April 6, 2016
Tease me, please me, mac & cheese me!
When it comes to potlucks, stealing the show with something unexpected always boosts your game. You will be forever remembered for that one dish that your friends fought over the priviledge to lick the plate. High five and fist bumps all around for you. At least that’s how I roll. Considering my pseudo-profession is a digital chef, it is expected of me. That doesn’t I, nor you, shouldn’t take advantage of said skills. Take this mac & cheese I brought to my buddy’s potluck over the weekend. He assured me single girls, and attached girls on the verge of bailing would be there. So I had to show up with something that would sneak in under their radar and smack them across the face with pleasure. A childhood classic schmi’ed up with awesome stole the thunder of even the $50 slab of Atlantic salmon, which for the record was excellent (twas my RECIPE afterall). Cheek kisses and phone numbers were exchanged and no leftovers in sight.
Total time: approximately 45 minutes
Projected cost: $10
Drinking Buddy: All depends on it’s culinary wingman
Ingredients (Serves 20):
1. 1 quart milk
2. 1/3 cup flour
3. Salt to taste
4. Black pepper to taste
5. 1 lb dry large elbow macaroni
6. 4 tbsp breadcrumbs
7. æ lb shredded jack cheese
8. 3 OZ shredded cheddar cheese
9. 1 stick butter
10. 1 bunch green onions chopped coarsely
11. 3 dried New Mexico CHILIES
Step 1
Preheat your oven to 350∞F/175∞C. Throw the macaroni in boiling water, cook al dente, drain, and throw back in large stockpot (approx 8 min).
Step 2
While macaroni boils, start the sauce: melt the butter on med-low heat (approx 2 min). Chop the chilies into tiny pieces and throw into the butter. Salt and pepper as needed and thoroughly stir in the flour (approx 1 min). Throw in the green onions and cheese, and cook until it all melts.
Step 3
Dump the cheese sauce into the pasta and mix together like the superstar you are. Fill a baking dish or disposable tinfoil dish (as pictured), dumps in the milk, scatter the cheddar, and crown it all with breadcrumbs. Throw it dish in the oven and bake until the milk absorbs into the pasta, the cheddar melts and the breadcrumbs brown into a crust.
Serve with your favorite potluck goodies. Might I suggest FREAKY FRIED CORN-FLAKY CHICKEN and LECHEROUS LEMON BARS.
4 Comments | 
aphrodisiac, APHRODISIACS ANONYMOUS, carboluscious, CARBS WORKIN’ THE CORNER, dairy, RECIPES, southern, vegetarian | Tagged: aphrodisiac, bake, bang, banging, black pepper, breadcrumbs, butter, cheddar cheese, crowd pleaser, dairy, delicious, digital chef, DIY, easy, fattening, flour, food, game changer, get laid, gourmet, gourmet mac & cheese, green onions, guarantee, homemade, intercourse, jack cheese, kitchen, large elbow, libido, mac & cheese, macaroni, macaroni and cheese, milk, naked, new Mexico chilies, plate licking, potluck, recipe, salt, seduce, SEDUCTION, sex, spicy, tasty, yummy | 
Permalink
Posted by cooktobang
March 28, 2016
You gotta lick it before you zucchini stick it!
I’m not trying to be crass. It’s just an open invitation for your tongue. Do what you gotta, but the door is always open. This is for your benefit after all. Much like Christmas or Hanukkah, I get way more pleasure giving than receiving. I assure you this arrangement will be mutually beneficial and your tongue will likely be writing me a thank you note or, at the very least, a Facebook poke. When your tongue is done licking, you’ll be good to go for any number of sporting events or tailgating parties. Then you’ll be the one whose stick all the cool kids want to lick. Monday football never tasted so naughty!
Total time: approximately 15 minutes
Projected cost: $4
Drinking Buddy: Beer or BANGARITA
Ingredients (serves 2):
1. 1 tbsp CALIVIRGIN olive oil
2. ¼ cup breadcrumbs
3. Ranch dressing to dip
4. 1 dash black pepper
5. 1 dash garlic salt
6. 2 dashes dry BASIL flakes
7. 2 dashes CAYENNE PEPPER
8. 1 zucchini
9. 2 eggs
Step 1
Preheat the oven to 450°F/230°C. Cut the ends off the zucchini and then cut into bite-sized sticks.
Step 2
Create the breading by combining the breadcrumbs, black pepper, garlic salt, basil and cayenne pepper. In a separate bowl, beat the eggs.
Step 3
Grease a pan with olive oil. Dip each zucchini stick in eggs and then roll in the breading. Place each stick in the pan, leaving room between them. Throw them in the oven and bake until the breading browns (approx 7-10 min).
Serve this lower-fat FINGER FOOD FOREPLAY up with the ranch and score a touchdown.
2 Comments | aphrodisiac, APHRODISIACS ANONYMOUS, FINGER FOOD FOREPLAY, RECIPES, spicy, sports, vegetarian | Tagged: aphrodisiac, appetizer, baked zucchini sticks, bang, banging, basil, black pepper, breadcrumbs, calivirgin, cayenne pepper, Christmas, cool kids, delicious, DIY, easy, eggs, facebook, finger food, food, game changer, garlic salt, get laid, gourmet, guarantee, Hanukah, homemade, intercourse, kitchen, libido, lick, lick my zucchini stick recipe, Monday night football, naked, olive oil, poke, ranch dressing, recipe, seduce, SEDUCTION, sex, squash, tailgating, tasty, tongue, yummy, zucchini, zucchini sticks recipe | Permalink
Posted by cooktobang
February 1, 2016
Patty cakes, salmon cakes, banger man! Bang me a salmon cake as fast as you can.
That Marie Antoinette was quite the strumpet of her day. This Versailles Vixen raised her bloomers for everyone in the court, men and women alike, except her pantywaist husband Louis XVI. What a scandal it must have been for the French queen to be a whore and the king likely gay. Every would-be suitor need only present an edible treat to Mademoiselle Antoinette and into her boudoir they would go. This was a precursor to COOK TO BANG. A little known historical fact: When Marie Antoinette said, ìLet them eat cake!î she meant salmon cakes. These are cheap and easy to create, but major crowd pleasers. If only Marie’s messenger hadn’t flubbed the message. Off with his head! Read the rest of this entry »
2 Comments | aphrodisiac, APHRODISIACS ANONYMOUS, FINGER FOOD FOREPLAY, fusion, RECIPES, seafood, southern, spicy | Tagged: bang, banging, bell pepper, bloomers, breadcrumbs, delicious, DIY, easy, egg, finger food, food, France, french, fry, game changer, get laid, gourmet, guarantee, homemade, intercourse, king louis xvi, kitchen, let them eat cake, libido, marie Antoinette, naked, off with his head, patties, queen, recipe, red pepper flakes, salmon, salmon burger, salmon cakes recipe, salmon patty, salt, seduce, SEDUCTION, sex, strumpet, tasty, vegetable oil, Versailles, vixen, yummy | Permalink
Posted by cooktobang
January 27, 2016
You’re a artichoke heartbreaker, love-maker, bed-shaker!
Hear that high-pitched sound not unlike a champagne glass shattering against the wall? That’s a million hearts being broken by this ass-gettin’ APHRODISIAC appetizer. The hook is that it’s baked, not deep-fried, keeping those asses slimmer and more inclined to get down later. Don’t wallow in bloated oily malaise. Bake those hearts before you break more hearts. I figured this out when I brought a platter for a playoff party. The diehard fans were crushed by the loss, but they took solace with my healthy-ish finger food. One particularly devastated, but delicious female fan got an extra dose of comforting by the chef. Soon her sorrow over her team’s seasonal demise was overshadowed by the fact I didn’t call her again. I still feel bad, but my calendar is jam-packed for the next month with more hearts to break. Next! Read the rest of this entry »
1 Comment | RECIPES | Tagged: aphrodisiac, appetizer, artichoke, artichoke heartbreakers recipe, baked, baked artichoke hearts, bang, banging, baseball, breadcrumbs, breaded artichoke hearts, champagne, comfort, cooking spray, delicious, DIY, dodgers, easy, egg, fans, FINGER FOOD FOREPLAY, flour, food, game changer, garlic salt, get laid, gourmet, guarantee, homemade, intercourse, kitchen, libido, mayonnaise, mlb, naked, not fried, parmesan, phillies, recipe, seduce, SEDUCTION, sex, sun dried tomato, sun-dried tomato aioli, tasty, yummy | Permalink
Posted by cooktobang
July 14, 2015
I see you poking around my business. You could at least buy me dinner first. Or better yet, cook for me! Make me some Italian comfort food and I might just put out. No promises though. You still have to woo me. But just want to put it out there that poking my piccata is a possibility. Just play it cool and don’t act a fool. Behold this simplified and slightly healthier version of the chicken piccata that takes all of 20 minutes to whip up for who ever is down. This recipe was born after a particularly exhausting round of bedroom acrobatics that left my tantric trapeze partner and I famished. I recreated my favorite piccata dish from my childhood using repressed memories and innovation. Thank god for those frozen chicken breasts stuck to the bottom of my freezer. That protein boosted me back into top form for another round of aerial maneuvering around the bedroom. To this day, I have no idea why there are clowns and a lion tamer in my bedroom. I’m not THAT kinky! Read the rest of this entry »
2 Comments | IT’S ON!-TREES, RECIPES | Tagged: bang, breadcrumbs, capers, chicken, chicken breast, chicken piccata, Chicken piccata recipe, chicken stock, delicious, dijon mustard, DIY, easy, flavor, game changer, get laid, gourmet, guarantee, healthier version, homemade, intercourse, italian, Italy, kitchen, lemon, Mediterranean, naked, olive oil, paprika, parmesan cheese, parsley, pollo, poultry, quick, recipe, romantic, salt, seduce, sex, take to bed, tasty, yummy | Permalink
Posted by cooktobang
May 1, 2015
Why spend another Friday night at home pissed off at yet another flake?
My number one frustration in the dating scene is flakes. Nothing pisses me off more than having a date lined up for the night and getting a call, or worse, a text message with some half-baked excuse about a forgotten lobotomy appointment. I erase their phone numbers on the spot and wipe their existence from my memory banks. This happens to all of us, especially with those you pick up without the benefit of an acquaintance’s introduction. Thems the breaks of being on the prowl. So what’s a player to do to avoid becoming a victim of the better offer? Wow the living shit out of them with a memorable meal. Granted these flaky whores and douches need to sample your cuisine first. But once they do, flaking will be the last thing on their mind. Their concern will be staying in your good graces so they never miss one of your epic meals. Crab cakes send a clear message that you are a keeper and deserve the utmost respect and courtesy. There are millions of sexy singles who would gladly take their place at your dinner table and boudoir. Read the rest of this entry »
1 Comment | aphrodisiac, asian, Cajun, FINGER FOOD FOREPLAY, fusion, RECIPES, seafood, SEDUCTION, southern | Tagged: appetizer, bang, banging, better offer, boudoir, breadcrumbs, Chesapeake bay, cilantro, crab cake recipe, delicious, DIY, douches, dust, easy, egg, FINGER FOOD FOREPLAY, fish sauce, flake, flaky, flour, food, fry, game changer, get laid, gourmet, green onion, guarantee, half-baked, homemade, intercourse, kitchen, libido, lime, lobotomy, lump crab meat, mango, Maryland, memorable, mix, naked, never flakes crab cakes, on the prowl, recipe, red bell pepper, seduce, SEDUCTION, sex, shrimp, singles, tasty, text message, vegetable oil, whores, yummy | Permalink
Posted by cooktobang
October 20, 2014
Let’s play a little game called Just the Stuffed Mushroom Tip.
That’s how it all starts. An innocent maiden voyage evolves into an exploration deep into the unknown. Justify it any way you want to. We can pretend it’s a game. Start with the tip and see how it feels. If it’s no bueno, fair enough. But then again, we’ve already gone this far. What’s a few more steps into the abyss? I mean the collateral damage has already been sustained. So why not enjoy it for what it’s worth? We can write it off as youthful indiscretion. An official OOPSIE! Let’s blame the extra bottle of wine. We both should have known better. But we’re all adults and mature enough to move on. I’m glad we had this discussion. I feel better. Don’t you? Oh by the way, have you tried these killer stuffed mushrooms? Read the rest of this entry »
2 Comments | aphrodisiac, APHRODISIACS ANONYMOUS, FINGER FOOD FOREPLAY, french, RECIPES, southern | Tagged: aphrodisiac, appetizer, bacon, baked, bang, breadcrumbs, brie cheese, collateral damage, delicious, DIY, easy, fast, finger food, food, fungus, game changer, get laid, gourmet, green onion, guarantee, homemade, honey, hors d'oeuvres, intercourse, just the tip in, kitchen, maiden voyage, mushroom, naked, oopsie, passed appetizer, quick, recipe, salt, seduce, sex, simple, spinach, Spinach bacon stuffed mushroom caps recipe, stuffed mushrooms, tasty, youthful indiscretion, yummy | Permalink
Posted by cooktobang
August 11, 2014
Act like a Rockefeller with Oysters Bang-a-Feller.
Ladies, there’s nothing wrong with banging a feller. Speaking from the POV of a feller, banging is the only thing that makes us feel special. All the fancy cars and diamond encrusted Rolexes are just means to get banged. So make like a goddamn Rockefeller and indulge in the rich oyster power. The aphrodisiac supernovas of the sea will get your loins revving like a golf cart run on plutonium. Slurping them down will make you feel momentarily like the richest feller on the planet. Read the rest of this entry »
1 Comment | aphrodisiac, APHRODISIACS ANONYMOUS, Cajun, FINGER FOOD FOREPLAY, RECIPES, seafood, southern | Tagged: aphrodisiac, bacon, bang, banging, breadcrumbs, broil, brown, butter, Cajun, delicious, diamond, DIY, easy, fancy, feller, fill, food, game changer, get laid, ginger, golf cart, gourmet, guarantee, homemade, indulge, intercourse, John d. Rockefeller, kitchen, lemon, libido, Louisiana, naked, New Orleans, onion, oysters, oysters bang-a-feller recipe, oysters Rockefeller recipe, parsley, plutonium, recipe, rich, rolex, seduce, SEDUCTION, sex, shellfish, spinach, supernova, tasty, wealthy, yummy | Permalink
Posted by cooktobang
August 4, 2009
Squish squash, let's get sauced!
This side dish is soft to the touch, yet crunchy in all the right places. As described, this does not sound like the hard-body of summer vegetable concoctions. But this dish could help you get that hard beach body all the cool kids seem to be having these days. This casserole is light, full of flavor and pack a wallop of flavor-filled fungasms. This particular dish was an experiment in how to cook summer squash besides on the grill. A tough act to follow. It provided great company for the grilled chicken I served to this annoying date. The date was a bust, but luckily I got my jollies from this casserole. The silver lining never tasted so good.
Total time: approximately 55 minutes
Projected cost: $8
Drinking Buddy: Nice cold beer or white wine
Ingredients:
1. 1 tbsp breadcrumbs
2. 2 tbsp olive oil
3. 1 dash paprika
4. 1 dash salt
5. 1 onion chopped coarsely
6. 2 green onions chopped coarsely
7. 4 globe squash
8. 2-ounces goat cheese
Step 1
Preheat the oven to 350°F. Grease a baking pan or deep wide pie-pan with olive oil. Chop the squash into ½ inch rounds. Line the pan with a layer of squash rounds, throw the onions over and crown with half of the goat cheese. Set down another layer, use the rest of the goat cheese and crown with green onions. Pour the remaining olive oil, season with paprika and salt, and evenly distribute the breadcrumbs over the top.
Step 2
Throw the squash in the oven and bake until the veggies soften and the top browns (approx 45 min). Serve up on plates as a lunch or to compliment an ENTRÉE.
2 Comments | healthy, LEAFY & LOVELY, RECIPES, summer, vegetarian | Tagged: bake, baked squash, bang, banging, breadcrumbs, delicious, DIY, easy, food, fungasm, game changer, get laid, globe squash, globe squash casserole recipe, goat cheese, gourmet, green onion, guarantee, healthy, homemade, intercourse, kitchen, libido, naked, olive oil, onion, paprika, recipe, salt, seduce, SEDUCTION, sex, side dish, squishy squashy casserole recipe, summer, tasty, vegetables, vegetarian, veggies, yummy | Permalink
Posted by cooktobang
March 9, 2009
Now that I am armed with the Booty Bomb, nothing can stop me. Muahahaha!
Weapons of mass destruction are no doubt dangerous in the hands of terrorists. But what about weapons of mass satisfaction? They also pose a threat in the hands of the common man. I found this out the hard way when I adjusted a simple recipe for eggplant Parmesan. This already awesome dish took my game to DEFCON 5. Suddenly I could cause an orgasm in every woman in a 5 mile-radius as soon as I popped this dish into the oven. The power did in fact go to my head. I became a super-villain indiscriminately bringing beautiful women to their knees in abject pleasure. Lucky for mankind, a douchey superhero known as the Cock-Blocker managed to wipe my memory clean of the ingredients of this recipe. Too bad for that good two-shoes so-called hero, the Freedom of Information Act allows the rest of you access to this powerful dish. Cook with caution!
Total time: approximately 45 minutes
Projected cost: $8
Drinking Buddy: Red wine
Ingredients:
1. Salt to taste
2. ½ tablespoon of oregano
3. 3 tablespoons of olive oil
4. 1 28-ounce can of tomatoes
5. 1 large handful of shredded/chopped mozzarella
6. 2 eggs
7. 1 large eggplant cut into 1-inch thick rounds
8. 1 onion chopped coarsely
9. 1 handful of chopped parsley
10. 3 garlic cloves chopped coarsely
11. ½ cup of flour
12. ¼ cup of shredded Parmesan
13. ½ cup of breadcrumbs
Step 1
Create the sauce by heating up 1 tablespoon of olive oil in a pan on medium-high heat. Sauté the garlic until they whiten (approx 30 seconds). Sauté the onions until they become translucent (approx 2 minutes). Add salt to taste and parsley and cook in the flavor (approx 1 minute). Add the tomatoes and crush them yourself. Turn the heat down low and allow the sauce to simmer as you move on to Step 2.
Step 2
Create the eggplant batter. First mix up the breading: flour, breadcrumbs, Parmesan and oregano in one bowl. Beat the eggs in a second bowl. Heat up 1 tablespoon of olive oil in a pan on medium-high heat. Dip each eggplant round in the eggs, and then the breading and fry them 4 or five at a time. Flip once after the bottoms brown (approx 2 minutes) and repeat. Set aside on a paper towel to soak up excess oil. Repeat as needed.
Step 3
Preheat the oven to 350 degrees F. Lay down a base of sauce in a small baking/casserole dish. Put down a layer of fried eggplants. Place another layer of sauce and eggplants until you have exhausted your supply, laying the last of the sauce on top. Scatter the mozzarella buckshot style over the top and throw in the oven. Bake until the cheese crusts and browns (approx 20 minutes). You are in for a treat! Serve it up solo or with some PASTA.
2 Comments | italian, IT’S ON!-TREES, Mediterranean, RECIPES | Tagged: baked, baked eggplant parmesan, bang, breadcrumbs, delicious, DIY, easy, eggplant, Eggplant parmesan recipe, eggs, flour, fried eggplant, game changer, garlic, get laid, gourmet, guarantee, hearty, homemade, intercourse, italian, kitchen, leftovers, Mediterranean, mozzarella, naked, olive oil, onion, oregano, parmesan, parsley, recipe, romantic, salt, sauce, sauté, seduce, sex, tasty, tomato, yummy | Permalink
Posted by cooktobang
Cook To Bang - Recipes To Get You Laid 