September 28, 2015
Embrace the vodka on your plate and in your glass
This Italian mafia recipe will never sleep with the fishes. This vodka penne is “a friend of mine” because it’s tasty and easy to prepare. The only thing getting whacked is the pig used to make the prosciutto. Lucky you. Be sure to remind your date knows how lucky they are to enjoy this fine dish from the old country. The vodka flatters the tomatoes and garlic with compliments, plus you can challenge your date to take shots while you cook. Think you can make an easier, tastier vodka penne from scratch? Forget about it! Read the rest of this entry »
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carboluscious, CARBS WORKIN’ THE CORNER, italian, RECIPES | Tagged: bang, cream, delicious, dinner, easy, game changer, garlic, get laid, gourmet, guarantee, intercourse, italian, kinky, kitchen, meat, naked, old country, parmesan, parsley, pasta, penne, post-coital, prosciutto, romance, SEDUCTION, sex, tomatoes, vodka, Vodka penne | 
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Posted by cooktobang
August 24, 2015
Big Ol’ Sausage Cumming your way!
Make room! Make room! A massive sausage is coming straight for your open mouth. There’s not a whole lot you can do but smile like a donut. But don’t fear it. Taste it. Enjoy it. Love it. There’s nothing wrong with phallic food so long as you are comfortable with yourself and enjoy good food. Just to make you feel better, you can Price Albert the sausage to make it less threatening. Throw in all the veggies and aphrodisiac avocado and you have an innocuous, yet delicious open-faced sandwich to enjoy with your date. Need I mention that you can whip these up in 10 minutes flat while you wax poetic with your game? Now drop your inhibitions and pick up that big ol’ massive meaty sausage. Read the rest of this entry »
1 Comment | aphrodisiac, APHRODISIACS ANONYMOUS, Cajun, fusion, italian, Mediterranean, RECIPES, SINWICHES, southern, spicy | Tagged: aphrodisiac, avocado, bang, banging, bell pepper, big ol’ sausage sandwich recipe, cherry tomatoes, chicken sausage, delicious, DIY, easy, fast, food, game changer, get laid, gourmet, guarantee, homemade, intercourse, kitchen, libido, lunch, mayonnaise, meat, naked, onion, open-faced sausage sandwich recipe, phallic, prince Albert, protein, recipe, sausage, sausage and peppers recipe, sauté, seduce, sex, sinwich, smile like a donut, sourdough bread, tasty, turkey sausage, vegetable oil, veggie sausage, yummy | Permalink
Posted by cooktobang
May 25, 2015
“Man love fire. Man love meat. Man love Cook to Bang.”
The summer is upon us. The snow and ice has melted. So has the clothing of your tempting targets. Quit your bellyaching about cold streaks and grill up some hot steaks. No more hibernating! Put away the parkas and pull out your favorite fur loincloth. Dust off the BBQ and start grilling. Calling all caveman!
Tap into your primitive side. You don’t need to bother with three-course meals. The smell of fire charring meat should suffice. Grrrrrr! Make like you’re strangling a Velociraptor and make some dino-kebabs. Effort should be minimal so long as you pull it off with panache. Cooking to Bang in the summertime has never been more basic.
So visit the butcher, your fish monger, your hippie veggie/weed dealer. Grab the goods and get with the grillin’. A little charcoal, some lighter fluid and you got fire. Try some of this fuego-fueled fare on for size, you caveman you! Read the rest of this entry »
Leave a Comment » | aphrodisiac, APHRODISIACS ANONYMOUS, GRILLIN’ LIKE A VILLAIN, healthy, poultry, RECIPES, seafood, spicy, summer, vegetarian | Tagged: bang, bbq, butcher, calamari tacos, carnage, carnivore, caveman, delicious, dinosaur, DIY, easy, fire, fishmonger, food, fuego, game changer, get laid, gourmet, gourmet turkey burger, grilled chicken salad, grilled halibut, grilled shrimp, grilled swordfish, grilled veggies, grillin' like a villain, grrr!, guarantee, homemade, intercourse, kitchen, libido, meat, memorial day, naked, primitive, protein, recipe, seduce, sex, summer time, tasty, velociraptor, yummy | Permalink
Posted by cooktobang
October 29, 2014
Rock it all night long, til the break-a-break-a-dawn-let!
The butt crack of dawn will reveal its cruel self after you’ve been up all night dancing the horizontal mambo. But shame mixed with glee over the unspeakable acts of last night will subside when you take control in the kitchen. Sure you are short on sleep and long on orgasms. Your day may be shot being a productive worker bee turning society’s cogs. But don’t give up on today. Those bleary-eyes should see a world full of possibilities and reassessed plans. Get yourself the right nutrients and you can push right on through into the evening, banging all the way. Nothing says, “Good morning, now let’s get back to bed!” like an omelet. It’s got protein, veggies and the challenging flip that will fuel your body so you can break yet even more of God’s laws. Remember that in the name of banging, sometime you have to crack a few eggs. Read the rest of this entry »
Leave a Comment » | french, fusion, MORNING WOOD, RECIPES | Tagged: bacon, bacon pear mushroom brie omelet recipe, bang, banging, black pepper, breakfast, brie cheese, dawn, delicious, DIY, easy, eggs, food, game changer, get laid, god, good morning, gourmet, gourmet omelet recipe, guarantee, homemade, horizontal mambo, intercourse, kitchen, libido, meat, milk, morning, mushrooms, naked, nutritious, olive oil, pear, recipe, salt, seduce, sex, sunrise, tasty, til the break of dawn-let recipe, veggie, yummy | Permalink
Posted by cooktobang
May 7, 2014
What did one ball say to the other? "Who's the prik king in the middle?"
I know what they’ve been saying. All that negativity and name-calling! I can dismiss it as petty jealousy, a result of being this awesome. But even though you can interpret it as a compliment, it still hurts. You know? Packing heat is a blessing, but goddamn! Even the most gifted culinary Casanovas have feelings that get bruised when mean things are said. So what if someone calls me the Prik King? Clearly they are jealous of my royal status and largess of dowry. All the red curry and green beans in the world won’t change the fact that I am living the dream, while they can only dream. It’s a start. But why can’t we compromise? Perhaps the haters could learn from me instead and in turn use their new skills to create a better life. OR they can keep smack talking and in turn make me look even cooler and more dangerous to the opposite sex. Either way, I win. But there’s room for more winners on the podium. Read the rest of this entry »
1 Comment | asian, IT’S ON!-TREES, poultry, RECIPES, spicy, thai | Tagged: bang, banging, chicken, classic, culinary Casanova, delicious, DIY, dowry, dream, easy, food, game changer, get laid, goddamn, gourmet, green beans, guarantee, haters, homemade, intercourse, kitchen, largess, libido, meat, naked, name-calling, negativity, onion, packing heat, podium, poultry, prik king recipe, recipe, red curry, royal, sauté, seduce, SEDUCTION, sex, smack talking, spicy, sugar, tasty, thai, thai food, Thailand, vegetable oil, yummy | Permalink
Posted by cooktobang
February 25, 2010
Friends don't let friends fake orgasms.
Ladies, there are few things more humiliating than you faking an orgasm. It’s like being told that Santa Clause, the Tooth Fairy, and Easter Bunny are all imaginary, but compound that with dismissing your entire shoe collection as wiggety whack. Cruel and unusual. I suppose if you are going to fake it, be convincing like an Oscar-winning actor pretending to have OCD. Granted, many dudes’ performances are hardly worthy of a golf-clap, let alone giving yourself laryngitis screaming his name while you dig nails in their back. Lucky for all parties involved, there’s a salad that should make the need to fake an O obsolete. Bacon is something that even vegans can agree is totally awesome. Crispy, meaty, and freaky. A simple salad that wouldn’t even be worthy of Gordon Ramsay deeming demanding you remove the gum from his A. Testoni loafers can suddenly become a contender. Be bold with your bacon and quit that fakin’!
Total time: approximately 5 minutes
Projected cost: $5
Drinking Buddy: MAIL ORDER WHITE RUSSIAN BRIDE
Ingredients (Serves 2):
1. 2 massive handfuls field greens
2. 1 tbsp maple syrup
3. 1 tbsp CALIVIRGIN olive oil
4. 4 strips bacon (piggie, turkey, or veggie)
5. 2 tomatoes sliced thinly
6. Queso fresco
Step 1
Fry the bacon nice and crispy, and then cut in strips.
Step 2
Create the dressing by combining the maple syrup and olive oil. Combine the field greens, tomatoes, bacons strips, crumbled queso fresco, and toss with the dressing.
Leave a Comment » | LEAFY & LOVELY, RECIPES | Tagged: a. testoni loafers, bacon, bang, banging, calivirgin, delicious, DIY, easter bunny, easy, fake orgasm, field greens, food, game changer, get laid, golf-clap, Gordon ramsay, gourmet, guarantee, healthy, homemade, intercourse, kitchen, laryngitis, libido, maple bacon salad recipe, maple syrup, meat, naked, no orgasm fakin’ bacon salad, ocd, olive oil, oscar-winning actor, queso fresco, recipe, santa clause, seduce, SEDUCTION, sex, tasty, tomatoes, tooth fairy, wiggety whack, yummy | Permalink
Posted by cooktobang
August 13, 2009
The big fig gets the smokiest meat
For the record, I am totally gay for figs. They are one of history’s oldest fruits. Ever hear of the hanging gardens of Babylon? Figs hung proudly there and flavored many ancient meals. No doubt these edible APHRODISIACS were all over the Garden of Eden. Adam and Eve just had to sample the far blander apple and ruin everything. Not that there’s anything wrong with apples, knowledge or original sin. Figs are just tastier, sexier and more likely to get you laid. Sexy time is nearly certain once you wrap the figs up with Italian prosciutto and throw in some creamy Brie cheese. Run, don’t walk to your nearest quality grocer and slice off a piece of the Garden of Eden.
Total time: approximately 5 minutes
Projected cost: $7
Drinking Buddy: Red Wine or a SAN-GRAB-YA SANGRIA
Ingredients (serves 2):
1. Brie cheese
2. 4 fresh FIGS
3. 4 prosciutto slices
Step 1
Quarter the figs and add small slices of Brie to each section. Pull off long strips of proscuitto and wrap each fig/brie unit. Serve up on a plate or laid across your naked body.
1 Comment | aphrodisiac, APHRODISIACS ANONYMOUS, FINGER FOOD FOREPLAY, italian, Mediterranean, RECIPES | Tagged: adam & eve, aphrodisiac, Babylon, bang, banging, brie cheese, cocktail food, dairy, delicious, DIY, easy, fast, fig, finger food, food, foreplay, game changer, garden of Eden, get laid, gourmet, guarantee, hanging gardens, homemade, intercourse, italian, Italy, kitchen, knowledge, libido, meat, Mediterranean, naked, original sin, prosciutto fig brie appetizers, prosciutto wrapped figs recipe, proscuitto, protein, recipe, seduce, SEDUCTION, sex, simple, starters, tapas, tasty, wrap, yummy | Permalink
Posted by cooktobang
Cook To Bang - Recipes To Get You Laid 