FONDLE MY SAUSAGE & PINCH MY PEPPERS

April 21, 2009
Fondle by candle light

Fondle by candle light

Some prudes blanch at the idea of being touched, let alone being fondled.  That is their beast of repressive burden to carry.  Personally, I enjoy being fondled with regularity.  What can I say?  I’m a giver.  I am always ready to offer up something phallic to the ladies on my CTB wish list.  While this dish doesn’t look quite so fresh and so clean as a SALAD, it does tastes like it came out of an Italian mother’s kitchen.  Every bite makes me want to sing an operatic falsetto because the taste is just too much of a good thing.  Take advantage of this dish’s power and make me proud, old sport.

Total time: approximately 30 minutes
Projected cost: $12
Drinking Buddy: Red wine

sausage-n-peppers-prepIngredients (serves 2):
1. ½ teaspoon of black pepper
2. ½ cup of white wine
3. ½ teaspoon of salt
4. 1 tablespoon of olive oil
5. 1 teaspoon of crushed red pepper flakes
6. 2 diced tomatoes
7. 1 green pepper cut into long strips
8. 1 onion cut into long strips
9. 5 sausage links (chicken or veggie sausage OK)
10. 2 garlic cloves chopped finely.

Step 1

Warm the olive oil up in a large pan or wok.  Toss in the garlic and allow to cook (approx 2 minutes).  In the mean time, slice the sausages in half and set them skin side down in the oil. Flip once so the other has of sausage cooks (approx 2 minutes per side).
sausage-n-peppers-garlic-meatStep 2
Next toss in the onions, peppers and tomato, then stir in some pepper, salt and crushed red pepper.  Pour the wine in and cook everything on low until the wine evaporates (approx 20 minutes).
sausage-n-peppers-veggies
Step 3
Toast some bread if you like.  Split the toast and scatter them neatly on the plate.  Serve up some Sausage and Pepper and sing Ave Maria!

sausage-n-peppers-toast-serve1

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PARTYCHOKE CHICKEN CHA CHA

March 13, 2009
Let me see you cha cha chicken!

Let me see you cha cha chicken!

Can you cha cha?  It’s only the simplest dance in the known universe.  I saw syphilitic lab monkeys doing it by accident and that was after an experiment with excess wine consumption.  If a drunken monkey can do it, you should be able to pull it off blindfolded.  This dish is on same page as the cha cha.  It’s almost impossible to screw the pooch on this one.  You could try pouring turpentine into the mix (CTB discourages this wholeheartedly), but then it would have a cool, briny taste.  Just follow the protocol below and spend your extra time kicking game. That will leave you with plenty of time to kick game while you dance the half-naked cha cha. Read the rest of this entry »


EGGPLANT PARMESAN BOOTY BOMB

March 9, 2009
Now that I am armed with the Booty Bomb, nothing can stop me.  Muahahaha!

Now that I am armed with the Booty Bomb, nothing can stop me. Muahahaha!

Weapons of mass destruction are no doubt dangerous in the hands of terrorists.  But what about weapons of mass satisfaction?  They also pose a threat in the hands of the common man.  I found this out the hard way when I adjusted a simple recipe for eggplant Parmesan.  This already awesome dish took my game to DEFCON 5. Suddenly I could cause an orgasm in every woman in a 5 mile-radius as soon as I popped this dish into the oven.  The power did in fact go to my head. I became a super-villain indiscriminately bringing beautiful women to their knees in abject pleasure.  Lucky for mankind, a douchey superhero known as the Cock-Blocker managed to wipe my memory clean of the ingredients of this recipe. Too bad for that good two-shoes so-called hero, the Freedom of Information Act allows the rest of you access to this powerful dish.  Cook with caution!

Total time: approximately 45 minutes
Projected cost: $8
Drinking Buddy: Red wine

eggplant-parm-prepIngredients:
1. Salt to taste
2. ½ tablespoon of oregano
3. 3 tablespoons of olive oil
4. 1 28-ounce can of tomatoes
5. 1 large handful of shredded/chopped mozzarella
6. 2 eggs
7. 1 large eggplant cut into 1-inch thick rounds
8. 1 onion chopped coarsely
9. 1 handful of chopped parsley
10. 3 garlic cloves chopped coarsely
11. ½ cup of flour
12. ¼ cup of shredded Parmesan
13. ½ cup of breadcrumbs

Step 1
Create the sauce by heating up 1 tablespoon of olive oil in a pan on medium-high heat.  Sauté the garlic until they whiten (approx 30 seconds).  Sauté the onions until they become translucent (approx 2 minutes).  Add salt to taste and parsley and cook in the flavor (approx 1 minute).  Add the tomatoes and crush them yourself.  Turn the heat down low and allow the sauce to simmer as you move on to Step 2.
eggplant-parm-sauce
Step 2
Create the eggplant batter.  First mix up the breading: flour, breadcrumbs, Parmesan and oregano in one bowl.  Beat the eggs in a second bowl.  Heat up 1 tablespoon of olive oil in a pan on medium-high heat.  Dip each eggplant round in the eggs, and then the breading and fry them 4 or five at a time.  Flip once after the bottoms brown (approx 2 minutes) and repeat.  Set aside on a paper towel to soak up excess oil.  Repeat as needed.
eggplant-parm-batter-fry
Step 3
Preheat the oven to 350 degrees F.  Lay down a base of sauce in a small baking/casserole dish. Put down a layer of fried eggplants.  Place another layer of sauce and eggplants until you have exhausted your supply, laying the last of the sauce on top.  Scatter the mozzarella buckshot style over the top and throw in the oven.  Bake until the cheese crusts and browns (approx 20 minutes).  You are in for a treat!  Serve it up solo or with some PASTA.
eggplant-parm-bake

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I AIN’T NO ANGEL HAIR PASTA

March 3, 2009
Angel, devil, these are just words.  We're all sinners.  Embrace it!

Angel, devil, these are just words. We're all sinners. Embrace it!

I may seem like an angel by providing the world with my culinary creations.  Despite my commitment to helping my fellow my man and loving my neighbor(‘s wife), I am not a holy roller with a halo floating above my head. Shocking, I know.  But take heart. In spite of my lack of high morals and self-righteousness, I do have good intentions.  Sure I am perverse and refuse to wait until marriage to indulge in carnal delight. Yet my reader’s happiness and health is of the utmost importance to me.  In fact, the United States Surgeon General has appointed me to a task force to get people to eat better and exercise more.  Hence, I encourage that all of you of appropriate age (children and elderly need not apply) to COOK TO BANG regularly.  Sure some televangelist might condemn me to burn in eternal damnation, but ask yourself this: How cool will the eternal afterlife be with guys with glued on hairweaves telling you what a miserable sinner you are?  I’ll take the hot tub in hell packed full of nymphomaniacs.

i-aint-no-angel-hair-prepTotal time: approximately 15 minutes
Projected cost: $6 (excluding wine)
Drinking Buddy: Red or white wine

Ingredients (serves 2):
1. 1 cup of white wine
2. 2 tablespoons of olive oil
3. 1 tablespoon of salt
4. 2 handfuls of cherry tomatoes
5. 3 garlic cloves chopped finely
6. 1 onion chopped coarsely
7. ½ lemon worth of juice
8. Parmesan to your liking
9. 8 ounces of dried angel hair pasta

Step 1
Warm up the olive oil in a decent sized pan on medium-high heat.  Sauté the garlic until they whiten (approx 30 seconds), sauté the onions until they become translucent (approx 2 minutes), and then flavor it all with salt. Next cook the cherry tomatoes until they soften (approx 3 minutes), before adding the lemon juice and white wine and allow it to simmer while you move on to Step 2.
i-aint-no-angel-hair-sauce
Step 2
Bring a large pot of water to a boil and break in the angel hair pasta.  Follow the instructions and cook until the pasta becomes al dente.  Drain, wash out the excess starch and pour the pasta into the sauce and cook together until heated through.  Serve onto alone of with some kickass ENTRÉE.  Grate as much Parmesan as you feel worthy.
i-aint-no-angel-hair-pasta

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READY FOR BEDDY SPAGHETTI

January 25, 2009
Sweet simple satisfaction

Sweet simple satisfaction

COOK TO BANG generally advocates you kinky cooks out there to impress the hell out of your chosen conquest.  And with good reason.  The CTB method of seduction came out of much research I bravely endured for you, my dear reader.  But sometimes, depending on your target, simplicity in seduction can be the key.  Don’t overdo a first date with a five-course meal complete with champagne and a four-string quartet.  You’ll look like a jackass, a jackass who ain’t getting laid.  You can play it off casually like you’re throwing together a meal last minute. Invite your date over for a drink before going out to some fancy restaurant written up in your local paper.  Then have a friend call your phone and pretend it’s the restaurant informing you they cannot seat you.  Feign annoyance, apologize, pour them another drink and offer to cook instead.  Your date can find out by “accident” that you happen to be a kickass cook who made something sensational with next to nothing.  This spaghetti dish screams nonchalance. Plus it’s vegetarian and vegan friendly, and healthy as hell.  It’s win win.  READY FOR BEDDY SPAGHETTI makes a great starter, light entrée or can compliment a nice piece of meat.  Heh heh… ready-for-beddy-spaghetti-prep1

Total time: approximately 25 minutes
Projected cost: $6
Drinking Buddy: Red wine or prosecco

Ingredients:
1. 2 tablespoons of olive oil
2. ½ cup of white wine
3. 1 teaspoon of salt
4. ½ pound of dried spaghetti
5. ½ a lemon worth of juice
6. 1 teaspoon of crushed red pepper flakes
7. 3 garlic cloves diced finely
8. 2 handfuls of cherry tomatoes cut in half
9. ½ a red onion chopped coarsely

Step 1 Boil the spaghetti al dente.  Rinse out the excess starch.  While the pasta boils, move onto Step 2. ready-for-beddy-spaghetti-al-dente Step 2 Heat up the olive oil in a deep pan or wok on medium-low heat.  Sauté the garlic until the begin to brown (approx 30 seconds).  Throw in the red onions and sauté until they soften and become translucent (approx 2 minutes).  Squeeze in the lemon juice and allow the citrus to be absorbed (approx 2 minutes).  Next sauté the cherry tomatoes with the salt until they soften (approx 3 minutes).  Finally add the white wine and simmer covered on super low heat (approx 15 minutes). ready-for-beddy-spaghetti-sauce Step 3 Dump the cooked spaghetti into the sauce and mix it all together thoroughly allowing the pasta to heat up.  Serve up the spaghetti on a plate with Parmesan if you like.  Bravo! ready-for-beddy-spaghetti-mix AddThis Social Bookmark Button