed butternut squash shell onto each plate confident that it tastes 100% CARBOLUSCIOUS!
Leave a Comment » | carboluscious, CARBS WORKIN’ THE CORNER, RECIPES, vegetarian | Tagged: bang, brown sugar, bust a nut, butter, butternut squash, delicious, easy, fancy, game changer, garlic, get laid, gourmet, guarantee, hearty, intercourse, kitchen, naked, parmesan, recipe, roast squash recipe, roasted, Roasted butternut squash recipe, romance, scoop, SEDUCTION, sex, shells, stuff, tasty, yummy | Permalink
Posted by cooktobang
October 24, 2008
- If this doesn’t get you laid, you might consider a monastery.
Nothing will make your date say, “I’m going to bang them for making the extra effort,” like a delicious dessert to cap off an awesome meal. This recipe has morphed over the years and is always deal closer. Plus you usually have leftovers for those straight out of the fridge with a spoon after marathon sex moments.
Ingredients:
1. 3 apples peeled and sliced thinly like potato chips
2. 1 package frozen blueberries (fresh are always better)
3. 1/2 cup of oats
4. 1/2 cup of brown sugar
5. 1/2 a stick of butter
Step 1
Preheat oven to 375 degree. Grease a casserole dish or baking pan with butter. Then lay out the apple slices and berries evenly through the pan. Sprinkle cinnamon for extra flavor.
Step 2
On low heat, melt the butter in a saucepan. Throw in the brown sugar and stir until it becomes the consistency of gooey molasses. Add the oats and stir so the oats begin to cook and expand.
Step 3
Cover the apple/berry mix with the brown-sugary oats so you have a think crust over the entire dish.
Step 4
Bake in the oven for 45 minutes until the apples/berry appear soft and the crust is a golden brown. Remove from the oven and allow it to cool. Serve with ice cream if things get too steamy.
Variations:
• You can substitute the fruits such as mangoes, bananas, kiwis, but never EVER use orange!
Leave a Comment » | RECIPES, SWEET TEMPTATIONS | Tagged: a la mode, apple, blueberry, brown betty, brown sugar, crisp, delicious, dessert, ice cream, oats, SEDUCTION, SWEET TEMPTATIONS | Permalink
Posted by cooktobang
Total time: approximately 10 minutes
Cook To Bang - Recipes To Get You Laid 