JAWFUL OF BLUEBERRY WAFFLES

June 2, 2014
There ain't nothing awful about these waffles

There ain’t nothing awful about these waffles

There’s something glorious about stuffing one’s mouth with something hot, sticky and delicious.  Close your eyes and experience Shangri La as the sweet and subtle flavors swirl around your taste buds like a Brazilian capoeira dancer.  Each mouthful is a unique snowflake of flavor, texture and subtlety.  Take your time down there.  Enjoy the ride and be precise with your oral actions. Be careful not to rush through because then no one will get their culinary rocks off.   That is the art of making waffles awesome rather than awful.  Sure you could toast up a frozen Eggo and be done with it.  But that’s like settling for watching porn when you have a porn star signaling you to bed.  The extra effort is always worth it and will pay off in dividends when it’s time to consummate.  So indulge yourself when the weekend rolls around.  Take your time to surprise that slumbering sexpot who blew your mind and a few other things last night and twice this morning.  They are worth it and so are you.  A word of caution: waffles are sexy, but not when stuck to your bed sheets. Read the rest of this entry »


SO-BANGING SOBA NOODLES

September 23, 2013

Soba So Lucky So Good

There are bad carbs and good carbs. Some good carbs can be great carbs with the right amount of sex appeal. We’re about to take what is already damn good for you and make it damn good for your culinary seduction game. Leave it to the Japanese to make noodles this banging on the healthy scale. They already brought us ninjas, sumo wrestling, and anime porn. No one should be surprised that their culinary innovations are as versatile as a geisha who goes from flower dancing to lap dancing. The addition of winter veggies creates an extra bonus like banging a hottie who can actually carry on a conversation other than shopping or sports. I think I’m in love, or just very hungry and horny. Either way, munch freely! Read the rest of this entry »


PORN-FLAKE FRISKEES

December 17, 2010
Behold the tower of porn...flakes.

Behold the tower of porn...flakes.

Cue the 70’s porn funk as you stroll into the room.  You got that sexy someone in one arm, an armful of cornflake magic in the other.  The only thing holding you back is your fragile sense of morals.  Toss them aside onto the shag carpeting and become the porn star you always wanted to be.  Remember on career day in middle school when everyone announced plans to be doctors, firemen and an account like my dad?  Not you.  You announced to your aghast teacher and clueless classmates that you would be delivering money shots on cue from 5 different angles while stroking your mustache.  So what if that didn’t technically work out?  No harm in pretending so long as you have a willing partner.  But that’s why you have the Porn-Flake Friskees, to lure in your co-star.  Lights, camera, BANG! Read the rest of this entry »


DON’T BE COY, BOK CHOY!

September 22, 2009
Oh boy, steamed bok choy!

Oh boy, steamed bok choy!

In an effort to make up for my excess of blaspheming in yesterday’s post, please accept this most healthy atonement. I never run out of praise for the Japanese culture for the joy they bring to my life from ninjas to bukake. Above all other things, I worship their healthy, yet delicious food. To make things taste that good without turning you into a sumo wrestler takes millenniums of practice. I have bedded my share of geishas using their dishes. Most of my recipes are at least influenced by Japanese low-fat cooking methods. One could say I have a Japanese fetish. But if loving a culture that create sushi, ninjas and hentai porn is wrong, than I will join the majority of the male population in screaming: Thank you oh so very very much! Now heat up some water because it’s about to get steamy up in here!

steamed bok choy prepTotal time: approximately 35 minutes
Projected cost: $4
Drinking Buddy: Beer, sake or Sake Bombs!

Ingredients (serves 2):
1. 2 tbsp soy sauce
2. 3 baby bok choy
3. ½ lemon

Step 1
Steam the baby bok choy until the leaves wilt and become bright green (approx 25-30 min). Remove from the steam, squeeze lemon over them add the soy sauce. You now have one of the most sexy, simple side dishes ever conceived by man…or samurai!
steamed bok choy make

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HARDCORE SOFT-BOILED EGGS

March 19, 2009
Hard to the Soft-Core!

Hard to the Soft-Core!

A naysayer would say all porn is smut.  They wouldn’t distinguish between hardcore and soft-core porn.  The nuances are missed.  Soft and hardcore each have their time and place and both share a clear business plan.  How many big corporations can so clearly define their prime directive?  I am all for a little soft-core with its sweet, half-baked romances that lead to tedious T&A on satin sheets without revealing anything more than the viewer’s frustration.  And hardcore certainly has inspired some adventures unmentionable anywhere but a confession booth (sorry, Father O’Hanrahan). But choosing between soft-core and hardcore eggs, I prefer soft.  The ooey gooey soft-boiled yolk reminds me of simpler times when all I needed was Skinemax to get me through desperate times in high school.  But being an adult does have some perks.  I can choose between soft and sticky or the hard and icky.  Breakfast…it’s all about choices.

Total time: approximately 10 minutes
Projected cost: $4
Drinking Buddy: A NOT-SO-TEENY WEENY BELLINI or a SMOOTHEE OPERATOR

hardcore-soft-boiled-eggs-prepIngredients (serves 2):
1. Salt to taste
2. Pepper to taste
3. ½ an avocado sliced thinly
4. 2 eggs
5. 2 slices of bread
6. Butter for two pieces of toast

Step 1
Bring a pot of water to a roaring boil.  Add the two eggs and boil for 5 minutes, then place them in a bowl of cold water to cool, before placing an egg in a shot glass (or other small container).
hardcore-soft-boiled-eggs-boil
Step 2
Toast the two slices of bread, spread butter on them, and then quarter the toast.  Crown each quarter with a slice of avocado and set them on a plate surrounding each egg as if it were a god.
hardcore-soft-boiled-eggs-toast
Step 3
Use the side of a spoon to whack around the edges of each egg, and then remove the shell top.  Add a pinch of salt and your desired amount of pepper on each egg and serve immediately.
hardcore-soft-boiled-eggs-crack-servehardcore-soft-boiled-eggs-served-2

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