March 18, 2016
Layer upon layer of resistance-slayers.
This recipe goes out to all the March madness maniacs. According to my research, a girl from I was banging, 7 Layer Dip is the ultimate sports-viewing treat. Forgive me if I was misinformed. Rather than curse my inaccuracies with mob justice your time would be better served recreating this dish and serve it up to your football-viewing posse. People who like variety are well sorted with this All-American concoction. The 7 Layer Dip is sort of like a chameleon lover who will become whatever you want them to be. Whether you want white, black, Latin, Asian, or a magical mix, you will get your fill. Talk about a menagerie of flavor! Make this dip, bring it to the party, and go home with some impressed hottie for the win!
Total time: approximately 10 minutes
Projected cost: $12
Drinking Buddy: Beer, beer, and more beer!
Ingredients (Serves a whole party):
1. 1 bag tortilla chips
2. 1 can refried bean
3. 1 small container sour cream
4. SIMPLY SEXY SALSA
5. GUAPO GRINGO GUACAMOLE
6. 2 handfuls jack cheese
7. 2 tomatoes chopped coarsely
8. 3 green onions chopped coarsely
9. 1 handful black olives diced
Warm up the refried beans on medium-low heat, mixing in the tomatoes (approx 5 min). Evenly pour the beans into your serving bowl.
Pour in the contents of these evenly in this order: salsa, green onions, half the jack cheese, sour cream, guacamole, olives, and the remaining cheese.
Place the chips artfully around the edge of the dip right before serving. Hear those cheers? They aren’t for the latest sack. It’s for your sexy ass!
September 28, 2015
Embrace the vodka on your plate and in your glass
This Italian mafia recipe will never sleep with the fishes. This vodka penne is “a friend of mine” because it’s tasty and easy to prepare. The only thing getting whacked is the pig used to make the prosciutto. Lucky you. Be sure to remind your date knows how lucky they are to enjoy this fine dish from the old country. The vodka flatters the tomatoes and garlic with compliments, plus you can challenge your date to take shots while you cook. Think you can make an easier, tastier vodka penne from scratch? Forget about it! Read the rest of this entry »
September 25, 2015
Blue 42, blue 42, hut hut bang!
Welcome to Part II of the 2010 CTB Super Bowl recipe throw down. For the uninitiated or those lacking cognitive reasoning, jambalaya is a dish native to Louisiana, New Orleans in particular. Therefore this dish is dedicated to the New Orleans Saints. My life is too consumed with cooking and banging to pay much attention to football stats. The Saints or the Colts could triumph and it wouldn’t make any difference so long as I have someone warm and cuddly in my bed that night. But in terms of the Food Bowl, New Orleans crushes Indianapolis hands down. The cuisine down South is like a wet dream jumping right off my plate and down my pantaloons. It might be the French influence, it might be the innovations of American ancestors, it might be that I am totally gay for spicy food. I wager all three. But you will turn a few heads with this dish that feeds the hungry, unwashed masses. So whomever you’re cheering for, you will leave a winner with phone numbers and possibly a football-loving hottie on your arm. Read the rest of this entry »
April 8, 2013
The steaks are high. If we don’t bang, the world could exxxplode.
Upping the ante is the best way to take things from zero to banging. Like when the odds are against you in a hand of POKER, a little bluster counts for a lot. My process is to continually top my previous culinary efforts. Not only do my dates appreciate it, my skills improve more by the day. Go all in with your meal. They will swoon and you will collect that POKER BONUS. Meeting the expectation of cooking something nice isn’t enough for me. If it’s not exceptional enough to be remembered when they’re old and gray, I am doing something wrong. The Cook To Bang legacy must be etched into their sub-conscious and passed down through the generations like alcoholism. All food they taste after, even in Michelin 3 Star restaurants, should taste like sand flavored with sewage. Only then can I relax, a job well done. Sure I could have just made a salad, or drunkenly eat the leftover steak cold out of the fridge. But then I’d have to look at myself in the mirror knowing I was a disappointment to my family, friends, and even my pets. Read the rest of this entry »
February 25, 2010
Friends don't let friends fake orgasms.
Ladies, there are few things more humiliating than you faking an orgasm. It’s like being told that Santa Clause, the Tooth Fairy, and Easter Bunny are all imaginary, but compound that with dismissing your entire shoe collection as wiggety whack. Cruel and unusual. I suppose if you are going to fake it, be convincing like an Oscar-winning actor pretending to have OCD. Granted, many dudes’ performances are hardly worthy of a golf-clap, let alone giving yourself laryngitis screaming his name while you dig nails in their back. Lucky for all parties involved, there’s a salad that should make the need to fake an O obsolete. Bacon is something that even vegans can agree is totally awesome. Crispy, meaty, and freaky. A simple salad that wouldn’t even be worthy of Gordon Ramsay deeming demanding you remove the gum from his A. Testoni loafers can suddenly become a contender. Be bold with your bacon and quit that fakin’!
Total time: approximately 5 minutes
Projected cost: $5
Drinking Buddy: MAIL ORDER WHITE RUSSIAN BRIDE
Ingredients (Serves 2):
1. 2 massive handfuls field greens
2. 1 tbsp maple syrup
3. 1 tbsp CALIVIRGIN olive oil
4. 4 strips bacon (piggie, turkey, or veggie)
5. 2 tomatoes sliced thinly
6. Queso fresco
Fry the bacon nice and crispy, and then cut in strips.
Create the dressing by combining the maple syrup and olive oil. Combine the field greens, tomatoes, bacons strips, crumbled queso fresco, and toss with the dressing.
February 15, 2010
Serve up ketchup to cure up relationship hiccups
Post Valentines Day blues? Did you forget to buy jewelry? Bring baby’s breath flowers instead of roses? OR were you the insensitive $@*&! that forgot the day altogether? Regardless of your trespasses, your significant other is mighty pissed. Odds are your ass is about to be bounced right out the door. You best be proactive to solve this little quandary before they are on the phone with that ex you hate or off to the bar to slut it up with the first sketchball that buys them a drink. Take it from a guy who has pissed off more girls than I have hairs on my head (no receding hairline here), drastic measures are called for if you want to keep them around. Since the CTB method is my ticket to everything from company for the night to free timeshare rentals in Costa Rica, food is the answer to most of my problems. Cook To Beg with a jar of homemade ketchup.
Total time: approximately 12 hours (1 hr cooking, 11 hrs refrigerated)
Projected cost: $5
Drinking Buddy: Depends on what you slather it over
Ingredients (serves 2):
1. 2 tbsp CALIVIRGIN olive oil
2. 1 small can tomato paste
3. ½ cup white wine vinegar
4. 1 28 OZ can tomatoes
5. 1/2 cup brown sugar
6. 1 onion chopped coarsely
7. 1 dash salt
8. 1 small handful chopped BASIL
Puree the tomatoes.
Sauté the onion in olive oil on medium heat (approx 5 min). Add the pureed tomatoes, and mix in the brown sugar, basil, salt, white wine vinegar, and tomato paste. Bring to a roaring boil, and then simmer on low heat uncovered until the liquid reduces in half (approx 45 min).
Puree everything in the stockpot. Dump the contents into a bowl, cover with saran wrap, and refrigerate overnight. Serve as the most epic condom-ment for fries, eggs, potatoes, or just about anything that would be loved up by the classic red sauce.
June 4, 2009
Whatever, however, whoever. Just Cook To Bang.
Admittedly, this salad’s title kind of blows. Not even with the steroids I scored from Manny Ramirez can I always bat 1000. But this salad neither blew nor sucked. It was totally off the hook yet totally unplanned. I found out way too late that the young lady who came over for dinner was a militant vegetarian. Something about a misdemeanor for chaining herself to a fur coat store in college. Note to self: stop picking up girls at yoga class. The killer SALMON DISH that is a shoe-in CTB was well out. But the consolation prize was she loved feta cheese. So into the fridge I went and in a moment of panic grabbed everything that looked like feta-friendly. The salad before you is whatever was in the fridge and it was awesome. My hippie crusader chained herself to my bed to protest us running out.
Total time: approximately 5 minutes
Projected cost: $6
Drinking Buddy: SLUTTY TEMPLE
1. ½ head of romaine lettuce
2. 1 tablespoon of olive oil
3. 1 pinch of herbs de Provence
4. 1 handful of kalamata olives
5. ½ lemon
6. 2 endives
7. 3 green onions chopped coarsely
8. 2 tomatoes chopped coarsely
9. 1 steamed red BEET sliced thinly
10. Steamed ASPARAGUS
11. 1 small handful of feta cheese (leave out to make vegan)
First you must prep the vegetables. Break the romaine lettuce apart every two inches and wash it all. Slice up the endives every inch or so. Also cut the asparagus every inch or so.
Combine the sliced endives, romaine lettuce, tomatoes, beets, olives, crumbled feta cheese, Herbs de Provence, olive oil, and lemon juice in a large bowl. Toss that salad like a pro.
Serve it up to even the crunchiest of guests.
April 21, 2009
Fondle by candle light
Some prudes blanch at the idea of being touched, let alone being fondled. That is their beast of repressive burden to carry. Personally, I enjoy being fondled with regularity. What can I say? I’m a giver. I am always ready to offer up something phallic to the ladies on my CTB wish list. While this dish doesn’t look quite so fresh and so clean as a SALAD, it does tastes like it came out of an Italian mother’s kitchen. Every bite makes me want to sing an operatic falsetto because the taste is just too much of a good thing. Take advantage of this dish’s power and make me proud, old sport.
Total time: approximately 30 minutes
Projected cost: $12
Drinking Buddy: Red wine
Ingredients (serves 2):
1. ½ teaspoon of black pepper
2. ½ cup of white wine
3. ½ teaspoon of salt
4. 1 tablespoon of olive oil
5. 1 teaspoon of crushed red pepper flakes
6. 2 diced tomatoes
7. 1 green pepper cut into long strips
8. 1 onion cut into long strips
9. 5 sausage links (chicken or veggie sausage OK)
10. 2 garlic cloves chopped finely.
Warm the olive oil up in a large pan or wok. Toss in the garlic and allow to cook (approx 2 minutes). In the mean time, slice the sausages in half and set them skin side down in the oil. Flip once so the other has of sausage cooks (approx 2 minutes per side).
Next toss in the onions, peppers and tomato, then stir in some pepper, salt and crushed red pepper. Pour the wine in and cook everything on low until the wine evaporates (approx 20 minutes).
Toast some bread if you like. Split the toast and scatter them neatly on the plate. Serve up some Sausage and Pepper and sing Ave Maria!
March 24, 2009
Put down the chicken breast and no one gets hurt!
Yeah, you heard me! Take your hands off my chicken breasts and amscray! You don’t see me walking around all cavalier and fondling other people’s breasts. What? Well that was consensual! Very very consensual! Oh, and that other time. You got me there. But that was just to draw a laugh. No, I’m not messing with you. You can’t blame me for that! It was a double dog dare! And if I’m not mistaken, she did give me her number. I cooked for her too. We had a great evening and, yes, I did fondle. But she insisted. I was perfectly happy to just play Scrabble and discuss current events. So once again, I’m not in the wrong. You are! Now are you going to put my breasts down so I can grill them or will I have to resort to fisticuffs? I will defend my chicken breasts’ honor and then eat them if it’s the last thing I do!
Total time: approximately 35 minutes
Projected cost: $7
Drinking Buddy: Red red wine
Ingredients (serves 2):
1. 2 tablespoons of olive oil
2. 1 teaspoon of salt
3. ½ teaspoon of crushed red pepper
4. ½ teaspoon of dried basil
5. 2 teaspoons of black pepper
6. ¼ pound of dried Rotelle pasta
7. 3 tomatoes chopped coarsely
8. 2 handfuls of sliced mushrooms
9. ½ a lemon of juice
10. ½ pound of chicken breast sliced into bite-sized pieces
11. 2 handfuls of bite-sized broccoli pieces
Mix up the chicken with the lemon juice and black pepper and allow it to marinate (approx 10 minutes). Warm up 1 tablespoon of olive oil in a pan on medium heat. Then cook the chicken through in it’s own juices until it goes white (approx 6 minutes). Set aside.
Heat up the rest of the olive oil in a pan and stir-fry the broccoli and mushrooms with more lemon juice until they soften (approx 4 minutes). Finally add the tomatoes along with a liberal dashing of salt, crushed red pepper and basil, and stew and stir it all down into a sauce (approx 5 minutes).
Boil water, cook and drain the pasta al dente. Pour in the pasta in with sauce and stir it up. Crown it all with the lemon pepper chicken, and serve.