BAKED BRIEZ NUTS

August 3, 2015
Brie-lieve in yourself, and your date will believe any BS you tell them.

Brie-lieve in yourself, and your date will believe any BS you tell them.

Your idea of fine wine and cheese may be a box of Franzia and cheese whiz on a Ritz. But that road will lead you down a date with your own reflection, or possibly your mom’s bridge club treasurer.  You would be much better served taking a few minutes to razzle dazzle your sexy someone with some tricks of the oven.  Serving Brie cheese screams out, “I am indeed sophisticated and quite possibly speak French…when I’m not freelancing as an art appraiser for the Royal Family that is.”  I concocted this delight after seeing something similar dish at a dinner party. The chef responsible was forced to endure pointed questions about how and what from the cutest girl at the table.  Naturally, I took note of both the chef in question’s game and his rock star recipe.  Some tweaks were in order to turn it into kryptonite for the most frigid of lust interests.  Walnuts make everything better, particularly when brown sugar caramelizes them into a dish heretofore unstoppable.  If baked Brie served with bread and a bottle of cabernet won’t get the job done, I suggest a trip to the vet to get neutered.

baked-briez-nuts-prep1Ingredients:
1. 1/8 stick of butter
2. 1 handful of crushed walnuts
3. 2 tablespoons of brown sugar
4. 5 thin slices of a pear
5. 1 pie piece of Brie cheese

Step 1
Preheat the oven to 300 degrees.  Grease a baking pan with a little butter.  Use the pear slices as a bed for the brie to sit on top of.  Use the rest of the butter and spread over the brie.  Spread the brown sugar evenly over the brie/butter.  Finally crown it all with the walnuts like the royalty that it is.
baked-briez-nuts-pre-bake1
Step 2
Throw your culinary creation into the oven and bake for 30 minutes.  The brown sugar will be caramelized and the cheese supple as a Vestal Virgin.  Serve on plate with slices of French bread or crackers and let the wanton lust take control of the mighty impressed object of your affection.baked-briez-nuts-served-2


CHARRED OCTOPUSSY SALAD

July 16, 2015
Don't be an octopussy.  Eat the goddamn salad!

Don’t be an octopussy. Eat the goddamn salad!

Don’t mess with Octopussy.  That girl has Bond and every other man wrapped around her fingers, eight to be exact.  But that was before she went through the Bond rotation.  Octopussy never recovered once he cast her aside for the next tramp that could crush his spine with her thighs.  That’s where I came in.  She needed a rebound and I was generous to provide my body for that purpose.  All I had to do was sneak into her floating palace past her army of trained female bodyguards with a bag full of groceries. You may assume that I am trained with the ability to scale walls and hold my breath underwater for over an hour.  But all I have is my charisma and disarming sense of humor.  So I subdued the Octopussy cult army with cooking anecdotes and they took me to their leader.  It was tempting to just engage in a massive orgy with her trained killers, but my mission was to Cook To Bang Octopussy.  Homegirl gave me 10 minutes to impress her or I would be fed to her bloodthirsty manatees.  That was just enough time to fix up this salad and present it to Octopussy.  One bite and she was hooked.  We banged until her ego was restored.  And like a good villainess, she kicked me out of bed right after and went back to work on her world domination plot. Read the rest of this entry »


O-FACED OATMEAL

July 1, 2015

When your date says “Oh!” you say “Yeah!”

Oh boy! Oh man! Oh god! Oh-oh-oh-oh-oh (to NKTOB groove)! These are just some of the many reactions I have heard to making oatmeal CTB style. We’ve all eaten instant oatmeal, mostly during childhood, although some of us (my friends know who I speak of) still gobble that shit up. But what about the rest of whose taste buds haven’t matured beyond a 6-year-old, their fingers stained with Kool-Aid? Oatmeal can be something other than a bland exercise in self-restraint. But why not have the best of both worlds? Nutrition and flavor can still give each other lap dances with the right amount of TLC. And that’s what this recipe is all about. Here’s to the one sleeping in your bed who’s waking up to a big surprise. Expect them to be smiling like a donut. Read the rest of this entry »


GRILLED SEXTARINES

June 12, 2015
Grilled Nectarines reign supreme in the BBQ scene.

Grilled Nectarines reign supreme in the BBQ scene.

This is as close as you can get to grilling up sex appeal. Most grilling consists of men cooking meat for the pleasure of other men. That’s not gay. Right? But this little side dish/DESSERT breaks all the machismo boundaries and labels associated with backyard barbecues. You have the fire for the cavemen, the fruity fun for the ladies, and the sweetness for the kid in all of us. Plus these nectarines are so simple to make that you could develop quantum physic formulas simultaneously. You are running out of excuses not to make these sweet satisfactions for someone your sweet on. Best get down to the produce aisle then. Read the rest of this entry »


SPANK MY HALIBUT

June 5, 2015
Alaskan halibut is sexier than Sarah Palin marinaded in contradiction

Alaskan halibut is sexier than Sarah Palin marinaded in contradiction

Welcome to the big time, my friends.  This dish is intended for someone rather special because halibut ain’t cheap and it takes a while to prepare.  But you can’t put a price on edible orgasms, at least not legally outside of Amsterdam.  Your date will be so impressed by this outstanding piece of seafood that you will need a crowbar to pry them off of you.  If they are not thoroughly blown away by your cooking prowess than they are most likely a cyborg from the future sent to kill you before you sire the rebel leader a la John Connor.  This is actually a great litmus test that could very well save humanity.  But I digress.  The point is this dish will set your date’s mouth and loins ablaze with passion.  The first time I prepared this dish, I received countless e-mails from my date’s friends who I did not know asking me for the recipe. Only a fool would simply hand over a recipe (case in point).  Instead I offered the cute ones private tutorials.  To the Alaskan halibut fisherman, I owe you a beer or ten! Read the rest of this entry »


CHICKEN WINGMAN

June 13, 2011
Like a good homie, these chicken wings got your back
Like a good homie, these chicken wings got your back

Some guys are breast men; others are legmen; I’m a wingman.  My single friends (male and female) can attest to my ability to create connections that often lead to copulation.  You’re all very welcome.  But that’s what friends do for each other.  And you should be no different.  Lovers come and go, but friendships can last a lifetime and age like fine wines.  And that’s why you need to look out for your people whether that means offering a shoulder to cry on, a pivot so they can get that hottie at the bar’s number, or just serving them up a plate of chicken wings.  I won’t lie to you and say that chicken wings are sexy.  Barbaric yes with the tearing meat off the bone with your teeth, but subtle and sexy like a sultry salad or sexy soup they are not.  But if you have yourself a sports fan that wants to watch the game between banging marathons then this recipe is for you.  This dish is fast to prep, quicker to cook and will be consumed in the blink of an eye.  Now be a good friend and help your hungry posse out (especially if it’s just the two of you). Read the rest of this entry »


STROKE MY BANANAS FOSTER

August 16, 2010
Only sexy monkeys deserve to taste these bananas
Only sexy monkeys deserve to taste these bananas

The South will rise again…in your mouth.  I do declare!  This outstanding Southern Cuisine classic is a sure fire way of impressing even that skeptical date who sneered at the 4-course meal you’ve already served.  Your caveman instinct will kick in like a racehorse back-kick to the cranium the moment you combine fire and food.  Putting an amazing dessert on fire is like thunking a cave-babe over the head with a club and dragging her into the cave (works on cave-dudes too).  The bananas sweet crispy outside gives way to a hot creamy center that is begging for some culinary cunnilingus.  The extra Foster sauce works like a much-need lube that allows you to navigate the sweet and rummy flavors.  And you can always cool it all down with dip in the melting ice cream pool.  Prepare to have your mind and possibly something else blown.

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SEE ME PLEASE ME FEED ME KIWIS

February 23, 2010

Ain't no peewees with these kiwis.

Much props to New Zealanders for being so lovable. Here’s looking at you Bret and Jemaine! Those kiwis are a treat to be around, especially in their home turf. I visited Queenstown, NZ a while back and was taken a back by the natural beauty of the place. The mountains and lakes and rivers and shit were nice too. Kiwi girls got that organically cute look going on fun and are always up for it, whatever ìitî may be. A drunken lout I met at a Sydney party told me right before I flew to New Zealand, ìWhen you tap a kiwi on the shoulder her panties fall down.î Thanks for the tip, Aussie Aussie, oi oi! He was right. And not only that, Kiwi girls, at least the one I met in Queenstown, did me one better. She dragged me out of the bar, banged me like her forefathers banged their sheep, and then fed me after. Bang to Cook. What she served me was reminiscent of this little ditty. Fresh kiwis served as a decadent dessert hit the spot before I was dragged back to bed for round 2 through 14.

Total time: approximately 25 minutes
Projected cost: $4
Drinking Buddy: Port or dessert wine

Ingredients (Serves 2):
1. 2 tbsp brown sugar
2. 1 tsp garam masala*
3. 2 tbsp margarine
4. 8 kiwis
*Indian spice made of cumin, coriander, cardamom, peppercorn, cinnamon, cloves, nutmeg, and saffron

Step 1
Cut off the ends of the kiwi, slice down one side, and remove the peels. Cut the kiwis in half and you are ready to rumble.

Step 2
On low heat, melt the margarine, add the brown sugar and garam masala, and stir into a syrup. Add the slices of kiwi and sauté in the syrup until the kiwis soften and the color starts to fade (approx 20 min). Serve solo or over ice cream or another desert that needs some extra boom-shaka-laka.

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RUB MY BUTTERCUPS

February 19, 2010

Rub a dub dub, let's bang after this grub

Feel that. Cup your hand and take it all in. Yeah, that’s nice right? I worked hard to firm up my buttercups just so. This I assure you is no accident. Take another and another. You can’t resist, can you? I don’t blame you. With this much sex appeal turbo-loaded into one little dessert, I have a hard time leaving the house. You really don’t have to when you have such a delicious bait to lure the luckies in who get to bang you after eating your kitchen’s delights. Brownie/peanut butter cookie hybrids are dangerous and should not be allowed to fall into the wrong hands. Jihadists and ex-KGB scientists alike could destroy the world with sweet satisfaction. That much unchecked power can overwhelm even the most ethical of culinary Casanovas. So when you’re getting your buttercups rubbed, remember that with great flavor comes great responsibility.

Total time: approximately 60 minutes
Projected cost: $15
Drinking Buddy: Milk

Ingredients (Serves 2):
1. 2 cups flour
2. 2 3/4 cups brown sugar
3. 3/4 cup cocoa
4. 1 tsp salt
5. 2 tsp vanilla extract
6. 1/2 cup HONEY
7. 1 cup semi-sweet chocolate chips
8. 1/2 cup peanut butter
9. 3/4 tsp baking powder
10. 4 eggs
11. 2 sticks butter

Step 1
Preheat your oven to 375°F/190°C.  Sift together 3/4 cups flour, cocoa mix, 3/4 cups brown sugar, salt and 1/4 tsp baking powder.  Melt 1 stick of butter and beat in 2 eggs, and 1tsp vanilla extract.  Mix the eggs/butter combination with the dry cocoa/flour/sugar mix into a batter.  Blend in the chocolate chips and you have mind-blowing batter that you can bake or lick off your date.

Step 2
Grease a large baking pan and spread the brownie batter flat. Bake solo until the brown batter begins to harden (approx 25 min).

Step 3
Melt the remaining stick of butter and mix with the peanut butter.  Mix in the remaining 2 eggs and 1 tsp vanilla.  Next mix the 1/4 tsp baking powder, honey, and 2 cups brown sugar.  Finally mix in the 1 1/4 cups flour.

Step 4
Carefully pour out and spread the peanut butter brownie, making sure not to unsettle the brownie bottom. Bake in the oven until the peanut butter cookie top cooks all the way through (approx 30 min). You should be able to poke a toothpick all the way through without getting any batter. Allow them cool before cutting and serving.

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DON’T BREAK UP, KETCHUP!

February 15, 2010

Serve up ketchup to cure up relationship hiccups

Post Valentines Day blues? Did you forget to buy jewelry? Bring baby’s breath flowers instead of roses? OR were you the insensitive $@*&! that forgot the day altogether? Regardless of your trespasses, your significant other is mighty pissed. Odds are your ass is about to be bounced right out the door. You best be proactive to solve this little quandary before they are on the phone with that ex you hate or off to the bar to slut it up with the first sketchball that buys them a drink. Take it from a guy who has pissed off more girls than I have hairs on my head (no receding hairline here), drastic measures are called for if you want to keep them around. Since the CTB method is my ticket to everything from company for the night to free timeshare rentals in Costa Rica, food is the answer to most of my problems. Cook To Beg with a jar of homemade ketchup.

Total time: approximately 12 hours (1 hr cooking, 11 hrs refrigerated)
Projected cost: $5
Drinking Buddy: Depends on what you slather it over

Ingredients (serves 2):
1. 2 tbsp CALIVIRGIN olive oil
2. 1 small can tomato paste
3. ½ cup white wine vinegar
4. 1 28 OZ can tomatoes
5. 1/2 cup brown sugar
6. 1 onion chopped coarsely
7. 1 dash salt
8. 1 small handful chopped BASIL

Step 1
Puree the tomatoes.

Step 2
Sauté the onion in olive oil on medium heat (approx 5 min). Add the pureed tomatoes, and mix in the brown sugar, basil, salt, white wine vinegar, and tomato paste. Bring to a roaring boil, and then simmer on low heat uncovered until the liquid reduces in half (approx 45 min).

Step 3
Puree everything in the stockpot. Dump the contents into a bowl, cover with saran wrap, and refrigerate overnight. Serve as the most epic condom-ment for fries, eggs, potatoes, or just about anything that would be loved up by the classic red sauce.

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