Is your meal Mexican or Mexican't?
Mexican food brings a smile to all but the most bitter, tasteless, and/or racist. It’s comfort food, like a big hug when you’re lazy, depressed, or plain happy. Read the rest of this entry »
CHILE RELLENO RESISTANCE
May 18, 2010
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aphrodisiac, APHRODISIACS ANONYMOUS, dairy, IT’S ON!-TREES, mexican, RECIPES, spicy, vegetarian | Tagged: aphrodisiac, bang, banging, breaded, canola oil, chile relleno recipe, chile relleno resistance, cilantro, comfort food, condom-ments, delicious, DIY, easy, eggs, entree, food, four, fried, game changer, get laid, gourmet, green chiles, green onions, guarantee, homemade, intercourse, kitchen, latin, libido, mexican, Mexican cheese, mexico, naked, recipe, seduce, SEDUCTION, sex, tasty, vegetarian, yummy | 
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CTB BOOK PROMO 3: DOUCHE BAGS ANONYMOUS
May 11, 20102 1/2 years, 450+ recipes, and god knows how many hot girls out of my league later, the time has finally come. The COOK TO BANG BOOK is available for the masses. All my best recipes, techniques, and tomfoolery are gathered together in one banging book. Live it, learn it, love it, buy it. Thanks for all my readers’ support over the years. To reward you, here’s the final installment of the DOUCHE BAG VS. COOK TO BANG saga. The Cook To Bang Guy helps the douche bags realize they are in fact douche bags. Enjoy!
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SQUIRMIN’ GERMAN BEET SALAD
May 10, 2010
Das unt good? Das is banging!
I love me some fraus. German women inspire both lust and terror in me. Perhaps it’s the fractional Jewish blood that runs through my veins, like some twisted Eva Braun fantasy. Read the rest of this entry »
Leave a Comment » | APHRODISIACS ANONYMOUS, german, healthy, LEAFY & LOVELY, RECIPES, vegan, vegetarian | Tagged: aphrodisiac, bang, banging, beets, captain’s hat, casual whippings, delicious, DIY, easy, eva braun, feta cheese, food, frau, game changer, garnish, german, german beet salad recipe, germany, get laid, gourmet, guarantee, healthy, homemade, horse crop, intercourse, jewish, kitchen, lederhosen, libido, naked, papers, parsley, recipe, red onion, red wine vinegar, role-playing, salad, sea salt, seduce, SEDUCTION, sex, shiza, shiza film, Stockholm syndrome, tasty, vegan, vegetarian, yummy | Permalink
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CTB BOOK PROMO 1: PICK UP LINES VS. COOK TO BANG
April 27, 2010With two weeks until the Cook To Bang book is unleashed upon an unsuspecting populace, we created a series of promos contrasting the Douche Bag and Cook To Bang methods of dating. This promo features three douchebags dropping their cheesiest barroom pick up lines. The Cook To Bang Guy schools them with his charm and culinary prowess.
Stay tuned for more exciting chapters in the DBAG vs. CTB saga!
Meet the Douche Bags: Read the rest of this entry »
2 Comments | book, RECIPES, SEDUCTION, video | Tagged: bang, bar, book, cheesy, commercial, cook to bang, crash and burn, ctb book, douche, douche bag, douchey, ed hardy, euro, frat boy, funny, hot girl, kegs, pick up artist, preppy, promo, pua, sex, video, wrigley, youtube | Permalink
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GLAD TO MEETYA FAJITA SALAD
April 19, 2010
Hey Bonita, glad to meet ya!
Food is the great equalizer. No matter how rich, poor, hot, or totally busted you are, we all gotta eat. That’s why the CTB method works so well. Unless you are some enlightened monk impervious to hunger pangs and lascivious loins, we all need to cook and bang. Read the rest of this entry »
Leave a Comment » | aphrodisiac, APHRODISIACS ANONYMOUS, atkins, fusion, healthy, LEAFY & LOVELY, mexican, poultry, RECIPES | Tagged: atkins, bang, banging, cook, delicious, DIY, easy, food, fusion, game changer, get laid, glad to meetya, gourmet, great equalizer, greens, guarantee, hail mary, healthy, herpes harpies, homemade, hunger pangs, kitchen, lascivious, lemon, libido, Lindsay lohan, low-carb, mexican, mexico, monk, naked, pears, poach, recipe, salad, seduce, SEDUCTION, sex, tasty, yummy | Permalink
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THIS LITTLE FIGGY EGGS
April 14, 2010
Naughty nursery rhyme time!
This little figgy went to the market (to buy ingredients and condoms)
This little figgy stayed home (and Cooked to Bang)
This little figgy had roast beef (curtains)
This little figgy had none (because he was cooking for a vegan)
And this little figgy went “Wee! Wee! Wee!” all the way home (bragging about the latest CTB conquest).
Leave a Comment » | aphrodisiac, APHRODISIACS ANONYMOUS, healthy, MORNING WOOD, RECIPES | Tagged: akins, aphrodisiac, avocado, bang, banging, beat, breakfast, calivirgin, cook, delicious, DIY, easy, eggs, figs, food, game changer, get laid, gourmet, green onion, guarantee, healthy, homemade, intercourse, kitchen, libido, morning, MORNING WOOD, naked, nursery rhyme, olive oil, recipe, sausage, sea salt, seduce, SEDUCTION, sex, tasty, this little figgy eggs, this little piggy, yummy | Permalink
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SNEAK PAST THE GOALIE AIOLI
April 6, 2010
He/she shoots...he/she scores!!!
That goalie is one cock-blocking bastard! They are intent on keeping you both from experiencing Shangi la. You better be clever if you’re going to score. My trick is to act like I never intend to shoot for glory until their guard is down. Nonchalance and heaping bowl of sarcasm usually accomplish this. When that isn’t enough, I revert to my Cook To Bang practices and end up scoring a weekend hat trick. Aioli does not qualify as sexy on its own. For some reason mayonnaise never caught on like whipped cream in the art of culinarylingus. But alas, you can use it as a FINGER FOOD FOREPLAY dip, a spread for SINWICHES, or eat this CONDOM-MENT with a spoon. In the immortal words of a soccer/football announcer GOOOOOOAAAAAAAAALLLLLLLLL!
Total time: 3 minutes
Projected cost: $4
Drinking buddy: All depends on what you serve with it
Ingredients (serves 2)
1. 4 tbsp mayonnaise
2. 1 dash sea salt
3. 1 small handful fresh BASIL
4. 1/2 lemon
5. 1 small handful sun-dried tomatoes
Step 1
Fill up a food processor or blender with the mayonnaise, sun-dried tomatoes, basil, sea salt, and squeeze in the lemon juice. Puree it into a gorgeous orange hue and serve, garnishing it with a basil leaf and sun-dried tomato.
Leave a Comment » | aphrodisiac, APHRODISIACS ANONYMOUS, condom-ment, french, RECIPES | Tagged: aphrodisiac, bang, banging, basil, bastard, blend, cock-blocking, condiment, condom-ment, culinarylingus, delicious, DIY, easy, food, football, game changer, get laid, gourmet, hat trick, homemade, intercourse, kitchen, lemon, libido, mayonnaise, naked, nonchalance, recipe, sarcasm, sea salt, seduce, SEDUCTION, sex, shangi la, sneak past the goalie aoili, soccer, sun dried tomato, sun-dried tomato aioli recipe, tasty, yummy | Permalink
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WRAP THAT ASS-PARAGUS
April 5, 2010
Wrap it right, wrap it tight.
A fine ass like that deserves to be wrapped up in life’s fineries. Exalt that perfect behind with the TLC it deserves. At least that’s how I approach the perfect booty. Damn close to worship. I show it a good time, probably a better time than the body and mind attached. One surefire method to be hospitable to said ass is to wrap up the asparagus aphrodisiac amazingness with meaty magic. Roll roll, drip drip, sizzle sizzle, mmm mmm! They’re so good your collective lusts may win out over your hunger for the rest of dinner.
Total time: 7 minutes
Projected cost: $6
Drinking buddy: Pinot Noir or Pinot Gris
Ingredients (serves 2)
1. 8 ASPARAGUS spears
2. 8 strips bacon (piggy, turkey, or veggie)
3. 2 dashes salt
4. 1 lemon wedge
Step 1
First wash the asparagus and cut 1 inch off the bottoms. Wrap the asparagus in bacon at an angle tightly. Salt as you wish.
Step 2
Warm up the griddle or pan on medium heat. Throw the bacon-wrapped asparagus in and cook, squeezing the lemon juice over as the bacon starts to sizzle. Cook until the down side of the asparagus browns (approx 3 min) before rolling them over. Salt the other side and cook the other side until it browns (approx 2 min).
Leave a Comment » | aphrodisiac, APHRODISIACS ANONYMOUS, FINGER FOOD FOREPLAY, RECIPES | Tagged: aphrodisiac, appetizer, asparagus, ass, atkins diet, bacon, bacon wrapped asparagus recipe, bang, banging, booty, delicious, DIY, easy, fineries, finger food, food, game changer, get laid, gourmet, guarantee, homemade, hospitable, intercourse, kitchen, lemon, libido, lust, naked, recipe, salt, seduce, SEDUCTION, sex, sizzle, tasty, tlc, wrap, wrap that ass-paragus, yummy | Permalink
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ROE-V-WADE-LICIOUS
April 1, 2010
AKA The Stupak
I already know. I’m going to hell. So quit with the “I never!” already. I get it. Totally understand that this is crossing the line of good taste. But what’s a life without choices? I made the choice to create a ridiculous cocktail that seemed funny at the time. There were some laughs, some gasps, and some, “You’re an ass!” But you know what? One thing everyone agreed on, it was goddamn delicious! APRIL FOOLS, suckas!!!
Total time: 1 minute
Projected cost: $2
Eating buddy: LOX UP YOUR DAUGHTERS
Ingredients (per shot)
1. 3/4 shot of Baileys Irish Cream
2. 1 splash grenadine
3. 1 maraschino cherry
Step 1
Fill a shot glass 3/4 full of Baileys. Toss in a cherry. Fill to top with grenadine. Drink.
2 Comments | libation lubrication, RECIPES | Tagged: abortion, April fools, baileys Irish cream, bang, banging, beverage, booze, choices, cocktail, delicious, DIY, easy, food, game changer, get laid, good taste, gourmet, grenadine, guarantee, homemade, intercourse, kitchen, libido, maraschino cherry, naked, pro-choice, recipe, roe v wade, roe vs. wade, seduce, SEDUCTION, sex, shot, Stupak, tasty, yummy | Permalink
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Cook To Bang - Recipes To Get You Laid 