COBB & BALLS SALAD

March 9, 2016
Bob Cobb would be proud...or he might be rolling in his grave.

Bob Cobb would be proud…or he might be rolling in his grave.

You can’t argue with a classic.  The Cobb Salad is a staple of any lunch spot.  But who says it can’t kick start a date into hyper drive?  It certainly passes the health stress test with the fiber, protein and low-fat content.  You almost forget how nourishing it is because each bite tastes like a magical mystery tour in your mouth.  The crunch of the lettuce, creaminess of the bleu cheese, aphrodisiac avocado explosion, & meaty monkey business in the chicken and bacon all lead you to one conclusion: God-fucking-damn!

Total time: approximately 10 minutes
Projected cost: $13
Drinking Buddy: Red wine or RAGING HARD ON LEMONADE

cobb-n-balls-salad-prepIngredients (serves 2):
1. ½ head of romaine lettuce
2. 1 teaspoon of olive oil
3. 2 teaspoons of red wine vinegar
4. ½ teaspoon of black pepper
5. 1 teaspoon of Dijon mustard
6. 1 handful + 1 teaspoon of bleu cheese crumbled
7. 3 strips of cooked bacon
8. 1 cooked chicken breast, grilled or baked
9. 1 AVOCADO diced into bite-sized pieces
10. 1 hard-boiled egg
11. 1 tomato diced

Step 1
Mix up the dressing by combining the Dijon mustard, ed wine vinegar, olive oil, black pepper and 1 teaspoon of blue cheese.  Set aside.
cobb-n-balls-salad-dress
Step 2
Wash the romaine, cut off the stock, then cut bite-size pieces of lettuce, and line the bottom of a salad bowl.  Throw the chopped tomato on top.  Slice the egg thinly and spread them out evenly.  Chop up the bacon into bits and spread it out too.  Chop the chicken breast into bite-sized pieces and scatter those on top.  Do the same with a handful of blue cheese and crown it all with avocado.
cobb-n-balls-salad-toss2
Step 3
Serve up the plates of salad, tonging up a plateful as is.  DO NOT TOSS!  You want the layers of Cobb glory to shine like a Tiffany diamond.  Scoop in your desired amount of dressing and let the good times roll.
cobb-n-balls-salad-plate-dressingcobb-n-balls-salad-prep-2

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FLIRTY TURKEY BRIE SINWICH

January 18, 2016
Flirty, dirty and wordy.  This sandwich offers all manners of sinful delights.

Flirty, dirty and wordy. This sandwich offers all manners of sinful delights.

This turkey sandwich is no ordinary sandwich.  It has sex appeal scientists are struggling to devise a method of measuring.  It can’t help flirting with everyone its path.  This sandwich has won over everyone it has met besides a few vegetarians who are questioning their own eating habits.  That is the power of said sandwich.  The tantalizing melted brie cheese, cranberry goodness, creamy aphrodisiac-laden avocado and crunchy bread dares to take you where no sandwich has gone before.  You almost forget your eating a sandwich at all.  It seems more like nosh meant for the gods who happen to be food snobs.  I made this sandwich and God said it was good. God said it was damn good and paused time so he could have second.  Amen! Read the rest of this entry »


POKE YER PICCATA

July 14, 2015

chicken-piccata-served2I see you poking around my business.  You could at least buy me dinner first.  Or better yet, cook for me!  Make me some Italian comfort food and I might just put out.  No promises though.  You still have to woo me. But just want to put it out there that poking my piccata is a possibility.  Just play it cool and don’t act a fool.  Behold this simplified and slightly healthier version of the chicken piccata that takes all of 20 minutes to whip up for who ever is down.  This recipe was born after a particularly exhausting round of bedroom acrobatics that left my tantric trapeze partner and I famished.  I recreated my favorite piccata dish from my childhood using repressed memories and innovation.  Thank god for those frozen chicken breasts stuck to the bottom of my freezer.  That protein boosted me back into top form for another round of aerial maneuvering around the bedroom.  To this day, I have no idea why there are clowns and a lion tamer in my bedroom.  I’m not THAT kinky! Read the rest of this entry »


SPANK MY HALIBUT

June 5, 2015
Alaskan halibut is sexier than Sarah Palin marinaded in contradiction

Alaskan halibut is sexier than Sarah Palin marinaded in contradiction

Welcome to the big time, my friends.  This dish is intended for someone rather special because halibut ain’t cheap and it takes a while to prepare.  But you can’t put a price on edible orgasms, at least not legally outside of Amsterdam.  Your date will be so impressed by this outstanding piece of seafood that you will need a crowbar to pry them off of you.  If they are not thoroughly blown away by your cooking prowess than they are most likely a cyborg from the future sent to kill you before you sire the rebel leader a la John Connor.  This is actually a great litmus test that could very well save humanity.  But I digress.  The point is this dish will set your date’s mouth and loins ablaze with passion.  The first time I prepared this dish, I received countless e-mails from my date’s friends who I did not know asking me for the recipe. Only a fool would simply hand over a recipe (case in point).  Instead I offered the cute ones private tutorials.  To the Alaskan halibut fisherman, I owe you a beer or ten! Read the rest of this entry »


EGGS BEG-A-DICK

February 25, 2015
Make sure they’re on their knees begging before serving them what they want.

Make sure they’re on their knees begging before serving them what they want.

They’ll beg and beg and beg.  Let them.  It’s only natural.  They want what you got.  Basic law of supply and demand.  Make like OPEC fixing the price of your commodities.  Make outrageous demands they have no choice but to meet.  It’s not like they can go elsewhere.  Right?  You’re wondering about alternative sources of sexual energy?  Ha!  There is no substitute for the man tested, woman approved real thing.  4 billion years of Earthlings banging can’t be wrong.  So embrace the goods granted to you by God, evolution or your preferred “Where did we come from?” dogma.  Now make them beg long and HARD.  Afterwards, serve them breakfast as a reward for the respect shown. Read the rest of this entry »


VESTAL VIRGIN VEGGIE MELT

May 16, 2014
Be invested in vestal virgins devirgination.

Be invested in vestal virgins devirgination.

Being a vestal virgin in the Roman Empire was a pretty sweet gig.  The priestesses had only to perform sacred duties in the temple and not give into sexual temptation.  It must have been difficult laying around all day in loose fitting togas in bathhouses.  You can be sure that there were a few brash Roman dudes who wanted a piece of that priestess ass.  Luring one of these holy hotties over to the baser world of grunts and fluids required finesse.  No doubt, some of these young fools would fight each other to the death in gladiator style.  Suckers.  The smart ones would employ the Cook To Bang method.  This simple sandwich with vivacious veggies courtesy of Gods Pomona & Facunditas could break their cursed celibacy spell.

vestal virgin veggie melt prepTotal time: approximately 10 minutes
Projected cost: $5
Drinking Buddy: RAGING HARD ON LEMONADE

Ingredients (serves 2):
1. 4 spreads of Dijon mustard
2. 2 handfuls of mozzarella
3. 2 English Muffins
4. ½ an AVOCADO
5. 4 BASIL leaves
6. ½ a pear cut sliced thinly
7. 1 green onion chopped coarsely
8. ½ a tomato sliced thinly

Step 1
Split the English Muffins and spread Dijon mustard on each half.  Place slices of pear, tomato, basil and avocado.  Drop a handful of mozzarella cheese and crown it with green onions.

vestal virgin veggie melt assemble

Step 2
Toast the sandwiches to dark brow or bake them at 350 degrees F until the cheese melts.

vestal virgin veggie melt toast

Serve the sinwiches up some HOT LIQUID LOVE.

vestal virgin veggie melt serve 2

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TOSS YOUR SALAD WRAP

April 28, 2014
salad-wrap-served-2

Toss it, toss it, TOSS THAT SALAD!

“Sometimes you gotta get your apple cleaned!” says my friend working overseas in Hong Kong. I don’t know what that means, but sure. I suppose you could say the same for getting your salad tossed. I’m still unclear on what exactly that means, but I know it’s filthy so get down with the get down. But rather than get lost in semantics, why don’t I tell you a little about this recipe? This dish is sure to get what ever you want tossed. Just don’t toss your cookies, unless you’re into that kinky German shit. Pour me another hefeweizen if that’s your bag. The era of the wrap may be waning, but quick healthy nibbles never go out of style. Portable salad can bring the nasty noise wherever you want to go. A horny hike? Yes! Sex on the beach? Big time! On the International Space Station? Cum in, Houston! The Toss Your Salad Wrap can also be served on a platter to a party where you can pick up a few phone numbers. This SINWICH is just that versatile. You should be too. Read the rest of this entry »