PLANTAIN CHIP PARTY TRAIN

November 30, 2015
The plantain train is leaving the station with or without you!

The plantain train is leaving the station with or without you!

All aboard!  This party train is headed for your Caribbean culinary connection.  Expect steel drums, tropical breezes and dreadlocks.  When you aren’t shaking your booty to some live reggae, you can stuff your face with this CARBOLUSCIOUS treats.  The banana’s larger, oven-friendly cousin will capture the island spirit.  Baking it makes it a guilt-free snack or compliment to your ENTRÉE.  Plantains are inexpensive, robust and totally awesome.  Your date won’t expect such a delicious twist.  Now do as Bob Marley commands and get with the kinky reggae now! Read the rest of this entry »


TOFU SUMMER ROLLS IN THE HAY

June 8, 2015
Summer rolling with the homies

Summer rolling with the homies

Summertime calls for lighter fare so we can hone our buns, abs and groins of steel.  Gone are the big coats that hide our blubbery bits.  If you want to bang you gotta look bangable.  So it’s time to put the dairy and beef products aside and get healthy.  Vegan food can be boring if you let it.  But how many obese vegans do you know?  My advice is to embrace the Asian fusion hippie party time.  Be sure your date notices how cultured and sensitive you are.  Play it off like you’ve gone green, instead of just greedy for more banging. If you want to roll in the hay, you better start rolling. Read the rest of this entry »


WELL, HELLO! PORTOBELLO TACOS

January 28, 2015
I don't know why you say goodbye, I say, "Well, Hello! Portobello Tacos."

I don’t know why you say goodbye, I say, “Well, Hello! Portobello Tacos.”

Well, hello there!  Haven’t seen you around.  I would have noticed someone as fine as you.   What inspired you to come to my little part of the world?  No shit!  You came to see me?  You want me to cook to bang you?  Fair enough.  It’s just that I’m usually the one pursuing dates.  Nothing wrong with someone aggressive that knows what they want.  If it’s me you want, so be it. Wait, you’re vegan? Why?  Never mind. It won’t be a problem. So how about some Portobello mushroom tacos?  Glad you enjoyed them.  Shall we retire to the bedroom now?  Thanks for stopping by. Read the rest of this entry »


KALE-IDOSCOPE RICE NOODLES

February 26, 2014

Inhale my kale

This simple as sin noodle dish’s got everything. Want healthy green kale? You got it, bub, Feel like the tart of lime, a hint of Vietnamese with the fish sauce, maybe the tang of sun-dried tomato? Indoubely-deed. How about an aphrodisiac triple threat? Bim bam boom. That mean old Dr. Atkins will shake his immortal head in shame over the carbs, but in their defense, they are pretty light and airy. And that will come in handy when all the colors swirling around this healthy noodle dish spin you and your date off your feet and into bed. Feel free to watch the kaleidoscope in the air when you’re both lying panting, post-coital, feeling it. Read the rest of this entry »


TIT AND CABOODLE NOODLE SALAD

April 25, 2011

Oodles of naughty noodles

This salad’s got everything you need for simple satisfaction. I’m talking the whole tit and caboodle. Sure it looks simple, but the flavor shall dance on your tongue and tickle your balls/girly parts. This is a new member of my salad repertoire, but goddamn does it bring out the smiles! Refreshing, light, and totally tasty. Come summertime, you will be glad you have this in your arsenal. Few dishes will refuel as cleanly after sweaty summer sex. You’re welcome! Read the rest of this entry »


SOLDIER BOY SINWICH

August 28, 2009
The man in the black pajamas makes a mean sandwich. Don't flavor with napalm!

The man in the black pajamas makes a mean sandwich. Don't flavor with napalm!

“You want boom boom?” asked two Vietnamese hookers on a moped. I was in Hanoi, trekking around in search of mayhem and kick ass pho (Vietnamese noodle soup). I don’t pay for sex. No offense to those who hire whore now and again. My charm and cooking skills are enough to get girls naked. But these two young trollops were hot and the mathematical possibilities enticing it. So I asked them, “Will you love me long time?” They nodded and beckoned me to get on the back of their motorbike. So I countered, “Are you so horny?” Damn straight they were. The cherry on top was when I asked them to call me “Soldier boy.” One said, “We give you boom boom, soldier boy.” The other added, “Me so horny. We love you long time.” I had a Full Metal Jacket growth in my pants, but contracting GI Joe Kung Fu grip wasn’t recommended in my Lonely Planet guide. So I declined their offer for boom boom. Instead I got this chicken sandwich from a street vendor that was amazing, although not quite as interesting as the international incident I passed up. To all the girls I have banged since…You’re Welcome!

Total time: approximately 20 minutes
Projected cost: $7
Drinking Buddy: Beer or a PANTY DROPPING SHANDY

vietnamese chicken prepIngredients (serves 2):
1. 2 sandwich rolls
2. 1 tsp lemon juice
3. 1 tsp soy sauce
4. 1 tsp oyster sauce
5. 1 tsp fish sauce
6. ½ onion chopped coarsely
7. 1 carrot sliced thinly
8. 1 tomato sliced thinly
9. 2 chicken breasts
10. 1 handful shredded coconut
11. 1 handful cilantro chopped finely
12. 1 CHILI diced finely
13. 1 tbsp vegetable oil (not pictured, St. Peter has already taken note)

Step 1
Mince the chicken and then marinate with cilantro, chili, onion, coconut, soy sauce, fish sauce, oyster sauce and lemon juice (approx 15 min).
vietnamese chicken marinate
Step 2
Cook the chicken thoroughly with vegetable oil (approx 5 min). Slice open the bread rolls and stuff the chicken into them. Add the tomato and carrot slices and shut the sandwich, soldier boy.

vietnamese chicken cook assemble

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