BIG PIMPIN’ BBQ SHRIMP SALAD

September 27, 2010

Go Big Pimpin' or go home alone.

Sometimes you gotta big time your salads.  Sure you could serve your date up a simple green salad. But unless you’re following it up with some bodacious entrée, that date of yours will lose interest long before dessert. And that’s if they don’t fall asleep face-first in your uninspired salad.  That is why I went all big pimpin’ with this salad. The hot Chiquita bonita I had over wanted something slamming that would not be expanding her sexy backside.  Aye yi, la Capitan!  The result: our expectations (her appetite; my libido) were surpassed.  I might as well have been drinking Chardonnay out of a pimp chalice with the Cook To Bang logo written in diamonds. Read the rest of this entry »


PAD THAI ME UP

November 6, 2009
pad thai me up served

Yes, mistress. Please, mistress. Thank you, mistress.

Kinky is my middle name.  Actually it’s Patrick, but I’m considering changing it.  I wouldn’t call myself an S&M guy, but I do enjoy pushing the envelope behind closed doors with consenting adults.  What’s the point of boring sex? Why half-ass your goal after you put all this effort into convincing someone to get naked? I don’t personally own handcuffs, but I’ve been cuffed to a bed with leopard print bonds.  My mistress/lover for the night was rough at times, and then sweet, then rough and so on.  It was pretty hot.  Melting candle wax on my nipples was just painful, but it was still an experience I remember fondly.  The best part is after we were done, we had takeout Pad Thai that she fed me since my hands were still attached to her headboard.  That was one of my favorite Thai food memories, which I have since relived in subtle, less painful ways.  So here’s my own take on this classic recipe with a little extra sexy thrown into the mix.  Just be sure to have a safety word when engaging in Thai-style COOK TO BANG.

Total time: approximately 8 minutes
Projected cost: $5
Drinking Buddy: Thai iced tea or beer

pad thai me up prepIngredients (serves 2, with post-coital leftovers):
1. 2 tbsp vegetable oil
2. 1-package rice noodles
3. 1 tbsp fish sauce
4. 1 tbsp soy sauce
5. 2 OZ Pad Thai sauce
6. Limejuice to taste
7. 2 eggs
8. 6 green onions chopped coarsely
9. FRIED TOFU
10. 1 red CHILI chopped finely
11. 2 handful chopped peanuts
12. ½ lb SHRIMP
13. ½ lb chicken cut in bite-sized pieces

Step 1
Marinate the raw chicken with the soy sauce, fish sauce and limejuice (approx 15 min).  Cook the chicken in a pan until they brown (approx 3 min).  Add the shrimp and cook it all together (approx 2).
pad thai me up meat
Step 2
Bring a pot of water to a boil, turn the heat low and cook the rice noodles al dente (approx 4 min) and drain.  Heat up the oil in deep pan or wok.  Add the noodles and mix in the pad Thai sauce thoroughly.  Cook in the chicken, shrimp, fried tofu and green onions.
pad thai me up noodle stir-fry
Step 3
Beat the two eggs and cook flat in a pan like a pancake.  Jimmy the eggs off the pan an crown the noodles with it.  When serving, throw a handful of peanuts and squeeze some lime over it.
pad thai me up eggs
These kinky noodles go great with a BANGO YOUR MANGO CHICKEN CURRY.

pad thai me up served 2

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YES YES Y’ALL! MONTREAL SHRIMP

September 1, 2009
These shrimp are tres tres baba cool.  No?

These shrimp are tres tres baba cool. No?

If this recipe title isn’t obvious enough, I was up in French Canada.  Just call me the ambassador of morally bankrupt American diplomacy.  In other words, I’m your typical ambassador. The fact I wasn’t given a motorcade and a villa with a masseuse and sushi chef is beyond me.  So I did what I always, make do in style. I befriended a pair of Salopes at an art gallery who invited me over for a barbecue the next day.  A bag of shrimp and I was in the door, rifling through their fridge to make something work.  The ingredients below are what they had, and thank god for that!  My new friends were impressed.  One insisted I stay with her for a few days. Canadian-American relations have never been better.

Total time: approximately 20 minutes

Projected cost: $10

Drinking Buddy: Chardonnay or beer

montreal shrimp prepIngredients (serves 2):

1. 1 onion chopper coarsely

2. 2 tbsp olive oil

3. 1 dash red CHILI flakes

4. 1 dash paprika

5. 1 dash salt

6. 2 garlic cloves chopped finely

7. 1 handful parsley chopped

8. 1 lb large SHRIMP in shells

9. ¼ lemon

Step 1

Marinate the shrimp with garlic, lemon juice, salt, paprika, red chili flakes, and 1 tbsp olive oil (approx 10 min).

montreal shrimp marinate

Step 2

Saute the onions in the remaining olive oil until translucent (approx 3 min).  Add the shrimp, spreading them out.  Flip the shrimp when they pinken (approx 2 min per side).  Throw in the parsley and cook another minute.

montreal shrimp saute

Serve these shrimp solo or with a SALAD.

montreal shrimp served 2

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PIMP THAT SHRIMPY ASS-PARAGUS SALAD

July 28, 2009
Pimp that shrimp like a chimp with a limp

Pimp that shrimp like a chimp with a limp

First off, my apologies for yesterdays post.  I think I ate the brown acid again.  As penance, please accept this kick ass salad that is scrumptious, packed with protein and an aphrodisiac quadruple threat.  This dish will not disappoint in the pimping department.  All those flavors will be out working the corner for you, luring johns and janes in for a little cat scratch fever.  Once they get a taste, they will be customers for life…or until you kick their ass to the curb in favor of a better paying/looking clientele.  Always remember that a good pimp is a kind pimp.  No need to rough up the goods by tossing that salad too hard.  A couple good shakes will put the flavor hos in line to do your bidding.  Now get out there and get that money, honey!

Total time: approximately 30 minutes
Projected cost: $17
Drinking Buddy: RAGING HARD ON LEMONADE

shrimp asparagus salad prepIngredients (serves 2):
1. 1 dash CAYENNE PEPPER
2. 1 dash salt
3. 1 tbsp red wine vinegar
4. 1 tbsp olive oil
5. 1 small handful jack cheese
6. 1 red bell pepper chopped coarsely
7. ½ lb ASPARAGUS spears
8. 1 small handful BASIL chopped finely
9. 1 small handful parsley chopped finely
10. ½ lemon
11.½ lb cook SHRIMP, tails removed
12. 2 large handfuls fresh spinach

Step 1
Cut the stems off the asparagus spears and blanch them in a thin layer of water (approx 5 min).  Chop the asparagus in half.
shrimp asparagus salad steam chop
Step 2
While the asparagus blanches, create the dressing by combining the basil, parsley, cayenne pepper, salt, red wine vinegar and olive oil.
shrimp asparagus salad dressing
Step 3
Toss the red bell pepper, shrimp, asparagus, dressing and lemon.  Allow it to marinate in the fridge (approx 20 min).
shrimp asparagus salad toss
Step 4
Place half the spinach on each plate and crown with jack cheese.  Drain the dressing from the shrimp and veggies and split up the goods.
shrimp asparagus salad assemble
Serve as perfect lunch salad or follow it up with something meaty like ROASTED CHICKEN RUB DOWN.
shrimp asparagus salad served

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