MÉNAGE À TOFU TRIANGLES

December 18, 2015
There's room for one more, three's never a crowd.

There's room for one more, three's never a crowd.

I don’t know about the rest of you, but I have a hard time saying no to a three-way.  Even if that just means three-sided tofu treats, I’m down.  So many good things come in threes.  Comedy gold is done in trifecta.  My favorite nights of carnal connections involved a third party.  Clearly three is company and never a crowd.  And what better way to ignite such an evening of exploration and fornication than with some edible treats?  These tofu triangles are classy, sassy and won’t leave you gassy. Plus you can appeal to the free loving hippie in all of us by serving tofu.  A little curiosity never hurt no one no how! Read the rest of this entry »


BANGRIA

November 6, 2015
Go ahead, drink up that mystical gypsy potion!

Go ahead, drink up that mystical gypsy potion!

The sound of castanets and Flamenco guitar riffs echo through the streets.  I see a momentary flash of a beautiful figure in a black dress sauntering towards, and then she’s gone.  Carmen?  Is that you again?    It seems that every time I eat Spanish tapas and drink sangria she appears.  That unattainable Spanish hard body has been haunting my subconscious ever since I first laid eyes on her in a bar in Valencia.  There I was, the gringo in the corner of the Spanish nightclub sipping my first sangria.  Carmen crossed the room towards me, took my glass and downed it, then led me onto the dance floor.  She wrapped on leg around my hip and I melted.  The filthy suggestions she breathed heavily into my ear in her native tongue sent my mind skitso.  Carmen sent me for one last round of sangria.  When I eagerly returned she had vanished.  To this day I don’t know if she was real or a hallucination brought on by a sangria overdose.  That is why I make sangria now.  Perhaps Carmen will return or, at the very least, I can turn the woman I serve it to into Carmen…for the night. Read the rest of this entry »


IT’S SO FIG! SHRIMP

August 5, 2013

Fellas, say this when you serve it up, “Soy Senor Grande Magnifico!”

After you CTB for a while, you get immune to the awe-inspired praise. Deliver the two primal pleasures in large quantities and you will have them brainwashed. Wielding the culinary seduction skills of a wizard has its advantages. You are in control, literally dishing out doses of delight turns you into the banging equivalent of a crack dealer. Intense rushes of ìoohsî and ìahsî are dealt like vials of culinary crack on the playground. Your chosen playpal(s) will be unable to resist you whenever you lead them by the hand into your kitchen. Culinary crack hos they will soon become. This aphrodisiac triple-threat is the perfect first taste that will leave them begging for their next fix. Read the rest of this entry »


NOT-SO-TEENY WEENY BELLINI

September 24, 2010
This Bellini for me?  Ain't you a pureed peach!

This Bellini for me? Ain't you a pureed peach!

Most of us can’t claim to have a 100-foot yacht, 10 personal assistants, and our own private island. That privilege belongs to me.  These lavish riches are made possible by blogging about cooking and banging in my drafty garage. Sorry, suckers.  But fear not, for you can simulate this dilettante existence with a few simple adjustments: Cook with real potatoes rather than microwave tater tots you bought with food stamps; light your dining room table with candles instead of your Winnie the Pooh nightlight; make a classy drink from scratch rather than drink 3 bottles of Night Train in front of the Home Depot.  Easy enough even if you don’t light your Cuban cigars with $100 bills like me.  May I introduce this bubbly taste of class known to the civilized world as the Bellini?  It’s like a Mimosa remix that keeps them coming back for seconds, thirds and their tenth glass.  And what perfect timing with Valentines Day around the corner!  Serve this with dessert or the morning after following a night of carnal consummation.  You could also just pour it all over your naked body and invite your sweetie to lick you clean.  Regardless, know that you are in fact a peach. Read the rest of this entry »


SOCK-IT-TO-ME SALMON SINWICH

June 8, 2010

Sock my sockeye salmon!

Grilled salmon sandwiches WILL get the attention of just about anyone you care to engage in hanky panky. Give them the unexpected and they shall swoon. At least that is what I find every time I try something new or unusual. Even if you crash and burn, brownie points will be yours. But alas, I vouch for this recipe as “a friend of mine” in the mob tradition. This recipe is worthy of putting my life on the line. I have no quarrels with saying, “Yes, you may shoot me in the face if you don’t like it”. Sock-it-to-me! Read the rest of this entry »


KETCHUP SEX PASTA

December 7, 2009

It's important to catch up with old friends with benefits.

It’s always a trip banging someone you haven’t seen in a long while.  The experience seems so foreign, yet so familiar. You remember their curves, their scent, and that thing they do with their tongue.  There was definitely a reason that you once engaged in erotic research together.  A three-course meal that will require half the day to prepare isn’t in the cards with that much catching up to do.  In order to relive those misty watercolor memories of carnal connections, you should make something slamming that can be whipped up in a hurry.  This is the concoction I threw together when such an occasion occurred.  A long forgotten ex in town for business for a night was the lucky recipient of this accidental bang-de-force.  I sent home-girl to her sales meeting with a bounce in her step from a pleasant evening catching up with ketchup.

Total time: approximately 20 minutes
Projected cost: $5
Drinking Buddy: Red vino always

Ingredients (serves 2):
1. 2 dashes salt
2. 1 dash BASIL flakes
3. 2 tbsp CALIVIRGIN olive oil
4. 3 tbsp ketchup
5. 2 handfuls kale
6. 8-OZ spaghetti
7. 2 garlic cloves sliced thinly
8. 1 handful goat cheese
9. 1 small eggplant chopped coarsely
10. ½ apple sliced thinly

Step 1
Create the sauce by sautéing the garlic with olive oil.  Add the eggplant and a shot glass of water and cook until the water is absorbed (approx 3 min).  Throw in the apples, smother them in olive oil, then toss in the kale, spice with salt and basil and cook down the ingredients (approx 4 min).  Squeeze in the ketchup, mix around and slow simmer while you move onto Step 2.

Step 2
Salt the boiling water and cook the pasta al dente. Drain the pasta and add it to the pasta sauce and toss thoroughly.  Plate up the pasta and crumble goat cheese over.

Serve this up quick and get back to the thick.

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POP THEIR CHERRY JUBILEE

July 29, 2009
Pop goes the cherry!

Pop goes the cherry!

Everyone’s cherry gets popped at some point, save for a few devout priests and nuns.  But I wager even these noble and holy rollers have indulged in some sort of debauch.  Chances are, these indulgences are of the oral nature.  Get your mind out of the gutter; I’m talking about food, fool! Belgium monks once made the greatest beers and chocolate in the world.  You can still honor God with an edible orgasm so long as you don’t touch yourself inappropriately while you imbibe.  The rest of us sinners have carte blanche to sin carnally while eating pigishly.  I reckon it’s about that time to pop pop POP your cherry jubilantly. You will feel like you were touched for the very first time after your first bite.  By the second and third and last bite, you will be a filthy culinary nympho eager for more.  Next!

cherries jubilee prepTotal time: approximately 10 minutes
Projected cost: $5
Drinking Buddy: Champagne

Ingredients (serves 2):
1. 1 dash cinnamon
2. Vanilla ice cream
3. 1 tsp vanilla extract
4. 2 tbsp brown sugar
5. 8-OZ juice (chef’s choice)
6. 1 tsp cornstarch
7. 1/8 butter stick
8. 2 fat handfuls of cherries

Step 1
Bring the juice in a saucepan to a slow simmer on medium heat.  Add the butter, brown sugar, vanilla extract, and cinnamon.  Scoop out a little of the sauce, mix with the cornstarch, and add back to the sauce and reduce (approx 5 min).
cherries jubilee sauce
Step 2
Remove the stem and pits from the cherries and throw them into the sauce, cooking until they soften and congeal to the sauce (approx 3 min).  Scoop ice cream into bowls and crown with the jubilee, you jubilant bastard!
cherries jubilee cherries scoop

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