FIGGY PIGGY PIZZA

March 23, 2016
A big pig ate figs down to my twig and berries.

A big pig ate figs down to my twig and berries.

I ain’t too proud to admit I’ve porked some sows in my day.  Who of you can claim you never once compromising your standards in the pursuit of ass?  That lone ranger stoically standing all alone on the hill can pat his/herself on the back.  The rest of you know what I’m talking about.  Like I said, these are not my proudest moments.  But I believe in living life free of regret. So what if my friends taunted me mercilessly? There are photos floating somewhere out there of me in college dressed like Hugh Hefner sucking face with what was described to me as “an oompa loompa in a cheerleader costume”.  It was Halloween, damnit!  Jack Daniels was the bastard responsible.  Thank goodness there are compromises like this pizza.  It packs a wallop of flavor from the prosciutto and figs, but minimal carbs.  Now you can have your pig, eat it too, and not be embarrassed to admit it your friends.

fig brie prosciutto pizza prepTotal time: approximately 12 minutes
Projected cost: $9
Drinking Buddy: Red wine, sucka!

Ingredients (serves 2):
1. 1 lavash flatbread
2. 1 tbsp CALIVIRGIN olive oil
3. 1 slice prosciutto
4. 4 long slices Brie cheese
5. 4 FIGS sliced thinly
6. 2 green onions chopped coarsely

Step 1
Preheat oven to 350°F/175°C. Rub olive oil into the flatbread and scatter the green onion, figs, prosciutto, and Brie slices.

fig brie prosciutto pizza assemble

Step 2
Bake the pizza in the oven until the edges brown (approx 10 min).  Remove from the oven and cut into 6-8 slices.

fig brie prosciutto pizza bake

Serve up as FINGER FOOD FOREPLAY or as a warm up to some stunning ENTRÉE.

fig brie prosciutto pizza served 2

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Get ready for some non-spaghetti in beddy!

Get ready for some non-spaghetti in beddy!

This one goes out to all the sexy singles marching blindly to Atkins’ carb-free tune.  Myself included. All this cooking and banging has put a hold on my underwear-modeling career. But only temporarily!  I’m coming back hotter and more in your face awesome than ever.  Healthy food is always the sexiest.  We’ll skip the carbohydrated pasta in favor of nature’s non-processed solution.  Spaghetti squash is an adventure of ingenuity and texture.  It takes to a pasta sauce like a hooker to a free bag of crack.  This simple sauté recipe should set you right.  But pesto would convince just as many of your dates to drop trow.  Now get roasting, my health-minded friends.  I’m hitting the gym to work on my glutes. Read the rest of this entry »


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spaghetti squash salad served

Give ’em a good talker before giving ’em a shocker!

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The resourceful bird gets the worm and makes their lovers squirm with glee.

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Hey Bonita, glad to meet ya!

Food is the great equalizer. No matter how rich, poor, hot, or totally busted you are, we all gotta eat. That’s why the CTB method works so well. Unless you are some enlightened monk impervious to hunger pangs and lascivious loins, we all need to cook and bang. Read the rest of this entry »