July 30, 2009
They host, you boast...to your friends after the act.
The COOK TO BANG has been proven by the superstring theory via that supercollider in the Swiss Alps. Effective as CTB may be, every once in a while you want to take your sexy cooking show on the road. Why not take your wares to your dates pad? It’ll seem spontaneous and romantic, even if you just don’t feel like cleaning up the mess after your done banging. The plot is to show up to their place with a bag of groceries and commandeer their kitchen like some hungry pirate. Soon you will be swashbuckling about with their pots and pans and will eventually end up without shirts or pants, just an eye patch and a dirty-talking parrot. Sure your date may be technically hosting, but you will both know who’s in control. This salad will be a great first mate as you pillage and plunder your date’s booty.
Total time: approximately 40 minutes
Projected cost: $9
Drinking Buddy: Red wine or a PANTY DROPPING SHANDY
Ingredients (serves 2):
1. ½ cup balsamic vinegar
2. 2 tbsp HONEY
3. 1 dash black pepper
4. 1 dash salt
5. ½ tbsp olive oil
6. 2 large handfuls fresh spinach
7. 1 handful shredded mozzarella
8. 2 heirloom tomatoes
9. 4 fresh BASIL leaves
10. ¼ lemon
Step 1
Preheat the oven to 350°F. Slice each heirloom tomato in half and set them in a baking pan. Drizzle the tomatoes with olive oil, sprinkle them with salt and pepper, place a basil leaf on each and crown them with mozzarella. Toss them in the oven and roast until the tomato softens and cheese melts (approx 35 min).
Step 2
Make the balsamic reduction dressing by turning stove onto medium heat and adding the honey and balsamic vinegar, stirring vigorously. Cook the liquid down to 1/3 of its original volume. Pour the dressing into a container and allow it to cool.
Step 3
Split the spinach between plates. Place two roasted heirloom tomatoes on each bed of spinach and pour over the balsamic reduction. Squeeze some lemon juice over if your craving some sour.
Serve up as a perfect lunch after a quickie (hint, bang while the heirloom tomatoes roast) or as a starter for an ENTRÉE.
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aphrodisiac, APHRODISIACS ANONYMOUS, fusion, healthy, LEAFY & LOVELY, RECIPES, vegetarian | Tagged: aphrodisiac, balsamic vinegar, bang, banging, basil, black pepper, booty, commandeer, delicious, dirty-talking, DIY, easy, eye patch, food, game changer, get laid, gourmet, guarantee, healthy, heirloom tomato, homemade, honey, intercourse, kitchen, lemon, libido, mozzarella, naked, olive oil, parrot, pillage, pirate, plunder, recipe, roast heirloom tomato salad recipe, salad, salt, seduce, SEDUCTION, sex, spinach, spontaneous, supercollider, superstring theory, swashbuckling, swiss alps, tasty, yummy | 
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Posted by cooktobang
July 29, 2009
Pop goes the cherry!
Everyone’s cherry gets popped at some point, save for a few devout priests and nuns. But I wager even these noble and holy rollers have indulged in some sort of debauch. Chances are, these indulgences are of the oral nature. Get your mind out of the gutter; I’m talking about food, fool! Belgium monks once made the greatest beers and chocolate in the world. You can still honor God with an edible orgasm so long as you don’t touch yourself inappropriately while you imbibe. The rest of us sinners have carte blanche to sin carnally while eating pigishly. I reckon it’s about that time to pop pop POP your cherry jubilantly. You will feel like you were touched for the very first time after your first bite. By the second and third and last bite, you will be a filthy culinary nympho eager for more. Next!
Total time: approximately 10 minutes
Projected cost: $5
Drinking Buddy: Champagne
Ingredients (serves 2):
1. 1 dash cinnamon
2. Vanilla ice cream
3. 1 tsp vanilla extract
4. 2 tbsp brown sugar
5. 8-OZ juice (chef’s choice)
6. 1 tsp cornstarch
7. 1/8 butter stick
8. 2 fat handfuls of cherries
Step 1
Bring the juice in a saucepan to a slow simmer on medium heat. Add the butter, brown sugar, vanilla extract, and cinnamon. Scoop out a little of the sauce, mix with the cornstarch, and add back to the sauce and reduce (approx 5 min).
Step 2
Remove the stem and pits from the cherries and throw them into the sauce, cooking until they soften and congeal to the sauce (approx 3 min). Scoop ice cream into bowls and crown with the jubilee, you jubilant bastard!
Leave a Comment » | RECIPES, SWEET TEMPTATIONS | Tagged: bang, banging, beer, Belgium, brown sugar, butter, Cajun, cherries, cherries jubilee recipe, chocolate, cinnamon, classic, closer, cornstarch, debauch, delicious, dessert, DIY, easy, edible orgasm, food, fruit, game changer, get laid, god, gourmet, guarantee, holy rollers, homemade, ice cream, intercourse, juice, kitchen, libido, monk, naked, New Orleans, nun, pop your cherry, priest, recipe, sauce, seduce, SEDUCTION, sex, sweet, tasty, vanilla extract, yummy | Permalink
Posted by cooktobang
July 28, 2009
Pimp that shrimp like a chimp with a limp
First off, my apologies for yesterdays post. I think I ate the brown acid again. As penance, please accept this kick ass salad that is scrumptious, packed with protein and an aphrodisiac quadruple threat. This dish will not disappoint in the pimping department. All those flavors will be out working the corner for you, luring johns and janes in for a little cat scratch fever. Once they get a taste, they will be customers for life…or until you kick their ass to the curb in favor of a better paying/looking clientele. Always remember that a good pimp is a kind pimp. No need to rough up the goods by tossing that salad too hard. A couple good shakes will put the flavor hos in line to do your bidding. Now get out there and get that money, honey!
Total time: approximately 30 minutes
Projected cost: $17
Drinking Buddy: RAGING HARD ON LEMONADE
Ingredients (serves 2):
1. 1 dash CAYENNE PEPPER
2. 1 dash salt
3. 1 tbsp red wine vinegar
4. 1 tbsp olive oil
5. 1 small handful jack cheese
6. 1 red bell pepper chopped coarsely
7. ½ lb ASPARAGUS spears
8. 1 small handful BASIL chopped finely
9. 1 small handful parsley chopped finely
10. ½ lemon
11.½ lb cook SHRIMP, tails removed
12. 2 large handfuls fresh spinach
Step 1
Cut the stems off the asparagus spears and blanch them in a thin layer of water (approx 5 min). Chop the asparagus in half.
Step 2
While the asparagus blanches, create the dressing by combining the basil, parsley, cayenne pepper, salt, red wine vinegar and olive oil.
Step 3
Toss the red bell pepper, shrimp, asparagus, dressing and lemon. Allow it to marinate in the fridge (approx 20 min).
Step 4
Place half the spinach on each plate and crown with jack cheese. Drain the dressing from the shrimp and veggies and split up the goods.
Serve as perfect lunch salad or follow it up with something meaty like ROASTED CHICKEN RUB DOWN.
Leave a Comment » | aphrodisiac, APHRODISIACS ANONYMOUS, atkins, fusion, healthy, LEAFY & LOVELY, RECIPES, seafood | Tagged: aphrodisiac, asparagus, bang, banging, basil, brown acid, cat scratch fever, cayenne pepper, dairy, delicious, DIY, easy, fiber, food, game changer, get laid, gourmet, greens, guarantee, healthy, homemade, hos, intercourse, jack cheese, janes, johns, kitchen, lemon, libido, low-carb, naked, olive oil, parsley, penance, pimp, pimp that shrimpy ass-paragus recipe, prostitutes, protein, recipe, red bell pepper, red wine vinegar, roughage, salad, salt, seduce, SEDUCTION, sex, shrimp, shrimp asparagus salad recipe, spinach, tasty, toss your salad, veggies, whores, yummy | Permalink
Posted by cooktobang
July 16, 2009
This wrap is both Sexy and environmentally friendly!
Calling all hippie hotties! They are few and far between. Most of these moonbeaming beauties’ looks have faded away like Jerry. Yoga and clean living have saved a few, not to mention the new recruits who haven’t become jaded by the man keeping them down. To those I merely say, “You hungry for some like totally dank organic yumminess?” Bring that free lovin’ attitude of yours and a bottle of something “heady”. I’ll crank some Dead bootlegs that I’ve been hording for just such trip down the hairy rabbit hole. Keep on keeping on down the road now. Take a wrap for the road you’ll be “Truckin’.”
Total time: approximately 15 minutes
Projected cost: $5
Drinking Buddy: SLUTTY TEMPLE
Ingredients (serves 2):
1. 2 handfuls lettuce chopped coarsely
2. 4 steamed BEETS chopped in rounds
3. 2 tbsp salad dressing (chef’s choice)
4. 2 burrito-sized tortillas
5. 2 veggie burgers
6. 1 small handful slivered almonds
7. 3 1 tomato chopped coarsely
8. 1 small handful or feta cheese.
Step 1
First grill or pan-fry the veggie burgers and cut them up with the spatula.
Step 2
Assemble the wrap in a long thin line across the tortilla laying out the lettuce, beets, tomato, almonds, feta cheese and veggie burger. Add any dressing or sauce.
Step 3
Wrap them up folding the tortilla a third of the way over, fold over the left and right ends, and roll it over the top. Cut the wraps in half.
Serve up the wraps solo or with some SOUP.
1 Comment | aphrodisiac, APHRODISIACS ANONYMOUS, fusion, healthy, hippie, RECIPES, SINWICHES, vegetarian | Tagged: almonds, aphrodisiac, bang, banging, beets, bootlegs, burrito, dairy, dank, delicious, DIY, easy, feta cheese, food, game changer, garden burger, get laid, gourmet, Grateful Dead, guarantee, healthy, hippie burger, hippie hotties bohemians, homemade, intercourse, Jerry Garcia, kitchen, lettuce, libido, moonbeaming, naked, organic, recipe, salad dressing, seduce, SEDUCTION, sex, tasty, to go, tomato, tortilla, truckin’, vegetarian, veggie burger, veggie burger wrap recipe, veggie wrap, wrap that hippie burger up tight recipe, yoga, yumminess, yummy | Permalink
Posted by cooktobang
July 10, 2009
You can't argue with sound arithmetic!
I’m often asked, “What is the Cook To Bang soundtrack?” Chances are good that you will be listening to music while you cook, eat and bang. So how do you create a sound scape that will move you towards your goal of banging? This is subjective. What some consider a great tune, others would prefer to hear the death rattle of their own child. It speaks volumes for our over-privileged and self-indulgent culture that we have the luxury to debate it ad nausea. Entire social cliques are built around musical tastes. Beatniks, hippies, punks, hip hoppers, grunge rockers, ravers, hipsters and whatever comes next all have a soundtrack to their lives.
My own conundrum is that the hottest women listen to the worst music. Ever been to a trendy club with the beautiful people? I’m picky about my music and Top 40 makes me nauseous. Sometimes I just swallow my pride and pretend to enjoy it for the sake of my libido. But that cheesy soundtrack can follow onto your date. Shelve your obscure and cacophonous grooves unless your date shares your love for Tuvian throat singers. Try to find a happy medium that doesn’t inspire you to administer a self-lobotomy.
The clever Cook To Bang chef has music prepped before their date arrives. Technology leaves you with no excuse for prepping the perfect seduction mix. You don’t want to fumble around in the midst of macking to find that one song by that one band on that one album. Don’t find yourself sucking face while listening to a sexy Massive Attack track when suddenly a Spanish-language lesson kills the moment. Right as you were about to boldly go where some have gone before, you hear, “Hola! Soy Juan. Donde esta el banque?” Funny? Yes. Sexy? No. Sexy music is in the ear of the beholder.
Below is a list of songs that have led to my most succulent success stories. These are the sexiest songs I know that create a vibe you can exploit. Some of you will dismiss my suggestions and pure poppycock. What do I know besides how to COOK TO BANG?
• Air – “Highschool Lover”
• The Beastie Boys – “Hey Ladies”
• Beck – “Debra”
• Belle & Sebastian – “Stars of Track & Field”
• Boards of Canada – “Olson”
• Blur – “Jets”
• The Brian Jonestown Massacre – “Anenome”
• Manu Chao – “King of the Bongo”
• The Chemical Brothers – “Get Yourself High”
• Cornelius – “Tone Twilight Zone”
• Depeche Mode – “Enjoy the Silence”
• Diggable Planets – “Rebirth of Slick (Cool Like Dat)
• Electric 6 (w/ Jack White) – “Danger! High Voltage”
• Ella Fitzgerald & Louis Armstrong – “La Vie En Rose”
• Fatboy Slim – “The Weekend Starts Here”
• Fischerspooner – “Emerge”
• The Good, The Bad & The Queen – “History Song”
• Groove Armada – “At the River”
• Chris Isaak – “Wicked Game”
• Jane’s Addiction – “Summertime Rolls”
• Kid Koala – “Drunk Trumpet”
• Kraftwerk – “Autobahn”
• Kruder & Dorfmeister – “Original Bedroom Rockers”
• LCD Soundsytem – “Disco Infiltrator”
• Peggy Lee – “Fever”
• Morcheeba “Moog Island”
• Mos Def – “Ms. Fat Booty”
• Portishead – “Only You”
• Prince – “Darling Nikki”
• Radiohead – “Nude”
• RJD2 – “Smoke & Mirrors”
• Nina Simone – “My Baby Just Cares For Me”
• Tosca – “Worksong”
• Tricky – “Hell Is Round the Corner”
• Ulrich Schnauss – “Knuddelmaus”
• The Velvet Underground – “Pale Blue Eyes”
• The White Stripes – “You’ve Got Her In Your Pocket”
• Zero 7 – “In the Waiting Line”
2 Comments | SEDUCTION | Tagged: bang, banging, beatnik, beck, bell & sebastian, blur, boards of canada, brian jonestown massacre, chris isaak, cornelius, delicious, depeche mode, diggable planets, DIY, easy, electric 6, ella fitzgerald, fatboy slim, fischerspooner, food, game changer, get laid, gourmet, groove armada, grunge rockers, guarantee, hip hop, hipsters, homemade, intercourse, jane's addiction, kid koala, kitchen, kraftwerk, kruder & dorfmeister, lcd soundsystem, libido, louis armstrong, manu chao, massive attack, morcheeba, mos def, mp3, music, naked, nina simone, ounk, peggy lee, playlist, portishead, prince, radiohead, raver, ravers, recipe, rjd2, seduce, SEDUCTION, sex, sound scape, soundtrack, tasty, the bad & the queen, the beastie boys, the chemical brothers, the good, the white stripes, top 40, tosca, tuvian throat singer, ulrich schnauss, velvet underground, yummy, zero 7 | Permalink
Posted by cooktobang
Ingredients (serves 2):
Step 2
Cook To Bang - Recipes To Get You Laid 